My Dear Delphine,
I hope this missive reaches you quickly and finds you in good health. Please honor my apologies for the time passed since _I have been given my post at a hospital, after much groveling before Our Superintendent Miss Dix. I am not sure her skills in medicine match Dr. Blackwell's, but she is staunch,_ and able to talk over a good number of men, if not yours truly. I kid, as I knew to show competency and remain quiet, until I was able to save a patient from under the nose of a Respected Surgeon. It gave me great satisfaction and earned my place. I only hope _ send the poor fellow back to the front..
The hospital is in a hotel which must have been well-appointed before the war broke out. Sadly, the main hall is not _
in states most dire. Men are laid out on the floor with barely an inch betw_
clothes and bandages befouled, with the stench of human waste and putrescence. My spirits did fall, I must admit, but _ west wing, wherein Mrs. Hendrix, a protégé _, was in charge of admitted care, and found the rooms clean and wounds freshly bandaged as recommended by the Sanitary Commission. It seems she has not yet convinced the doctor _allow her to use methods of triage upon arrival. I hope that by lending my voice a_ we shall succeed in bringing order and compassion to _.
I have been given a cot in a room with the other nurses, and it is here that I write you _
I have found a young man returning North to carry it _
I have not yet found Our young men, but I will begin enquiring in the morning. I cannot _
I will stifle tears or grit my teeth in anger. The trouble those two have brought upon us all!
I do hope, however, that you are not too angry with me. Believe, my dear friend, that I wanted to stay in your company. I am afraid that due to my _ upbringing I do not know how not to leap into _ action. Perhaps it might be better if I had your patience and knack for quiet subterfuge, but then I think I might not entertain you so.
I shall write you soon again, and I hope you will reply in kind. I know I have caused _ agitation, but my heart and intentions are not of the priest or Levite, but the Samaritan that you aspire to follow every day. Please know that I think if you as I rest, and again as I wake, and my breast aches awful hollow not seeing your radiant face.
Yours,
Cosima
Dear Delphine,
Despite your scolding I was very happy to receive your letter. I am glad you understand_
_ in taking off after our incorrigible siblings. I believe at the age of fourteen I had more sense! Although perhaps my current undertaking may indicate that I have no more sense than them.
My station is about to change, so I must implore you _
that I do what I do only to rescue my Felix and your Laurent. I have learned that they _ a regiment further South, but even if I were to be accepted at the field hospital nearest, which would take time and petitions, finding _
as it is placed well at the rear. It was a fortunate chance that suggested my solution, as I encountered a very unusual person. Pvt. John Bostwick had been sent to our care _
case of dysentery. However, when I performed an examination, I found that "John" was not a man of war, but a member of the fairer sex! It appears our wise doctors "inspect" enlistees _ with little more than a glance at the teeth, and this impressive Mainer named Mae Cobb was able to _ by dressing in men's clothing. While "John" did have the flux, it was not dysentery, but blood from her menstruation that an officer noticed, and _ our care. I have, of course, sworn to her my secrecy, but it does _
what number of soldiers are smooth-faced due to factors other than youth. Do you think, if you dressed such, you might be in Harvard _ rather than the Woman's Medical College of Pennsylvania? I imagine your beauty would shine through _and you would be found out, even though you do not tend to get flustered as I do.
So it has been decided. "John" will help me assume a masculine disguise, so I may travel more freely. Fear not, for I will not enlist as a soldier. Rather, I will depict a courier boy, _ forge papers as necessary. I have been introduced to a scout, a former slave named Arthur, _ and has nobly returned to help the North, despite supreme danger of recapture. Do not worry, my dearest, as I shall take care and be under his tutelage. Therefore, from this day forward, please address me as "Jack Willow," for the tree under which we have oft had happy moments. Address mail to John Bostwick via New York 3rd _
arrange for mail to be brought to me, though it may be delayed. Nevertheless, I will attempt to update you regularly, and think of you with a fondness beyond measure.
Warmest regards,
Your Jack
My Sweet Delphine,
I understand when you say you feel torn about my endeavor. I know you don't want anyone hurt, but I could not help myself. You know how I get when I think something must be done. It is not that I am brave — I am not. It is that I refuse to let Felix and Laurent's lives and potential be wasted. As much as I support the Northern cause, you know I hate the Devil of War. Men could do so much to improve our human race, and yet they try to kill each other in terrible ways. I cannot let our brothers succumb to this glorified yet base instinct, and truly, what would we do without our beloved boys? They are made for finer things, I think, than sacrificing their light to prove their manhood.
Speaking of which, wearing trousers is a revelation, and I intend to _ now and then. I wonder what you would think of me in my hodgepodge uniform. You will miss my hair, as I have, although it is much easier to tend. I should wear a forage cap, but of course I have taken to a slouch hat, as it shields me from both sun and prying _would you find me handsome? Never worry, I shall not cease to wear skirts. After all, what greater pleasures have I had than under yours?
I have had some moments where I feared discovery or danger, but Arthur has been a Godsend to me and has rebuffed suspicion and_
feel much more sure that I will succeed now that I have his help. I still rage and wonder how it is that people can thin_ _less than human, when so many are intelligent, moral men of character.
My sincere thanks for the funds you provided. They _a horse and much needed kit. Above that, it thrills my heart to read the phrase "mon amour" in your lett_ almost hear it in your voice, spoken in the soft, low tones of secret pleasures into my ear. Perhaps that is one thing that makes being Jack worthwhile _ free to express your affections so sweetly. Surely my eagerness to return to you will help me to speedily accomplish my goal.
I must end here, for am headed out on the road in haste. Please send me letters _, and tell me more of how and what you are doing. I want to envision you, and imagine you are near,
Love,
Your Jack
Dearest Delphine,
I have made it to the field hospital with Arthur. The road got rougher as we went, and _ bedraggled figures and humble "ambulance" carts as we approached. We came to a camp well behind the lines _ with peddlers and "fancy ladies" who entertain the troops. It reminded me of my youth in "the wickedest town in the states," save the lack of pickaxes and wooden buildings. How grateful I will always_ and your father that you saved Felix and me from lives of whoring and thievery. Perhaps I would _
good earnings, but how could I be happy without having met you?
I cling to those happy memories, for the field hospital is a grim place, overcrowded, full of death and misery. Measles, dysentery and syphilis run rampant, while wounds bring rotting flesh. The doctor here is a real sawbones, even less informed than _
The "triage" practiced is to amputate wounded limbs immediately and give those with damaged vital organs up to God, save what meager palliatives _
an area devoted to corpses, which are removed irregularly, and great piles of severed limbs crawling with maggots. I hope you never have to see or smell the like of it. It made my heart and resolve quaver, and I barely sleep now despite being exhausted fro_
as nurse and steward. I try to dream of you when I do, but I fear my mind has become overwhelmed with horrors. _ wrong of me to now be glad that you may only train in women's afflictions? _do what I can. When we run out of Eau de Javel, I use tincture of iodine. When we run out of iodine, I secretly bind wounds with honey, which Art found in the woods. I may be seen by some as a mongrel, but I did benefit from having a grandmother _ native ways of healing. The doctor forbade me to do it, but I must. He is quite surprised when the health of some casualties improves as if by miracle. Thank goodness we have _ chloroform or whiskey to dull the patients' senses.
Part of me feels great guilt at leaving, _many whose suffering I might ease, but the thought of one of our boys being brought here, mortally wounded, bolsters my commitment_ Arthur and I have been collecting and treating the wounded in the fields_
finding them by their piteous cries in the night. The southerners have even worse care than ours, so I cannot leave _
Still, I plan to sneak toward _ for we have found evidence that our siblings may be in one of two units ahead. Please wish me luck and _
Reading about your daily labors is a welcome respite, as are _ imagine being with you. Please think of me, my love, and pray I rejoin you soon. In the meantime,
I keep your pin in my pocket.
Love beyond measure,
Your Jack
My Dearest Love,
I have seen the elephant. Truly, man has wrought a Hell on Earth. Approaching the lines the battered road is nearly paved with skeletons from previous combat, _ legacy of the minié ball? The crunch below wheels is awful. I wanted to cry and scream and run away, but I could not. My horse shied at first, but she, like I, seems to have dulled senses with repetition.
I have helped _in the fields as best I could. My best is not enough. I saw men on both sides fall today. I am not sure how many.
No luck in the first unit. Their musicians are even younger than our brothers. I see soldiers who cannot be older than 12 or 13. Madness. Yet they _ no less reasons than the grown men — love of country and home, sense of adventure. May God forgive us all and show His mercy. What will become of our world when those who survive mature?
The boom and smoke of artillery _ nearer, yet I still have hope that this also draws me to our foolish kin. Arthur has heard that youths meeting their descriptions are still alive. Pray for us, and pray keep your suitors at bay. I promise when I return we will have our marriage in friendship, a_. Thank God for the laissez-faire temperament of Papa Cormier.
Dear Heart — there is something I must confess. On that wretched journey I remembered the theories of Darwin, as defended by Hooker and Huxley, all _know I respect. If it is true that we are descended from apes, as _ warfare is evidence of our basest nature. For what is war but Man's own evolutionary invention, with metal and gunpowder to replace teeth and brute strength? Each side claims God in their favour, yet both suffer and die. I speak of God and prayer, yet I doubted both on that ride. What just creator would allow _ Then I thought of you, and it seemed a confirmation of the Light of the Holy Soul.
Please forgive me for leaving without telling you. I was stupid. I think of you and then I am still able to see good in the world. I am determined to see you again soon.
Your Loving
Jack
_ Beloved,
You do not know the relief I feel. I found them. They were, believe it or not, dancing at an impromptu party. _
regiment had won important ground _ few fatalities on their side. Since the fancy ladies weren't there, young boys were dressed as women _ partners in dance. So there they were, draped in muddied dresses, and I honestly could not tell if they were happy or sad about it. I guess it was close enough to Laurent's beloved Zouaves uniform. Either way, I presented my "papers of furlough," and _ bring them home. I think they have seen enough. Their protests were weak. I did not ask if _knew of their affection for one another, but I think it was only a matter of time before they were discovered as "gal-boys."
Once we arrive in the city I shall send _ _ dress _
Mon cher amour, coeur de ma vie,
Knowing that you are healing, and may be able to travel _
great joy. All will be ready for you when you return. I _
townhouse in Boston, just for us. I set up an office of ladies' medicine, and_
which may serve as a laboratory and library_
_ employment for Arthur, when he is ready to leave _rd to being "old maids" with you.
L. pines for F., too, but I think Papa may _
awhile. Lessons are to be learned, if of discretion than not_
you, ma enfant terrible, I am done with us learning lessons. Let us_
together, as each other's closest friends and helpmeets. I promise _
take care of you and speed your recuperation. _ _
I forgive you of everything, please_know that I will never leave you. I _
Just come back to me, my love. Come home.
All my Love,
Delphine