A/N: So, this is something I've thought about for a while. It's a PARODY, so please keep that in mind. Also, no offense is meant to other fanfic writers. Just having a bit of fun.
Spoilers: Some minor spoilers, nothing that should really bother anyone.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Or the television show "Bones." I do own The Black Hole. :-)
Peyton Perotta was not a coward. She was an FBI agent and was quite capable of taking care of herself, thank you very much.
But odd things had been happening, ever since she'd met Seeley Booth and the team at the Jeffersonian. And for quite a while now she'd been filled with unease.
She'd hear the whispers at night when she was in bed, or when she walked down a hallway alone. 'Tramp…" "Whore…" "Someone should kill her…" were just a few of the things uttered.
She'd looked but could never find who the voices belonged to. All she could figure out was that they were female. And angry. Very angry.
That night when she went to her car she discovered an envelope under the windshield. Inside was a note that simply read, "Visit us if you want to be safe." A business card clipped to the note had a name – The Black Hole – and an address located on a street in an out of the way part of DC.
Perotta decided it was worth checking out. That's why she was now walking down a deserted street, at night, the whispers becoming more malevolent.
The Black Hole was identified by a small blue neon sign over a wood frame building. She opened the paneled door and stepped inside.
It resembled a bar. Tiffany lamps hung overhead. A mahogany bar took up most of the left side. On the end of the bar a dark haired man sat hunched over a glass.
There were tables scattered throughout the small room. Two blond women sat at one table, stirring their drinks with their straws and speaking in low tones. A group of guys carried on a more animated conversation at two tables pushed together near the back.
"Can I help you?"
A large black man stood behind the bar. He gave her a friendly smile and held out his hand to shake. "Name's Sid. And you are?"
"FBI Agent Peyton Perotta," she said, shaking the man's hand. "Look, I found this card, and I don't really understand what's going on…"
"Yeah, I know," Sid smiled. "Let me get you your drink. Yo! Jarhead!" he called out. "That agent you asked about? She just showed up."
One of the men of the group stood up and walked over. He had a very short haircut and wore a naval uniform. Perotta frowned – she'd seen him, not long ago…
"Aren't you…Agent Booth's brother?"
"Yeah, I'm Jared," he said with a smile, shaking her hand. "Welcome to The Black Hole."
"Thanks," Perotta said. She looked around. "I really don't get what's going on…"
"Yeah, I know," Jared said, sitting on a bar stool and sipping from his glass, "Let me guess – you've been hearing voices, saying ugly and threatening things about you, right? And you can't identify the speakers, right?"
"Yes – how did you know?" Perotta asked. Sid handed her a tall glass of something, and she sipped it. Surprised, she said, "It's Dr. Pepper. How did you know that's my favorite soda?
"It's my job to know," Sid said. "No worries, Agent Perotta, they can't get you as long as you stay here."
"Who are they?" Perotta asked, feeling frustrated.
Jared sighed. "The fans." He finished off his drink and looked at the empty glass moodily. "Sid, are you sure she won't make an exception?"
"You think she'd make one for you?" Sid asked with a disbelieving chuckle. "I'll freshen it up for you."
Perotta shook her head. "Wait. Start at the beginning. What fans? And who's she?"
"Well, she likes to be called "Bookwormlady" for some reason," Jared said, handing his glass to Sid. "And the fans? Well, they're the ones who want to see my brother and Dr. Brennan hook up together."
Perotta was mystified. "What has that got to do with me?"
Jared grimaced as Sid handed him his drink. "You flirted with me brother. Big no-no. They see you as a threat."
"Because I flirted with him?" the blond agent was outraged. "But he told me they were just partners! It's not like we went out or anything!"
"Yeah," snorted the man at the end of the bar. "In my day, you had to do a lot more to get the fan's dander up. Those b-"
Before he could say anything else, he gagged, and pretty multicolored soap bubbles began to pour from his mouth. Sid shook his head. "Sully, man, you should now better than that."
Perotta rushed to the man to make sure he was all right. She looked over at Jared, who surveyed the situation with amusement. "What is this all about?"
"Well, Bookwormlady doesn't mind giving us shelter, but she has this thing against profanity." Jared took a sip of his drink and made a face. "And alcohol. I tell you, if it weren't for the fanfic writers I'd never come here."
"The fanfic writers?" Perotta suddenly felt cold. Something about the way Jared said the words frightened her.
"Yeah, them!" Sully said, spitting out the last of the soap bubbles. "They're vicious. "Let's drown Sully! No, let's get Booth to shoot him! No, let's make him insane and have him kidnap Brennan and then let's kill him!" He looked over at Perotta with blazing eyes. "Does it ever occur to them I was never evil on the show? That Tempe dated me of her own free will??"
"Easy there, Sully, you'll be spouting soap bubbles if you aren't careful," Jared said, patting the man on the arm.
Sully glared at the other man. "They'll never hate you as much as they do me. Never!"
"Maybe not after tonight," Jared said. He took Perotta by the arm and led her to a table. "You have to forgive him. He's probably the most hated character in fanfic and while he doesn't show it he's kind of proud of the fact."
Perotta took one last glance at Sully who had turned to study the mirror behind the bar. "So," she said as she and Jared sat, "everyone here…"
"Had some kind of romantic relationship with Seeley or Tempe," Jared finished.
She frowned as she took in the two women, who were sending curious looks in her direction, and the men, who were carrying on their noisy conversation. "So we're stuck here forever? What happens when we leave?"
"The fans get us…" Jared's voice dropped to a whisper. Before he could go on, Sully slammed his glass down.
"I'm not taking it any more!" he yelled. He staggered to the door. Perotta noticed that the bar became silent as he put a hand on the door handle, tossed the room a defiant look, and exited.
The door barely shut before one of the women stood up. "Okay, my turn to take bets on how long and what happens. Hurry up – you know Sully never lasts long."
"Excuse me a sec," Jared said to Perotta. He stood up and walked to the other table, pulling out his wallet. "I'll say 90 seconds, and he falls out of a hot air balloon."
"That sounds imaginative," the woman said, keeping an eye on her watch as she took Jared's money. "You get that, Rebecca?"
"Yes, Tessa," the other woman said, busily scribbling on a legal pad as others chimed in with times and ways to die.
It wasn't that long before the door to the outside slammed open, and Sully dragged himself back inside. He was dragging himself because both his legs were apparently broken. He was covered with blood and gasping.
"Time!" Tessa said, holding up her hand. "Everyone who said 90 seconds has a chance at the pot!"
A few groans came from the men at the table – only Jared, Rebecca and another man had said 90 seconds. Appalled at everyone's insensitivity, Perotta ran to Sully. Dropping to her knees beside him, she shouted, "This man needs a doctor!"
"Now, calm down there, Agent Perotta," Sid said, crouching down with what looked like a chocolate milk shake. "I got what the man needs. Drink up, Sully."
"But that – that looks like a chocolate milk shake!" Perotta sputtered.
"Yes, Bookwormlady is a big chocolate fan," Sid said as he placed the straw in Sully's mouth.
The injured man began to drink, and to Perotta's amazement his legs straightened out, making cracking and popping noises as the bones knit together. Sully sat on the floor and sucked down the milkshake, his slurping sounds the loudest noise in the bar.
When he stood up and straightened his clothing (Perotta noticed all traces of blood and dirt had vanished) Sid clapped him on the shoulder. "Okay, my man. How'd you buy it this time?"
"I fell out of a hot air balloon. Can you believe it?" Sully said, shaking his head as he went back to his barstool.
Perotta watched as Jared cheerfully collected his winnings. "I'll buy the next round, guys," he said. There were sounds of agreement and the place settled down to much as it had been when Perotta had first come in.
Jared shook his head as he rejoined her. "That's Sully," he said. "Always likes to tempt fate."
"So no one's ever been able to leave for good?" Perotta asked. Sid came by and replaced her empty glass with a full one before passing out drinks to the guys' table.
"Well, we're not sure," Jared said. He called over to Sid. "How long has Cam been gone now?"
Sid looked thoughtful. "I'll have to look it up, but I think it's been around 56 days. We might have to take new bets on her."
"Cam?" Perotta frowned. "You mean Dr. Saroyan?"
"That's her," Jared said. "She and Seeley had an affair for a while, and the fans were pretty unforgiving. Lately she's been supporting the whole B/B relationship, so the fanfic writers overall have been giving her better characterizations in their stories."
"All it takes is one ticked off fanfic writer, though," Rebecca said gloomily. "How many times am I going to be killed? Or made out to be a b-"
She gagged and soap bubbles started coming out. Tessa grimaced and moved her glass away from the table. She looked over at the door, considering.
"Anyone else want to make a go of it?" Tessa called out. She looked over at Perotta. "How about you?"
Perotta looked at the door. She looked at Sully, still sulking at the end of the bar. She looked at Rebecca, still coughing up soap bubbles.
She took a long sip of her Dr. Pepper. "Me, I'm good, thanks."
Peyton Perotta wasn't a coward.
But she wasn't a fool. And she wasn't about to mess with the fans.
They meant business.
A/N: Like it? There's a sorta/kinda sequel to it called "The Return to the Black Hole" that I'll upload in a day or two if anyone's interested!