A/N: This story takes place a few months after 5x10 but it doesn't follow the 5x11 canon of Holly taking a job in San Francisco. This idea hit me after 5x10 aired and I decided to stick with it.
"It's starting to get heavy
It's starting to get hard
I had a list of hopes and dreams
But they don't keep me where you are"
June
It wasn't that she didn't want to go. She wanted to go. She was sure she needed to go. It was an exciting once-in-a-lifetime opportunity she would be stupid to turn down that came along at exactly the right time. Well, the last part is debatable. Is there ever really a right time?
She smiled nervously as the security guard looked at her passport and back up to her face. His scowl didn't exude approval and Holly couldn't help but smile even wider as her palms began to sweat. She couldn't stop herself from worrying that he could see right through her, that he was questioning her very reasons for getting on this plane. She also really didn't want to be pulled out of line, because the one time it happened before she started sweating profusely and nearly cried. She kept her mouth closed though; she was not running. Holly Stewart does not run from things. Finally the scowling guard tucked her boarding pass into her passport and handed it back to her without a word, nodding behind him, indicating that she could continue on towards the scanners.
It wasn't until she was sitting in one of those pleather airport chairs by her gate, casually gazing out at the planes slowly rolling past, that it really hit her. What she was doing that is. She was leaving. She was moving somewhere completely foreign to her. And she was doing it alone. She wasn't taking anyone with her. Holly didn't know anyone where she was going. And that was a little scary. A new city. A new country. A new continent. New driving laws.
She had never been too great at the whole small talk thing; making friends didn't come easily to her, it took energy and strength but some people seemed to do it so effortlessly. She would miss Rachel, with her comforting smile and easy going nature. Rachel was the kind of friend you could count on for a hug when you didn't even need one, and fifteen when you did. Holly would miss Lisa too. She wasn't as warm and she wasn't as gentle, but Lisa was a fierce friend and Holly thought that it just might be Lisa's fierceness she would really need shortly.
Maybe though, just maybe, she wouldn't miss Gail as much as she already did. She couldn't hope Gail would round the corner into her lab when she was on another continent. She couldn't worry about what conversation she might try to make. She wouldn't have to see Gail's apologetic but strangely hopeful eyes. Maybe Holly wouldn't miss Gail as much if she wasn't lurking, so very real but just out of reach. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. They say time heals all wounds, but maybe distance would help too.
Maybe she needed to be alone. All alone. No matter how much it scared her, no matter how much she wished Gail, or really anyone familiar, was by her side.
Eleven Days Ago
"Well, if you want, I could put like a nanny cam in the kitchen for you, so she doesn't burn the place down," Lisa swung her legs from side to side as she flipped the page in her magazine. She was lying down on Holly's bed 'helping' her pack. Rachel was actually helping.
"She's not going to burn the place down," Holly rolled her eyes and continued packing the contents of her jewelry box into the bubble wrap sleeves. "She's perfectly capable of not burning my place down. Plus, mom and dad said they'd check on her every once in a while."
"I'm just saying, if you want, I could be a very forgetful friend who just keeps blanking on the fact that you're in London until I'm at your front door with a very full bladder."
Rachel's laugh bellowed out into the bedroom from the closet.
"I'll keep that in mind," Holly conceded with a shake of her head. She trusted her sister. She was quite certain that Summer would make a mess but it was way better than renting to strangers, and Holly really didn't want to sell her townhouse. She loved the location, she loved her neighbors, and she loved the interior. She flat out wanted to live here when she got home, so selling it, and then finding a new place before coming back would be a nightmare on top of the fact that she didn't want to move.
"I wish I had a sister who let me live in her townhouse for a year right after I graduated university," Rachel emerged from the closet carrying hangers full of shirts. "Fold these," she told Lisa, dropping the hangers on the bed next to her before returning to the closet.
Lisa pushed her magazine aside begrudgingly but sat up and grabbed a hanger to start folding up the shirts. "Seriously though," she agreed with Rachel, "I mean, is she even paying rent? Talk about killer deal."
"Being the oldest sucks sometimes," Holly laughed as she shut her now empty jewelry box. "I mean, she's paying all the utilities and stuff." Holly turned away from her mirror and placed her hands on her hips while she pondered what to do next. "And I don't have to worry about a stranger being in my house, or about leaving it empty."
Holly pulled open a dresser drawer. She wasn't leaving for another week and half so there were still a lot of clothes she wasn't ready to pack up. She shut the drawer full of summer shorts and tee shirts and yanked open the one full of thick winter sweaters. Holly definitely wouldn't be needing those in the next couple of weeks.
"Okay, I'm going to ask you something and you might hate me for it, but I'm going to ask anyways."
Rachel popped her head out of the closet to scold Lisa with her eyes but Lisa ignored her.
"Okayyy..." Holly agreed tentatively. She knew there was no arguing with Lisa so she might as well not protest.
"Are you going because of Gail?"
"She's going because she'd be stupid not to!" Rachel called sternly from the closet before popping her head out again. "Really Hol, this is really amazing, you deserve it. Amazing, not surprising though."
Holly offered Rachel a grateful smile and a "thanks," before turning towards Lisa, "no, I'm not going because of Gail. I applied at the end of last summer, we hadn't even met."
"Would you be going if you were still together?"
Rachel tried sending Lisa looks to shut up already, but Lisa trudged on. Holly noticed Rachel tensing, and the glares, but she was really no match for Lisa, not when she got ahold of something.
"I don't know? It depends and that's what I'm tired of," Holly huffed, leaning back onto her dresser. She figured she might as well just answer truthfully and get this line of questioning over with. It's not like it wasn't valid, and maybe just talking about it once would help her move on. "I'm tired of wondering 'what if.' We both agreed we couldn't try to restart our relationship while Gail was going through that process. It wouldn't have been fair to anyone. But I can't help wondering 'what if Sophie's mom hadn't died?' or 'what if I hadn't denied how I felt for so long?' or 'what if this had all happened in a year?'"
Holly's fingers worried on the wool sweater as she stared down at the blue sleeve in her hand. "I think I just need to get away from it all for a while, because I just keep dwelling on 'what if's.' I spend my day at work hoping I'll see her, while also wanting to hide in one of the body freezers on the off chance she might walk through the door. I mean, we're 'friends' now, but it's hard."
Rachel shot Lisa a chastising glare, now look what you've done. Holly's demeanor had taken a sharp dive past sad.
"We should probably just Scotch Guard all your clothes before the pizza gets here," Lisa held up a white silk blouse, scrutinizing it carefully. "Does it ever stop raining there? We don't want you accidentally finding yourself in an impromptu sidewalk wet tee shirt contest on your way to work."
Holly couldn't help but burst out laughing as Lisa wagged her eyebrows, shaking the hanger, causing the blouse to swim in the air.
"I still can't believe you're leaving me with her," Lisa motioned with the blouse to the closet, "for a whole year."
"Hey!" Rachel popped her head out again, "if anyone is being left with someone else, I'm being left here with you."
Three Weeks Ago
Holly knocked on the door, barely loud enough to be heard even by her. She glanced up to the brass numbers again, checking that she had the right door for a fifth time. She shook her head, steeled her expression and knocked again, harder this time, hard enough for her to actually be heard. She was able to hear the soft padding of feet stop behind the door followed by a long pause before she could hear locks unlocking.
"Hey," question leaked into the edges of Gail's voice as she yanked the door open swiftly. "Uh, come in," she added quickly, not wanting Holly to think she was unwelcome. What was Holly doing here? They were friends. That's what they had decided. There were no hard feelings. That's what they had repeated. Because there weren't. Not between them at least. Holly had cursed the people who shot Sophie's mom a few more times than usual. Gail had kicked herself for not answering Holly's calls after that night at the Penny so many times that her backside was thoroughly black and blue.
The unstated question hung in the air because although they were 'friends' they didn't really hangout. Not yet. They both feared it would be too hard almost as much as they feared actually voicing that concern.
"Is this an okay time?" Holly's voice faltered and her eyes darted around the living room. She had never been here before, to Gail's new place. To Gail's new two-bedroom place. "I-I can come back another time," she offered, all the sudden even more nervous after coming face to face with Gail's new home. It was a home that didn't involve her at all, one that she had never been invited to, and now she was showing up unannounced. She had wanted to tell Gail in person, and she didn't want to ambush her at work, but now Holly was sure that she should have at least called first. Holly hooked her thumb over her shoulder awkwardly, showing her commitment to leaving if Gail preferred. She was halfway to just walking out the door.
"No-no, it's fine. It's good," Gail stepped around Holly to close the door, "I was just reading." Her words trailed off at the end of her sentence and Holly's eyes wandered over to the couch where a book lay spread eagle, saving Gail's page. Holly didn't let her eyes linger long but she could see it was about adoption.
"Sorry I didn't call first, I should ha-"
"Holly shut up," Gail couldn't help but smirk as she shoved her hands into her back pockets. "What's goin' on?"
"Um...I wanted to tell you in person, I wanted to tell you myself. I didn't want you to hear it around the station or from your mom-"
"Maybe you should sit down."
Gail nodded toward the living area before leading the way and taking a seat in an armchair across from the couch. So this was it. Holly was seeing someone else. She was dating again. They were friends, and they were also exes, and they worked sort of together sometimes, and Holly wanted to tell her in person because Holly is polite. Holly can be awkward, and weird, and nerdy, and Holly can babble but Holly is polite.
Holly followed, tucking herself into the couch across from Gail, tight next to the armrest.
Gail flipped her feet under her thighs while she waited for Holly to continue.
Holly figured she better just get it out before she puked all over Gail's new apartment, all over her new couch, all over her book about adoption. "I um, I'm going to England, for-for a year." Holly's hands stilled and she chanced a look up at Gail, eyes full of worry and apprehension.
"Wow."
That was all Gail could say. That was all Gail could think. Wow.
She didn't know if she was relieved or even more anxious. Holly wasn't seeing someone else. But Holly was leaving. Holly was going to be living an ocean away. Holly wasn't asking her to come and Holly wasn't asking her approval because they weren't together anymore, because Gail fucked up, and Holly fucked up, and Gail fell in love with a little girl who needed a home, who needed her. So, Holly couldn't ask her either of those things.
"Well, it's more like eleven months really."
Holly felt the need to say something, inject more information into the silent void between them, and that was all she could think of that quickly.
"When-when are you going?"
It was all Gail could think to ask. It was the only thought zooming through her head that she could grab onto, and process, and repeat out loud.
"Um, I'm leaving the end of June," Holly pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose and forced herself to look Gail in the eye because Gail deserved at least that much. "I haven't exactly made all the arrangements yet. I only had ten days to decide and I accepted yesterday."
"Where in England are you going?"
Gail asked tentatively and slowly, checking her words as they dripped out of her mouth, still trying to comprehend the situation she found herself in.
"Oxford," Holly almost spoke it as a question, "it's a year long fellowship. I get to assist with some really cutting edge research and do some teaching at the medical school."
"That sounds really amazing, Holly."
"Yeah," Holly nodded, a sad smile breaking out across her face, "I'd almost forgotten about it," she said with a near laugh. "My boss practically forced me to apply last summer. I really didn't think I could get it, it's super competitive, I mean, surely Oxford can find someone more qualified than me-"
"Of course they couldn't," Gail butted in quickly. It was the most natural thing she had said since Holly showed up at her doorstep.
The smile that quickly took over Holly's face was one of pure and unadulterated gratitude. It swooped across her face with such ease you might think the awkwardness that had enveloped Holly's visit was an act, a shtick put on by two close friends, even though they had felt it in their bones and stomachs.
"Well, I don't know about that," Holly ducked her head, running a hand through her hair as her shy smile prevailed, "but thanks."
"Shut up Holly. You're a lot blinder than I thought if you really don't know how brilliant you are."
Holly chanced a look up at Gail and they just smiled, silently existing together for a handful of precious moments.
Gail suddenly jumped out of her chair and hurried over to the kitchen. Holly just let the compliment continue to roll over her. Gail certainly didn't give them out for free, they really couldn't be bought, only earned.
"I should be giving you a celebratory drink but I literally have nothing but water and juice, and an open bottle of wine I'm pretty sure's gone bad."
Gail's voice and the slamming of a cupboard door brought Holly out of her reprieve.
"No, really Gail it's fine, you don't have to give me anything."
Holly was up and out of her seat, following the sound of banging cabinets.
"Whatever, I want to."
Gail's words cut with an air of finality that Holly knew not to argue with.
"Ah ha!"
At Gail's victorious yelp Holly took a seat at the breakfast bar that separated the kitchen from the the otherwise open living room.
Gail threw four chocolate chip cookies onto a plate and then yanked the freezer open, pulling out a tub of vanilla ice cream. A minute later she was pushing the plate across the counter towards Holly, already holding one of the ice cream sandwiches in her hand.
"Cheers to you, Doctor Stewart," Gail was holding her treat out over the table.
"Thanks," Holly let a light laugh free as she brought her own sandwich up to 'clink' it with Gail's.
They ate in silence for a few minutes. It was how they ate most of the time, Gail having mostly a one-track mind when it came to food, especially dessert.
"Can I ask you something?" Gail spoke tentatively and shyly after she licked every remaining particle of cookie and every drip of ice cream off her fingers.
"Of course," Holly answered quickly before taking another bite.
"You never mentioned this before. How come?" Gail bit down on her lip and ducked her head a smidge, nervously awaiting Holly's answer.
Holly looked up from her ice cream but waited to speak until Gail tentatively met her eyes. "My boss practically forced me to apply at the end of last summer, before we met. Half of me thought there was no way I was going to get it, and the other half of me completely forgot about it. I didn't tell anyone. Not my parents, or my brother or sister. I didn't even tell Rachel or Lisa. I mean, when we were friends I wasn't going to tell you about something I was sure I wasn't going to get. And, when we were together, I had other things on my mind. And then we-we weren't."
"Okay," Gail nodded and smiled, clearly satisfied and a little relieved by Holly's answer.
Holly pivoted her book closed, leaving a finger between the pages as a temporary bookmark as she glanced down at her watch. She left Gail's apartment exactly three weeks ago.
It was six in the evening in Toronto. She had only been in the air for a half hour but Holly already felt so far from home. A 'ding' reverberated around the cabin as the seatbelt sign went dark. Everything she was feeling about the move, her new job, her new country, her new city, her new and complete aloneness, was only compounded by the weightlessness she always felt so high up in the air.
Holly looked out the window and was hit with a dramatic and definite sense of awe. All she could see were the clouds below her. She was far up in the plane, so far up that she couldn't see the wings behind her. She never flew first class, it was just a waste of money really, but Holly splurged, treated herself because, she felt, if she was going to do something that made her so nervous she might as well do it in comfort.
There was no sign out the window of the massive contraption that kept her cruising through the air. No sign of the huge engines or the wide wings. Sure, she knew and understood the science that kept her gliding above the world. But somehow, it almost seemed like it was magic that kept her up there, hurtling towards the new and the unknown.
When the flight attendants came round with the complementary champagne Holly didn't decline like she had planned to. Maybe Gail was right. Maybe Lisa and Rachel and her parents were right. Maybe there was reason to celebrate. Maybe, in the wake of a year that gave her head and her heart whiplash, she could still soar. Sure, she was but a passenger right now, but she was still flying, wasn't she? Maybe this was all just the gust of wind she needed, maybe Holly Stewart could fly on her own once again.
"It's starting to get heavy
It's starting to get hard
I had a list of hopes and dreams
But they don't keep me where you are"
- Lie or Lie Awake, Katie Herzig
A/N: So, each chapter will likely alternate between Toronto and England. I think I mostly want to focus on Holly during her year away, but we will definitely visit Gail (and 15 division) along the way too. Let me know what you guys think! I'm always eager to hear your thoughts and forever grateful to those of you who give my stuff a shot :)