Disclaimer: don't own
It had happened suddenly, yet paradoxically, it happened over time. Elliot loved George for a while, and then, quite suddenly, acted on his feelings.
If Elliot had to name a specific reason he had fallen for George Huang, he would say, without a doubt, that it was the intimate sessions they had. Elliot went in, each time, hostile and angry, determined not to let the doctor in his head at all. Yet each time, by the end, George had worked the truth- and, often, a tear- out of Elliot.
A confession that he felt like the only way he could feel safe about the people he cared for, was to smother them, keep them in his sight at all times or close to it. Then a confession that, while he loved Kathy like anyone loved the mother of their children, he hadn't wanted to marry her in high school. They'd been a few kids, experimenting... there hadn't been anything there. But Elliot had to do what was expected of him.
At first, they left it at that. and George didn't dig deeper- he seemed to be satisfied that there was no more to the problem. But Elliot knew that wasn't the case, and he could slowly feel the truth, his deepest and darkest secret, coming to the surface. He had never told anyone why he hadn't remarried after the second time he and Kathy had gotten divorced. Two years should have been more than long enough to at least find someone, but Elliot hadn't felt a single spark with anyone.
The reason for that was very simple. Elliot Stabler- Elliot Stabler, macho man, dedicated Catholic, devoted father- was not, never had been, and never would be attracted to women. Women were pretty, kind, soft. He admired them. But he wasn't attracted to them. He was attracted to men. He didn't want to be gay, but he couldn't change it. His prayers, acts of contrition... no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop it.
He had never told a single person about it. He couldn't, not after hiding it for so long. But it was starting to eat him alive. He couldn't bear being alone anymore.
Elliot took a deep breath and walked in George's office for yet another session.
"Hello, detective," George greeted, face calm and stoic as always.
Elliot sighed deeply. "Hey doc."
He was feeling tense and on edge. He want to tell, but he also wanted it to remain a secret. His hands even trembled slightly from his nervousness.
"Elliot, what's wrong?" George asked.
Elliot didn't reply. He couldn't get his thoughts together.
"Elliot?" George called. He set a hand on Elliot's shoulder. The contact brought Elliot back to reality.
"I... doc... Do you have any secrets that you've kept your whole life?" Elliot asked with a pained expression.
"Nothing important. Nothing life-changing. The closest thing I can think of is when I found out I was gay, but I'm out with everyone I know."
Elliot looked at the ground, averting eye contact. "Before you came out, what did you feel like?"
George looked at Elliot critically, trying to find the meaning behind the question. Apparently he couldn't deduce it himself, because he asked, "Why do you want to know?"
It annoyed Elliot that even the doc, who was supposedly an expert on the human mind, couldn't guess what was going on.
"You're the shrink, you tell me," Elliot snapped.
"Elliot, I can't help you if-"
Elliot scowled and wrapped his arms around his chest. "I don't need your help!"
He did need the help. He wanted, needed, someone to tell him that he wasn't alone, that he wasn't dirty, despite all the evidence to the contrary. He needed the help, but he couldn't let himself accept it. Pushing George away seemed like the best option... and the most painful.
"Elliot, something is bothering you. You're tense and agitated."
He couldn't deal with this anymore. "Doc, I'm begging you, please, not right now. I don't want to talk about this."
"From what you told me, it isn't that you don't want to, as much as you're used to repressing it."
Elliot stood up, knocking the chair sideways. "I'm leaving."
"I'm sorry to give you an ultimatum, but if you won't talk about something that's bothering you this month, I'm going to have to ask Cragen to take you off duty until you will talk about it."
"What?" Elliot exclaimed angrily.
"I don't know if your issue will compromise your ability to act as an NYPD detective."
"It isn't!"
"Prove it. Tell me what's wrong." George set his hand on Elliot's shoulder and looked at him imploringly. "I won't tell anyone, and I won't judge you."
Elliot lost it. "You want to know what's bothering me? You insisting that you know what's going on bothers me!"
"I do know what's going on. How long have you been attracted to men?"
Once again, George saw right through Elliot. Once again, George made Elliot feel vulnerable, simple... naked, even. Exposed.
"I can't take it anymore!" Elliot yelled. He kicked the chair violently. "I'm so tired of this!"
"Elliot." George was still speaking gently, still keeping his composure. Elliot didn't fail to notice, but he didn't care anymore.
"I can't stand it anymore! I act like the faithful choir boy, like the perfect, devoted Catholic father, but I'm not!"
"Why?" George asked pointedly.
"Because... I don't like women. I like men..."
The silence in the room was deafening.
Finally, after what could have been years, Elliot told someone. He could almost feel the weight of the world leaving his chest.
George shook his head and said, "Being gay isn't anything that should bother you, Elliot."
"Yes it is! My family will see me differently if I tell them," Elliot retorted.
"Would you rather just hide yourself from them? It's been eating you alive, I can see that clearly enough." George looked concerned, but as always, undisturbed. Elliot wondered what it would take to get a reaction from George. And the fact the George was succeeding in getting a reaction from him, set his anger off.
"Stop doing that. I know what I'm thinking already; I don't need you to tell me!"
"If you know what you're thinking, and that it bothers you, why won't you do anything about it?" George asked.
"Fuck off!" Elliot yelled.
"No. Tell me why you won't let yourself be happy," George ordered.
"You aren't what's going to make me happy!"
"I didn't say I was," George said, looking completely unfazed. The fact that Elliot had just practically admitted his love for him seemed to do nothing to rattle George.
The doctor had defeated him, again. His blood began boiling. He was angry at the psychiatrist, but at the same time... something had been awakened in him. He was too annoyed to think about anything but the physical part of the new array of sensations.
He pushed George against a wall and kissed him furiously, a rough kiss that conveyed his frustrations better than words could. George moaned softly and Elliot shoved his tongue between George's lips, touching every surface in George's mouth with his eager tongue.
He rubbed his hardness against George, and was simultaneously relieved and disappointed when George pulled away, shaking his head. He was breathless, but he still spoke right away. "Elliot, you don't need this. You may have always felt an attraction to men... this may or may not be the first time you've been attracted to me. But, you aren't ready. There isn't anything but physical attraction, and you may be content with a purely sexual relationship, but I'm not. There has to be something there."
Elliot paused and looked downwards. "Where do I go from here?"
George sighed. "Do some thinking. Think about if you really want this. If you do, I'll try a relationship with you. But I can't risk being hurt until I know that I'm not just going to be an experiment."
Elliot gave a sigh of his own. "That sounds reasonable... see you doc."
He stood and walked away without another word, thoughts conflicted.
Elliot put a lot of thought into it over the next week. It wasn't long before he realized that he did have an attraction George, besides a physical one. It was love, but he was still having difficulty accepting it.
"So what do you think?" Elliot asked as he explained to George. He was in George's office, again.
George allowed a thoughtful look to cross his face. "I'll try it. But Elliot, you do realize that we're going to fight a lot- at least in the beginning- and that this won't be easy?"
Elliot nodded. "Yeah. But I want this. I mean, like you said, we'll probably fight a lot, because I'm still adjusting and you'll probably be annoyed by it sometimes... but I think it will be worth it."
George began to speak, but he couldn't find the words to express what he wanted to say. That he wanted to ease Elliot's transition, that he wanted to show Elliot that love between men was as normal as between a man and a woman. That he would make Elliot feel like more sure of himself, that there wasn't a choice involved in homosexuality. Most of all, he wanted to say that he'd loved Elliot for too long, that he had been wanting this to happen for years. But it was too early. Saying those things would scare Elliot, and George had to do this slow and steady, or he would lose his chance with Elliot entirely.
So George stood and beckoned Elliot to follow him. They walked out of the near-deserted precinct and George drove them to his apartment. He pressed his lips to Elliot's, making the kiss soft this time. He wanted tenderness, Elliot wanted it rough- nothing about them matched.
Elliot didn't fail to notice the conflicting desires they had. Elliot wanted to feel in control, powerful, while George retained his soft-spoken personality and his more subtle need for control. Elliot wanted to feel like he wasn't exposed to George. Physically, it wasn't so bad, but mentally, he didn't want to feel vulnerable.
But it seemed there wasn't a way to get their thoughts to match. Elliot would be rash and angry, George would be calm and stoic, constantly pressing into Elliot's thoughts and causing Elliot to feel exposed. There would be times when they'd insist they hated each other.
But still, they were together in a way that they could handle. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it. After all, even though George always did make him feel exposed, George always ended up helping him in the end.
Being exposed wasn't too bad.