When I watched cartoons as a kid, there were episodes in which tickle torture was present. At first, I thought it was another comic gag. It wasn't until later on that I learned it was a real torture method, used by the ancient Romans (called The Goat's Tongue). I also ran into a great cartoon/e-comic artist named Tomato Dragon. His comic series, Stipplewitz, applies the concept of tickle torture as a means of "karmanic" punishment. Little did I know that this concept would play a part in one of my Fidget pastiches. Therefore, this is a story by our beloved bat heroine, in which a typical day in the park turns out to be an experience that he will never forget.
A Lesson to be Learned
It was Wednesday afternoon when Niecy and I decided to take Jeanette and little Finnius to da park. Jeanette was five years old; little Finnius was almost a year. Niecy sat on the bench as she kept an eye on him in da stroller. As for me, I sat next to my wife as I was keepin' a cautious eye on Jeanette. She was playing with a group of young boys as usual (after all, she is a tomboy). I always get a little suspicious when I see Jeanette surrounded by boys. I know dhey're just kids. I know dhey haven't done anythin' to hurt her. But hey, I'm a guy. I was a little boy once. I know how little boys act toward little girls … and how men act toward women. I'm a worrier. I can't help it!
Jeanette and her friends were playin' a game called Catch da Monster. It was similar to Tag, except dat the monster is da one who does most of da chasin'. If da monster catches all da kids without gettin' caught, he wins. If da kids catch da monster, dhey win. When dhey win, dhey tie da monster to a tree and keep him/her dhere for a half-hour. Well, I saw Jeanette and her friends flock to me like ducklin's. Dhey wanted me to be da monster. I gulped nervously. Da idea of a grown man playin' with kids in public (particularly someone else's kids) was embarrassin' for me. However, Jeanette was part of da group and I often played with her. Contrary to what fathers believe, I t'ink a father should play with his children. It brings dem closer to you. Besides, my childhood was cut short the day my father was killed. I wanted to give Jeanette the childhood I didn't have. She even bragged to her friends that I was "the greatest Daddy in the world" (and I was very flattered by it). She was da one t'ing in my life dat I took real pride in. Da last t'ing I wanted to do was make a liar out of her.
So, we spent a great deal of time, runnin' around. I knew Niecy was watchin'. When I peeked at her from behind a tree, she winked at me. I winked back. As da game continued, I snuck up behind one of the da little boy mice. I surprised him by wrappin' my wings around him. "I gotcha!" My first victim. I'm gonna win! Or so I thought. As I was lavishin' in my glory, I was suddenly jumped. It was da other kids. Dey got me. Damn!
I was dragged to da tree. My hands were tied behind my back and my whole body was tied to da tree. It was a pretty good tie because I couldn't even move. Dey made sure of dat. I sighed heavily and thought to myself, Yeah, dey caught me. I would only have to stay like dis for a half-hour and nothin' more. Little did I realize what I was in for.
One of da kids put a blindfold around my eyes. Dis was gettin' interestin'. What was da blindfold for? Den I heard one of dem say "The monster has eaten too many children. Now it's time for his punishment." My ears perked at dat word. What was da punishment? Were dey gonna pretend to eat me? I suddenly felt my shoe being pulled off. Before I could say anythin', I suddenly felt something slither across da bottom of my foot. It was startin' to tickle, den I began to wince. I tried to shake it off, but it didn't go away. It began to tickle even more. I held my breath to stifle any laughter. Unfortunately, my willpower was short-lived and an uncontrollable laughter escaped my throat. I suddenly figured out what da punishment was. Tickle torture.
Oh God, not dat! Anythin' but dat, and not on my only foot! I'm so horribly ticklish on my foot! I hate bein' tickled! I shook and wiggled my body to get out of it, but was no use. Da bonds were too tight and it was beginnin' to hurt. "Mercy!" I cried through giggles. It didn't work. Dey kept on ticklin' me. I-yi-yi! And dis was suppose to last a half-hour!? I don't know if I can last a half-minute! Help!
I suddenly remembered my days as a young pirate. Our Captain often had us bring captives aboard Da Bloody Rose. Sometimes she order us to torture dem. Dependin' on her mood or how much she hated dem to begin with, each one underwent different kinds of torture. One of dem involved ticklin'. Dhere was a rich mouse woman who crossed our Captain's path. She was fat, pompous, and downright annoyin'. She even got on da Captain's nerves with her snobbish ways. So, da Captain saw it fittin' to break down da pride of that pompous cantaloupe. So, I was given da honor of applying tickle torture on her. I was more dan happy to oblige. Da woman was tied to da mast and her shoes were taken off. I approached her with a feather in each hand. I brushed them upon her feet and watched her squirm and scream with laughter. She tried so hard to squeeze out of her bonds only to let herself slunk with laughter. It almost look like she was giving in. I thought it was so damn funny. Of course, she wasn't da only one who underwent dis torture. Our Captain often had me provide dis torture on many captives. Like dat lady, most of dem were rich, pompous, and big. Watching all 'dose big people laugh helplessly to the touch of my feathers was satisfyin'. Since mouse society treated me like a small, stupid, and insignificant creature, it was only right dat dey suffered. It made me feel big inside. It was a way to get even with da world. I never once considered dat somethin' like dis would happen to me.
Dis was NOT funny AT ALL! It was downright embarrassin' and painful. It felt like I was a naked display at a circus. It was my only foot left to stand on and it was gettin' punished by leaves, feathers, and fingers. I was goin' crazy! My whole body was hurtin' and tears fell down my cheeks. I couldn't see with da blindfold, but I was sure dat people were starin' at me. If dose captives I tortured were here right now, dey would gloat at seein' me suffer … with a smile on my face.
"Time's up!"
The ticklin' suddenly stopped. I was pantin' for breath. My throat was sore and dry. I was coughin'. As I felt da blindfold bein' lifted off my eyes, I saw Jeanette with a glass of water in her hands. "Here you are, Daddy."
"T'ank you, sweetie," I gasped as I slowly drank da water. My thirst was quenched and I was breathin' easier. I felt da ropes loosen and slip off my body. Niecy untied me. I fell on my face and rolled to my back. God, dat felt better. 'Dose ropes were beginning to hurt my wings.
"Are you alright?" asked Niecy.
I nodded sluggishly as I held out my hands. She grabbed hold of dem and lifted me to my foot and peg. I winced as my foot touched the ground, but eventually I was able to feel the ground underneath it again. Den I saw Niecy giggle.
"You were quite a sight, Finnius," she uttered. "Jeanette and her friends sure had fun with you."
I was slightly insulted. Yeah, of course dey had fun! I wasn't so sure I did though! "I never thought … dat a half-hour … could be dat long," I uttered breathlessly.
"That wasn't a half-hour," Niecy replied. "That was only fifteen minutes."
Fifteen minutes? How did she know dat?! Den she told me dat she made a deal with Jeanette and her friends to have da punishment last for fifteen minutes on my behalf since I needed to walk. I also learned dat anyone who played da monster in dat game and got captured underwent da same punishment. Niecy knew it da whole time. Oh my God! How could she?! I was about to complain until I began to remember somethin' else. What I went through was practically tame. Da captives I tortured underwent dis torture for hours, even days, without food, drink, or sleep. Dherefore, I really had no reason to be angry with my wife and daughter. Instead, I covered my face and uttered a sheepish smirk. I couldn't keep a straight face, I was so embarrassed. "I guess it was kind of hilarious."
As I carried Jeanette upon my back on the way back home, I thought about my predicament with da kids. As much as I disliked it, it was reminder of what I did as a pirate. Like da coward dat I was, I used to mistreat dose less stronger dan myself. It was not somethin' to be proud of … and I learned dat I should never do it again.
Our Captain--Lillian Bates, the matriarchal captain from The Nightwing Pirates.
The Bloody Rose--the name of Bates's ship, consisting of blood-red sails. Named after the former owner, Captain Rose Nightwing.