Six stories of separation (and its reversal)
Chapter 1 a
My struggle – The Strangle hold
As a physician, she should have seen it coming. The issue however, had been clouded by the fact that many of the symptoms of endogenous depression had become part of Mulder's daily existence since they had settled in Virginia. Social isolation? ? Check. Insomnia? Ding! Like Wheel of fortune the tiles light up.
The other traits crept in slowly, hiding underneath the floorboards and exposing themselves like vermin, only when necessary. Physical aches and pains were attributed to age. Weight loss went unnoticed because he had accidentally hidden it very well indeed. In fact she had not seen him even partially undressed for so long she had forgotten what he looked like. It wasn't until the third or fourth time that he had gently escaped her grasp when she had pressed herself against him at night that she began to really notice that this wasn't her Mulder. The last time had been two months ago when she had intentionally gotten in bed before him completely nude. She had made sure that she engaged him in conversation to ensure that he lay facing her. As she felt the conversation drying up she leaned forward to capture his lips with her own. He responded by kissing her back but kept his hands on her arms. As the kiss came to an end, he held her still, placed a kiss on her forehead and turned over. She had sobbed silently that night and instantly felt selfish and stupid. This happened to lots of couples, although in her experience it was the woman who lost interest first. Yes, she could admit that her pride had taken a hit.
It wasn't the depression that made her leave. In fact just before she left she realised it was what was keeping her there. It was his own acceptance of his situation that drove her out. The case of Father Joe had ignited something in him. At first she had been pleased that he had interest in anything outside of the house. However soon this escalated to long periods of total immersion. When she had first questioned him, he had spoken at length about 2012 and possible theories about why the apocalypse did not appear to have happened. It was his life's work and so she had listened to him and indulged him as much as possible.
The situation came to a head one morning when he had not come to bed the previous night. She found him in his office, red eyed with his head in his hands.
"Mulder?" she opened the door a little wider to alert him of her presence. "Mulder have you been here all night?"
He didn't even turn around. "It's happening Scully. We were looking for the wrong sign. It began in 2012 we just didn't see it." He turned then and ushered her toward the desk. "You see here.." he pointed to his map on the wall. " and here..." he then began to give her details about towns that had experienced outbreaks of violence and disease. She listened as patiently as possible, before asking a question. It was then that he erupted.
"Why is it STILL so hard for you to believe Scully? For Christ's sake!" He banged his hands down on the table so hard she jumped. "This is it! This is exactly what he said would happen!"
"Mulder. Calm down." She laid a hand on his fore arm. In truth there were so many holes in what he had said, she would have gladly bet her house that he was barking up the wrong tree. But now wasn't the time to discuss this. What worried her the most was his desperation for the theory to be true. And then it hit her. He was desperate. Desperate for a reason for the suffering and sacrifice. If there was no invasion, had the last twenty years been for nothing? Well, twenty years for her, far more for him. "Mulder, why is it so important that this theory pans out?"
He stared at her incredulously. She quickly spoke to explain herself. "I mean, you spend every moment in here looking for anything to confirm that what the smoking man said is true. You need it so bad that you're willing to believe any story even if it's based on events that have no connection. " She moved in closer to him and softened her voice. "Mulder nobody wants you to find the truth more than I do. Nobody. But I won't let you do this to yourself. You owe it to your work to stay true to your instincts. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to ME Mulder."
"Whats that supposed to mean Scully? What do I owe you?"
This was the conversation they had never had, never needed to have. No part of her ever blamed him for anything that happened to her. Was his guilt a contributing factor to tipping him over the edge?
"I can't live like this anymore Mulder. I can't watch you do this to yourself. "
"Scully this is who I was before I met you – we've been over this. The X-files are my life's work..."
And that's when she said it. The words that would come back to haunt her later.
"Mulder the X-files are not your sole reason for living anymore. And they aren't mine either. They're killing you Mulder. I hate them for it! They have this hold over you and me too. Its like a stranglehold Mulder, on my very existence. I can't live like this anymore. I won't. "
"Are you asking me to choose? You want me to become a different person?"
"I want you to get well Mulder."
"Theres nothing wrong with me Scully."
"Mulder you haven't left the house in weeks. You've lost at least fifty pounds in weight." She reached up to stroke his hair but he pulled away. "We haven't made love in four months." He seemed surprised at that. She wasn't sure whether his surprise was that it had been so long or that she had been brave enough to say it.
"Well you get at least one of your wishes Scully. I'm going to visit one of the towns in South America. I leave today. I'm not sure when I'll be back."
"Today? Mulder please wait until the end of the week and I'll come with you. Please don't go alone. Not while you're feeling this way."
"It's important that I go today. Anyway, I wouldn't want to place a stranglehold over your very existence."
She sat in the kitchen as he moved around in the bedroom packing a bag. She hated ultimatums, mostly because where Mulder was concerned she would usually end up backing down and looking like a fool. However, as he began moving the bags outside to the car she felt the compulsion to try to salvage something of their relationship. She ascended the stairs and slowly pushed open the door. She sat on the bed whilst he worked around her, rummaging in draws for various items.
"Mulder..."
He continued to move around, not answering.
"Mulder," She began again, "if you go tonight I won't be here when you get back. I mean it."
That stopped him. He looked at her for a moment before returning to his work. "We've been here before Scully."
Within an hour his bags were at the foot of the stairs.
Within the day he was loading them into a cab.
By the end of the week she had moved in with her mother.
She left a note.
"I'm at my Mothers until I find something more permanent. Call me when you get back so that I know you're safe. I still love you. DS."
Recap on how they split – the stranglehold
She calls him –
I barely know how to reach you myself.
Stranglehold they put on your very existence – and don't pretend im going alone
It certainly was good for you im happy to find a reason
Sveta mind reader : you were a couple before
Now your not
Hes been depressed – endogenous – killed the relationship –
WHAT DOES SHE ACTUALLY REMEMBER?
Don't give up – you look exhausted -
Are you fucking her?
Sveta 'i'd think i'd remember'
He visits her house late at night
Sveta is at her house
Shes at their house!
You know what your doing
I need to leave i shouldn't have come – she probably felt better when tad turned up
Are you fucking him? Tad
Thats quite an entrance
Shes shot men with less provocation
He came to see her, i was never more alive
Intense and challenging relationships the most impossible
Needed to see you again
Shes in the limo when he calls
A friend of mine