I feel my throat tighten s I begin to think the words that Phil is dead. It's been about a month and I've just barely wrapped my head around it he's gone, forever. There is no more of him at all,no more of him eating all the cereal, no more random socks left around the apartment, no more open cupboard doors.
I feel tears prick in my eyes as I get up from my bed. I gathered all the socks from my dresser drawer and began spreading them down the hallway, tears freely running down my face now. Next I went and open all the cupboards. I know what I am doing is pointless, but I still continue making seven bowls of cereal till it's gone.
"There it's like you never left Phil, it's the same" I say sobbing now, how can he be gone how can he leave me alone like this. I'm all alone again I'll start getting bad again Phil is gone. He can't help me through it now.
"Please, Phil, you can leave socks everywhere, just come back to leave me here alone" I talking aloud to myself now barely even to talk between gasping for breath. I'm curled up on the floor, I know I must look insane but I can't help it.
How could Phil do this, we need to make Philisnotonfire six, how are we suppose to do that when he is gone. How am I suppose to do the Radio show ever again? Why isn't he coming back? I can't hardly breath, maybe I'll die to, maybe it be better if I did.
Why couldn't I had been the one to die, Phil could have moved on. He was the stronger one of us not me. I talked big in public but Phil was my backbone, what would I do without him?
What was the point why did we become friends and get this far just for him to leave me by myself. I wouldn't be able to keep this up I was weak.
"Phil, please don't leave, just please I need you." My eyes hurt and my throat felt raw, it seemed I couldn't even cry anymore. I just felt empty crushing sadness.
Where do I start from here I was expected to heal and move on. How could I do that?
I would never see his smile again, I would never see his deep eyes, those eyes I could get lost in with all the swirling colors.
I stumbled to his room, pulling off my shirt and replacing it with one of Phil's plaid ones. I crawled under his duvet breathing in the smell of him that lingered. I closed my eyes pretending he was here with me, I could almost feel him laying against me, sleeping with his mouth hanging open and his hair tousled.
I wanted so bad to turn and open my eyes and check, but I stayed keeping the illusion intact. Maybe I could just pretend, let myself believe he was alive as long he was alive in my mind it be okay.
I felt more tears slide down my face as the cold truth of him not really being here wiggled in my head.
"NO! I won't let you be dead, I can't, I just… Can't."
I burrowed myself deeper into my blankets, letting my fantasies take over.