Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. Everything belongs to Dick Wolf. But then, you knew that already, right?
This takes place a week after Loss. A/O of course. Enjoy this oneshot!
It's amazing how easy it is to lie, even to someone who's trained to detect mistruths. Maybe it's isn't because they can't tell you're lying; they just assume you won't. "Because the healing process won't heal you if you don't let it." "Because the first step to solving the problem is admitting it's there."
But maybe I don't want to solve the problem. Or maybe I just don't see it as a problem.
It's the week after everything happened, with Velez and Alex being dead but not dead. I'm sitting with Huang and he's doing his head shrinking routine with me. Needless to say, it's not working.
"So, Olivia," says Huang, folding his hands. "How are you feeling?"
Empty, I don't say. Numb. Broken. In pain. Instead, I manage a small smile. "Peachy."
"Olivia, I understand that you don't think you need this, but it will help you."
I glare at him and don't answer.
"So let's try again. How are you feeling?"
"Nothing," I reply. That's the truth.
Huang sighs. "Olivia, how are you feeling?"
I tell him what he wants to hear. "Sad."
He nods as if we're getting somewhere. "Tell me about Alex."
My head snaps up. "No." The moments Alex and I shared are private. They belong to us and so they will remain.
He nods, then says calmly, "Okay."
A shiver suddenly rippling through my body, I wrap my arms around myself,
"Are you cold?" asks Huang kindly.
"I'm okay." I'm not okay, but I'm not shivering because the room is cold. I'm shivering because my heart is.
"Were you able to sleep last night?"
"Yes." That's a lie, too. I lay awake until four in the morning, and then I woke up intermittently from bad dreams, all of which involved Alex being shot. And I was there, watching, but I was rooted to the spot, unable to move. I couldn't get to her, couldn't protect her, couldn't save her. And she died before my eyes, with me helpless to stop it.
Huang seems to accept this. I'm a very good liar; I always have been. As a police officer, you have to be. And as the child of an abusive alcoholic, I've had to be. Where did that bruise come from, Olivia? I would wave a dismissive hand. Oh, I walked into a wall. Oh, I fell down the stairs. Again. And they believed me.
Then he asks me something else. "I know the two of you were close and her death was hardest on you. Have you been thinking about hurting yourself?"
"No," I tell him firmly, and this time, it's true.
But here's one more truth, one that I would definitely say if I could: I love her. More than anything.
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed this oneshot. Review if you did!