Passing Affair
Dorky title which has very little to do with the story (plot, what plot?) Mild groping, nothing really explicit. No real sex. No really vulgar language (this is the host club, after all, not even those empty-headed fluffies would pay to hear hot guys hurled insults at their heads; as it happened, no empty fluffies-- er, customers actually appear in this particular story). Up to (Anime) Episode 8 spoilers (although really no spoilers on the other episodes except for Renge. Heck, Honey and Mori can be hot girls for all anyone cares, since they are no where to be found here.) Can't make up mind whether to be serious or funny or just plain weird. Genderbending (no simple crossdressing, thank you very much), mistaken identities galore. Enough of a warning? Proceed at your own risk. :)
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Because the author is lazy, we would begin...
Right after the infamous thrown-into-bed sequence...
"No merit, eh? You are wrong, my dear girl. This once, money cannot help me reach my goal."
Her eyes narrowed. "What is your goal?"
"What if I say my goal is to seduce you throughly and completely?"
"I don't think so."
"Is that a challenge, my sweet? For it is something I can easily accomplish, with or without your cooperation."
"You wouldn't do it."
"Your repeated protest is getting tiresome, sweet." He reached inside her dress and palmed one breast.
Her hand snaked up to caress his chest. "Who says anything about protesting?"
Still stroking her breast, he stared at her. "What do you have that I don't?"
She blinked. "Do you really want me to answer that?"
"No." He sighed. "Are you sure you have never done this before?"
She smiled and fluffed her short hair so that it faned across the pillow. "That's for you to find out."
The door opened. "Kyouya, do you have a lotion ---"
He got off her, snatched the lotion bottle, and thrusted it at his friend.
"Ouch!"
"That's for being a lumber head." Kyouya strolled out the open door. "Geez. What more do I have to do?" he muttered to himself.
Back in the room...
Tamaki glared at the door, and back at Haruhi. "What were you doing with Kyouya?" he demanded.
She shrugged. "Nothing, apparently, since you interrupted."
"It's a good thing that I did," he muttered. Then his eyes widened. "What! A man and a woman lying in bed together with the light out and you said it was nothing!"
Haruhi glared. "Get your head out of the gutter, senpai, if you please."
"Noooo. My head can't possibly be in the gutter; it's too dirty... " He straightened. "It doesn't matter. I'm tired. You look tired. Get some sleep." He took a few steps, then turned back. "But not in this room." He started to stalk away again.
(The lightning and cupboard scene from the anime follows, so it isn't repeated here.)
Much later that night...
There was a knock at Kyouya's door. "Senpai?"
"Come in."
The door opened slightly. "I hope I am not intruding."
"I wouldn't tell you to come in if you were, would I?"
The door opened more. She walked in, shut the door, and approached his bed.
"Come to finish what we started this evening, sweet?" he drawled.
She looked at him, sans glasses, laying there naked up from the waist. A blanket covered his lower torso.
"It depends," she said slowly, with the merest hint of a blush, "on what you mean by that statement."
His eyebrows went up. "Playing an innocent again, my sweet? I thought you were more honest than that."
"Just answer my dam... my question!" she cried. Then she put a hand to her mouth. "Oh god, don't tell me I just yelled at you."
"Okay, I don't." He pushed himself up to sit on the bed, still letting the blanket covered his legs. He was wearing pajama shorts. "What is the question again?"
"I don't play games, senpai, and I don't like that you want to play one with me. I'll ask again one last time: what do you mean by 'what we started this evening'? Unlike you, senpai, I don't care to make any assumption."
He gave a soft whistle. "I did assume, didn't I? You are an innocent, after all, if you really can't tell that I was on my way to ravishing you this evening."
Her face seemed to loss color. "On your way to... Oh god." She sank down to the floor. "You didn't... "
He shook his head. "No, and I've since lost interest in seducing you, even if you had been willing, which, apparently, I was mistaken. It would feel too much like kicking a cute puppy. But I'll deny ever saying that."
Her face regaining color, she laughed softly. "You are really sweet, senpai." She sobered. "But why did you want to seduce me earlier?"
His face was equally sober. "You are simply a mean to an end, a notion which I'm not particularly proud of. If I had gone through with seducing you this evening, all I would accomplish would be to make the person I love hate me."
"This person, does she love you?"
"Not sure."
"Does she know you love her?"
"Probably not."
"She must be really slow," she mused.
He laughed. "That is so true, but I never act lover-like around my love either."
She got up on her feet, leaned toward him and kissed his cheek. "Well, good luck with your love, senpai. I probably need to go, before the other senpai pick a fight with me again."
He frowned. But his features quickly cleared. "You're a strange girl, Haruhi. I don't really want to wish you ill, but to be real honest, I don't want you to come close to me again. I cannot guarantee that I can always keep my animal instincts in check."
"But..." A look of confusion appeared on her face. "You said you weren't interested..."
"That doesn't change the fact that I can seduce you, damn it! Go now, before you can't leave."
"Good night." She took quick long steps to the door, opened it, and almost ran through it. He laughed and said to the empty room, "I did what you want, old boy. You owe me."
In the hallway, she smiled to herself. "I do, don't I?" Whistling, she skipped all the way to her room.
The next morning, right after the other senpai is left to chase after the car...
She turned to him and whispered, "Does it work?"
"Does what work?" he whispered back.
"Your grand plan to seduce your beloved last night."
"I don't have a plan, madam," he said in a stiff tone. "I'm not that calculated in the matter of the heart." His eyes narrowed at her. "Wait a minute. How do you know about my love?"
She looked uncertain. "Why, you told me... yesterday"
"What did I say exactly?"
"You love this person, but apparently the feeling is not reciprocated or simply ignored. You tried to make this person jealous of me by pretending an interest in me. And if in the process you scare me away, it would be a bonus for you."
He relaxed, very little. "It appears that I have warned the wrong person to stay away from me."
She sighed. "All right, senpai. I deduced it all myself. It's hard, I'll admit, when neither of you showed even the slightest romantic interest in each other. I was fooled for a time too, with the constant attention on me. In fact, I still wasn't sure until you sort of confirmed it in your roundabout way, just now. I thought about why you wanted to ravish me, and realized that there were only two possibilities: that I was your goal, or that I was an obstacle to your goal. You don't love me, senpai, so I must have been the obstacle. I made it easy for you, only because I wanted the constant attention on me shifted onto you. Oh, and to lessen the debt I owe the club, even though you said it wasn't about the money."
"You cut me right through the heart, madam. You can't even pretend it was my good looks that stayed you in my bed?"
"No, senpai. My interest in you lies solely in the fact that we seem to interest the same person. You and I must be more alike than I thought."
"Pray to god, madam, that you don't ever reach my depraved level."
She batted her eyelashes at him. "It is virtually impossible to reach your level without years of practice."
He laughed. "Somehow you made that sound like an insult, not that it isn't true, of course." He tipped up her chin. "You are too interesting, Haruhi. If I were straight, I might learn to love you."
"But you are straight, senpai," she returned in a calm voice.
He dropped his hand from her chin and tried to back away. The car, being narrow and confined, didn't effort him much leeway, so he couldn't get too far from her.
"Come again?"
She hit her fist on her open palm. "Oh, it is supposed to be a secret, right? I won't say anything then."
He loomed over her, looking much larger than he could possibly fit in the car. "Ha-ru-hiii. I may have to run up more of your debt if I can't at least ascertain that what you think you know isn't going to be harmful for the club."
She put up a hand. "All right, all right," she said, looking on the verge of crying, or laughing, or both. "I followed you one day. You were discreet, I must admit, it's no wonder you can keep it a secret for so long. You refused to see me as a girl back when we first met, senpai, because you were a girl yourself and wanted me to be your cute guy."
He stroke his chin. "Is that your weird logic, little girl? I was the first person to identify you as a girl when we first met. And do I look like a girl to you? Heck, I was bare chest when we were..." His face was red.
"And I touched your chest..." She shook her head. "No, I touched your lover's chest, not yours."
He grabbed her hand and dragged it across his chest. "There. Satisfied now?"
"You aren't a girl... not now in any case."
"What!"
"I said before that I followed you. I didn't know, didn't quite understand what law of nature you broke then, but I saw you..." she lowered her voice to a whisper, "transformed into what I imagine would be the female equivalent of your form. I must admit, you looked so pretty and so feminine that if I hadn't just seen you... changed I wouldn't have given you a second thought and just remarked on your good looks. You... the female you, I mean, would have little trouble attracting men, but might have a lot of trouble fighting off the ones you don't want. Maybe that's the reason you prefer to stay in your current form. But this is not your real form either, right, Tamaki-senpai?
"How?"
"You don't flat out deny it, for one thing. Just now, you mostly talked like senpai, for another thing. How did you ever fool Kyouya-senpai you were me if you talked the way you always do?"
He shrugged. "The devil knew it was me all along and simply humored me, I suppose."
In a far away house, a sneeze was heard.
The car had come to a stop in front of Haruhi's house. Tamaki and Haruhi got down.
"Thanks." Tamaki pulled out a wallet and handed the driver some cash. "Don't wait up for me. I would stay here for a while."
In a typical anime fashion, we have to assume that if the driver had heard anything he shouldn't hear, he would promptly forget it.
"Your money?"
"His. Might as well use his money since he makes so much."
"I see."
They looked at each other.
"Well, you are home, Haruhi."
"Yes."
He adjusted the pair of glasses perched on his nose. "Darn thing wants to fall off. And looking through it is giving me a headache. The fool should just wear contacts." He took it off and put it in his breast pocket.
She smiled. "Admit it, Tamaki-senpai, if not for the megane, you wouldn't like Kyouya-senpai half as much."
"True, he looks quite hot in the thing, even though he's a pain in the... even though he's a pain." He closed his eyes and his form changed into that of himself.
She blinked at the transformation. "I'm so not used to this," she muttered. Louder, she asked, "Why let me see at all? You can continue to insist that I'm a lost, delusional girl."
"Because you're probably the most sane out of the bunch of us, I feel safe trusting you with my secret." He turned toward her, and in a typical Tamaki fashion, changed the subject. "You said you live with your father, right? Can I come in, just for a moment?"
"No." Her look was militant. "I can't invite a strange man into my house."
"But you were willing to sleep with one, or at least, you didn't put up much of a resistance, if any at all. God, I quite run out of lecture, so never mind. But seriously, Haruhi, are you still mad at me about what happened back at the beach?"
"No, senpai. I should have been more grateful, probably, and less defensive, but I did what I thought was best at the time. I'd apologized to everyone else, but never to you, it seems. I didn't make the exception out of slight, but simple forgetfulness...
He put a finger to her lips. "Say no more. I'm glad you are not mad at me. I was simply worried about you, and I didn't know what to say to make you understand your danger. Kyouya seemed to oblige me on that when he pushed you on to his bed... oh god, I still don't like to think about how utterly disrespectful he treated you. I knew you gave me your opinion of what you thought he was after, and he basically told you-- I mean me-- the same thing, but unless we could see into his depraved soul, his true intention is likely to remain forever a secret."
She nodded, then a thoughtful expression came over her face. "Can I ask you a question, senpai?"
"Sure. What is it, Haruhi?"
"Does Kyouya-senpai really love you?"
"I'm not sure."
"Does he know you love him?"
"Probably not very certain. Otherwise he wouldn't bother with lies and half-truths. You are right, Haruhi. Our relationship... my relationship with Kyouya is weird. I'm sure you are the only one who even suspects that Kyouya and I might want to be more than friends."
"I take it your calling yourself dad and Kyouya-senpai mom is a diversional tactic? Because you are actually a mom, aren't you? It all make senses now, with how theatrical you always act."
He put his hand over his left chest. "Cruel, Haruhi. I just did those acts for the customers..."
"Nope, Tamaki-senpai. I mean when you go to sit in one of your dark corners, which seems to follow you where ever you go. It is almost as impressive as Renge-chan's raised motor platform."
"Speaking of Renge-kun, she didn't turn up this time at the beach. Do you suppose she's gone back to France?"
"If she has, she can take a plane back here just as easily, Tamaki-senpai, so I don't think we have seen the last of her."
"I didn't mean to imply that she wasn't welcomed. But the girl is an otaku, Haruhi. Her ability to socialize is clearly limited to the dating sim environment. You see the shoddy job she made when she filmed us in that silly movie although copies of it seem to sell quite well according to Kyouya, not that he ever let me see the exact figures, the rat, so that's something, I suppose. So far, however, Renge-kun hasn't exactly proved her worth as a manager, a position which she helped herself into, I might add."
"Whatever you say, senpai." She looked around. "Why are we still outside of my house?"
"Because I invited myself in and you cruelly rejected me." He prostrated himself at her feet. "Please, please, Haruhi. Just once, let me inside."
She looked down at him, a thoughtful expression on her face. "Okay." She pointed a finger at him, the way Renge, or actually the way he usually did. "I don't let a strange man inside my house, but a pretty girl, why not?"
Tamaki turned white, literally. "You are going to make me a girl just to get inside your house?"
"Pathetic," she muttered. Louder, she said, "Look, it's for your own good, senpai. My father would just beat up a guy I bring home."
"... Your father, is he... a... a..."
"A what, senpai? I can't hear you."
"Isheajudoorakaratechampion?"
She blinked. "I never thought about it, but no, I don't think so."
He sighed and got up on his feet. "Okay, Haruhi. You win." He dusted some of the dirts of his clothes. And then let some weird magic took over his form again.
"I can't change clothings when changing forms, so pray I don't get stuck as a guy wearing a girl uniform." The girl rolled up the long legs of her pants.
Haruhi stared. She then jumped up and hugged the other girl.
"So pretty so pretty so pretty. Forget about Kyouya-senpai. I want you."
Tamaki looked horrified. "You like another girl?"
"Not another girl, silly. You. My wonderful shapeshifter. I guess I'm bent, but I do like girls. Hey, my first kiss was with a girl. And with you, I get two for the price of one. Or I get three, or four, or as many as the different forms you can change into." She put her hand under the other girl's shirt and fondled her.
"Ah..." Tamaki moaned, closing her eyes.
"Like that, don't you? I'm much better than Kyouya-senpai. His fondle left much to be desired."
Tamaki's eyes snapped open. "That bastard! And I thought he said he didn't do anything to you."
Still caressing the other girl's breast, Haruhi gave her a look. "You said yourself that a man and a woman lying in the bed together with the light out couldn't possibly be nothing. Of course there was something going on. It just didn't get far enough because you interrupted us."
"Will you please stop and take your hand away?" Tamaki demanded, irritation in her voice. "Geez, I don't understand you at all, Haruhi. You don't care if Kyouya raped you?"
Haruhi glared. "'Rape' is a strong word, senpai. It means that he takes my body against my will. I'm not so stupid as to put myself in that position."
"You put yourself exactly in that vunerable position by going into his room alone! Were you even going to cry out if he ra.. forced himself on you!"
"Quiet, senpai. You are not my parent. I don't need to explain myself to you."
"And I am so glad of that fact! I've had enough of this. Go run to your papa then if you find yourself in trouble."
Haruhi stuck her tongue out. "You forgot to say that you are not going to talk to me until I apologize to you."
"You don't even bother with the first apology, so I don't feel like giving that ultimatum again."
"Tamaki-senpai no baka!"
"Good luck, Haruhi. You're going to really need it." He stalked away. (He? When did he change back to himself?)
"Tamaki-senpai no baka," she repeated in a soft voice, her eyes following his retreating back. "It can't be helped, senpai. You love Kyouya-senpai. Kyouya-senpai loves you. So I have to push you away."
Next day, the third music room (Host Club room):
"Good job, Haruhi," Kyouya said, smiling.
"You are so knocking out most of my debt, Kyouya-senpai," she replied. Her eyes narrowed. "You know, for someone so cunning, you are rather pathetic in the matter of the heart."
"I am? Then I am lucky to have you working for me then. Okay, let's see, 3,000,000 yen for breaking up with Tamaki--"
"We weren't together in the first place! Oh, I tried some action on the girl-type senpai, but that was only natural. You didn't even warn me how gorgeous she was!" she whispered in a furious voice. "And 3,000,000 yen isn't even half of my debt!"
"We did cut down some of your debt before. This is a take it or leave it deal."
"Figures."
"Haruhii!"
She turned, and got glomped on by Tamaki.
"Come this way. I have an ab-so-lute-ly perfect costume for you to wear."
Haruhi looked at the hand he held on her wrist, leading her toward the back of the music room. "Wait, senpai."
Tamaki turned to look at her. For a moment there was a strange look in his face, then his face relaxed in an ever happy expression again. "I'll wait for you back in the changing room. Come soon."
"Okay." She waved him to go.
"Haruhi?" Kyouya whispered in her ear. "It looks like I praised you too soon."
"Don't you dare renege on our deal, Kyouya-senpai!" she hissed.
"Are you sure you two have a fight? He sure doesn't act like it."
Haruhi went over to the window and looked outside. "Are you sure you love him, senpai? You don't even really understand him."
"You are setting yourself up as my rival now, Haruhi? But as I said to you, well, it turned out I said it to him, I give up on seducing you. I should warn you away from me too, but I suppose you would simply do as you please."
"Kyouya-senpai, you are straying way off the subject. Tamaki-senpai genuinely cares for every one of his friends. He doesn't let a silly disagreement stop him from hanging out with me. And that quarrel was mostly staged anyway. But we did fight, and that was all your requirement was, so pay up or shut up."
Kyouya laughed. "I agree with you, Haruhi. Next time I have to word my requirement better. But I'll pay this time, or rather I'll knock off your debt. You amuse me, so you will get half off your debt after all."
"Thank you kindly."
"You drove a hard bargain, madam."
She arched her eyebrows. "Did I? Must be because we are more alike than I thought, Kyouya-senpai." She turned away from the window and walked toward the changing room.
Kyouya watched her go. "That means you are still my rival for his affection, Haruhi. And I agree that you and I must surely be cut from the same cloth after all, for why else did I pay you, if anything, to get even closer to my own object of affection?"
At Tamaki's house:
"There, what do you think, Tamaki?"
"You wrote this drivel, Kyouya? It sounds more like something the twins would pen, although as ill as they are now, it has to be you after all. You love me and I love you? God, can you get even more soap opera-ish? I do not need a diversional tactic to hide my illicit feelings for you, thank you very much, because I don't have any! You even make me a weirdo. Shapeshifters exist only in some weird gothic novels, you fool! Not to mention that this story is so full of plot holes. For instance, if I was outside chasing the car when we left the beach, how did I end up in the car alone with Haruhi? And this!" he cried, slapping his hand against one page. "I should strangle you for violating Haruhi, even if only in your depraved writing." He took a breath and glared at his friend. "It is only in your imagination, right?"
"Relax, 'Dad'. That part is not true, at any rate. This is supposed to be our mini featured movie to raise the money for the club."
"You fool! This movie -- not that I can imagine filming something even more depraved than Renge-kun's movie -- will out Haruhi as a girl!"
"So what? Don't you think some of our customers actually prefer a girl? They come here just because there is no other club that can indulge their fantasy. And if someone raises a fuss about a girl working as a host? Too bad, but I might actually prefer that. The truth is I don't really want Haruhi to stay in the club anymore."
Tamaki looked crushed. "Why, Kyouya? Don't you like Haruhi?"
Kyouya smiled. "I do like her, probably too much."
"You like her... too much? Oh, no no. No way I can compete. Girls seem to like the megane type. Guess that's why you never wear contacts, eh?"
"I did wear contacts once. You made me do it, remember?"
"Only in someone's imagination, who then wrote the thing down and posted it on the internet for all to see. She got your character right, I'll give her that. But me? I beg to differ. As if I care whether you wear contacts or not." He gave a shudder.
"Fine, Tamaki. Since no one else is available at the moment, you come up with something half decent, and we will film your story instead."
"Really, really? You're not going to be mad if I write a story?"
"I wouldn't suggest it if I'm not okay with it."
Tamaki hugged his friend. "Oh, thank you, 'Mom'. I won't disappoint you." He released his friend and went to look for pen and paper. "Better get to work."
Kyouya put on his jacket and indicated the stack of paper that was his story. "I'll leave this for you to improve on or take out whatever you don't like. See you later."
Tamaki waved back, but his attention was on Kyouya's story. He hummed to himself while thumbing through the pages. "First to go, all reference to your loving me."
Outside of Tamaki's house, Kyouya leaned against the wall. "Sometimes, Tamaki, like it or not, the line between truth and fiction is blurred." He smiled. "But I do like that simple-mindedness of yours. Don't you ever lose it."
Back in Tamaki's room...
"That cheat, that liar, that snake!" a female voice raged. "If you damn well love me as much as you say, how come you were pawing Haruhi but not once put your hand on me when I practically offered myself to you!"
"You lost, Haruhi. So I'm not going to cut off your debt after all."
"Really? I only said that Tamaki-senpai wouldn't like that story. No where did I say he's not interested in you."
Kyouya laughed. "You are right, Haruhi. Next time I have to word my requirement better... Wait, I think I said that before."
"You did, senpai." She pointed up at somewhere about forty lines above this one.
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The End?
Author's Note: Thank you for reading. I hope it was somewhat enjoyable and not too confusing. The inspiration came from reading this Ouran fanfiction, Burlesque Giocoso, which is really good and has more substance than my excuse of a story. The truth is I rather prefer to write a straight couple, but Haruhi x someone didn't really appeal to me at this point, so I cheated with weird magic and stuff.
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Disclaimer: Ootori Kyouya, Suoh Tamaki, Fujioka Haruhi (Renge and the twins didn't actually appear; they were only mentioned by other host club members) are borrowed and returned intact, although I'm not responsible for what happened to them in between. No money is made from this. (Heck, I doubt I could pay anyone to read it). The fanfic mentioned (Why Ootori Kyouya Does Not Wear Contacts) is not mine and was used without permission. I must apologize to the author of that fanfic for implying that her characterization of Tamaki might be off (I personally think it's rather spot on, but my Tama just had to be contrary. :) That said, any characterization mistake is mine to make, even though these characters insist they wrote all their own lines. And other than those two stories mentioned above, I haven't read any other Ouran fanfictions, so if this story, by some weird coincidence, contains any elements that might be eerily similar to the ones found in other fanfictions, rest assured it isn't intentional.
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Extra:
Where were all the other host club members?
Honey and Mori went on a vacation together in some exotic location. (Wait, didn't they go to the beach with the rest of the gang? I think I manage to confuse myself...)
The twins were sick with flu. (One of them got it first, the other one took care of him and caught it too.) Kyouya, Tama, Haru visited, but were forbade to really enter the house, for fear of them catching the flu too. (Wait, didn't the twins also go to the beach...?)
Renge (well, she's the self-appointed manager) was probably living on that motor platform of hers, waiting until the next opportunity to insert herself back into the storyline. (At least this one didn't go to the beach.)