A happy, hoppy little bunny ran away with me while I was working on the sequel to In Ruins. I guess you can blame this story on how I'm a teacher and surrounded by (inappropriately flirtatious!) high schoolers and their awkward romances, how it's summer, how much I long to go on a road trip now. Anyway, I'm sorry for everything. But only a little bit. The littlest, littlest bit.
. . .
And into love go streaming
by Lanie Kay-Aleese
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There's a hard knock behind his knee and then he's on his back, eyes grappling to fix onto a fiercely blue sky and there's Ow! Pain! and players swarming above him like bees.
It went so fast that Shigeru doesn't know exactly what happened, beyond that he's hurt and probably out for the game. It's not the pain, but the disappointment that overwhelms him now - he'd had such a good set-up for a goal, and nothing should've been in his way. Nothing.
"You gonna be all right, Shigeru?"
He picks out Satoshi's voice, shakes his head, focuses. Satoshi is standing over him, with his hand out, and Shigeru takes it gratefully. The grip is slick-hot with grass and sweat, and it pulls him to his feet. He breathes in deeply. His ears are ringing - he must have come down on his head - and he can hear their team captain yelling something obscene behind him.
"What the hell's Shinji so mad about?" he asks Satoshi. "I'm the one who got run over, not him."
"Yeah, but the other guy isn't getting a red card. We all saw him kick you. Are you sure you're okay?"
There's no time to answer. The referee blows his whistle just as the words leave Satoshi's mouth, and the game resumes, forcing Satoshi to take off at a sprint to return to his place on field.
All the way to the sideline, Shigeru keeps his eyes locked on Satoshi, who is shooting across the grass with more determination, Shigeru thinks, than skill. No one can keep up with him, and won't even bother. It's not like he'll manage to do anything, even when he gets the ball. He was always running after Shigeru, when they were kids…
Their team managers, Hikari and Airis pull Shigeru aside as soon as he crosses out of bounds. Hikari places a cold towel on his head, muttering something about the ice having melted, then dashes back to the edge of the field to speak with the other players and stand beside the referee, who looks like he could press 150 kilos without breaking a sweat. Airis, meanwhile, leads him to the bench. She pulls up a bucket in front of him, and sits on it. Her hair almost completely blocks his view of the game. With effort, she draws his attention away, asking after his leg.
"Satoshi sure is enthusiastic, today," she comments airily as she cleans the dirt off of his knee and shin. There are ugly red indentions and some blood from the other player's cleats.
"Yeah," Shigeru agrees.
Airis catches him smiling. "It's sweet, you know. How you guys are such good friends."
"We grew up together."
"So that's why he doesn't treat you like an upper classman." Airis hums as she checks his bruise, and the inflammation of his joint. Then she gets to work applying an ACE bandage to his knee. She is obviously in a very talkative mood, spirits high. "Hikari told me that he joined for you when he was a freshman. Is that true?"
"Probably," Shigeru admits. "But it's as good a reason as any. Soccer's not actually my favorite sport, but it's the only one with a schedule that works with chemistry club."
"You don't have to do two clubs," says Airis, confidentially. "If you want to focus on college exams next year, I think everyone will understand."
"Thanks, but I don't think I will. We need to get the energy out somehow," he says, but before he finishes she has pushed aside his leg to jump up and shout aggressively at the players on the field and he finds himself ignored. There's been a ball change and the keeper on their team is outside the box, leaving them unprotected.
Shigeru watches eagerly. Satoshi appears completely covered, but not for lack of trying to open up his position. It's Dento's fault, if anything, but either way Satoshi seems to be having fun out there.
It surprises Shigeru that he had just assumed Satoshi would quit the club, if he weren't a member anymore. He wonders why he had said that to Airis.
It's a bit strange, isn't it? That sort of thinking.
.
"What is it?" he asks.
"…Hmm?"
Shigeru turns from his locker and peers at Satoshi. He's sitting on the bench across from him, in a pair of navy boxers, looking as aloof as a star.
"Didn't you just say something?" Shigeru tries again.
"No. Why?"
He fights down the frustration rising in his chest. 'Why.' How do you answer that question when you are the one who asked it first?
Satoshi has started drifting off into space a lot, lately. It's only been happening for a year or so, though until now Satoshi has never trailed off mid-sentence as he's just done. Maybe that means it's getting worse. Of course, it's hard to say that for sure when you don't know what "it" really is.
He is fairly certain that Satoshi's aware of his problem, if not Shigeru's preoccupation with it. But Satoshi hasn't talked to him about it, and he believes that Satoshi wouldn't keep something from him without a good reason. Shigeru likes knowing reasons; no, he needs them. So he's decided to find out what it is. That's an observation, see? It's settled - it's like stones. Hot in the sun, cold at night, worn down by rivers or feet. But whatever. The point is, they never move.
He sprays deodorant under his arm, waves the particle-heavy air away so it doesn't dry on his face.
"Never mind," he tells Satoshi, who appears to have come back to himself, replete with goofy smile. "Just… hurry up, or we'll be late for class."
"Not until you spray again." Satoshi is pretending to hold his nose. "You really stink."
"I don't, and you know it."
"They say that when you get really injured, sometimes you get infected and then your body starts rotting out," Satoshi comments. "They say people smell like garbage…"
"Thanks for the concern," Shigeru's voice is thick with sarcasm, "but I'm pretty sure that you can't get gangrene from a couple of bruises."
However, after he leaves the locker room and waves goodbye, he looks it up on Wikipedia. Because you never know with Satoshi - he's not the best at school, sure, but he has a more attuned intuition than anyone else Shigeru knows. Probably more than anyone else he'll ever know. It's kind of amazing.
.
Shigeru wanders by Satoshi's house one Saturday, mid-morning, and finds him sitting at the stoop with his pet dog, Pippi, and a bicycle tire laying across his lap. He is painstakingly pressing the rubber around the rim. Shigeru reads the words Louis Garneau on the frame, and guesses that Satoshi is making the bike from scratch, because how else could he afford it?
"That's a pretty nice body for a road bike," he says.
"It's a mountain bike. But yeah."
"What do you need one of those for? There's nothing outside of town but rice fields and forms." Unless you went off-road, but that's all private property for at least 50 more kilometers before the national forest. And Satoshi may be in shape, but it's not like he (or anyone he knows, really) has the time to do a 100-kilometer circuit in a day, just for fun. Some days Shigeru doesn't even have time for himself except when he's in the shower.
"I know."
Satoshi seems too focused on the bike to give him any more attention.
Shigeru sits beside Pippi, rubbing its ears and getting a few happy licks in return. Pippi is almost 8 years old now. Satoshi had insisted on getting a pet all his life, and his mother finally gave in when she finalized the divorce. It was strange. Shigeru will never forget how disappointed Satoshi was on his birthday. He came over with a frisky Chiba puppy bouncing on a leash, bright beady eyes glistening as it attached its mouth to anything it could find. "Why doesn't it like me?" he'd said. "It seems to like you just fine," Shigeru had responded, but Satoshi had nearly had a fit. "No! I don't want it," he'd shouted. "It doesn't listen to me. It doesn't seem to… to know anything! It pees in the house!" Which had made Shigeru laugh. After all, it was just a dog. What else was it supposed to do? Shigeru had made fun of him for being childish, and Satoshi had stormed out and not talked to him for days after that. But eventually the puppy grew out of it, and Satoshi entered junior high with Shigeru, and things worked themselves out and gotten better than ever.
"So what brought this on?" Shigeru asks him.
"I've always wanted a bike," he says.
"You've got a bike. You ride it to the station sometimes."
"That bike's my mom's," Satoshi looks deeply offended. "It's pink."
Shigeru sniggers and gets a dirty glare for it.
"So, when are you planning to take this thing out?" Shigeru asks.
"Well, summer break is coming, isn't it? We'll have at least two weeks in between the soccer club training camp in July and the club practices in August. I want to go to the beach."
"If you want to go that bad, it's only a couple of thousand yen on the JR line."
"Yeah, but that's not the same. I want to bike there."
Shigeru isn't sure whether to laugh at Satoshi's audacity or just to accept it. The only beach he knows - not just shoreline, but a stretch of sand - is at least 120 kilometers away. That's nearly a 240-kilometer circuit. Satoshi must be insane.
"Come with me," says Satoshi.
"No way."
"Come on," Satoshi insists. The tire is fixed to the bike now, and he spins the wheel once, testing the gears. It whirs like a fan, mesmerizing. It makes Shigeru think.
He'll have to ask his grandpa, obviously. But it's not like his grandfather would notice if he vanished for a week, much less a few nights. The research keeps him at the university most nights past 10 p.m., as it is. And Satoshi can't go alone. Who knows what he'd get up to? It's more reasonable to say yes than no, isn't it?
"All right," he says.
Satoshi jumps up. "Great! That's the greatest thing ever!" he shouts, and bounds into the house. Pippi follows him up the steps as far as his leash will let him, barking enthusiastically as Satoshi calls after his mom, informing her about their plans before even Shigeru has gotten to hear them (apparently, Satoshi has been quite busy planning this in his head). Shigeru just lingers in the door, smiling because what else can you do when you've witnessed a whirlwind of happiness, and been irrevocably blown away?
Satoshi's aunt, Maimi, wanders from the woodwork to give him a puzzled look before returning to her vacuuming of the hallways. He is bending down to take off his shoes when he realizes that Satoshi had been so excited to tell his mom their plans that he'd run inside without even toeing off his shoes.
It's in that moment he realizes that he loves Satoshi. And it feels light; not something to be surprised or weighed down by, or anything. It's just an observation, like saying that he is standing at the entrance to a home, and hasn't yet come in because he has been wearing shoes. It's like love is a different world, and he's glimpsed it for the first time, and it's just beyond this room, where Satoshi is waiting.
.
But it might drive him crazy.
Not because the love is too strong - that's silly, because it's always been there, and he's been fine with it all his life, so why should it be drowning him now? No, it's Satoshi's habit. Though it hasn't gotten worse, somehow the idea that Shigeru definitely loves him compounds the pain of the slight. After all, he has always thought there was nothing that Satoshi didn't tell him. So why not this, whatever it is? Does Satoshi even know he's doing it?
Satoshi has undone his school tie, and is whipping it in circles and flicking it against poles and postal boxes as they walk down the street after practice. The lights in the sky are already low, dulled, and stretching everything out into the horizon like smeared chalk and pastels. Everything is loud and quiet all at once: their footsteps are audible, synchronized as they are, but the sound of tiny cicadas in chorus have cloaked traffic intersections to a place just out of sight. Satoshi's bike rolls gently between them, in Shigeru's hands.
And there is something that Satoshi isn't saying. He keeps opening his mouth and shutting it.
Shigeru finally caves in.
"What is it?" he demands.
"It's a beautiful sunset."
"That's it?"
"Of course," Satoshi's voice is innocent. "Why? Is something on your mind?" His smile doesn't quite reach his eyes.
Shigeru doesn't know what to say.
He almost believes that Satoshi knows, and is just waiting for him to give away his only secret, trying to set up a chance. But that's wishful thinking. There's no way Satoshi could know about his inappropriate feelings. Satoshi wears his heart on his sleeve - if Satoshi knew Shigeru was in love with him, it would be obvious. And that goes both ways. If Satoshi were in love with anyone, Shigeru would know it, too.
A little voice protests in the back of his mind: if he understands Satoshi so well, then why hasn't he figured out what's going on with him yet? But this voice isn't helpful and doesn't give him any advice.
"It's nothing," Shigeru says, for the hundredth time. And because saying that makes him feel stupid, he starts talking about Satoshi's upcoming Biology exam.
Biology is Satoshi's worst subject (though it was Shigeru's best lsat year). He explains to Satoshi again the way a plant reproduces, how its cells break apart inside of it, in order to be born, and it helps a bit, somehow. It makes him feel smart, and even more importantly, it makes him feel needed.
.
Shigeru stands against the wall outside Classroom 1-B and 1-C, content to loiter in the hopes Satoshi will come out. He usually goes to the bathroom during the long morning break. But for all Shigeru knows Satoshi could be sleeping across his desk right now, depending on how hard he studied the night before. The difficulty of being in different years is that you can't just wander into the other classrooms. He'd have to pull aside some random lower classman to go and pass the message on to Satoshi that he wants to meet, and then people would talk, and it would become a thing. He just wants to hang out for a few minutes. What's the big deal about that? High school is so complicated sometimes.
"Ookido."
Shigeru looks up. The voice belongs to the keeper from soccer club, a third-year student named Hazuki. Shigeru straightens up and bows rapidly. "Hazuki-kun."
"What's going on?" asks the tall boy. His voice is surprisingly friendly. Shigeru doesn't talk much with him, so he can't help but be slightly suspicious.
"Nothing," Shigeru says, drawing out the words. "I have a study period next…"
"Ah, that's nice. Study halls." It's not lost on Shigeru that Hazuki has no reason to find that interesting; after all, he only comes to school for soccer practice now that he'll be taking the college entrance exams in six months. Shigeru looks at him pointedly, waiting.
"I'm looking for Satoshi. You seen him?"
Ah. That's why he's here. "No. Not yet."
"This is his classroom, though, right?"
Shigeru flinches, but tries to keep his face straight. Hazuki doesn't know anything, he reminds himself; he's not accusing him of stalking Satoshi or something, like a lovesick girl and… Oh god, is that what he's doing? How pathetic.
"Yeah, it is," says Shigeru. "Do you want me to get him for you?"
"Actually? No. Seeing as you're here and all, I think I'll ask you what you think, first."
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line conversation with: Satoshi =^^= on 7/6 (Friday)
Shigeru
So, when did you get good at soccer without telling me? (16:56) Read
Satoshi =^^=
what are you talking about (17:03)
we play on the same team (17:03)
Shigeru
Well you could've mentioned it at some point (17:05) Read
Satoshi
I score points every game… (17:08)
Shigeru
I know that. (17:09) Read
Satoshi
so what the hell lol (17:09)
[attached: blondeidiot. jpg] (17:09)
… shigeru? still there? (17:17)
Shigeru
Where are you? (18:22) Read
Are you at Mister Donut's again? (18:22) Read
Satoshi
I'm at (18:22)
Yes (18:23)
how did you Know that (18:24)
[attached: shockedpandaindress. jpg] (18:24)
Shigeru
Great, buy me a Pon de Ring. I'll see you in a second. (18:28) Read
Satoshi
seriously how did you know that? (18:30)
ugh fine but you better pay me back this time
donuts don't grow on trees (18:33)
that would be so awesome though can you imagine (18:34)
a donut tree (18:36)
Shigeru
You're making one aren't you? (18:43) Read
Satoshi
what…(18:43)
why don't you just come inside and talk to me like a normal person (18:44)
and stop making stupid faces (18:44)
you're terrifying the waitress (18:45)
[attached:img_ 3777. jpg]
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"…I'm uploading this photo of you on Facebook now so everyone knows that you are retarded," Satoshi announces as Shigeru pulls out the chair across from him.
"Fine. I'll put every single picture I have of you in PJs with a teddy bear on my Timeline when I get home."
"Better now than later," Satoshi says with a tone that resembles optimistic resignation, and places his phone on top of an open textbook. Shigeru's pretty sure he didn't actually post anything. "How did you know I was in here, anyway? You weren't really standing outside the shop, messaging me for twenty minutes, were you?"
"That's for me to know and you to wonder," Shigeru replies. He's going for mysterious, because it somehow seems more embarrassing to say that he just knows Satoshi so well that he can guess at any given time where he'll be, than it is to say he was trying to play a stupid joke on him. Even a joke that sort of failed.
Shigeru reaches for a donut. There are six of them piled on top of each other, and the flakes of frosting scattered over Satoshi's homework evidences that several other pastries must have already disappeared before Shigeru came in. It's a pretty impressive feat of donut engineering.
"So it's crazy, isn't it?" Satoshi blurts out. "You heard it all from Hazuki, right?"
"Yeah," Shigeru nods. "Hazuki told me that when Shinji made the team at Waseda University, they asked him about other talented players he knew. He sent some tapes of the last game, and they wanted to know more about you. To see if you'd be interested in going varsity when you graduated."
"Actually, that's not all." Satoshi takes a bite of his next donut with obvious pleasure.
"Really? What'd I miss?"
"They're sending an agent to the next practice - They want to talk to me about club soccer."
"No way." Elation and surprise swell in him like a balloon. He struggles to contain himself, to stay composed. After all, if Waseda is that serious just from seeing a few tapes, Satoshi might have a chance at doing more than play soccer in college. Which is sort of unbelievable. He can't imagine Satoshi going pro. Maybe wearing the Samurai Blue uniform someday. It's just a crazy thought.
"You're kidding. That's freaking awesome."
"Yeah, I know."
"Seriously. I didn't realize that you had gotten so good."
"Yeah, you already said that!" Satoshi frowns. "I can't tell if it's a compliment or an insult…"
"If it's an insult, then it's to me, not you. I guess I wasn't paying attention to the right things."
"What do you mean, 'the right things'?" Satoshi asks, wiping his fingers on his wet napkin and looking at Shigeru intently. He seems genuinely curious. Which makes sense because it's a stupid thing to have said, since it has such an embarrassing explanation. What is he saying? "Oh, you know," he covers his self-consciousness with a loud voice, "I should've focused more on your statistics. No offense but you can look a bit artless out there."
"Give me a break! So what if I can't do any fancy ball tricks, I don't see you getting recruited by Waseda University," Satoshi points out sourly. But he seems to take the answer for its value at the surface. Shigeru feels a moment of relief - and then is shaken.
A large boom echoes from the distance. He, and the rest of the room, collectively turn toward the window.
"Hey, what's that?"
Shigeru snaps his fingers. "Fireworks!" he exclaims. "I should've guessed, what with all the yukata I saw..."
"Oh." Satoshi jumps to his feet. "Let's go watch!"
"Don't you have-" Another firework lets out a crackle of small explosions in the distance, punctuating his sentence halfway through. "-homework?"
Satoshi is already tossing his pencils into his bag at random, with his notebooks quickly following. "It's not important!" he says. "Come on!"
"All right, but when you end up getting three hours of sleep tonight, don't blame me…"
"It'll be worth it," says Satoshi with conviction. And that makes Shigeru feels warm inside his stomach.
The fireworks are pretty dramatic, at least in part because they're the first ones Shigeru has seen this year. He and Satoshi weave through the crowd, watching brief images of light in the midst of darkness shoot above the top of the crowd's heads. The eruption of oohs, aaahs, and clapping seems like little echoes of the fireworks ricocheting off the crowd.
"There's no good spots left," Satoshi complains.
"Only if you're worried about your uniform. There's plenty of places on the walkway…" But he doesn't really feel like getting treaded on, himself. He scans the median of the street by the park. Everything's been roped off, and blue tarps form a patchwork over every flat space as far as he can see… "What about over there?"
Some ways away, there's a patch of grass visible between a few picnicking families.
"Good eye," Satoshi says to Shigeru, approvingly. "We better get there quick."
They duck through the crowds for about 50 meters or so, hearing fireworks go off beyond them, conscious not to block anyone's view until they find their seats. The first thing that Shigeru does is kick off his shoes. The grass is itchy, but at least the blades smell fresh and are cool on his bare feet. He is conscious of Satoshi rolling up the bottoms of his slacks. It's humid anyway, but all these people do make it a bit too…
Well, as long as it's forcing Satoshi to undo the top buttons of his oxford, there's no reason to complain, is there?
Shigeru sits back on his hands and watches the intensifying display. Satoshi has been quickly distracted by a little child collecting leaves, and is helping her find a few near their feet. The little girl's grandmother has silver hair bordering on a purple shade, and it lights up in new colors with every blast of gunpowder. It feels like the world is being re-painted one burst at a time. It's really exciting and soothing all at once.
"It's great, isn't it?" says Satoshi.
"Yeah. I didn't think you'd be one to say that, though," Shigeru comments. "I always remember you liked going to see fireworks for the snow cones and yakisoba more than anything."
Satoshi sits back, wrapping his arms around his knees, and focuses on the sky. "Well, those things are nice, too…" A firework falls in time with Satoshi's voice. "But this is good enough for me."
"Me too. I guess we've grown up, huh?" As he says it, Shigeru is surprised to feel his throat tighten. Is he really getting emotional? No. No way. He's just getting thirsty. He coughs.
"Hey, do you need some water?" Satoshi digs out a water bottle from his bag.
"Thanks."
Shigeru drinks some, and passes it back to Satoshi, reminding himself that it's just water. It doesn't mean anything. This isn't romantic. Just because they're watching fireworks together and sharing a drink, it doesn't mean anything.
"Uh… So our trip."
The topic is unexpected. "Yeah? You been thinking about the details?"
"No. I mean, yeah, I have, but… I don't think we can go anymore. My mom wants me to get a summer job instead," Satoshi says.
Satoshi's face flashes golden in the light. When the firework fades, and his face darkens again, Shigeru looks pointedly away. He knows he's not being rejected, but it hurts anyway, and he cannot explain why, even to himself.
"Do you really need the money?" he asks.
"If I join the club team, I do."
"I see. I guess-"
Shigeru is interrupted by sound. It's an earthquake of the sky, as if the Mares of Diomedes have been sent galloping above them into heaven. The crowd goes wild, and Satoshi, too; his laughter is louder and more sincere than the child in front of them. Even Shigeru cannot help but smile, upset as he is. The thrill of the moment helps mask the feeling that even these moments he and Satoshi can still share may be stamped with expiration dates, and it's no one's fault, not even theirs.
Shigeru thinks he understands. Even though he'd rather feel like this wasn't the beginning of some great separation, of a gulf that can only divide the two of them, he can't pretend that his and Satoshi's lives won't be going in different directions someday.
"I guess there's nothing for it. Maybe we can go biking together when we're in college," Shigeru speaks without emotion, and watches the fireworks collapse into the burgeoning red cloud below.
Satoshi does not answer. He seems to have retreated to that place where Shigeru cannot go. His eyes are glassy, reflecting the light, so that rings of fire seem to burst forth from within the black centers of his irises. Defeated, Shigeru sighs and stays silent and still; soothed and thrilled and tense with waiting.
He wishes he could take Satoshi's hand, but not even the real couples are doing that.
.
It's near the end of July, and the windows facing the apartment complex adjacent to Shigeru's are wide open to circulate the air throughout the room. His fan already finished its 180-minute cycle, and his futon cover is abandoned at his feet.
He has just closed his eyes - possibly already begun to dream - when his iPhone lights up with the announcement, You have a new message. Bleary eyed, he checks his inbox and finds out that Satoshi's sent a mail to him. It says simply,
Come outside.
It's bit too cryptic for this time of night, he thinks, but tiptoes down the hall and does it anyway.
When he opens the door, Satoshi is doing a good impression of Pippi when he's done something wrong, because his eyes are crazy big and black and pleading. He's wearing a backpack and has biking gloves shoved into his jeans pocket. And he has his bike. Shigeru pieces it together.
"Now?" he asks, incredulous.
"Come on, Shigeru. Let's go. Please."
He almost laughs.
"No. You're retarded. Let's wait for morning, at least."
"If you don't come, I'll go alone."
Shigeru puts his hand to his face. He hasn't even been awake long enough to yawn. "That's brash, even for you."
"Fine. Whatever. I need this." Satoshi turns on his heel, but Shigeru grabs the top strap of the backpack and pulls him back.
"Hey! Let go!"
"I will if you'd just listen. I didn't say no," Shigeru defends himself. He knows Satoshi; knows what he needs. And there's no way he could work indoors for two solid weeks without getting outside, or without needing to run away for a while. But going alone in the middle of the night probably isn't the best way to go about it. "Just give me a moment, okay? I have to change."
"Okay," Satoshi concedes. "But you better hurry up, or we'll miss it."
"Miss what?"
"You'll see."
Shigeru is confused, but decides it's not worth arguing over. He runs back upstairs, rushing. Satoshi can usually be taken at his word - if it's got to be now, then so be it. He considers writing a quick note and leaving it on his bed for Gramps, but it's likely that his grandfather won't come in even if he thinks that Shigeru is unusually reclusive and unresponsive. He grabs his wallet and his phone, puts them in his pocket, and turns off the lights behind him.
.
After four and half hours of solid pedaling, and only a short break for some carb loading at a convenience store - because it is the middle of the night and neither of them thought to eat before they left - Shigeru feels he might not make it much further. He thinks back to his world history textbook and the story in it about the first Marathoner. That Greek guy died at the end of it, hadn't he? That story sounded melodramatic and stupid when he read it, but now all he can think is how it could actually happen.
Still, he doesn't want to stop. He feels… surprisingly good. There's a tail wind that keeps him from growing completely hot and discouraged. And there's some thread of enthusiasm that Satoshi has, and it's tugging Shigeru behind him on a string.
The countryside really is different. Unlike in the city, the sky grows progressively lighter as dawn approaches. Everything around him is entering a shadowy lavender realm, interrupted only sometimes by the high beams of passing trucks. But more or less the world is heavy with waiting, gathering the strength to burst out into its true color and form. Shigeru focuses on Satoshi's back, a good distance ahead of him, the tension of his shoulders. It's still too dark to see, but surely there's a dark splash of sweat going down the ridge of his spine…
Shigeru slips into a trance without realizing it, and does not register, for a long time, that Satoshi is pointing at something ahead. Only when he slows down and shouts at him does Shigeru sit upright in his seat and take heed. However, Satoshi's words are hard to hear, and Shigeru is left wondering what Satoshi is trying to tell him, as always.
"What?" he asks, for the thousandth time.
And looks.
The black night is just phasing out. As the light filters in at the edge of the earth and the sky, in a rice paddy before them a flock of birds are taking off in the thousands. Hive-like, the starling's silhouettes are thickly clumped at first, but gradually they break apart from each other, revealing along the line of the earth a floating peach with a bite taken from its side. It is bright, it is glorious. It is the sun. It is his heart is throbbing in his chest.
"Do you see that?" Satoshi cries.
"Yes!" Shigeru shouts out, because - with his entire being - he is longing that the hole in his heart could be filled by another floating body like itself. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
And they fly towards the eclipsed sun, scattering asphalt pebbles as they roll.
.
At 6:30 a.m., Shigeru has only 7% battery life left on his iPhone. The GPS shows that they're about to dead end into the sea, so he reluctantly turns it off and gives over their journey to the road.
He and Satoshi have not spoken again since the eclipse, even though they've slowed down significantly, and are now riding on the shoulder of the single-lane highway, more or less side by side. Perhaps, he thinks, there is more to talk about than there are words. Or perhaps they are just too tired.
Gradually, the air changes. A seagull joins them overhead for a while, luxuriating in a breeze that is either too high or too thin for Shigeru to feel. As they, at long last, approach the beach parking lot - it is a bunch of pine trees overhanging a flattened space of dirt and grass - Satoshi lets out a whoop. He throws off his backpack and drops his bike, indelicately letting it fall on his things as he takes off toward the water at a bow-legged run. "C'mon, Shigeru!" he cries, but doesn't take the time to look behind and see if he's being followed.
Shigeru puts his bike against one of the trees. Picks up Satoshi's and places it next to his, too, and downs a gel pack of Pocari Sweat in a single gulp. He can hear the sea beneath the clicking of cicada song, and instead of opting for the path from the parking lot, he follows it, climbing the sand hills that have collected outside the beach. Near the top, his foot tangles in a bunch of vines, and too tired to even kick it off he just treads on and uproots a runner. He crests the little dunes and then arrives. The horizon is still grey with morning, undefined, but a deep and certain blue at the bottom. The water leads on, infinitely to his right and left, and before him is a beach empty of anything but a few birds and Satoshi. He's easily a soccer field away. In his exhaustion, at least this is what Shigeru presumes, he has plopped himself down at the edge of the tide, and lays flat on his back with legs akimbo. Foam is collecting around his hair, spreading it out like the tresses of a black anemone.
Shigeru finds Satoshi's footprints, and follows them, tracing the path where evidently he had wheeled around, splashing in and out of the surf before collapsing at last.
And laughs quietly.
He strips off his sweat-soaked shirt, then his pants, with his phone and money - his shoes come off last, which is a sign of how tired he is - and wades into the water up to his knees.
It is as cold and wonderful as ice candy. Shigeru sighs with ecstasy, embracing the cold clutches of the sea water. He'd let himself float on the waves if he didn't think he'd fall asleep. It is surprisingly difficult to tell himself that doing so would be bad.
"Get in all the way," Satoshi's voice rises up from behind him. "You smell."
"I do not." Plus, Shigeru is far away enough that there's no way the smell could have reached him.
He turns around to say so but stops.
This time, looking at Satoshi is dangerous.
Satoshi's pants are halfway undone, as if he'd tried to take them off but ran out of motivation halfway through. He looks tousled, mussed. His shirt is rolled up halfway over his chest. He is still breathing heavily. This what sex probably looks like, or what Shigeru wants it to be. And god damnit, he can't hide his reaction because he was the smartass who took off his pants.
Defeated, he wanders back into the ocean, and dunks his head under the waves a few times for good measure.
It makes a small difference.
Still, he is too tired to fight the tide any longer. He leaves the waves and lies down next to Satoshi, feels the wet sand sink beneath him. Rubs at his eyes because the salt is stinging there. The tide is actually creeping away from them; laying them bare so that the sun may ascend and dry the sweat and salt to their bodies. He is aching everywhere, and just wants to sleep.
Satoshi shifts to face him. "We didn't make it," he sighs.
"What are you talking about?"
"I wanted to see the sun rise over the ocean like that. It was supposed to be a once in a lifetime thing."
"It's all right," says Shigeru. "At least we saw it. I would've slept through the whole thing if you hadn't made me come with you."
"If I lose my job over this, at least you're happy."
Shigeru laughs. He should've guessed that Satoshi was skipping his part time job to go on this adventure. He probably made the decision as soon as he'd seen on the news that there'd be an eclipse, and only given himself just about as much time to prepare as he'd given Shigeru. That wasn't more than, what, six hours ago? The idiot.
"Don't start regretting it now. Coming here was a good idea, Satoshi."
"Yeah." Satoshi smiles to himself. It's unexpectedly cute.
"How did you find this place? We used to go vacation further south growing up." It was a different type of beach, as well; a broken cuticle of land curving around the edge of the sea. Here, there's not a half-kilometer of shoreline before rocks and cliffs invade the sand. But there are also no other people. "To be honest, I'm just amazed that no one else is here, with cameras and stuff," Shigeru says. "You know, to see the eclipse."
"Well, they probably would've wanted to come. But this is a private beach."
"Are you serious? How did you know about it, then?"
"My dad's company took us here on a picnic once when I was a kid. We smashed watermelons together, made sandcastles. Collected shells. You've got seaweed in your hair."
"What?"
"Seaweed." Satoshi has picked himself up on one arm, and reaches out to touch Shigeru's head. Sure enough, he brings back a dark, leafy piece and waves it around. Shigeru realizes he has forgotten to breathe.
"Oh. Thanks," he says.
Satoshi reaches out again. "There's more…"
"Hey, I can do it myself." He pushes aside Satoshi's hand.
"You can't see it. Let me."
"Seriously-"
But Satoshi's already picking through his hair again, bold and nonplussed. "Almost got it," he says.
A few seconds go by. Shigeru counts them because he, once again, is overwhelmed. He's waiting for Satoshi to stop so he can stop fighting to hold himself together. It shouldn't be long. But Satoshi's not finished. He's sliding his hands through Shigeru's hair, ruffling it. No more seaweed falls out.
Shigeru glances at Satoshi's eyes, sees how concentrated they are on the task and then suddenly he feels it. It hits him like a sucker punch. The knowledge is unmistakable, a luminous truth. Satoshi must feel it too, because he looks down from Shigeru's hair to meets his eyes.
Shigeru knows.
It's like all the atoms bouncing in space have collected where their gaze connects. It's hard to breathe. There's so much wanting. Fear. He has no idea what he is doing, but he feels himself moving forward, being pushed toward Satoshi by a pressure he can barely comprehend.
When Satoshi blinks, and shuts his eyes, Shigeru hesitates. He's so close. So desperate, that it makes him afraid. Is this happening? Is it really all so easy?
Satoshi's hands are still in his hair. He can't tell which of them is trembling, but he decides he doesn't care.
He gives in at last.
The tide sweeps in along the beach, and a seagull calls out and the wind sweeps through grass on the dunes and stirs up pine needles and bugs, and Satoshi kisses him. His heart is beating faster than ever, like it's going to run out of his chest. But his mind is slowing down, chugging just to process the hand and lips and everywhere and he has no idea what he's doing with any of it. Except that it seems to be working. Satoshi isn't pulling away. Satoshi is right alongside him, nose brushing against his own. Which is crazy. Which is wonderful.
He breaks the kiss down. Tries to catch his breath while still running his hands through Satoshi's wet hair and around the edge of his ears, rough with bits of sand. He wonders if this is a weird way to touch a person, but Satoshi doesn't seem to mind. Who knows what's going through his brain?
"Satoshi…"
"Hmm."
Brown eyes crack open beneath long lashes.
Had he never noticed how pretty they were? He claims to have loved Satoshi, secretly, but has been spending so much time on everything else that there was to see - the way he moves, the strong lines of his shoulders, the firmness of his stomach, his laugh, the things he never put into words - that he's missed such an important detail as this. His freaking eyes. It's like a new world has been opened behind them.
He should probably tell him that. Right now, they should talk about… feelings. That's what people do, isn't it? Try to rationalize the primal instinct that they share between their bodies?
But Satoshi's eyes are smiling as he says Shigeru's name and kisses him again, and Shigeru moans Satoshi's name into the kiss. Why should they ever stop to speak anything more than that?
.
Of course, there are uncontrollable factors; things that prevent him from doing everything he's dreamed of doing all at once. Most of it is exhaustion rather than restraint.
The sun has risen at least two hours in the sky since they gave in to each other, and the tide is far enough away that they are closer to land than sea. The water has mostly evaporated from their clothes, strewn out on the sand.
Shigeru finally is too tired to kiss without seeing stars, so he and Satoshi are having breakfast. He is holding a rice ball in one hand and the other is joined with Satoshi's hand. It's hot and dizzyingly perfect. They're still all but naked, sitting with their feet tangled together, and Shigeru has never felt more at peace - he feels like a beached jellyfish, limp limbed and clear-minded. It is strange to be too tired, too satisfied to think. Satoshi, hungry as he is, seems to be dozing with his eyes open. The expression on his face may be the most beautiful thing Shigeru has ever seen. He has no idea how he got this lucky, how this happened. He will care later. He knows it is important. But right now, the emotion is far less important than knowledge.
And to him there is only one more question that matters. He waits for Satoshi to finish eating, and gives in.
"What's going on with you?" he asks at last.
Satoshi's face arranges into a mask of confusion.
"You mean right now? Like… about the kissing?" The last word comes out hushed. This thread of uncertainty is so unexpected from Satoshi that it demands Shigeru bend down to kiss and nibble at the bottom of Satoshi's lip again to reassure him that the whole kissing thing is very okay, before answering.
"Obviously not that. I mean, when you don't have anything to say, but you act like you want to tell me something. You do this thing when you stare into space…"
"Oh," says Satoshi. He looks down, and the angle makes it hard to see his face.
"You know what I mean, don't you?"
"Yeah. It's nothing big. I'm just... thinking."
"About what? It's been bothering me for months," Shigeru presses.
"Then why didn't you ever ask me about it?"
Satoshi looks up, and the sadness Shigeru finds there takes him aback. He can't believe Satoshi is making him feel guilty for being considerate.
"I thought you would tell me if it mattered," he sulks.
"Well, maybe I didn't see a point." Satoshi huffs. He heaves himself to his feet, forcing Shigeru scrambles up to join him - and it's harder than he expects, getting back to his feet in the sand. Satoshi looks like he wants to smile, seeing Shigeru stagger, but can't summon the effort.
"Is there a point in telling me now?"
"It's not like that." Satoshi deflects. "It's got nothing to do with you. I don't know if I can even explain it. It's just a feeling I get sometimes, you know? Like those house cats you see pressed against the window all day."
"What?"
Satoshi grimaces. "I don't know. It just hits me all at once. And I feel like I'm sitting inside my body and looking out into a world that's not real. As if there's something beyond me, a place where I'm more alive than here."
Shigeru doesn't know what to say immediately, and Satoshi, sighing, doesn't wait for him. He walks out to the edge of the water. Shigeru follows him without speaking, trying to process what he'd said. How can Satoshi ever feel disconnected from the world? It seems impossible.
"You're right," Shigeru says as he comes to Satoshi's side. "I don't understand."
"I told you you wouldn't," Satoshi says, crossing his arms.
"No." Shigeru speaks firmly. "I mean, if you feel like that, then what does that mean for the rest of us?"
"…What?"
"You think I haven't ever had a moment in which I saw the world whirling around me and realized that I'd had no idea what was going on? Because I get that way sometimes, too. I realize, sometimes only too late, that I've been so wrapped in what I'm doing or thinking about that I've forgotten about the other stuff, outside of me. And I feel like I'm not part of it, either, and really impotent. That's human. Everyone gets like that sometimes. But, you…"
It occurs to Shigeru that as much as he claims to enjoy the components of science, observing and analyzing, he rarely has experienced anything meaningful in that. He's known since he was fourteen that reality is almost entirely made up of thought, and thought about those thoughts, and reflexes to stimuli people haven't even consciously processed. But, generally, he has been content to live in a world of empirical questions with objective answers. In a self-contained bubble of his mind, working in tandem with his body.
So, what it comes down to is this: he has moments in which he can transcend that, but they hardly count as epiphanies. They do not change his life, and they do not challenge his sense of being. And they're hardly frequent. For Satoshi to have those moments proves that, more than anything else, that he possesses incredible depth in his soul and an astounding openness in his heart. That anyone could be so empathetic, so aware of the limitations of his body like that gives Shigeru goose bumps on the back of his neck. Satoshi isn't just a free spirit; he is a spirit stuck unfairly inside bones and skin.
"It's really not weird?" Satoshi is searching Shigeru's face.
"No."
Deeply moved, Shigeru takes hold of Satoshi's hand and weaves their fingers together. He concentrates on the knobs of the bones knitted together beneath calluses, the cloying stickiness of humid skin and the smudges of grit and sand; all the indicators of a life lived too intensely.
"You amaze me," he whispers.
.
That evening, when Shigeru arrives home, everything in his room is as he left it. The first thing he does is plug his phone into an outlet. It comes back to life after just a few minutes, and he is only a little surprised - if disappointed - to find that there are no messages waiting for him. It seems that he'd been right about Gramps being largely indifferent to his presence.
With a great heave, Shigeru sits on the end of his bed, and when the mattress dips, he allows himself to fall backward all the way and stare up at his ceiling. It's a strange color, isn't it? The plaster. It looks nothing like the sky, and after a full 20 hours with nothing but that for a canopy, it's feels a bit… off. With great effort, Shigeru staggers to his feet. He's got to piss and brush his teeth before he can give himself permission to pass out for two days.
As he makes his way to the door, he stops and looks around himself. Really looks. Takes it in.
It's all a bunch of grey shadows, blocked in with different gradients. His window is the brightest point of them all, of course; it has been left open, and the thin white curtains are clinging to the screen, sucked out by a wispy breeze. It's the room he's always had, but at the same time, it isn't. It really isn't.
There is an assortment of sand pebbles that have been left on the corner of his blue duvet when he got up, and the little dots of grey and white are spread out along the wrinkles of the fabric like constellations. Shigeru thinks back to the image of the sun rising in the morning, and the moon jumping in front of it. He can't help smiling as he remembers the darkened front of Satoshi's house, and the guileless affection on his face after Shigeru kisses him goodbye.
The world is wonderful.
It occurs to him as he brushes his teeth that there's a whole body of things that might be like that, startling and perfect in a way that he's never noticed before. There are so many elements of life out there, and all around him, too, just waiting to be seen from a different perspective. Though he's read about it and always thought he understood the concept, he never felt the immensity of it until now. It's a little scary awesome. It feels like he has been gifted with more than just love today, but the door to the universe along with it. He wants more than ever to understand, to take each piece of the world inch by inch, and to pick it apart. What's crazy is, it feels like this is a dream he can truly accomplish. He can't wait for college, the chance to branch out. He stares in the mirror and looks at himself. This is him right now, seventeen years old. Just think what he, and the world, will look like in five years. Or ten. Who knows what's ahead?
Just before he goes to sleep, he opens line on his phone, almost hoping that Satoshi has mailed him again. Knowing Satoshi, when he got back inside, he collapsed in bed without even greeting his mother or his aunt. He debates telling Satoshi good night anyway. It's funny - it feels like something you would do for a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Which, as far as Shigeru knows, Satoshi isn't. The only thing about their relationship that's changed is that they've exchanged kissing for secrets. There's no reason for messaging him, Shigeru's certain, yet still he feels like it is something he needs to do.
He gives in to his impulses again.
No sooner than he has pressed 'send,' a second chat message flashes across the screen, almost simultaneously. He can't stifle a chuckle when he reads what Satoshi wrote him.
Shigeru
I hope your body hurts as much as mine does right now. It's only fair.
I will beat you up for this later.
Then kiss you to make it better. (22:44) Read 22:45
Satoshi
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (´・ω・｀) (22:44)
Shigeru delicately places his phone beside his pillow, as if it's an avatar for Satoshi and for every other good thing in the world. He feels like the sun had looked, climbing up into the sky as they chased it on their bikes, no longer blocked in part but whole.
The shadows have been chased away from the corners of everything. There's nothing that he or Satoshi is hiding anymore. He and Satoshi, if they want to, can do anything. If they can bike across three prefectures twice over, they can find time in their days to be together, no matter if Satoshi becomes a famous soccer player or if Shigeru holes himself away in a research lab. The entire world is open to them. The future is limitless, and it's light and light and light.
. . .
Doubt shall not make an end of you
nor closing eyes lose your shape
when the retina's light fades;
what dawns inside me will light you.
In our public lives we may confine ourselves to darkness,
our nowhere mouths explain away our dreams,
but alone we are incorruptible creatures,
our light sunk too deep to be of any social use
we wander free and perfect without moving
or love on hard carpets
where couples revolving round the room
end found at its centre.
Our love like a whale from its deepest ocean rises -
I offer this and a multitude of images
from party rooms to oceans,
the single star and all its reflections;
being completed we include all
and nothing wishes to escape us.
Beneath my hand your hardening breast agrees
to sing of its own nature,
then from a place without names our origin comes shivering.
Feel nothing separate then,
we have translated each other into light
and into love go streaming.
- Brian Patten