Kurt slowly climbed up the stairs, trying not to show in how much pain he was; not that anyone would notice in an empty hallway. He told Blaine he was fine, he could do it and he was going to, especially since all his friends weren't even there yet. He wasn't in a mood for the "traditional" Monday dinner but they were supposed to celebrate him so it would be rude to ask them not to come.
Kurt was freshly out of the hospital when he went to see the memorial for Russ with Blaine and he was still struggling with every day activities that his beaten up body just made it harder to go through. He sighed as he reached the top of the stairs and opened the door to the loft, before he put the keys on the hook by the door and took off his jacket.
Kurt entered his room and sighed at the sight of the unpacked hospital bag lying by the privacy curtain. It was a little too much for him to do it now so he let it sit there when he lay down on the bed. His dad was in a hotel, alone. He could call him, they could hang out, but Kurt didn't really feel like it. Not because he had anything against hanging out with Burt, not at all. It was just that his dad would worry because Kurt wasn't back in shape yet. That was what worried everyone around him the most, despite the fact he felt better physically than he did mentally. Most of the cuts were already on their way to healing but Kurt still kept waking up in the middle of the night, like the bashing happened a few hours ago and not days.
Kurt sighed and closed his eyes. Getting better seemed to be a longer process than he had thought and the actual sadness didn't hit him until he was about to leave the hospital. Yes, of course he was proud of what he did because god knows what those guys would have done to the man they were beating up. It was really probable that Kurt simply saved his life. Yet, he couldn't feel happy about it: not anymore.
Kurt sighed and closed his eyes, thinking about it. It wasn't really the fact that he got beaten up. He didn't regret it, what he told Burt was truth. But it was the realisation he's had over the past few days. He could have lost his life. That's just the thing that could have happened and that it didn't was a blessing but it made Kurt think. Was he really happy with his life as it was at that moment?
Because he was in his dream school and had an amazing roommate (they fought occasionally but they loved each other nevertheless), he had a supporting father and a step-mom that was there for him and he was there for her. Some things that happened in the past few months he couldn't change. And there was one he could and realising that slowly was one of the most painful feelings.
Blaine was a factor in Kurt life that stopped being 100% positive long time ago. The fight they had before the attack wasn't the first in the past few months. They fought over things that weren't just as little as misplaced socks. Their fights were hurtful and after every single one Kurt felt like the bad guy. Making Blaine sleep on a couch. Ruining Blaine's idea for a working space. Making Blaine change his schedule back to the first draft. Making Blaine move out.
Sometimes Kurt wasn't sure anymore what was his own decision and what was the one they made together. He sighed again and sat up, looking around. Time to unpack before starting dinner and meeting Blaine to go to the Russ's memorial. He wasn't happy but it was probably just the effect of medication he was taking and exhaustion from the stay in a hospital. After all, everyone thought he and Blaine were an ideal couple.
Kurt bit his lip before getting inside the building. He let everyone go ahead and stayed outside to take a few deep breaths and calm himself down. He could have postponed it and maybe for a second there he regretted not listening to Blaine. But his voice was fine and he was ready. He was a fighter and he wanted to perform for his Midwinter Critique on time.
Kurt knew that Blaine talked to Madam Tibideaux about rescheduling his performance the same day it happened and he was a little irritated that no one thought of consulting him before making that decision. So he went and scheduled it back to the previous date after assuring the dean that yes, he was able to do it and no, he wasn't going to hurt himself and no, he didn't do it because he thought she'd fail him and letting him not perform at all definitely wasn't an option.
Kurt took off the jacket and put his bag in the changing room, already in an outfit he planned carefully for this performance. He straightened up his tie and looked in the mirror.
Maybe he should have put on some make up? What if people thought he was using his injuries for pity? What if people judged him because usually everyone in NYADA looked perfect 24/7 and the injuries weren't pretty, the cuts on his face weren't pretty and didn't fit the image of a perfect NYADA student?
But Kurt wanted to show them that he was fine. That despite everything he was ready to get back on track and that it was not easy to break him. That beating him up was not going to break him, not inside.
Kurt sighed and fixed his hair one last time, making sure that his pants were zipped and his shirt was tucked in on the back. After all the blazer was not going to stay for much longer. He smiled at himself and then left the room, entering the Round Room. He smiled at Mercedes and Rachel before joining his dad and Blaine and taking the seat they reserved for him as Madam Tibideaux welcomed everyone and first performers started singing. Kurt looked at the girl who danced through the whole room and suddenly realised he was not going to be able to beat that. He was still healing and dancing vigorously was never an option and the perfectly planned performance was supposed to base more on his acting skills and the interaction with the audience but what if he was wrong, again? What if all of that was going to be a disaster? Kurt bit his lip and stood up when his name was called. There was no escape now anyway so why just not go through with a plan?
"You could have gotten hurt, Kurt!" Blaine looked at him with a disapproval as they finally were alone in Kurt's part of the apartment. Rachel went out to celebrate with her castmates so they had the whole loft to themselves and Kurt didn't even have time to take off the tie until Blaine started talking how irresponsible was Kurt's jump on the piano and he sighed heavily. Yes, he wasn't in the best shape and maybe it was indeed taking some risk. He could have fallen off or not even manage to climb on top of the instrument but he managed. And taking the risks in this school was an every day thing. So why was Blaine so mad?
Kurt sighed and untied his tie before he looked at Blaine.
"I could have but I'm fine. And I got feedback from Tibideaux. I mean, maybe I would have gotten it without the jump… Probably I would" Kurt chuckled and smiled at the thought of his teacher's words. "But it's such an important performance and that was as much risk as I could get. No make up, no choreography and this. Boldness is appreciated in NYADA, isn't it?" he shrugged and smiled at Blaine who just rolled his eyes and nodded.
"I guess… It's just… I was worried" he stood behind Kurt and massaged his shoulders carefully. "Does your neck still hurt? Your voice sounded amazing today, do you need some hot tea with honey for it? Or medicine? I can make you some while you shower" he whispered and kissed Kurt's shoulder through the shirt.
"I would appreciate some tea. But your last train is leaving soon, I can make it myself" Kurt said softly and turned around, smiling at Blaine tiredly.
Blaine's face fell. He was hoping he could stay for the night but apparently Kurt's plans were different. He shrugged and nodded.
"I just thought I could… Stay for the night…" Blaine shrugged again and smiled unsurely.
Kurt sighed and nodded. It would be rude, after all, to make Blaine go home by himself so late after he offered to help Kurt get back to the apartment.
"Okay" Kurt nodded. "But make that tea?" He smiled and kissed Blaine briefly before going to the bathroom. Showering was taking him a little more time than it used to, but he needed to relax and it was a perfect opportunity for it so he didn't feel bad for it.
Kurt got out of the bathroom almost an hour later and smiled at the scent of food Blaine was making. "I thought you promised me tea? I see you got more creative" he smiled and kissed Blaine's neck before wrapping arms about the boy's waist. "What are you making?"
"Some pasta and a salad. Both or whichever you prefer" Blaine answered warmly and smiled at Kurt over his shoulder. They were going to have an amazing evening.
Kurt was lying in the darkness. He couldn't sleep and didn't understand why. Nothing bad happened to him, yet he was shaken and didn't seem able to fall asleep. He sighed and turned around, his back facing Blaine.
It's not like there was anything wrong with being intimate with his boyfriend. He might have not felt ready but Blaine has been amazing the past few days and seemed really eager to help any time Kurt needed it and when he hinted earlier how he hoped the night would end Kurt didn't protest. He might have murmured something about being too tired but Blaine promised to take care of him.
So why did Kurt feel so empty? He'd wanted this, didn't he? They loved each other, there was no reason to be shaken up after having sex with his boyfriend even if he tried to say no it was just a brief moment and then he let Blaine coax him into the bed. He didn't say no again, did he?
Kurt swallowed heavily and touched his bare stomach that felt like it was in knots. It wasn't Blaine's fault that it turned out Kurt wasn't ready. That moving like that was a little too painful. That Blaine didn't think much of Kurt's declaration of being tired. That Kurt just laid there, not even trying. Blaine didn't have to guess, Kurt should have told him more than once. And maybe letting Blaine stay for the night was already some kind of declaration. So Kurt screwed up and now he felt like he was about to panic and he didn't like it. There was nothing to panic over. They just had sex. Two adults, an engaged couple, had sex. One of them might have not been eager to do it or really happy about it but it was no big deal and Kurt got mad at himself over trying to make it bigger than it was.