A/n don't ask where this came from. All I can say is that I think my muse, with the help of two others is staging a take over of my life. Help! Anyway, the names of my muse and the two muses borrowed from tearbos and my beta REIDFANATIC are the stars of this talk show. The names of said muses have been changed to protect the 'not so innocent.'
Warning: this is a parody/crack fic. I'm indulging the muses
Disclaimer: see my profile. I definetely don't claim any of this nonsense.
Spotlights came on and illuminated the darkened stage. The three cameras that surrounded the set were motionless until a signal from the director. The center stage camera pulled back to reveal three women sitting on a couch at one side of the set. They were in silhouette, so you couldn't see their faces or what they looked like.
"Welcome to the "Spencer Reid Show." A loud and booming voice echoed out over the cheers and the clapping from the live studio audience. "Here are you hosts, Fan Fiction Muses Jasmine, Sophia, and Tiffany!"
The volume in the studio increased exponentially when the lights came up on the women. "We're your experts on all things Spencer Reid." Jasmine said. She had dark hair and eyes with an oval shaped face. She had light coffee colored skin and a very slight Spanish accent.
"Today," She continued. "We have a very special treat for you. In the studio with us we have Spencer Reid."
The audience began to scream and clap. It went on and on until the second woman on the couch shouted them down. Her hair was blond and very short. It stuck up all over her head and her nose was pierced with a gold ring. She was very skinny and tall with blue eyes and limbs that seemed at war with each other.
"Ladies… Let's say hello to our contest winner, Maggie James." Sophia shouted to the crowd
A group of women on the first row jumped up and down and screamed around a small auburn haired woman in the center seat.
"Maggie comes to us from Minneapolis. Her essay, "Why Spencer Reid is the sexiest man in the FBI! Her thousand word essay was the best out of the five million entries we received. She will have the opportunity to ask Dr. Reid one question."
There was more applause and screaming at this announcement. Maggie James and her friends were the loudest, making it hard for the hosts of the show to get on with the broadcast. Tiffany, the third woman on the couch managed to break through the commotion and get the show back on track. She was as short as Maggie with dark brown hair that had been streaked with blond and red highlights. Her eyes were green and she had a heart shaped face.
"Everyone take your seats and get ready to welcome our guest of honor."
There was more thunderous applause and screaming. "Before we move on to the best part of the show, Jasmine has the latest news from the world of Spencer Reid."
Cheers and applause interrupted the show once again and once again the hosts had to shout over the volume. "According to our source on the inside who we know as "tech kitten," our boy has been up to some dangerous stunts again!
The audience all booed as if on cue. "Yes, it's true… Our lovely tech kitten reports that once again our hot genius was kidnapped in the line of duty." Tiffany said with a shake of her head. "Personally, I think he needs a bodyguard. I'm willing to take the job myself."
"Give me a break Tiff… I don't think anyone here believes you have pure motives where our Spencer is concerned. We've all read your stories." Sophia scoffed.
"Like you have room to talk -" Tiffany began.
"Girls… Can we get back to the show?" Jasmine shouted over them.
The audience cheered at this request.
"Jasmine's right, we'll argue about who gets to bodyguard Dr. Reid another time."
"Just because you know you'd lose."
"Tiffany!"
"Don't have an aneurysm, Jazz"
"You want to keep the audience waiting for our special guest?"
Tiffany was drowned out by the shouting and the clapping that went on for long minutes before the muses could get the crowd under control.
"What the crowd wants, the crowd gets." Sophia yelled. "Let's give Dr. Spencer Reid a warm Fan Fiction welcome."
Dr. Reid entered stage right and was guided to his seat by Jasmine. He wore a long-sleeved charcoal grey shirt with a black tie and a white, charcoal, black and red patterned sweater vest. His slacks matched his shirt. His shoes were dark blue Converse.
The crowd went wild and nearly overwhelmed the extra security guards that had been hired to come into the show and protect their guest from a rabid crowd of women.
It took everyone involved with the show ten minutes to calm everyone down. Then, it was only accomplished because the muses threatened to shut down the studio and go home.
Dr. Reid had gone scarlet in the face from all the attention and the fact that Sophia and Tiffany had trapped him between them on the couch. Jasmine rolled her eyes and took the chair to his right.
"If my two idiot co-hosts will stop trying to cop a feel, we can get on with the show." She told the audience who shouted in agreement.
Sophia and Tiffany grinned at each other over Reid who was looking back and forth between them as though they might be poisonous snakes.
"I'll have you know that we're not trying to cop a feel."
"Then you're nuts because if I were sitting there…" Jasmine said. "Just kidding Dr. Reid," She grinned at his astonished look. "So Dr. Reid, can we call you Spencer," she asked.
"S-sure…"
"Okay then Spencer, we have our contest winner right there in the front row. We'll let her have the first question."
"Maggie… Do you have your question ready for Spencer?"
Maggie was led up to the stage by one of the security men. The uniformed man showed her to the other unoccupied chair.
She was red in the face and was looking at Reid from under her downcast eyes. Reid was trying to smile at her while trying to shrink away from Sophia and Tiffany who were pressed up against him.
"Um… Will Austin be coming back to the show?" Maggie finally asked at the encouragement of Jasmine.
"Oh, um, well I don't really know. You see the writers and the producers sort of have control over all that I don't really -"
"Come on," Sophia said running the tips of her fingers down one of her arms. "We heard a rumor that Austin was visiting you only last week."
The crowd had gone very quiet as though waiting for the fate of the nation. "Well yeah um she was here but I promised I wouldn't talk about it so…"
"Of course, we totally understand, don't we ladies?" Tiffany gave the audience an exaggerated wink.
"Sure we do. So what did you do while she was here?" Jasmine asked.
"Well, that would be telling and I really promised."
"Stop trying to pump him for information Jazz."
"Oh like you aren't dying to know what he's been up to with her?"
"Girls, can we get back to the show."
Sophia had an arm draped through Reid's. He was scarlet in the face and fidgeting in his seat, "So, Spencer… boxers or briefs?"
"What," He squeaked and tried to pull away from her, but found himself trapped by the two muses.
"Give the man room to breathe," Jasmine complained. "Who came up with the seating arrangements anyway?" She was staring at Reid instead of her two friends.
"We agreed to it before the show. Stop complaining." Tiffany said. "So Spencer, what is it boxers or briefs.
"That's a bit personal isn't it?"
"No, we ask the same question to all of our guests."
"Really," He squeaked again.
"Would we lie to you?" Jasmine asked giving him a smile that she felt must inspire trust, even as she winked at the crowd.
"Um… okay, I wear boxers."
The crowd erupted into applause and cheers at this revelation. Reid was trying very hard to sink down into the cushions of the couch, but Sophia and Tiffany hauled him upright.
The crowd finally calmed down after much shouting and clapping. Jasmine was leaning forward in her chair with her chin on her hands.
"You owe me fifty Tiffs…"
"I do not!"
"Yes you do!"
"Guys," Jasmine shouted over them.
"Right, so Spencer, will you ever go to work without a tie?"
Reid's head swiveled over to look at Tiffany, who'd asked the question. "Um… why?"
The audience laughed at the utter confusion on Dr. Reid's face. "Well sweet thing, we just thought you'd look great in polo shirt or a tight tee shirt."
"Tee s-shirts are a-against the dress code."
"So strict," Sophia teased. "You need to loosen up a bit."
"No I don't," He blurted out and then blushed. "I don't wear my ties as tight as Hotch."
The girls giggled. "Very true," Jasmine admitted. "So no jeans in your future I presume."
"N-no… I don't have any j-jeans."
"That's too bad! I'm sure you'd look hot in a pair of tight jeans."
The audience went nuts for a long time before the muses could restore order in the studio.
"I think we're freaking out Spencer." Sophia said, brushing back his long bangs from his face.
"Okay, no more rude questions." Jasmine agreed.
"Well, there is one more rude question." Tiffany said.
"Don't worry," Sophia soothed Reid, who'd, spent the last half hour with a crimson face.
"Yeah… we're almost done." Sophia said.
"The one question on everyone's mind has to be the obvious. What is up with you and prostitutes?"
"I, um… I really don't know."
"Come on Spencer, I'm sure you have some idea, being a profiler and all." Jasmine asked in a 'you can tell us,' tone.
"I really don't know… JJ said that they want to mother me or something."
"Hm… I don't think that's right." Tiffany said. "I think it's your eyes."
The crowd went wild, with some of the women trying to get on stage. The extra security had their hands full for several minutes till the muses threatened to end it right there.
"It appears that the crowd agrees with Tiffany." Jasmine said to Reid.
"I really couldn't say. It's embarrassing."
"You shouldn't be embarrassed baby." Sophia was running her hand up and down his arm. "You are the hottest profiler on television."
This got the crowd going again for another five minutes. When they finally stopped shouting Jasmine said, "Well, it's a question that we may never know the answer to. That's all the time we have today. Tune in tomorrow when we have Dr. Spencer Reid's third grade teacher here."
The crowd clapped and cheered for ten minutes after the lights went down. When the studio was finally empty of eager fans, the muses turned their attention to Dr. Reid, who was still crimson faced and playing with the edge of his sleeve.
"So Spencer, how about a question off the record," Tiffany asked?
"Um… sure," but he didn't look very sure.
"Do you realize that all the ladies in the bureau want to get into your pants?" Sophia asked.
"That's n-not true!"
"We had a chat with Agent Morgan and he thinks its, true so…"
"Um, I plead the fifth." Reid insisted.
"That's okay; we'll just ask our source on the inside for the real story."
"You have a source!" He squeaked.
"Of course we do!" Jasmine said as though it were obvious. "Didn't you hear us talking about it at the beginning of the show?"
"No," He'd been to busy trying not to hyperventilate and faint. "W-who is it?"
"We can't tell you that. You'll have to figure it out on your own."
"That's not fair."
"Don't worry baby, we'll never hear about a kiss and tell on you." Tiffany promised.
"I don't believe any of you."
"That's cold Spencer."
"If you weren't so cute…" Sophia said.
"Can I go now? I have to get back to work. Hotch didn't want me here in the first place. I still don't know how you talked him into it." He asked Jasmine.
"That's top secret."
"Good one Jazz."
"I'm leaving," Reid said leaping to his feet and hurrying off stage.
"Well, that went really well." Tiffany said.
"He didn't let us in on any juicy secrets." Sophia pointed out.
"True… What did we do wrong?" Jasmine asked.
"Don't know… Do you think he'd come back again?"
"Not on your life Jazz."
"Too bad," Sophia said. "Let's head back to our office and start plotting our next stories."
"I like the way you think girl."