And this, dear ones, is why dear Karma and I were hated by our choir director in high school. Song parodies are an obsession with us, and Karma is wonderful at dreaming them up. Please don't hate us too badly, we can only say "Blame the muses!" Shoot us, hang us, eat us, whatever. It is meant to amuse, and nothing more meaningful than that. So now, we present to you, a song that Lecter would never sing if he were in his right mind. (Don't ask, don't question the incongruity of the situation, just read) Enjoy!
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Setting: The shared kitchen in Clarice and Delia's duplex. Set sometime after the movie end of Hannibal.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter leans over the chair in which Ex-Special Agent Clarice Starling is tied, her slender wrists secured to the chair arms with handcuffs. The good doctor does not wish to be inconvenienced by her this time. His maroon eyes have a far-away look to them as he stands over her, Harpy unsheathed in hand. A smile begins to spread his red lips as Clarice's fear grows. The cold blade of the Harpy is laid against her skin, and the doctor begins to say something to her. Clarice's jaw drops in amazement at what comes out of his mouth. It's the good doctor's voice, but he is singing something she would never imagine him singing, in any lifetime.
"I was gonna eat your wife, till I got high. Was gonna tie her up and take her life, but I got high. Now I'm eatin' fava beans, and I know why. Cuz I got high, because I got high, because I got high."
"I was gonna go hunt for Clarice, but I got high. Was gonna make her obsession cease, but I got high. Now I'm minus a hand, and I know why....cuz I got high, because I got high, because I got high." Clarice stares at him, closing her mouth and trying to hold back the laughter she feels creeping up through her belly. He doesn't stop, only continues with his song.
"I was gonna cut out your bowels, but then I got high. Toss you out the window like a bag of towels, but then I got high. Now Starling's right on my ass, and I know why....Cuz I got high, because I got high, because I got high." The first giggle slips past her taut lips, earning a mild glare from the singing doctor.
"I was gonna harass you with cell phone calls, but then I got high, I was gonna stalk you through the mall, but then I got high. Now I'm ridin' the merry-go-round, and I know why...cuz I got high, because I got high, because I got high." He stops and cocks his head at her, staring into the depths of her sharp blue eyes. Eyes that are beginning to tear as the laughter threatens to overtake her. He pulls away sharply, and blinks a few times. Clarice is leaning in her bounds, and she would double over laughing if she could. Her eyes are bright as she looks up to Lecter's stern countenance.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me right then." he pauses, slowly coming back to himself, and locking the embarrassing incident away in the dungeons of his palace. "Do you find that funny, dear Clarice?"
"More than you know, Dr. Lecter, more than you know."
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See? I told you that it was meaningless. "Because I got High" is by Afroman. This lovely parody is courtesy of Karma. All the other normal disclaimers apply, just didn't put them at the top of the page. Ta-ta, dear ones.