Disclaimer: In real life Star Trek belongs to Paramount and Eugene Wesley "Gene" Roddenberry RIP. However when I am sleeping, sometimes I dream that it belongs to me! And that's my only profit.
Author's note: A Christmas one-shot written for TeaOli and the Writers Anonymous holiday gift exchange.
This is a little story in the form of a dialogue between Jim and Spock talking about slash fiction. Special guest star Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy.
Please forgive my simple vocabulary - English is not my native language.
.
.
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"No, I do not mean the punctuation mark!"
Captain, I would like to remind you once again, that I am not treacherous or unprincipled.
I know that, Mr. Spock.
Therefore I see no logic in this kind of literature. My species is not dominated by our basic instincts. Vulcan actions, philosophy and way of life do not resemble anything like this piece of writing indicates.
I know that too, Mr. Spock. But you must understand-
In addition, may I remind you that – according to your own saying – even my counterpart in the Mirror universe followed the principles of logic? I seriously doubt that in any universe, space or time, I would find Dr. McCoy "a most willing partner and husband".
(Kirk does his best to hide a laugh and partially fails.)
Come, come Mr. Spock. It's just human fantasy in the form of erotic literature... (Kirk seeing Spock's discomfort smiles.) I believe you should be flattered!
(One eyebrow rises.)
Indeed, Captain? May I remind you again that Vulcans are not famous for our fantasy or for our achievements in the erotic literature? We take great pride in our achievements in the medical science, which is true. But our knowledge covers the entire body, not only certain parts of it, Vulcan or Human bodies, in that regard.
Come, come now Mr. Spock. And as for your famous self-control, (Kirk half-smiles a most satisfying smile) you, me and a certain Starfleet doctor have a lot to tell from our last visit to your home world.
(Spock is drawn back a little by the unexpected remark.)
That is a biology issue. Under no circumstances-
But that is also biology, Spock! Humans have a very vivid fantasy and out erotic literature dates back thousand of years – even before writing was invented, love stories were passed on from one generation to the next in the form of oral communication.
As I was saying, under no circumstances I believe I could impregnate you!
Oh, yes. That... is a little too much. But well you know, Spock... Overall I can say that that piece of literature is really... something! Wouldn't you say, Mr. Spock?
Yes I would, captain. It is really something uncomfortable.
(Kirk smiles again amused.)
And besides, there is a hard-earned thing called "freedom of speech". What can I say? Except that... it's a human thing. Surely you can relate to that Spock, even a little?
Jim, I assure you, I am not a member of the homo sapiens species. I utterly, entirely and completely fail to comprehend that form of literature.
Be careful, Spock... Things change. (Kirk sings these last words.)
(Spock shakes his head.)
That is true, Jim. But our ethics and principles do not.
(At this moment an enraged McCoy storms in the room.)
Bones! You'll never imagine what Spock discovered while reading-
(Jim never suspected that Len had such a good right hand. Len's punch hits him right in the face and Jim falls on the floor unconscious.)
- In the sick bay -
(Jim is unconscious on a medical bed; Len is walking up and down nervous and waving his hands. Spock watches him calmly.)
I wonder HOW you can remain calm in something like this! This is... this is... I swear I'll kill him! Once he wakes up!
Doctor, I fail to understand why you hit the captain. Apart from that fact that he is your commanding officer. I will not recite the regulation that will put you under arrest for attacking the captain, mainly because I am curious as to your reason. The captain is not responsible for this form of literature. Even you in your emotional state can understand that...
Oh no? Oh no? Is that what you think? Well, let me open up your eyes! Let me enlighten you! It IS his fault! Do you recall how he practically flirts with everything that wears a skirt on the ship and... everywhere? Well, looks like one time you gave him a back rub!
Doctor! I assure you, I never-
I know you didn't, Spock, but that dumb fool, one day had the ingenious idea of teasing you by making you rub his back!
When? Ι do not recall such-
Only because Anderson was right behind him - it was her who did the rubbing! That was the small flame that turned into a big fire! Slash! Incest! And who knows what else will follow!
I fail to see how a punctuation mark relates to erotic literature.
(McCoy grids his teeth.) It comes from the subject. M slash m, f slash f. Male with male, female with female.
I... see. And what do bugs have to do with erotic literature?
? ? ? ? ? ? ?
(Both men look at each other surprised.)
I said incest, not insect, you green-blooded Vulcan!
(Spock's ears turn into a deep, deep shade of olive green. He opens his mouth to speak, but no sound comes up.)
I know that whatever anybody says about you or Jim, you guys don't care. But I am a father, Spock! I have a child! What do you suppose I do if something like this falls into my daughter's hands?
... ... ... ...
(Spock is still shocked and speechless.)
Oooooohhhhhh, my head!
(Jim awakes and sits on the bed. His left eye is black.)
We didn't ask for your opinion!
Jim would never forget that day, not until the end of his life. He always thought about it amused and with affection for his life-long friends. It was one of the very rare moments when Spock and Len joined forces against him and made him promise to never pull something like that back-rub or anything like it, never, ever again. He did. Make a promise. And tried hard to keep it. After all he was a ladies man. But he liked so much to tease Spock or Bones. He, he, he! It was him who gave Len his nickname. Which Len also failed to appreciate. Jim shook his head. Some people... simply did not appreciate humor or a good joke.
The End.
A/N: The idea to confuse the word incest with the word insect is (again) based on a personal experience. I started reading a story once believing it related to the cartoon movie "A Bug's Life". It took me a while to understand exactly *what* I was reading. I didn't know what the word incest meant. Well, I do now poor me! LOL Happy new year everybody!