Here I Go Again
A/N: Un-Beta'd; read at your own risk.
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.
Life had not turned out like Jackie had planned. She wasn't rich, she had no maid, no mansion, and no husband. Not to mention that in her fantasies of what life would be like she had never imagined she would ever, ever, reach past the age of twenty-five, much less still be unmarried. Yet here she was, almost twenty-eight. Alone. Independent.
She smiled at the last thought. Who would have thunk it? Jackie Burkhart, career woman. She had a wonderful job, doing what she loved. Being a buyer for a major department store in Chicago was the perfect fit. She had put her natural gift for trendsetting into a lucrative career. Plus, her assertive (some would say abrasive) personality was tailor made for bargaining.
It wasn't so bad. Not really, and after kissing a lot of frogs, none of whom ever turned into princes, Jackie had stopped dreaming of a happily ever after. She had been ill-prepared for the crude reality of life but had nonetheless come out on top. There were no knights in shinning armor to come to her aid, but that was okay, because she didn't need one. Too bad she still wanted one.
She took her keys out from her purse, a smile on her face when her pretty apartment came into view. She wasn't rich but she certainly made enough to afford a place in the swanky part of town. She stumbled a bit then giggled, trying to get the key into the lock. Wow, she was more buzzed than she thought.
"Wow," she said, when the door opened by its own account. On the other side was Steven looking as he always did, a little bit scruffy, a little bit angry, a little bit sad, and more than a little bit appealing.
"What the hell, Jackie? Its 2'clock in the morning. Where the hell have you been?" Strike the a little bit angry part. He looked pissed. Damn if that wasn't a good look for him, it had always gotten her all hot and bothered.
She giggled at the thought. "Ladies night's with a group of co-workers. We went for some drinks."
"Are you drunk?"
"No," She denied vehemently, struggling to keep the giggles at bay. She was still standing on the threshold of the door. "I don't think so." She smiled at him.
Then her boozed up brain noticed his body language, he wasn't just mad...he was hurting. His arms were at his side, his hand fisted. His chest was out, his face confrontational, but his eyes were full of pain.
"Steven, is there something wrong?"
He swallowed hard, "My mother died."
"Oh, Steven." Sobriety returned in an instant as she wrapped her arms around Steven's tense shoulders. "I'm so sorry."
It took him a few seconds to reciprocate the embrace, but once he did he buried his face in her hair, his warm breath fanning her neck. They stood like that for a few minutes, in the doorway, Jackie cooing and rubbing his back.
With a loud sigh, he gently slid away, but Jackie, didn't let him go. Instead she grabbed his face, kissed his cheek, then the other, and then his forehead. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, except you don't have beer. Who doesn't have beer?"
"I have wine."
"Not anymore," he said walking back into the apartment. He sat in her pretty white armchair, legs spread; a picture of her adolescence. He slouched, pretending he didn't have a care in the world.
She sat down on her sofa, the seat closet to him, reached to lay a hand on his knee. "Look at me."
He looked at her defiant, his jaw set, "What?"
She rolled her eyes.
"What? What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know Steven; I'm a little out of my depth here . I don't know what to say. I'm not sure what to do. Say something, help me out a little."
"Yeah, sympathy has never been your strong suit."
Jackie cocked her head, narrowed her eyes. "Fine, bottle it up. But I know you didn't break into my apartment and waited for me to tell me you're doing just peachy." She crossed her arms, waiting.
He stood up, started pacing. "Damn it." She watched the emotions play out on his face, anger, fear, resolve, hurt. "Her funeral is tomorrow. I wasn't going to go. I was fine, fuck her, you know? Told myself I didn't care, that it wasn't even a blip on my radar." He ground his teeth, and Jackie knew that he was as close to tears as she had ever seen him. "The only reason I found out she had died was because that fucker she was dating called me to hit me up for money for the service."
He settled down next to her, as if saying those words had cost him dearly. Jackie knew that he had already given the money, that more likely than not, despite his resentment, he would go to the service. That was just the type of man he was. Poor Steven, under all the gruff, he hid a very honorable and sweet man.
"I think I'm going to need another hug."
And because he asked, and he never asked, she felt her heart lurching in the need to comfort him. She laid her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, holding his hand. "I don't know what to do."
"This is good," he said, brining his arm around her shoulders, his chin resting against her hair. "Just keep doing this."
"Have you told the Foreman's? Anyone else?"
"Nope."
"Oh, Steven," she said, sounding to her chagrin, much like Mrs. Foreman.
"I wasn't going to tell anyone. It seemed... unimportant. Tonight, though, it hit me all at once. I don't know... I don't know even know how to feel...I'm angry and yet..." She felt him shrug. "She was my mom."
"I know."
He brought her closer, leaned back on the sofa. He was playing with her hand, rubbing little circles with his thumb. "I drove around for a while, trying to clear my mind, and somehow ended up on your doorstep."
"I'm sorry I wasn't here."
"That's ok."
He looked down at her, smiled. She smiled back, hoping she done something to right. "Are you better?"
He squeezed her shoulder. "Yeah. Much."
She cleared her throat, looked away. "If you want," she started, knowing she was probably going to be rejected. "I can go with you to the service."
"It's in Madison."
"So?"
"You'd go?"
"If you want me to."
"Yeah. Ok."
It felt like a small victory, that he would let her go with him. She got up to pull him to his feet. "Come on, let's go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day."
They fell into be fully clothed. Jackie feeling a little strange about how not strange it felt to have Steven in her bed after so many years. After their breakup they hadn't exactly stayed close friends. Right now thought, it felt just as intimate as when they had been teenagers, as if no time had passed. She wondered if it would be the same with Michael, wondered if she would feel that instant closeness. She doubted it.
"Jackie?"
"Yes?"
"Thanks."
She smiled sadly in the darkness. "What are friends for?"
No, Jackie no longer daydreamed. Her imaginings were part of different girl, a sillier, more naive spoiled girl. Steven was not a Prince Charming and she was far from being a gentle loving princess. Life was definitely not a fairly tale. So she forced the butterflies out of her stomach, mentally kicked herself for reveling at having his body stretched besides her.
Jeez, what kind of person was she? His mother had just passed. She'd been a bitch, but still...
That night she dreamt about curly haired children.
"I can't believe you still have this piece of junk."
"Don't knock it. There are some good memories in here." He waggled his eyebrows.
"Steven, we made good memories all over Point Place. That's no reason to keep something this old car. You're a business owner; surely you make enough for a new car."
"I don't want a new car."
That was that then. Jackie looked out the window and wondered how she could slip so easily back into his life and he into hers. They had remained friends after their break up, after her move, they still talked. Or rather, she would call him and he would pretend to listen, she had even visited him several times. This was a little different that friends trying to stay connected. It felt, she looked at Steven, like old times. It felt like she could slide right next to him and he would wrap his arm around her shoulders, the he would look down at her and smile, maybe even kiss her.
She sighed, shaking the fantasy away. Steven Hyde was not the man for her. He had never been. They were too different, wanted different things, and there was too much history to get over.
"Man, I still can believe you got a job as a shopper."
"A buyer."
"Whatever. It's your freaking dream job."
She laughed. "It is pretty awesome. Dictating what everyone wears by choosing the selection. I'm making the world a better place one outfit at a time."
The rest of the long trip continued much the same; Steven trying to teach her about music, Jackie trying to teach him about fashion. Fighting over the radio, and goofing about the old days. It was all friendly bickering, and despite their destination Steven was in a good mood, well, as good as a mood as he could get.
It was only after they reached the funeral home that he shut down. He just parked, turned the car off and remained still. His sunglasses were on, shielding his eyes. Jackie placed a hand on his shoulder. "We don't have to go in. We can turn this car around and just leave. You don't have to do this."
But then there was Kelso smashing his face against the driver window. "Hyde!"
"You called him? What were you thinking?" He turned to glare at her in disbelief.
"Actually, I called everyone. I know you really wanted your friends be here but would never call them yourself. So, I did it for you."
"Jackie, I didn't want them here!"
"Yes you did," she said matter of fact, unapologetic.
"You are unbelievable..." He was interrupted by Fez jumping on the hood and making sad faces. He seemed like he was going to yell again but then he started laughing. "Damn,I love you, Jackie."
Jackie's eyes widened in surprise and her jaw dropped.
Then Michael was pulling him out of the car, giving him one of those man hugs, then Fez was on him, baby talking him and tenderly rubbing his face, soon, Donna and Eric joined them and it was blur of voices. Then the Foreman's arrived, taking him away from the rowdy group. She could see Mrs. Forman berating him, could see Mr. Forman shaking his head and mouthing 'dumbass'.
Jackie sat on the hood on the El Dorado as Mrs. Forman hugged and kissed him several times, which Steven pretended to dislike. She watched as Mr. Forman, looking resigned led Steven further away from the group, no doubt giving Steven one of his talks.
"Your father is awesome," she told Eric, turning to look at him.
Eric blinked rapidly, opened his mouth, and looked at Donna for guidance, not knowing if it had been a compliment or an insult. A laugh escaped him, "What?"
"Too bad for you he loves Steven more than you," she smirked at him.
"Ok, listen here missy..."
But she ignored him, watching Steven walk back. Maybe one day Eric would realize what a sweet deal he had been dealt. The Forman's, they were solid. Without them, who knew where Steven would have ended up.
"Come on," Steven said, it's starting, taking his hand and pulling her off the hood. "It's starting." He tucked her into his body and Jackie didn't fight it. Whatever was going on, Steven deserved to have whatever he needed at the moment.
It was hard to focus on the service, she vaguely noticed that it was mostly empty, and the people that were in attendance left much to be desired. At least she was grateful that it was a close casket. She was too preoccupied with judging Steven's mood and wondering just what the hell he meant to worry too much about the sad little showing.
Afterwards, the group stood around Steven awkwardly until Michael said, "So, you guys want to get some beers?" Mr. and Mrs. Forman declined, naturally. They left, not without many kisses from Mrs. Forman and threats from Mr. Forman. Jackie smiled at that. Some things never changed.
That's how they found themselves at the closest bar, knee deep in peanut casings, and malodorous humans. Yuck.
"It was a very nice service," Eric told Hyde.
"Yeah, best one I've ever been to." That was Michael, of course.
"The flowers were nice."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever," Steve droned, taking a nonchalant drink of his beer. "Listen, guys, you don't have to do this. Edna is dead and buried. It's no big deal. I'm totally fine."
Jackie rolled her eyes. "Steven, just shut up and say thank you."
"Yeah, man, if you need to talk..." Eric said, eyes sympathetic. Jackie could have kissed him right then and there.
"Naw. I really think I'm O.K." He turned his lazy gaze to her. "Thank you."
Everyone shifted their attention to her. Her stomach had bottomed out at his words, but now she felt heat rising in her cheeks. She gave a weak smile. "I have to go to the bathroom."
She bypassed the bathroom and went outside. Something weird was going on with Steven, something she definitely wasn't comfortable with. Something that she refused to believe was only grief over his mother. Something that made her feel things she didn't want to feel. She took a deep breath, tried to calm her rapidly beating heart.
"Jackie, you're losing your touch. You could have at least come up with a better excuse. As if you would ever go into this dump's bathroom."
Her heart sped right back up, she could feel panic rising. All because of stupid Steven and his stupid words and his stupid looks. "I want to go home." She said walking over to his car.
"Why? Everyone is having a good time."
"We just left the service for your mother," she turned around to face him, disbelief in his eyes.
He shrugged his shoulders. "If anyone would appreciate a good time it would have been her."
"Steven, you can stop pretending with me. You're not fine at all. As a fellow abandonee, I know you're far from alright. I know you're hurting and confused-"
He leaned forward to trap her against his car. Jackie swallowed hard. "I love you." He kissed her softly on the lips. She had forgotten how gentle he could be. "Everything else might be a muddled mess, but one thing is perfectly clear; I'm in love with you."
She pushed him away. "Will you stop saying that!"
He didn't let up, and kept her back firmly pressed against the car. He laughed at her. "Oh, come on, you use to beg me to say those little words to you. Now, I'm here, having practically turned into Forman."
Jackie pushed him away again, this time managing to dislodge him. "I'm not that girl anymore, Steven. You can tell me a thousand times that you love me but-"
"I want to marry you."
"What?! You've gone insane. You-you-," she sputtered incoherently. She wanted to punch his grinning face. "What?"
"I've told you that I loved you before, and I meant it, but most of the time I gave it no importance. I pretended that what we had didn't have value. You have no idea how sorry I am. I should have told you that you were the only girl I had ever loved, that being with you was the best thing in my life."
"It doesn't matter anymore," she said weakly. "I don't know why you're brining this up. It's over."
"Not for me." He had that face on, that serious look that he got when he was being sweet and considerate and was afraid it was going to be thrown back in his face. "I've always loved you. It's always been you. Only you."
She squeezed her eyes shut, unwilling to let tears fall. When she opened them again, he had the same earnest look about him, waiting for her to say something. She couldn't. "Steven..."
"I know you love me too. I know it," he smiled at her. "You've always wanted to get married, have kids, the picket fence all that. You've been planning your wedding since before you could talk. Look at you, you're what 28-"
"I'm 27!"
"Whatever. You've been engaged twice, I even got an invitation to the last one. You haven't been able to go through with it. If you had wanted to get married you could have roped a guy in and married him. You haven't. Have you asked yourself why?"
Jackie remained quiet.
"You haven't gone through with it because they're not me."
"You flatter yourself." She tried her best to sound bitchy.
"Do I?" He asked, grinning at her.
"Even if that was the case. Which is not," she emphasized. "You don't want any of those things. Your worst nightmare is being married, being saddled with a nagging wife and noisy children."
"I'm not a boy anymore either, Jackie," he placed a hand behind his neck, made a face. "I'm not saying that it doesn't scare me, it does, more than you can ever know. But you want all that, and I want to be the one to give them to you."
He meant it; she knew he meant them, because he wasn't the type of man who threw such words lightly. At one point in her life she would have melted to hear such things come out of his mouth. Now she was only confused. A part of her was thrilled but most of her was terrified.
"Where is this coming from anyway? Your mother dies and suddenly you're in love with me? It doesn't make any sense."
"That night, after I found out about mom, all I could think about was you. That I needed you with me. You did exactly as I knew you would, you took me in and made everything alright, made everything better. It wasn't a big revelation, I just knew. I've always known. I've missed you. These years without you have been real shitty."
"It was real shitty when we were together too."
"Not all the time, but I'd rather have a shitty time together than apart."
Jackie almost snorted, "That was almost romantic."
"Maybe it isn't the right time or place, or the smoothest way, I'm sorry for that, you deserve better, but I've missed you. Give me a chance Jackie. Just one more."
"It's not just about giving you chance, Steven We both made mistakes, I've grown up enough to admit. We just don't work."
"We did, Jackie, that's the thing. Don't lie to yourself. Despite everything, we worked just fine."
It was hard to put into words everything that she was feeling. "I'm scared," she said, the closest she could come to expressing herself. "And how is it going to work now? We live in different states, we've hardly seen each other, and we've grown apart, all of us have, we can't just pick up where we left off... not that it was a good place. Plus, you're saying all these wonderful things, and I know you mean them, but who's to say that you'll fee the same once we're together. Remember how I used to annoy you? And god, you used to drive me up the wall sometimes with your opinions and your ideas. We haven't changed that much, Steven, at our core we're still the same and-"
"Would you shut up?" He interrupted her without any heat. "You love me," he said, his usual cocky grin in place.
Jackie rolled her eyes. "Listen to what I'm saying," she said slowly, trying to reason with him.
He swaggered to her, "I'm not hearing a denial."
Then he swooped down to kiss her. She let him. It was the same but better, and new and old at the same time. She wrapped her around his neck bringing him closer, learning him again, his taste, his scent, the feel of his body firmly pressed against her, familiar and yet somehow different.
"I love you," He said against her lips. "I'll move to Chicago, even sell the car if it really bothers you, get a new one, whatever it takes."
Teenage Jackie would have giggled and jumped him, made demands, milked this for as long as she could, but slightly older Jackie was a little more jaded, a little more wise. "That's cool," she said ambiguously, knowing it would make him smile, diffuse some of the tension.
Damn if her heart didn't skip a beat with the smile he gave her.
"Whatever," he said, swinging back into the bar.
The ride back was substantially more tense that the going. It especially didn't help that the thoughts that she had kept at bay before were now fogging her mind. Thoughts of all the dirty things Steven and she had done in the car. She sighed, closed her eyes, tried to keep butterflies from entering her stomach. Tried to think logically. It was a very quiet trip back.
"You know Jackie, I didn't think I would ever say this but... I actually missed your yapping," He said having reached her home.
He leaned closer and kissed her soundly on the lips before she could reply with an appropriate scathing remark.
"Stop doing that."
He pulled her over to him, kissing her again, deeply. Jackie sunk into him, and for a second started fantasizing of what could be. "No."
"Jackie..."
"No."
"We're not kids anymore. We have to think it through. We used to let impulse drive our relationship, that and lust." she laughed. "I can't do that anymore. It hurt too much." She looked away from him. "It's obvious I still care for you. That I still want you. That's not enough for me anymore. Let's not be impulsive this time, let's be sure."
"I am sure," he said through clenched teeth, hiding his hurt.
"I'm sorry, Steven, but I'm not."
He turned away from her, nodded his head. "Fine."
"I'm not saying no. I'm just saying... give me sometime. Give yourself some time."
"I already told you..." He turned to look at her, stopped what he was going to say. He locked eyes with her, "I love you. That's not going to change. So take all the time you need," he said, taking off his sunglass, letting her see his emotions. It broke her heart a little to see him so vulnerable.
He hadn't called since the funeral, not that she had expected him to. There would be no grand romantic gestures from him. She supposed for Steven, his declarations had been a grand romantic gesture. Jackie told herself that his rare displays of romanticism meant more precisely because they were so rare. That had been her reasoning as a teenager, and now years later she fell back into that argument. Now though, she told herself she either had to accept it, or let him go.
Teenager Jackie had always dreamed that he would change. She had imagined him grown up; in a sharp suit, clean shaven, ambitious. She had imagined him buying her flowers and jewelry. The reality was very different, he was no slacker, and she knew that despite his protestations he was a hard worker, very responsible. But he'd never outgrown the ratty t-shirts, boots, or the sideburns. He would never be type to wax poetic, to surprise her with a candlelit dinner.
Then again, she supposed she would never be the type to enjoy a rock concert with him either. She would always care about appearances, would always vex him with her materialism. She would always drive him crazy with her bossiness. And yet, he loved her and wanted to be with her.
She didn't suppose life would be easy with him. But he had been right; she hadn't married John or David because they weren't him. They had been professionals who had brought her flowers and promises; exactly what she had wanted. Both times she had chickened out at the last minute. It was her dream, but somehow life with them just seemed...wrong. Every man she dated had been compared to Steven, and always, Steven had been the one found wanting.
Steven was not the man for her, he wasn't. She knew it. It was stupid to believe that he was, that they could make each other happy. That's what her brain had decided long ago. Her heart however, had been on cloud nine ever since Steven had told her he wanted to marry her. Maybe it was a stupid decision, there was no maybe about it, but she was willing to let herself commit another mistake at another chance to be with him.
After sitting in her car for the last twenty minutes, having second thoughts, she got out. Nervous, how could she not be nervous? She went to his store, looking for all intent and purposes the same as it always had. Spartan, dirty, and filled with people wearing old washed out t-shirts. Not at all her crowd.
Jackie walked in, smoothing her hair, straightening her blouse. She found him, with the help of an employee, outside in the alley, working on the El Camino. He was under the hood, his jean clad legs and boots the only part of him visible.
She flounced up to him, her heels clicking softly, "What are you doing?"
He rolled out from underneath the car, his naked eyes showing surprise. Appreciation followed, as he roved his eyes from her red peek-a-boo heels to her eyes. Jackie ate him up with her eyes too. Something about his scruffy look, his careless swagger, his lazy grace just got her motor running.
"Tanning," he said sarcastically. He got up, grabbed a rag from his back pocket to wipe his hands clean.
Jackie faked interest in the open hood of the car, coyly looking at the convoluted parts and wires.
"Made up your mind, have you?" He tried for nonchalance, but Jackie could tell he was nervous. Last time she had been the one shaking, it was a good feeling to have the tables turned.
"Yup," she smirked.
"So?"
"So tell me you love me again... and all that about stuff about doing whatever it takes for me to give you another chance."
"Why?"
"So I can hold it against you when you don't do as I want."
He tried to keep his expression neutral but a smiled quirked in the corner of his lips. "Did I say that? I don't know Jackie; you must have been on something. I think I remember you begging me to take you back."
"Is that so?" She cocked her hip, place a hand on her waist.
"No. However, that's the story I'm sticking with."
Jackie rolled her eyes. "Well, kiss me already. You're supposed to kiss me."
"Yeah, right and have you screeching at me for dirtying your clothes. No way."
She pulled him close to her by the neck of his shirt. "I love you," she said against his lips. He kissed her, but his arms remained at his sides. Jackie leaned against him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Now tell me you love me again. Just one more time."
"I love you." He pecked her lips. Then he cocked a suspicious eyebrow. "It really can't be this easy with you, can it?"
"Well, I hate the car, but I'm not going to make you get rid of it. You love it too much. And I don't want you to move to Chicago for me. You love it here. "
"The nicer you are, the more you scare me. What's the catch?"
"None. I just don't want to get married."
He stiffened in her arms, let go of her. "That's a twist I didn't see coming. If we're not going to get married then what are we doing?" He frowned. "I just sounded like you, didn't I?"
Jackie nodded, smiled softly at the hurt he was trying to hide. "I'm not saying never, I just don't want to mess up again. I don't want to lose sight of us because I'm in a rush to get married. We've been apart more time that we were together. We need to figure out how it's all going to work out. It's going to take a lot of effort on both of our parts."
"Well," he said, injecting sadness into his voice. "I guess you're right. That's too bad though, I had already bought the ring."
Jackie squealed, she couldn't help herself. "Oh my god, Steven!"
"It's in my office. You wanna see it?"
"Yes!"
They made their way to his office, Jackie practically skipping all the way there. The office was Spartan and ugly, but Jackie hardly noticed, too intent on getting a look at her ring. "Gimme."
"Wait, let me clean up a bit. Can't show it to you with my hands all greasy. I'll never hear the end of it from you."
Jackie waited as he went to wash his hands, tapping her foot impatiently. She had said no marriage yet, but happiness from the Steven having actually gotten a ring, well that was... that was...
"Well?" She said when Steven came back, his eyes filled with laughter. "Where is it?"
"I lied," he deadpanned, and then promptly burst out laughing.
"Oh, you!" She grabbed the closest thing to her, which happened to be a phone resting on his desk, and hurled it at him.
He ducked, grabbed her by the waist, still laughing. "You talk too much." He hoisted her onto the desk. It wobbled. He leaned down to kiss her lips, settled for her neck when she twisted away from him. He stepped between her legs. He was still chuckling.
She wasn't really angry, plus she deflated at the feel of his shaking shoulders, at the familiar sound of his laughter. "I've missed you." She tangled her fingers into his curly hair, bringing him close for a kiss. "I do want to marry you."
He swallowed hard. "You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that. I saw you in that outfit, in those killer heels; I thought for sure you came to tell me to get lost, to show me what I'd be missing out on. You're cruel enough to do it too." He kissed her neck, her shoulder.
"You know me so well," she said, her breath catching as the feel of his roaming hands. He started untucking her blouse. "Steven, I thought we should take it slow..."
"Babe, you didn't walk in here in that outfit to take it slow. Don't play coy with me," he said his usual cocky grin in place.
Jackie shrugged unashamed. "You know me so well," she said, wrapping her legs around him.
"We'll stick this time, Jackie," he told her as he removed her blouse. "I promise."
"Oh, Steven..." she sighed his name as his hand snaked under her skirt.
Maybe she had made a mistake, maybe she was going to get hurt again, so many maybes. With his hands and lips on her she didn't much care for the maybes. For the first time in a long time a man felt right. If there was one thing that Jackie had learned was that life was no fairy tale, there was no perfect anything, and if you were a damsel in distress you'd get eaten by dragon. Life was messy and strange, and it took effort to keep a hold of the things that mattered. No, life had not turned out the way Jackie Burkhart had planned, but she could honestly say that she wouldn't have it any other way. Who needed a boring prince when Steven was so wickedly stimulating?
The Beginning