That was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.
Ruth.......Ruth
I wake with a jerk and for a moment I am disorientated as the blurry surroundings of an abandoned warehouse sharply spring back into focus. With a rush I remember where I am, the events leading to me sitting on a chair alone with my hands tied. The abduction by Sarkisian, the fake video Islamic terrorist style execution by Mani and his followers and now here. Waiting. Waiting for me to break. Everybody breaks in the end; it's just a question of when.
The door opens and Mani strolls in and sits in front of me, he drinks the water in his hand and I feel my throat painfully clench with a thousand daggers sharply stabbing my skin in thirst. I feel my breathing become shallow and a thin sheen of sweat cover me. I know the technique. Mani is a professional intelligence officer and knows the usual tricks won't work for me. But every little thing is being done to wear me down, erode away my resistance so that I'll give him what he wants. But I can't. I won't.
"I'm not a psychopath Harry, the sound of screaming actually sets my teeth on edge" says Mani staring at me intently. I turn my eyes to the floor, trying to block him out, using all my strength to hold on.
"Especially women" he continues "There is a woman though who also knows what I want, the one who was with you in Baghdad."
I look up at this. Shocked. How could he know that? For the first time since my capture I experience a real genuine wave of fear. Is it possible? I stare at him and see in his eyes...he knows the truth. Quickly, assuming a confidence I in no way feel, I laugh in his face.
"She's dead" I say "You can't get to her."
"She's very much alive as both you and I know" he replies.
My breathing increases sharply and I hear my heart racing. Panic rises up within me. It's too late he knows about Ruth. God please no, not her. But they can't find her surely, I don't even know where she is. But as I look into the cold unfeeling eyes of my captor I am filled with an unflinching realisation. This is a man who will stop at nothing. If he wants to find her, then he will.
"She doesn't know" and I can hear the exhausted trace of a plea in my voice.
"I think she does. But even if I'm wrong sometimes it's the pain of others that can make people break."
As if punctuating this last cruel statement of his head viciously scrapes back his chair and rises and leaves me alone.
My head is in frenzy. Ruth. I've had to bury her in my mind for these long years. The morbid longing for things to be different, cold hours without her missing her like she was a part of me. Now I've made the one crucial mistake that we are all trained to avoid. I've become too close. All my life I shunned the people close to me, pushing them away from me so that no one could hurt them. My wife, my children.....I learned to steel my heart against them, so that I might protect them.
But they never saw it that way and they never forgave me. Perhaps that why I never let Ruth in, all those times she tried to get close to me. It was too late when I realised how much she meant to me. How much I loved her....and now....oh Ruth, please God don't let them find her.
Up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness. Because none of it was ever worth the risk.
I must have passed out again, lack of water and the heat is making me slightly more delirious. Hours or only minutes could have passed since Mani left the room, I have no idea. The sound of the door opening at the far end of the room forces me to look. In the doorway in the shadows I see the frame of Mani lingering for a second. Then he moves and I can see the figure of woman, hands tied being led into the room. My heart sinks inside me. He's found her. He's found Ruth.
She is led to the chair opposite me and I can't take my eyes off her. I never thought I'd see her again. The pain and joy at seeing her here now is too sharply intertwined for me tell them apart.
"Friends reunited" pronounces Mani, clearly taking delight in all this.
"What have you done with my family" replies Ruth defiantly.
A small unfamiliar ache in my chest lurches as she says this. Family? Of course, she moved on. How could I expect her to stay pining away over something that was never meant to be. She had every right to find happiness with someone else. And yet...and yet I still feel the unreasonable sting of jealousy. I wanted to be with her and be a normal family for the first time in my life but I couldn't. Such a life is denied us when we join the service. I gaze at her mournfully imagining what might have been as Mani drones on.
"Were you two just friends back then? There was an obvious connection and everybody else out there was at it like rabbits. Adrenaline, I suppose. You two though, you know it wouldn't surprise me if it was all quite chaste in a frightfully outdated Brief Encounter kind of way."
"I wouldn't speculate about it too much it's probably a bit beyond your vulgar little mind" I say still looking at Ruth. She avoids my gaze, embarrassed no doubt by hearing about us in that crude way. She was always so worried of what people would think of us and now it's probably nothing more than an inconvenient reminder of something she was trying to forget.
"One or both of you knows where the Uranium is. I shall be back shortly to find out which of you breaks first."
Mani smiles with sinister glee at me and then leaves as Ruth and I face each other with anxiety in our eyes. So it begins. What was I going to do. I couldn't give Mani the information, it would be catastrophic. But how long would I last if they started to hurt Ruth. I feared that my wretched weakness might overcome me. I had learnt to let no one in, no one would hold that much power over me so that by hurting them they would destroy me. But Ruth was the only exception. I had to think of something fast because I knew that as soon as they went near her I'd be weak enough to break.
We sat in silence minutes. Ruth refused to look at me and I just sat there drinking in the sight of her after these long empty years. I had missed her so much. Finally wanting to end the terrible silence I said
"You got married out there"
I think for a while she won't speak but then finally she replies
"George is a doctor. At the local hospital where I worked for a while."
"Worked?" I asked. She looks at me and with a hint of smile in her eyes says
"Clerical work."
"You were made for more than that Ruth" I say remembering the brilliant intelligent woman I fell in love with. She was born for a life at MI5.
"I loved it" she says looking at me coldly "I did my job correctly and when it was finished I went to the market or swimming. It was simple, everything about my life was simple and elegant for once."
I hear the sadness and the bitterness lace her words. It reflects my own pain, the life I could never give her. The man I could never be. My thoughts lead me on.
"And George?" I ask. I need to know, is she completely happy with him. Now is definitely not the time for such selfish thoughts but I need to know. More than anything, whether what I feel I feel alone...or if she still loves me.
"He's a good and kind man Harry" I hear the catch in her voice, she looks down to the ground. I feel a rush of hope.
"Do you love him?" I ask, desperate for the answer whatever it may be.
"I feel....very guilty" she stammers out.
"That wasn't my question...Ruth..."
"He doesn't deserve to be in danger and I'm not going to start discussing my feelings about him. Not with you" she replies. The moment has past and she has shut me out.
"OK" calls Mani as he re-enters the room with a couple of henchmen in his wake.
"Time to get serious now, where's the uranium" he says moving towards us.
I can see tears forming in Ruth's eyes and with utter dread I fear the time has come when Mani will make his move by hurting her. I'm physically exhausted but anger and desperation well up within me that I actually make it out of my chair as I hoarsely shout.
"Don't hurt her. You dare to hurt her..."
"Calm down Harry" replies Mani as he effortlessly pushes me back down into the chair with one rough hand on my shoulder. "No need to go all Shakespearean on us."
My eyes flick towards Ruth to check that she is unharmed but her attention is drawn to the side. I turn my head and see that Mani's henchman has drawn up another chair and rested a laptop on it. It shows a live video feed of a small boy kicking a ball around with a tall man in large garden. The look on Ruth's face tells me before Mani's words that this is Ruth's family.
"They think they are in their nice new garden and that the men with guns are looking them" says Mani he pauses and I see Ruth looking up at him imploringly, he then continues "Which of course they are for the time being."
"Please, don't do anything to them" pleads Ruth, the pleading pain in her voice catches at my heart. I realise now that it will have to be Ruth who will pay the price for my silence as with sickening dread I see Mani's plan unfold.
"If you co-operate with me, then I'll have no need to do so" is Mani's callous reply.
Ruth then looks at me as if for guidance and for the first time I can't meet her gaze. I can't let her know what Mani will threaten to do and what he will ultimately be forced to do through my silence.
Mani stalks around the room forcing Ruth to watch her family on the screen living on a knife edge, backing her into a corner that will break her.
"You see there's no need for torture" croons Mani as he bends down next to Ruth.
"You think this isn't torture?" cries Ruth softly, her gaze never leaving the screen.
"One of my men will first shoot your husband and then the boy if you do not tell me where the uranium is" Mani says his tone changing to hard and cold.
"Please, I'm begging you" chokes out Ruth now unable to hold back the tears.
"Tell me where the uranium is" whispers Mani persistently.
"She doesn't know" I say
"We'll see" Mani's greedy little eyes not leaving Ruth.
"I'm telling you, you're wasting your time she doesn't know where it is" I rap out quickly trying in vain to push off track. But Mani keeps pushing, persistent as ever.
"Tell me Ruth" he hisses
"She only think she knows where it is" I keep trying desperately.
"Your husband and the boy are about to die"
Tears streaming down her face she sighs and stares at the video feed, the two still blissfully ignorant that their fate is being decided right now in this room. Ruth shakes her head and I know Mani has broken her.
"I'm sorry Harry. I can't.....it's in Norfolk an abandoned nuclear shelter from the Cold War years."
Oh Ruth, why did you have to say that? I shut my eyes, I feel my breathing escalate again and I brace myself for what is about to happen. Ruth looks at me with sorrow in her eyes, clearly asking for my forgiveness and Mani flicks a snide victorious glance as me as he gets up and opens his cell phone. Everybody breaks in the end; it's just a question of when.
"Oh dear Harry" says Mani as I hear the phone begin to ring. I look away from Ruth, I can't look at her, not now I know what will follow.
"Take the boy inside" says Mani as the call picks up.
We watch as the small boy is led inside by an officer and the tall handsome man that must be George is left alone in the garden.
"Now kill the man" Mani then ends the call and puts his phone away.
"No" says a shocked Ruth "No what are you doing I told you what you wanted to know. Please."
On the screen a man points a gun at the back of George's head and fires. George falls to the floor dead.
"NO OH GOD!" screams Ruth as her shouts and screams become incoherent and hysterical. They resonate off the walls of the empty old room and right into my soul.
Mani drags the chair with the laptop closer so it sits right in front of Ruth, the screen filled with the still image of her husband dead on the ground.
"This is all your fault Harry" Mani shouts at me "If you played by the rules then none of this would have happened."
"If I played by the rules the uranium would already be in the hands of terrorists" I shout back incensed, anger has all but consumed me now.
"OK let's see how far your duty will go" sneers Mani
Ruth is still crying uncontrollable, rocking back on her chair and it pains me to see her like this. Mani then kneels back down to Ruth and quietly talks to her as she continues to cry.
"You were right, you told the truth for which I commend you. But we've already looked in that place that you said. Now Harry will have to do a whole lot better or the boy will meet the same fate."
The rage inside me strikes out as I kick the chair that the laptop was resting on hoping hit Mani but settling for crashing the laptop across the room, blocking out the horrible image.
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream...
Mani paces the room as Ruth stares at me. It all rests with me now. Can I tell Mani in the hope that the team back on the grid will locate him before he gets there? Or will I have to sacrifice Ruth's child?
"One..."
It's now. There's no turning back even if...
"Two..." even if it means risking the one good thing in my life.
"You'd kill a child?" I ask
"Of course I would. Children are the first casualties of every conflict....Three"
"Harry..." Ruth says imploringly.
"Four...he doesn't know his father's dead yet of course....we'll bury them together though" says Mani tauntingly
"Harry!"
"I can't" I say firmly.
"Please" she begs.
"Five..."
"The uranium could be used to build a dirty bomb" I explain to Ruth "It could kill thousands of children."
"But I only see mine in front of me" cries Ruth. Another laptop has been brought in and now on the screen the small boy is seen playing happily in the garden. I see Ruth's heart breaking in front of me. But I can't give in, too much depends on my silence.
"I can't tell him" I whisper, pleading with Ruth to understand.
"Listen to her Harry. Listen to the voice of compassion."
"You know nothing about compassion" I spit out bitterly.
He looks at me then pulls out his phone.
"Six...seven, eight, nine" he says on the point of speaking into the phone.
"Please don't kill him" cries Ruth. She then turns to me. "If you have any feelings at all, if you have any feelings for me..."
What can I do? Oh Ruth if you only knew how hard this was for me, to see you suffer...but I can't. I simply cannot let him get a hold of the uranium. Our lives are nothing compared to the thousands he might destroy. I know in my heart though that I expect too much of her, as I have with everyone...and that is why I will lose her.
"Ten..." says Mani into his phone staring at me.
"HARRY!"
"Alright..."Mani begins to say into his phone.
"Stop!" I hear myself shout.
Mani ends the call and walks over to me triumphantly. "Good"
"Listen to me Mani, I won't tell you. And if I won't tell you now then killing the child is totally pointless. What would you have then, a dead child and no uranium."
Ruth stares at me like she doesn't recognise me "You heartless bastard."
Mani turns away frustrated and I can tell that for once I have him in a corner. "You're calling my bluff."
"No" I reply "I'm making a cold statement of fact. If you kill the child it will be for gratification and not for any purpose. Because I won't tell you if you do or if you don't. Come on Mani, you're an intelligence officer you know when a man is bluffing."
For what feels like an eternity we stare each other down, Mani weighing my words. Eventually he says
"Alright, we'll see how strongly your will holds out when the child is in the room with us. A child in pain is a very distressing sight."
I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
Staring out of the broken window Mani has his back to us but I can sense something has gone wrong. The net is closing in around him and the team must be on its way. But far from feeling safer panic is rising within me. Men like Mani are at their most dangerous when backed into a corner.
"McCall has been detained by your officers" he says almost wistfully "They'll be downstairs cutting a deal and I'll be the fall guy."
"Stop this now" I beg "It doesn't need to be that way, we can do a deal too."
"I'm a dead man walking. So I might as well finish what it was that I was going to do at the end of this anyway."
He moves away from the window and walks towards Ruth. I see the glint of metal slide from his sleeve into his hand and I try to move but strong arms from behind me pin me to my chair. I can only watch in horror as Mani moves and raises his arm to strike at Ruth from behind. I can't stop him, I can't....please
You are the only exception, you are the only exception, you are....
Ruth screams as she realises too late what is going to happen, she shrinks from him as Mani's arm moves inexorably closer. With a crash someone races into the room and fires two shots and then Mani falls to the floor. At the end of the room I register Lucas with his gun raised and Ros right behind him but all I can really see is fragile, broken Ruth in front of me.
She will never forgive me for what happened here today. The tiny speck of love she may have had for me will vanish and turn to hate. She will never forgive me. Never.
You are the only exception. My heart is yours.