I had to do it. As much as it hurt, as much as it burnt me up inside, I had to do it. Had to let go.
It wasn't even like I didn't know this would happen eventually. Iknewthat it would end in heartbreak. End in me broken inside.
So I took a deep breath and tried to pull myself together. Which was hard with all the noise. There was the screaming of Vocal Adrenaline. The shrieks of joy from that group in white. And the bright lights in my face.
It's funny how things change. While we were performing those lights seemed to be only making us more enthusiastic. Now they served the purpose of opening our eyes to the stark reality.
Glee club was over.
We didn't even place.Figgins had no reason not to cancel the club. And that meant that my dream of being with Finn was over. Glee was what gave me the hope that it could be real. And now it was over.
What was supposed to be the greatest day of my life had turned out to be the lowest and darkest. Well, since that day ten years ago that still brings pain in unexpected places.
Losing, seeing Finn and Rachel hug and share something special, the drama with Quinn- it all came down on me at once and I felt my calm and cool facade beginning to crack.
Why did she get everything? The killer voice, the guys pining after her like puppies, the solos, Finn- they were all hers. It wasn't fair. I tried just as hard, if not harder to get Finn and he still runs into her arms.
We start to leave the stage, dark, depressing parodies of ourselves. Slowly walking down the steps with nothing but a tiny figurine to show for our months of practice. It feels like a sick joke. Like we've all been given this chance just so that we can fail.
The next few minutes are a blur. I can remember sad voices, apologies and my dad's face but my next coherent thoughts come in my room. It's dark and I'm alone. Finn is off at some party planned for our supposed victory. The mood is no doubt sombre but him and Rachel are with no doubt stuck to each other like glue. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick inside.
I have to try and think of something to say to Finn. Something to create closure. Something to make things right.
I go through a million different phrases in my head but they all seem wrong. Either too depressing or too confusing or just innapropriate.
Because how much of my "crush" did Finn really understand. Did he mistake it for an attraction instead of love? We only ever mentioned it once and that was at a time that I didn't want to think about. Even then he didn't say much. Only that he "saw the way I looked at him".
God, was it that obvious?
I curl into a ball on my head and, very unlike me, start to cry. What starts off as small tears soon turns into sobs that rock my body one by one. I'm surprised that dad doesn't come to see but then I realize that he probably just thinks I'm depressed about the loss at Regionals. Which is partly true but also so wrong.
Eventually I hear Finn coming home. His truck (a birthday present from my dad) pulls in and a few minutes later I hear him come down the steps into our room.
"Kurt?" he asks "you okay?"
I don't reply.
"Okay, I know you're torn up about this but we were all talking about it at the party and just because Glee club isn't over that doesn't mean everything it stood for is over".
Something snaps inside of me and before I can control myself it's all coming out. "Do you honestly think that Puck is going to stop throwing me in dumpsters, that Quinn will stay nice, that Brittany and me will stay friends? Because that's what all you popular kids are. You're hypocrites! Glee was nice for you and it was fun while it lasted but you will neverleave your past behind Finn. What you were before is what you will always be!" I sink back into my bed and close my eyes.
I expect a reaction, a contradiction of what I just said but all that I am met with is silence.