It's All Relative
an Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: The Gromble is a very intriguing character. We've had some glimpses into his life outside the Academy (Mother, May I?, Oblina And The 3 Humans, and Baby It's You) all of which introduced a relative, one at a time. Here he's being subjected to a visit from all of them including both parents and his previously un-named sister, an off-screen monster during the series. Remember, when the Gromble ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
The Gromble had just finished his final review of the tasks he wanted to go over with his class that day. He knew that some of them were chaffing at the idea of doing nothing but written assignments, but he didn't relish sending them out on scares during a severe rainstorm. Not that laying down the law ever stopped the more determined students from bringing about their own suffering. The Gromble, for all he enjoyed punishing miscreants did NOT go out of his way to harm his students. He just wished more of them could understand the difference between practicality and running a police state (if that stupid "Rain is sunshine. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. You must love the Gromble's rules. It is not enough to obey them, you must love them!" cartoon Ickis had drawn was anything to go by.)
Still, the Gromble believed himself to have everything well in claw, until he spotted his entire family standing outside his office door, dressed in raincoats assembled from trash bags.
"Gromby!" his mother, Mawli, immediately ran up to him and embraced him. "You're slouching dear. I warned you those shoes weren't good for your posture."
"And they are a violation of dress code. They would drum you right out of the Army for that." his father, Thromble, asserted.
"The Army scares me." whispered Chomble, his eldest nephew.
"Don't be frightened by any society that tries to push you around. Push them back instead!" urged Chomble's more forceful parent, Frawli. Her younger bonsty, Bomble, howled in response.
"I'm not here to judge society. I'm just looking for good snacks and maybe a soft place to sit." admitted Frawli's second husband, Girbab.
The Gromble groaned. "It's not that I don't appreciate this completely UNEXPECTED visit, but it -is- a school day, and I have a class to teach." the Gromble pointed out as he freed himself from Mawli's hug.
"That's why we're here. I heard such glowing praise from your mother, I decided to take a look at this Academy for myself." Thromble announced. "I bet you're still too soft on the students."
Frawli shrugged. "There was a leak in our roof, so I just shoved a pot under it, and told myself I'll take the family on a trip until the problem solves itself. It was either come here, or scare the humans at Wacky World." she declared.
"Wacky World is always worth a look." the Gromble suggested tentatively.
"Maybe we'll all go there together after we've seen my bitty boo-boo bonsty demonstrate how horribly horrendous he can be." Mawli pinched the Gromble's cheek. "Icky picky putrid!" she sang out.
"You're spoiling him again, Mawli dearest. Gromby's a tough terrorizer, ain'tcha boy? Give us a howl!" Thromble insisted.
"Awoogah. Awoogah." the Gromble responded flatly. "Okay, howling's done. Time for class!"
"Great. Should be very impressive, unless you've been slacking." Thromble quickly determined.
"Gromby wouldn't do that. He's always been so studious, yes he is!" Mawli complimented him in the most annoying way possible.
"I don't think I wanna study. It sounds a little spooky." Chomble confessed.
"That's what makes it so wonderful!" Frawli told him. "You watch, Uncle Gromby will definitely inspire you to greatness!"
It was hard to resist such a build-up. The Gromble marched to class, teaching bone held proudly, as his relatives trotted along behind him.
Oblina, Ickis, and Krumm waited with the rest of the students for the Gromble to arrive.
"You owe me 5 toenails, I actually beat the Gromble to class for a change." Ickis claimed proudly.
"I don't owe you anything. That was never an official bet." argued Oblina.
"C'mon, you can spare it!" Ickis whined.
"How about I spare you a lecture for what you did yesterday?" Oblina offered.
Ickis considered this. "Which lecture I am missing out on, the 'no disrepecting the teacher' one, or the 'rules are made for a reason' speech?" he asked.
"I'd go with the 'rules' one, it's longer and you're more likely to deserve the 'respectful' lecture again, after what you've planned for the day." suggested Krumm.
"Icky, what have you done now?" Oblina wanted to know.
Ickis grinned impishly. "New concept sketches for 'Grumpy Gromble'. Here's one of him as Emperor HaveToHateYou." he took a piece of paper out from inside his Monster Manual and revealed it to her.
Oblina's lips quivered from the effort to control her laughter. "2 separate lectures on disrespect today, and you're going to hear them both." she managed to state before the Gromble arrived.
"Good morning class. I want you all on your best behavior- Master Ickis you're being warned especially- because my family is here to sit in on today's lessons. Now we all know there will be no Viewfinder presentations since every student was ORDERED to stay indoors yesterday and nobody would be so STUPID as to go against my wishes." the Gromble began.
"That's it Gromby. Keep them in line. You can't give bonstys an inchworm, or they'll eat every insect in sight. That boy over there, seems like a real discipline problem to me. You let him come to class looking like that?" Thromble jabbed his claw at Ickis. "Those ears are a nuisance that block the view of other monsters. You oughtta tie them down, I knew a General back in the 1860's what always kept HIS ears pulled down."
"Dad told me that caused Granpa a great deal of pain." Ickis noted, with a sniff.
"And what are you sniffling for? You some of kind of cowardly human?" Thromble insinuated.
The Gromble eyed Ickis suspiciously. "I'm not entirely convinced he -can- help it. Is there something you wish to tell the class about what you did last night?" inquired the Gromble.
"Er, I'd rather you didn't know." Ickis conceded.
"Don't be so sure I don't already have it figured out." the Gromble replied. "We've got plenty of work to do today. Everyone, open your Manuals to page 307, where we begin the discussion on incorporating terrain to your advantage. The first paragraph details how you can use a woodland area to further increase the fright levels in humans. A variety of methods are discussed, such as the snapping of twigs and using animal mimicry to spook superstitious campers."
"You can't want those scraggly screechers to go scaring in the woods, it's much too dangerous." protested Mawli. "That poor floppy-eared one could be mistaken for a rabbit."
"That's pretty much a given, wherever he goes." asserted the Gromble. Ickis hung his head in shame.
"Forest-based scares never work out." Frawli interjected. "Didn't you used to complain how one of your students was lulled into a false sense of security while scaring out there? You know the one I'm talking about, Eldorado or whatever, the monster behind the Bigfoot legend. He always struck ME as being too dumb to live."
"Another reckless idiot. I do seem to run into more than my fair share of those kind of monsters." the Gromble reluctantly admitted.
"That's what happens when you lower your standards." Thromble proclaimed.
"Maybe the work was just too hard." suggested Mawli. "Have you tried going back to the basics? The students might do better if they practiced on easier targets. They can scare their own shadows, you used to ADORE doing that."
"Mama, please. Now isn't the best time..." the Gromble began.
"He could start grading on a curve." Girbab offered. "Just give 10% of the students A's, 20% will get B's, and the rest receive C's. It's fast and it's fair, you don't even have to do any work to correct them if you divide them randomly."
The Gromble stared at his brother-in-law. "Random? What does being random teach anyone?" he questioned.
"Ooh, I just thought of something! Now that my cousin has married into the Gromble's family, does that mean I get special privileges?" wondered Urbab, who although simple-minded, was generally one of the more unobtrusive monsters.
"You're special enough." snapped the Gromble.
"Sometimes we call it being 'scarilectually challenged'." added Snav. "But mostly we say that so we can insult Ickis without feeling guilty about it."
"Do you wanna be the punchline in the next cartoon?" Ickis snarled. "Because I can make that happen!"
"Will you sign it?" asked Snav. "I was thinking of starting an autograph book, to go with the photo collection. I'd allow D-List Celebrities to give me their signatures, the photos require a higher standard."
"How about I sign off on a probationary report, sending Ickis to the Snorch?" the Gromble threatened. "Because I -will- make THAT happen!"
Ickis sniffed angrily. "I didn't even START this argument. You're lashing out at me because you resent the way your family is interfering with your plans. It's sad when monsters do that." Ickis pointed out.
"That's it, you've just lost any participation points you had accrued for the day. And there's an extra written assignment for you Master Ickis on why Psychoanalysis Should Not Be Practiced By Pint-Sized Amateurs. You can do that after your Snorching, but before you check that there's enough grout forming in the drainage systems. You like the outdoors, don't you?" sneered the Gromble.
"As soon as I've formed a response that -doesn't- implicate me in any past illicit activities, I'll let you know, sir." Ickis carefully replied.
"I'll clear a space on my calendar, for the day before graduation. Not that there's any guarantee you'll be participating in that joyous occasion." the Gromble allowed.
"That's my boy. If you kick them when they're down they'll think twice before speaking out again!" Thromble announced with pride.
"Just remember to give them plenty of affection afterwards! They're all so oogly-boogly bonsty boo-boos, just like you used to be!" cooed Mawli. Bomble howled at the top of his lungs.
"Why is being bonsty-ish so great, Uncle Gromby? All bonstys have in common with you is that they're also loud." Chomble informed him.
"You say that like being LOUD is a bad thing. How else will I get it through their THICK SKULLS that work is more important than GOOFING AROUND on a sports field?" the Gromble demanded.
"I like fields of plants, when they're waiting for a harvest. I think I might want to be a mold farmer one day. It's nice an' quiet." Chomble professed.
His mother, Frawli, began walking back-and-forth bouncing Bomble on her lap to quiet him down. "Bomble's so excited to be among the bigger boys today. Look Bomble, do you see the Manuals the others are reading? Oh, and what's this? One of the students has something INSIDE his manual. Can we see the paper, little monster who is slightly bigger than my bonsty but not by a significant amount?" Frawli asked Ickis.
Ickis' eyes darted back and forth wildly. "I don't think I can do that. I've, um, lost the ability to move my arms? Yes, they are frozen in shock. I think I'll just pick up the Manual with my fangs and go to the Snorch. He can probly pound some feeling back into them during my scheduled punishment." lied Ickis.
Frawli snatched the book anyway, pulled out the paper, and studied the image of her brother dressed in an Emperor's uniform, against a rising sun background. "Ha ha ha! Are you an artist? My first husband was one of those! Of course, he DID run off to join that all-male monster community, what a disappointment." Frawli scowled at the memory.
"I think we're playing for different teams." Ickis insisted.
"Oh, sewerball is such a wholesome activity. Why don't you let the class play it more often, Gromby?" asked Frawli as she regained her typical high spirits.
"It's been raining for the past 2 days! Do you think I want that little idiot running around outside, chasing tomatos?" the Gromble stated testily.
"I sneaked in some practice yesterday afternoon. He'd never catch me." Ickis whispered hoarsely, as he wiped his nose.
"Good for you." Frawli noted.
Oblina frowned. "Please don't encourage him. It happens so seldom, but it always goes to his head." she observed sadly.
"I bet I become the most valuable player." Ickis quietly predicted.
"I bet I chain you up tonight. Krumm and I still have the anti-sleepwalking ropes." insisted Oblina.
"I'll loom through them." Ickis threatened.
"We need a new plan." Krumm commented. The belch rang, and the Gromble was never happier to hear it.
"Class dismissed." the Gromble made his weary announcement.
"I think that went well." Mawli assured him once his relatives had all gathered in his office again.
"I know I'm learning alot." Thromble frowned as he examined his son's surroundings. "Just how many of these shoes do you have?"
"Hmm, I don't believe I've ever counted them, as far as you know. They are in all likelihood a part of the standard Headmaster's teaching uniform." bluffed the Gromble.
"Formal attire sure has changed since my Academy days." Thromble acknowledged. "But at least you run a tight watch!"
"Uncle Gromby doesn't wear a watch, he wears a tight belt." Chomble insisted. "See, he has it on the very last notch available. That means it's ALMOST too small for him."
"Chomble, thank you for demonstrating your keen powers of observation." the Gromble testily replied. "But we don't usually tell adults what we think of their fashion choices."
"I didn't realize it was a choice. I thought it was a consequence from all the deep-fried fire ants you eat, an' the sludge smoothies, an' the styrofoam packing peanuts..." Chomble began listing off most of the Gromble's favorite fatty snacks.
"Good point, Chomble. Maybe you need to include a nutrition class, Gromby. You always DID have a weakness for sweets." recalled Frawli.
"But mom, wouldn't someone have to teach it to him, first?" asked Chomble. His brother Bomble began to cry again.
"It's not the diet, it's a lack of exercise." argued Thromble. "You sent that one student out to do a chore for you, Gromby. Is that a regular occurrence?"
"I won't consider anything Master Ickis does to be regular." the Gromble put forth.
"Sometimes I worry the students have too many regulations. Have you considered issuing a Free Activity Day once a week? I bet they'd enjoy that!" Mawli ventured.
"They have plenty of issues." the Gromble complained.
"You know what I think there ought to be plenty of? Comfy chairs where the students can lounge around after a hard day's fright." Girbab suggested.
"Oblina is our only hard worker. The rest are hardly working." the Gromble snapped.
"That's why you relate to them so easily." Thromble noted. "But you can't always build a rapport with young bonstys, sometimes you have to break them down."
"I thought that one kid looked like he was gonna break down." Chomble offered. "The bunny monster? When class ended his friends were even telling him he was never gonna last through all the punishments Uncle Gromby piled on him."
The Gromble frowned. "Would you excuse me? I have to patrol the grounds, make sure they haven't um, stopped being grounded. Yes, that's been known to happen every couple centuries, no one knows how, one of life's great mysteries. I'll be off then, continue your FASCINATING discussions amongst yourselves, please." he smiled sincerely for a few moments, then ran down the hall without bothering to look back.
The Gromble didn't see Ickis in the halls, although admittedly he wasn't looking very hard after the sweet euphoria from avoiding his family set in. They were all wonderful monsters, when they weren't talking to him, or about him, or about his Academy. Yes, if he could rip the lips off every last one of them, they'd be perfectly enjoyable companions. Perhaps he should ask the Snorch to demonstrate proper communication skills to his relatives. Or maybe he could find a book in the library about sign language. There were several claw gestures he'd like to show them. At least the Gromble would have a few moments peace in the library. The room was largely deserted, although he spotted a mud-streaked Master Ickis slumped over a desk, halfway between reading and dozing off. At this point, the Gromble didn't even care that the younger monster had a comic book shoved between the pages of his Monster Manual.
"Master Ickis!" he hissed.
Ickis snapped awake. "The 2nd law of inverse scaring potential is equivalent to the decibel of the humans screams divided by the duration of vocalization in direct proportion to the monster's intimidation factor!" he declared loudly.
"No talking in the library." Nesdak gently reminded. She nodded at the Gromble. "Hello, sir. Have a putrid day."
The Gromble smiled slightly as he watched her go back to shelving the latest volumes. "Master Ickis, I'm not here to quiz you. I just needed someone, anyone, to discuss a personal matter with me. My relatives WON'T leave me alone. They're always bothering me with suggestions on how I ought to run my OWN Academy, and it's driving me insane! Do you have any idea how annoying it is to be surrounded by meddlesome family members?" he whined.
"No. I'm sure it's juuust dreadful, sir." Ickis sarcastically responded.
The Gromble scowled. "I need a more sympathetic monster to hear my complaints. Where's Oblina?" he asked.
"Probly trying to get Dr. Kott to give me a checkup." Ickis sighed. "I'm not going to see him. I'll accept a mug of unleaded crude oil from Oblina, an' that's it. Unless you're planning a test tomorrow, then I'm too far gone!" Ickis coughed pointedly.
"There are NO tests. I haven't had time to write any." the Gromble groused.
"Alright, then my fur is of a definitively redder shade than it may appear to your discerning eyes." Ickis noted. He yawned and gathered up his belongings. "Wake me when it's time for class."
The Gromble's eyes narrowed. "Just keep quiet and try not to breathe on anyone." he snapped.
Ickis coughed and clapped his paws over his mouth, although he may have been trying to cover up a statement that resembled "Hypochondriac." The Gromble wasn't in the mood to press him for details.
The Gromble waited outside the library for Oblina to show up. If Ickis' theory about her actions proved correct, she would need to travel down this hallway on her way to the dorm. Ordinarily he didn't put much faith in what Master Ickis believed to be reality, but the lad did seem to have a good understanding about Oblina's motivations. Well, he s'posed if you spent enough time squishing on someone you were bound to zero in on a few habits. In another 40 seconds he would hear the sound of Nesdak turning off the light switch, then she would utter some exclamation as she smacked into her desk, then she would apologize for her loud outburst, then she would lock up, and finally tell whoever she passed to enjoy their skanky evening.
"Ouch! That darn desk of mine. Oh dear, I should remember to be quieter around here." Nesdak murmured. "I need to be a role-model for the students. They all have so much to offer the Academy!" she opened the door and nearly stumbled into the Gromble while she was trying to secure the lock.
"Allow me." he offered gallantly, as he twisted the key for her.
Nesdak beamed. "Thank you, sir. I hope you enjoy yourself on this skanky evening." she declared happily.
"I'm enjoying it more already." the Gromble promised her. He might have followed after Nesdak and flirted a bit more if he hadn't noticed Oblina walking down the halls.
"Hello your Grombleness. You haven't seen Ickis anywhere, have you? I would have thought he'd go to the infirmary after completing his assignments, or at the very least lie down in the dorm! But nooo, that would require Ickis to learn from past experience, so of course that rules out any sensible options. One of these days he's going to run himself ragged and I will NOT be there to hold his paw and tell him 'I told you so!'" she steadfastly avowed.
"Oh I'm certain you will." the Gromble muttered. "Oblina, I need your advice. My family are going completely overboard in their assessments of MY teaching strategies. I need you to help me get them off my back." he informed her.
"You cannot change the way your family behaves. The most you can do is tell them that you will persist in acting in a manner that most suits you, and hope they understand. Also, if anyone presents you with an anthraxichord, you should remove all the strings, smash it with a hammer, and ask your butler to help you bury the pieces." Oblina opined.
The Gromble stared at her. "Even when you go off on a tangent, you still express yourself with more eloquence and insight than everyone around you. Well done Oblina." he observed.
The Gromble stifled a yawn. He'd been busy late last night, plotting how to resolve his dilemma. It helped that his extended family snored so loudly they never heard him writing at his desk or flipping through travel books, or re-packing several suitcases.
"What's on the lesson plan today, son? Gonna finally mold the scum-suckers into something useful?" Thromble asked.
"They're already well on their way." the Gromble insisted. "I'm running the class EXACTLY the way I would if none of you were visiting, which you WON'T be doing tomorrow because the weather is s'posed to clear up. I've already bought all your tickets home. You can reimburse me later or not, it's no longer something I'm concerning myself with. All I care about is that these little monsters get the education they deserve. Today's lesson will feature several lectures on stealth and the importance of keeping your guard up in an unfamiliar environment. We'll follow that up with some pertinent, historical reels on the Viewfinder and then I want these wriggling worms to write me an 800-word essay on how they can capitalize on such strategies during their next scares. And while we're on the subject of vocal distractions, Master Ickis, if I hear the slightest sniffle from you, not only I am sending you back to the dorm, I'm contacting your father to explain IN DETAIL how many times you've broken curfew this semester and the adverse effects such violations have had on your well-being. You'll have all day to formulate your defense, and telling him 'I like Sewerball' is -not- going to cut it." the Gromble threatened.
Ickis cleared his throat. "What if I told Dad 'I like Sewerball alot'? Is that better?" he asked nervously.
"Five points off your total score for the day, Master Ickis. Try to hang on to the remaining 95%, you could certainly use them." declared the Gromble.
Oblina smirked. "Far be it from me to lecture you, Ickis, but if you HAD listened to me you would not be in this predicament." she informed him.
"And you wonder -why- I hate school?" Ickis quipped.
Thromble frowned. He wasn't terribly interested in the personal problems of the Gromble's class, but he WAS very annoyed at the way his son was behaving. "Are you standing up to me, Gromble?" he demanded.
"Absolutely. The students need to learn that it's perfectly within their rights to argue with a parent whenever he's in the wrong. Parents are not infallible, after all." the Gromble paused. "This is not a lesson for you, Master Ickis. Your father, the Great Slickis, is actually intelligent and capable of wise decisions. Don't mistake quietude with not having anything of value to say. The second one is more true of YOUR role in society."
"Now you're just asking for a whole 'nother volume of 'Grumpy Gromble' comics to be created." Ickis sulked.
"As long as you do it on your own time, AFTER finishing your schoolwork, and never bother to show it to me, I won't hold it against you." the Gromble acknowledged. "The instant I see that offensive drivel, any clemency I might have granted you disappears."
"You're gonna autograph my copy, right? I've never missed an issue." Krumm claimed.
"He really autographs yours? That's not fair Icky, you've never signed mine!" Oblina protested.
Ickis coughed. "I woulda, but most days you pretend you haven't even read them." he countered.
"Final warning! Class begins NOW!" the Gromble hollered. "Now can anyone besides Oblina tell me, how many different camoflauge methods are recognized by the monster registrar for professional scarers? You must realize that even when monsters are relegated into a single classification, numerous sub-divisions still occur. So, how many methods are there? Anyone? ANYONE?"
~~~The End.
Author's Note: Ickis is NOT a big fan of schoolwork, but he's also one of those crazy kids who won't sit still when he's unwell, although he brings much of it on himself, as Oblina would readily tell him. The boy did attempt to attend class while he was belching fire in the 2nd season. That's why all of his absences are unexcused, such as when he spends a day turning-back-time and generally wreaking havoc because he can, or when he pals around with Plastoog, Pugh, Chemira's robber gang, and even humans like Mr. Robinson, despite all those events being blatant violations of school policy. The Gromble seriously can't decide whether he finds Ickis the most annoying monster in the universe, or whether his own family is more irritating (only when they try running the Academy. All the other times, he loves and cherishes them. But he is a proud Headmaster, and in complete charge of his scholastic empire. The Gromble is watching you!) Reviews are encouraged.