Chapter 1

They say the death of a child does one of two things for a couple. Either it brings them closer, or it tears them apart.

XXX

Although it had been a week since Elizabeth's death, Trip could have sworn it had only been a day. Even as he sat on his bed in his quarters, it felt like time had stopped. The funeral had been held two days after her death, in a private ceremony. Although the delegates had requested to be present at the funeral, he and T'Pol decided that it would be best to have the ceremony privately. Vulcans tended to be private people anyway, and the presence of the delegates would have attracted the media, who were already chomping at the bit to get a glimpse of the "half-breed" baby. Instead, baby Elizabeth's funeral was attended by those who had felt she was family from the moment they discovered her existence, even though they only knew her for mere hours. The crew of Enterprise had sat in a room around the tiny coffin, their heads bowed in silence, tears rolling down the faces of many.

If he was really honest with himself, he didn't remember any of the funeral. The faces of the crew blurred together in his mind, their words meshing together. "Sorry for your loss commander," "if you need to talk we're here." Their words had been meant to bring comfort, but they fell flat. They could try to offer words of comfort, but it was one thing to feel like you've lost a loved one, and to actually lose one. He not only lost a loved one, he lost a daughter. It was a pain that was indescribable, a pain that no one should have to experience. The decision to have a child had been taken out of his hands; just when he had fallen in love with this child, the universe had snatched her away. Trip pushed himself off his bed with a grunt. The only one who understood his pain, experienced the same pain, was T'Pol. He sighed, and ran a hand quickly through his hair. They hadn't exactly discussed what they were, if they were a "they." After Elizabeth's death, there hadn't been much time to talk. But the way she had stood by him, even though they did not touch, spoke volumes. If he couldn't come right and tell her how he felt now, then when the hell could he? For years they had skirted around what it was they exactly were. At times they tried to pretend there was nothing at all between them. But that never worked. Try as he might, his feelings came bubbling to the top. But they had never formally discussed exactly what they were, if anything. Sure they share a bond, but that had not move the discussion along, and now that Elizabeth passed away, it was all or nothing for Trip.

Trip pushed his hands down on his uniform, half attempting to flatten out wrinkles. He was not one for nervous energy, but he found himself full of anxiety. What was the worst that could happen? Her tell him that she didn't feel the same way? That couldn't be worse than watching her marry a man that he knew she didn't love. It couldn't be worse than dancing around their feelings about each other, and leaving every situation feeling more confused than finding answers. Anything was better than feeling that they couldn't move forward. They had been stuck for years; whenever it felt like they could take a step forward, the universe seemed to push them a step backwards again. For the first time, Trip would know where they stood, whether they would try to work out whatever this was, or if they would, for the final time, decide they were going to part ways. He took one last glance in the mirror, adjusted his collar, and set out of his quarters, filled with anxiety, but determination. This was it, one way or another, Commander Charles Tucker III would finally have his answer.

XXX

Trip's confidence did not waver as he pressed the chime on T'Pol's door. He took a step back and waited for a reply. The seconds ticked by without a response, and he felt the beginnings of trepidation. T'Pol was not one to keep anyone waiting. If she was busy, she would let the potential guest know; this behavior was out of character for her. He hit the chime again, his anxiety growing. More seconds ticked by as his anxiety hit a new peak. He thought back to the last time she had taken so long to reply; he had found her unconscious on the floor of her quarters, attacked by Rajin. Thoughts came flying into his head, what if she was injured or dead? What if a Terra Prime operative had gotten aboard and somehow found her quarters? Just as he was reaching to call for assistance, her voice came through her door, shakenly saying, "Come in." Trip pressed the button quickly, stepping over her doorway, eagerly searching for her, his eyes roaming over her usual spots he quickly spotted her sitting over her meditation candle. He usually didn't disturb her when she was mediating, but it was obvious that she wasn't anyway. T'Pol was staring straight ahead, unshed tears in her eyes shining in the dim room. Trip took another step in, and when T'Pol didn't move, he sat down gently across from her, taking a posture he had learned during neuropressure. She did not flinch as he sat down, or even indicate that she had noticed his presence at all. In fact, her eyes seemed almost glassed over. Trip raised his hand and waved it past her face. 'Okay, this is getting kind of creepy.' He thought, and leaned forward to try to shake her out of whatever state she was in. Before he could even touch her however, T'Pol shook her head slightly, and her eyes focused on him.

"Trip?" She whispered, looking startled. He nodded, confused. Her eyes moved back and forth, like her mind was moving too fast for her to catch up. She closed her eyes for a moment, and took a deep stabilizing breath. Then she opened her eyes slowly and gazed at Trip. Her eyes did not stay in one place, but seemed to travel all over his face before settling on his eyes.

"You doin' okay?" Trip asked worriedly, taking her appearance fully in, now that she was closer to him. Although she didn't look disheveled, something still seemed off. Her eyes were puffy around the edges, and her eyes were wide, from lack of sleep, or meditation, who knows what. T'Pol snapped her body back quickly away from him.

"Of course, why would I not be?" She replied curtly. Trip felt a rush of anger. 'why I would I not be?' He wanted to get into her face and yell "I don't know, maybe because your daughter just died?! Don't ya feel anything?!" But taking a look at her face, the forlorn look in her eyes, he talked himself down.

"Look, I know ya too well. You can pretend that Elizabeth's death didn't affect ya, but…" He hesitated, coming to the sudden realization that maybe the ache in his heart was not only coming from him. Maybe it was shared. He pointed to his heart. "I can feel it T'Pol. Call me crazy, but I can feel your pain just as clearly as I can feel my own." She still seemed to be pulling her body away from him. He reached out a hand, and grabbed her hand that was closest to him. She stiffened for a moment, before grasping his hand in return. It was the first time they had touched since finding out Elizabeth's death had been caused by Paxton's doctors, not their genes. He stared at their grasped hands, wondering if he should really go through asking her what they were. It was bad enough that she had lost her daughter, but he couldn't put her through this at the same time. Maybe it just wasn't the time for this, not that any time seemed to be right time. Maybe there was no time for them, no matter how much he wanted there to be. T'Pol's hand grasped his tightly, and he looked up to meet her eyes. She was staring at him like she was mulling something over. She opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, then seemed to rethink it, and started pulling away. Trip grasped her hand tighter. "It's okay, just tell me." He said, cocking his head to the side. T'Pol settled back, breathing evenly.

"I know you came here to discuss our relationship." She did not look up as she examined their hands. "I do not know if I have the answers you are seeking." T'Pol spoke softly, not sounding angry, just defeated.

"Just tell me if ya feel the same about me. If not I'll turn around and leave, and not bother ya again." Trip said earnestly. Silence followed his words, and he felt his heart sink. 'well, this is it.' He thought, putting his free hand behind him to push himself up. T'Pol's head moved quickly, and although she did not speak, Trip felt a tingling in the back of his mind, that seemed to match the look in T'Pol's eyes. He sat back down slowly, still not willing to risk putting himself back on the line. He could see her mulling over her thoughts, unsure if she should continue. Then, a what could only be described as a flame erupted in her eyes. He almost jumped back, thinking that she was gonna attack him. But instead, it was her words that contained the passion.

"Trip, you are my mate." T'Pol said, passionately, as though that described everything. Trip sighed, and ran a hand over his face.

"I told ya, we didn't 'mate'." T'Pol's eyes continued to smolder, but she also narrowed her eyes slightly. Trip scrambled to explain his choice of words slightly better. "On Earth, mating is like what animals do. It's not what two people who care about each other do. It just makes me think 'bout what I saw on my grandpa's farm, seeing two of his cows mating." He visibly shivered at the thought of equating what he and T'Pol did to he had seen the cows do. T'Pol raised an eyebrow at this, and he raised a hand defensively. "Not that I thought that's what Vulcans do or anything…" 'great, this conversation's heading somewhere awesome' He thought, and tried not to roll his eyes at himself.

"I see." T'Pol said. "I will attempt to refrain from using that phrase again." She paused again, as if searching for her words. Trip cocked his head to the side again, and pursed his lips. What was she hiding? Why did she call him her mate anyway? He squinted his eyes at her, feeling suspicious at her lack of conversation. Sure she wasn't much of a talker anyway, but this was downright artic. He and she could carry on a conversation easily, but this was probably the most awkward he had ever felt. T'Pol shifted, as if feeling his awkwardness. "I apologize if I am making you feel uncomfortable, that was not my intention." He waved a hand dismissively.

"You're not makin' me feel uncomfortable." In fact, she was the one who looked uncomfortable. The only time he had seen her look this out of her element was when she tried to talk about her relationships and feelings. She shifted again, and looked down at their clasped hands as though she had forgotten that they were still holding hands.

"Elizabeth's death had affected me in a way that I did not anticipate. Her death had made me reexamine priorities."

"Me too." He whispered. His heart beat faster. Was she going to say what he thought she was? His heart was beating so fast against his ribs that he thought that her ears could pick up the sound. The corner of his mouth began to twitch; her ears had always been a focus for him. But that wasn't the point; why hadn't she said anything more? He wanted to reach out and force her to look at him, to make her tell him what she was thinking. But he knew that she would get to it in her own time, as she always did.

"In the past year, I have lost two people very close to me. It has brought emotions to the surface that I am uncertain of."

'oh.' He thought, fearful she was going to push him away again in her grief, like she did after the death of her mother.

"These emotions of grief have… almost overwhelmed me. It is difficult for me to suppress them." She finally looked up at him again, her eyes almost sad. Trip felt that if she had been a human woman she would have been sobbing at that moment. "I do not believe I will be able to survive another loss so close to me." He almost gasped loudly at that moment, but put his hand over his face, and covered his mouth, then took it off, feeling that if he was going to say this, it had to be now.

"Ya mean my death would actually affect you?" T'Pol's eyes flashed with anger before she repressed it. "Every time I try to get close to ya, ya push me away. I can't go through that again T'Pol." Damn, he sounded desperate, and his voice caught on her name. T'Pol took a deep breath, as though she was calming her nerves, although she would never admit it.

"I want you to stay." She said, just as she had in the corridor that day, when the only care he had in the world was pullin her chain. But now, these words had deeper meaning. It hit him like a ton of bricks; she was afraid he was going to die; because she had lost everyone else in her life. And she was afraid of how it would affect her. "Trip…" She began.

But without a second's hesitation, he cupped her face and brought his lips to meet hers. While she seemed shocked at first, she responded in kind. They pulled away after a moment, and he could feel the tears gliding down his nose even as he had the biggest smile stretch across his face. T'Pol looked confused as she searched between his two eyes. "It's alright." He chuckled, and wiped away a tear on his cheek. "I'll stay."

A/N: Well, this took me forever to write. I am hoping to make it a multi-chapter, lt me know what you think! Also, I find those huge declarations of love so out of character for them, so I wanted to see if I could make it more like them! Let me know what you guys think of it all!