Roxanne Ritchi stepped out of the shower on a Saturday morning already in a bad mood. Today, she'd woken up with the beginnings of a migraine pricking at her skull, on top of also suffering with her usual menstrual cramps and heavy flow that seemed to grip her at the worst times every month. She quickly dried off and decided to throw on something casual and loose-fitting for today. What was the point of dressing up when she didn't have anywhere to be? Besides, she wanted to be as comfortable as possible so as not to aggravate her cramps any further.
She supposed she should consider herself lucky; she had known many women throughout her life who complained of far worse menstrual symptoms and cramps that could double you over and practically make you vomit from pain. Still, periods were not fun, even if the symptoms were milder than what others had to go through.
Just as she was about to reach into her medicine cabinet to grab some ibuprofen, she saw movement out of the corner of her eye. Before she had time to react, she recognized the all-too-familiar metallic gorilla arm reaching around her bathroom doorway and holding a can of knock-out spray in front of her face. How Minion was able to get into her apartment without making a sound was beyond her, but before she could move or say anything, the spray was released. Great. Just what I needed today. And I didn't even get the chance to take that ibuprofen… Her thoughts faded along with the beginnings of exasperation that started to build in her chest as the spray took effect, and she slumped gently against the wall and was promptly hauled off.
When she awoke, she found herself, as usual, tied with her arms behind her back to a flimsy metal chair in the middle of what she knew had to be Megamind's lair. She shifted to test her restraints and noticed that her ankles had been bound as well. She thanked God she'd decided to wear something comfortable or else this would be a lot more unpleasant.
The spotlight from above irritated her still-forming headache, and she wished she'd been able to down the painkiller before Minion whisked her off. Why today of all days had Megamind chosen to kidnap her? Couldn't he have waited until the beginning of the work week? She knew her cycle well enough to know that her menstrual symptoms would have died down at least a little by then.
It was then that his famous, massive leather chair turned and he greeted her, donning all his best leathers, spikes, and flowing blue and black cape. "Well hello, Miss Ritchi. Having a fun weekend, are we?" Roxanne huffed out a frustrated sigh. She was not in the mood for back and forth banter today.
"How long is this going to take, Megamind? Today is not a good day for a kidnapping, and honestly, I'd just like to go home and relax." All the usual playfulness and spunk were absent from her tone. This took Megamind by surprise, but he wasn't about to give in to her game.
"Oh ho, I'm sure you'd love it if I released you now, wouldn't you? Well, you won't be going home to relax until your precious Metro Mahn comes to rescue you." He quirked an eyebrow at her, encouraging her to play along with him, but she was unwavering.
"Is it possible to dim that spotlight a little? It's really giving me a headache." She doubted he would take her seriously, but it was worth a shot. The bright light was driving her crazy.
Megamind took that opportunity to tease her. "It's giving you a headache, Miss Ritchi?" He chuckled evilly and continued "Then I shall make it brighter!" Just as he was about to flip a switch to presumably make the light even brighter, Roxanne's voice stopped him.
"Please, Megamind. I really don't feel well today. Could you just dim the light a little? It would help a lot." Something in her voice resembled a plea, and although she wasn't one to beg for mercy or bend to his will, the tone of her words, though firm, were asking so gently and politely that his heart gave a slight twist in his chest. He softened a bit then, turning his chair to face her and absently ordering Minion to dim the light. He rolled closer to her so he could survey her condition better.
Indeed, she did not look well today. She thanked him, genuinely, as his expression turned from lighthearted to serious; he noticed that she was wearing no makeup today and that her clothes were much more casual than usual: sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt. She sat hunched forward (as much as she could be with her hands tied behind her) and her face was scrunched ever so slightly in what he deduced had to be pain. A pang of worry ran through him.
"Miss Ritchi… what's wrong?" He asked the question and she could hear the playfulness drain out of his voice. He was serious now. She looked into his eyes and could see his features were knitted into concern. Was he worried about her?
"Trust me, you wouldn't want to know. It's nothing you should be concerned about. Can you just let me go?" She waved off his question, hoping he would drop it, but had no such luck. Her lower abdomen twinged, and she wished she could rest her hand there to warm the spot, but her restraints were too tight to break free.
"You said you don't feel well. You also do not look well, and I'd simply like to know what the matter is." Megamind leaned back in his chair, expecting her to answer. What was she going to say, that she was on her period? She paused and thought for a minute, trying to come up with something that he wouldn't be able to reason was a lie, but knowing his intellect, nothing she could say to fool him would actually succeed in fooling him. Damn. Guess I have no choice. She sucked in a breath, knowing that he could do any number of evil things to torment her with the information she was about to give him, but deciding to tell him the truth. Anything to get me home faster.
"Alright. Fine. If you really want to know. I'm on my period. You happened to catch me on a particularly bad day of it too. Thanks a lot." She shot him an irritated glare and he picked up on the sarcasm in her thanks, but otherwise, he was utterly and completely confused.
"Wha-… On your period? What does that mean?" Her eyes widened at that. He was the smartest being on the planet. Was it possible that he really didn't know what a 'period' was?
"You know… a menstrual cycle?" She clarified, hoping that would clear things up for him, but his blank expression and slow shake of the head told her otherwise.
Her mind immediately thought back through his history and she remembered that he was raised in a prison with all male inmates. He'd probably never spent much time with women besides her, and she sure as hell had never talked about personal details like this in front of him until now. No wonder he had no idea. Still, she dreaded the thought of having to explain this whole process to him, which is what she knew would have to come next. She glanced over at Minion, but his expression was as blank and confused as Megamind's, so her hopes of him having the knowledge to explain were dashed.
She sighed heavily and leaned her head back against the cold metal of the chair, closing her eyes. "Oh my God. I can't believe this is happening." Megamind shot Minion a puzzled glance, but the henchfish simply shrugged his massive shoulders. Finally, Roxanne opened her eyes and looked back at him, trying to think of the best way to explain.
"A menstrual cylcle, or 'period' as it's often called, is something that happens to women of the human species. It's related to the reproductive process, I guess." She paused to glance at the two aliens, but they were completely engrossed in what she was saying, so she continued. "Normally, a woman's uterus, the place where babies grow, is lined with extra… tissue each month to prepare for a possible pregnancy. If she conceives a child, nothing happens and the extra tissue stays. If she doesn't conceive a child, the extra tissue is forced out, along with varying amounts of blood and an unfertilized egg, through the… vagina."
She could feel her face flush as she carried on. Both Megamind and Minion's eyes went wide, but they continued to listen intently. She supposed it was good for them to know, one way or another. "This occurrence happens every month… well, technically every 28 days, but that varies a bit from person to person. Usually the bleeding lasts anywhere from five to seven days, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. The symptoms that come along with this bleeding usually include irritability, mood swings, and cramping of the uterus, which can be very painful. That's why I was trying to take some ibuprofen before you nabbed me, Minion." She addressed the ichthyoid alien directly. "Well, that, and I happened to have a migraine today. So yeah. I pretty much feel like hell right now."
She looked back to Megamind and found that his face was flushed a nice shade of lavender, and he was staring at her with the widest eyes she'd ever seen. Minion's face looked quite the same, though if he was blushing (Could be blush?) she couldn't tell. If possible, her face flushed a shade darker, and she looked away. "So there you have it," she finished, wanting so badly to just go home and lay down for a year.
Megamind made a few strangled noises deep in his throat before he finally choked out "M-Miss Ritchi… I… I had no idea… That's… awful. You, you must be in terrible pain." To her surprise, he quickly moved to untie her restraints. Was he really going to let her go home before even attempting to scare her or call Metro Man? That was a first, but she didn't protest.
"It's not that bad, really. I've been dealing with it every month for the past 13 years. It's bearable. Even more so with a few pain meds." Her cramps had subsided for the moment, and the dim light had lulled the pain in her head to a dull buzz, so she jabbed him playfully in the ribs after her arms were freed. "Why do you care so much, anyway? You're letting me go. Aren't you supposed to be the villain?" Then, half under her breath, she muttered "I expected you to laugh in my face when I told you all this."
He cleared his throat shakily as he bent to untie her ankles. "Well, I um… I don't obviously want my damsel to be in such a… deplorable condition! No, of course, it would be best for you to go home and rest so you will be in tip-top shape for kidnappings! After all, I can't have a sluggish victim, now can I?" He tried his best to smirk up at her, but it was weak, and Roxanne saw through it. She rolled her eyes.
"Minion!" Megamind called to his minion. "Reschedule today's plot for next week. The timing doesn't feel right and I believe it's going to rain today anyway, and such weather could short-circuit my… invention." He chose his words carefully so as to not give away his plans to Roxanne. "It's a pity you won't get to see it today, Miss Ritchi, it's quite amazing if I do say so myself."
She hummed in mock displeasure. "Aw, that's too bad. I'm so disappointed." She held his gaze for a moment, a bit of her usual spunk shining through her smirk. Her mood had lifted when she realized Megamind was actually going to let her go home. Minion finished rescheduling the plan and walked back over to her chair, already shaking the can of knock-out spray.
"Do we have to use the spray?" she asked, just before he pressed down on the button. She knew she would feel a tad dizzy after waking up from it, and she did not want to mix that feeling with her migraine.
"It's better than the forget-me-stick," Minion offered. Then he thought for a moment. "You know Sir, we could just blindfold her. She's already not feeling well, and the spray might make it worse." He turned to her and winked in such a way that Megamind didn't notice. In fact, he'd done it so quickly that if she'd been paying less attention, she wouldn't have caught it herself. She smiled gratefully back at him. She appreciated Minion more than he would ever know.
"Hmm, that might work. But Miss Ritchi, I want you to swear that you will never disclose any information about the location of this lair. I know you sneaky reporter types." He pointed a finger in her face and attempted to glare menacingly.
"Honestly Megamind, right now, I don't give enough of a damn to try to dig up information about you. I just want to go home and sleep."
His eyes flicked up and down at her before he stepped back and nodded. Then, Minion brought out a long piece of fabric and laid it over her eyes before tying it gently around her head. He led her to the invisible car and helped her into the back seat. Just before they took off, she heard Megamind yell "Until we meet again, Miss Ritchi!" in her direction.
"Don't count on it, Megamind!" she yelled back, though she knew for certain he would kidnap her again. There was almost no way of avoiding it and no way to know when it would happen. Though judging by what he'd told Minion, it would probably be sometime next week. Still, it made her feel good to yell that back at him.
Minion made no conversation as he drove her back to her apartment, and she didn't expect him to. She was content to simply sit and wait until he brought her home. She thanked him when he dropped her off, then immediately took a couple of ibuprofen before laying down to take a nap.
She tried her best to shove the events of the last hour out of her mind, but she couldn't stop thinking about the fact that she had explained periods to the smartest, most evil creature on the planet and his best friend. She shuddered, glad that nightmare was over and glad that Megamind hadn't reacted in a worse way. She still couldn't believe he hadn't made a joke of her and instead had actually caved to let her go home, but she wasn't about to complain.
Deeper than that memory was the thought that Megamind had actually been worried about her. She couldn't imagine that he actually cared about her, so she settled on the explanation that his apparent concern must have some link back to his plans. She was his hostage, after all. It was probably more of a possessive thing than anything else. Without her, most of his plans wouldn't work properly.
She convinced herself that that must be the truth as she drifted off to sleep.
As soon as Minion had left to take Roxanne home, Megamind hurried over to his computer (modified with a giant screen and three keyboards) to do some research of his own on menstrual cycles. How had he never known about this before? Clearly it was a significant event that happened to female humans. He supposed his prison uncles wouldn't have felt the need to explain such a thing to him since it didn't pertain to him, but he was still dumbfounded at the fact that he had no knowledge of this after living on this planet for practically his entire life.
He flew through article after article, garnering as much information as possible. The more material on the matter that he stored away in his inhuman brain, the more intrigued (and slightly disgusted) he became. The mere fact that women all over this planet were forced to suffer through such a disturbing occurrence on a monthly basis until they reached a certain age (which, from what he could gather, is when menopause discontinued it) made him view them in a completely new, awestruck light. Now, he finally understood the meaning of all those 'feminine product' commercials he had seen on television throughout the years.
He ignored the low hum of the brainbots as they hovered around him from a distance, curious as to what their "daddy" was up to. He thought back to all the times he'd kidnapped Roxanne and wondered how many of those times she may have been privately in misery, all the while dealing with his numerous contraptions and mechanical devices designed to bring her close to certain doom while she waited for Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes to rescue her. His heart sank at the thought that he may have made her quiet suffering worse.
Secretly, Megamind had long since admitted to himself that he cared for Roxanne, even if no one else, not even Minion, and especially Roxanne herself, knew. He'd known from the first day they had met that she was different from most other humans, and over the years, he'd grown a soft spot for her. As he went back and analyzed the conversation they'd had earlier that day, he was hurt that she'd expected him to laugh in her face about this 'menstrual matter' that she clearly had no control over. Sure, he was an evil villain, but he was certainly not that cruel.
His heart sank a little further when he recalled all the terrible things he had put her through, tormenting her when she was already in some degree of pain. He had no way of knowing just how many times she may have been menstruating on the days when he'd kidnapped her, but judging by the frequency at which the kidnappings occurred, he assumed it had been more than a few times.
Some way or another, he realized, he had to make this up to her.
For starters, he vowed right then and there to be sure to never kidnap her on days when she menstruated. Going by what Roxanne had told him and what he'd been able to research, he figured it wouldn't be too difficult to figure out her cycle and be sure to avoid kidnapping her on those days. He made a mental note to mark up his calendars for that.
Second, he decided he would need to give her something, something akin to a gift to subtly apologize for all the times he may have worsened her situation. His brilliant green eyes flicked back and forth and he stroked his goatee in thought as he brainstormed what exactly he could do. Just then, Minion pulled back into the lair, greeting the brainbots as he stepped out of the invisible car, but Megamind only half registered his entrance. A minute more of intense thought, and Megamind smiled to himself. He would need to make a trip to the store, but with the use of his holo-watch, he could easily pull that off.
He considered sending Minion out to pick up the supplies he would need, but decided that, no, he needed to do this himself. Roxanne was important to him and, though he would never admit it to anyone, her well-being was one of his top priorities. He would feel much more comfortable making sure this task was completed his way.
"Keep an eye on things around here, Minion." The sudden sound of his master's voice made the aquatic alien jump, having gone about a few chores in silence for the last few minutes. "I need to run a quick errand."
"Uh, yes Sir," Minion replied, looking puzzled. Megamind hardly ever performed his own errands when he or a perfectly capable brainbot could get the task done. But, he reasoned, his master almost always had good judgement, so he didn't question the odd turn of events.
Megamind set off with a determined expression, opting to take his hover bike instead of the invisible car to make his errand far easier than it would be if he took the car. Luckily, the bike, like the car, had cloaking technology installed, except instead of turning the vehicle invisible, it masked its features to make it appear as an ordinary motorcycle.
Twisting his watch, Megamind mounted the bike and headed off to the store under the guise of a random citizen he had scanned during his last prison break. He hoped his plan would ease his conscious a bit, and he really hoped, deep down, that it would make Roxanne feel better.
Roxanne awoke in a groggy state a few hours later, stretching, yawning, and checking the clock. It was just past six in the evening. She'd slept for longer than she'd intended, and she mentally kicked herself for not setting an alarm.
As she stood up shakily from the couch, she caught something sitting outside on her balcony out of the corner of her eye. Stepping closer to her balcony windows, she spotted what appeared to be some sort of basket filled to the brim with things she couldn't quite make out at this distance. Curiously, she opened the windows and came closer.
She bent to pick up the basket and was surprised to find that its contents included a generous box of assorted chocolates and a few full Hershey bars, a small bouquet of flowers, various pain medications including ibuprofen, Excedrin Migraine relief, and Midol, and a few packages of both tampons and pads. There was no note or card with a name to reveal who had left the basket, and there was no one around, but as she dug further, she found that the bottom of the inside of the basket had a capital 'M' symbol with little lightning bolts behind painted on with bright blue paint.
Megamind had sent this basket? Her eyes widened and she shook her head in utter disbelief. Why on earth would he do such a… kind… thing for her? She dug frantically around the contents, searching desperately for some kind of catch; a stink bomb, an exploding food item, some kind of disgusting insect or box of spiders or… or something nasty that would explain why he would send her what looked like a gift, but she could find nothing of the sort.
After standing completely still, in shock for a few seconds, Roxanne brought the basket and all its contents inside. She set it warily down on her kitchen counter and carefully inspected every item, eventually coming to the conclusion that everything inside, including the basket itself, was completely safe and harmless.
Slowly but surely, a small smile crept its way onto Roxanne's face. This was shockingly… pleasant and considerate of Megamind to do for her. Why he would do it in the first place completely boggled her, but she decided to ignore all the questions that kept floating around in her mind for a bit and just enjoy some of the goodies he'd brought her. She dug into the chocolate first.
Later that night, Roxanne allowed herself to accept the very bizarre fact that Megamind had actually done something nice for her, and, though she hated to admit it, her heart warmed at the thought that he might actually care enough about her to do something like this.
Though she never said anything about it, Roxanne noticed that Megamind deliberately avoided kidnapping her on her period days from then on. She found it a tad creepy that he'd apparently figured out her "schedule," but she was too grateful to be left alone to relax on those days to mention it to him. He did have an extraordinary intellect, yet she would never tell him she believed that, and she figured it probably wasn't very hard for him to decipher her cycle, given what she'd revealed about herself. (And given the amount of personal research she knew he had to have put into it; how else would he have known to send her chocolate of all things?)
And, to her utter astonishment (and secret delight), a small basket filled with goodies appeared outside her balcony windows every month when she menstruated. And somehow, they seemed to appear on days when she needed the supplies the most.
How an evil supervillain like him could go to so much trouble every month just to offer her this rare kindness while simultaneously wreaking havoc on the city, she would never understand.
But she appreciated the gesture nonetheless.
Author's Note: I know this is a totally strange idea, but it came suddenly to me one day, and it would not leave me alone until I finally got it written down. I thought it would be kind of funny to see how Megamind would react to Roxanne explaining periods to him, since he most likely wouldn't have any idea what that was. I tried to be as accurate as I could with Roxanne's explanation without going into too much gruesome detail, so I hope that wasn't too bad to read. I based Roxanne's symptoms on my own experiences as a person who deals with periods, so hopefully those were accurate as well.
Also a side note: I want to make it clear that I used the term "women" when describing people who have menstrual cycles to make the fic more in-character to how I believe Roxanne and Megamind would think, but I understand that not all people who deal with menstrual cycles identify as women. So, please understand that I was not trying to offend anyone. People with uteruses have periods, and people who don't have uteruses don't have periods; I understand that not every woman has a uterus, and not every person with a uterus is a woman. Does that make sense? I hope that makes sense. :)
Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave a review!