Auther's note: this is an experiment fic, this is just to see how well I can write in the first person... ; it's my first time, I hope you enjoy... R&R

Auther: Shinimikra

Title: Realizations

I do not own Gundam wing, or any of it's characters, this fiction was written for the purpose of enternainment, not sale. I am not reciecving any money for the production of this fiction, nor it's publication.

I looked into the small mirror and straightened my tie. It was really out of character for Relena to ask me out. She said she had to tell me something important, but if it was so important why didn't she just tell me what the heck it was over the phone. I mean it's true she's changed since the end of the war, I mean we all did, the small quirks and idiosyncrasies we had developed during the war just couldn't work in a peace time environment. Like Wufei finally worked that stick out of his butt, and asked Sally out, I think they are married now; that one still gets me. I mean Wufei married, to a woman no less, I don't know if it's just me, but I kinda figured him as gay. I mean he had such a problem with woman. Quatre had to grow a skin, I mean you used to be able to hurt that guy's feelings with a look. And then you got that damned, "I just kicked a puppy feeling." But I think it was Trowa that changed the most, he actually uses full sentences now. Of course he still hides behind that bang of his, but I mean he doesn't try to kill you if you hurt Quatre's feelings any more. Really, that guy doesn't have to. Apparently he's been researching forms of pain. Some times I'm afraid of what I might find if i searched their closet. Duo, I don't think changed much, of course he was always the most normal of all of us. I really miss him sometimes. He ran back off to the colonies saying he was going off to discover his past. I guess I understand where he's coming from, I mean not knowing your parents, is pretty hard. I for one can talk from experience, but I still can't help but wonder what happened to him. None of us have heard from him in over four years. I sometimes find myself mindlessly searching crowds looking for his stupid lopsided smile.

"I wonder what that girl wants now, I hope this isn't about that damned assassinated minister again," a few months after Relena took the presidency there were rumors of another colonial uprising, and the colonies sent an ambassador to earth to meet with her to calm the earth sphere's disquiet. But he was assassinated in his suite inside the presidential mansion. Now the colonies are all in an uproar over it. I am still shocked that Relena's administration has done more to shake the peace of the Earth sphere than to secure it. I was a total supporter of Relena taking office, thinking that the foreign minister of the previous administration being in office might help secure the new born peace. So any way it's now my job to find the assassin, and bring him to light. I had prepared a detailed report about my progress, which I will be the first to admit was paltry.

"Damned hair." I reached up and yanked at the brush that had become irreversibly locked into stands of my hair. I yelped in pain as it freed it's self from me, taking with it several strands of dark brown hair, I had been growing it out. I guess it's stupid, but Duo told me once it would look good on me. So i thought, "why not"about two years ago. I Surveyed the fruits of my labor, and smiled at my shoulder length hair in its loose ponytail. It parted down the middle, and hung low over my temples. A flashing caught me out of the corner of my eye.

"Damn it all, it's 9:00 already!" I yelped and rushed around the piles of laundry toward the door. And yanked it open, barely stopping to lock it behind me before belting down the stairs toward the apartment parking lot. I ran over to my reserved space under the over hang where my car was parked. It wasn't flashy but it got me where I needed to go, and it was surprising luxurious for an economy model. When I bought it, the sales man highly recommended it above the other lower models, I mean it was slightly more expensive but I guess it was worth it. I was surprised at how much I used my air conditioner. The automatic transmission bothered me at first, but it doesn't take as much out of my left leg to drive now. It took a lot of work to get my left knee operational again after the fall out of the alliance hospital, yeah my right leg broke, but that doesn't screw up a joint quite as badly as taking the brunt of the fall on an intact leg. It still hurts sometimes, but thankfully not that often. As much as I hate it when she sets up these meetings after dark, I have to admit there is far less traffic after seven. So I guess it kind of offsets the inconvenience to my schedule. I just wish she would pick a weekend to do this, but thank god she gets the next day off for me every time. I guess it's pretty nice to be friends with the president. I mean extra days of paid vacation, who can complain? At least it's a Thursday night; I can be ok with a three day weekend. I have to say that the problem with an automatic is that it's really easy to speed. With a manual, you have a better idea of your speed because you are constantly compensating for the gear's thread so you tend to be well aware of the speed you are going.

"Damn it!" I screamed as I smashed down the brake to stop in time as the light switched from green to red with out even flashing yellow. "Jesus, am I going to hit every red light in the entire town before getting there?" I looked around to get an idea of my surroundings, and noticed a small black hatchback purring loudly next to me. He had some trouble stopping in time too apparently as he had stopped in the middle of the crosswalk. I smiled at at the driver, not expecting them to see me in the dark. To my surprise they turned their head, and flashed me a toothy grin, and sent me a saucy wink. It was hard to make out if they were a guy or a girl through their plait of hair, and the dark didn't help. But I thought I recognised that grin from somewhere, the source escaped me at the moment, and before I knew it I heard the ear splitting shriek of tires loosing traction on pavement, and the black car shot out in front of me. Before I had time to register what had happened I heard honking from behind me. I looked in my mirror, and realized I was holding up at least five cars. I'm not quite sure how many it was, as the giant SUV a few cars back was obstructing my view. I realized then that the light had turn green a little while ago, and continued onto my meeting with "Ms. Relena."

I pulled into the parking lot of the small coffee shop we were meeting at just in time to see her enter dressed in the gaudy pink that I remembered from the war. I continued into the parking places looking for an opening, but all the while chewing over the flash of pink I had seen slip into the small diner. Relena, to my unimaginable relief dropped her obsession with that putrid color in favor of the more professional spectrum, and I caught myself wishing she had stuck to her usual choice in colors, they tended to be more becoming.

"Crap!" I shouted and slammed on the brakes, skidding to a stop mere inches from the rear end of pale SUV. I threw on my emergency flashers, and backed up a little to give the person room, and swelled with joy at my luck; usually I have to park across the street in order to get parking to this place. It always bothered me, that we meet at a coffee shop, at ten in the evening. I mean Relena's sense of timing has always been just a tad off, but when she first suggested it I thought she had cracked. But I have to admit in hindsight that a cup of coffee with friends after a hard day in the office can be pretty relaxing. I secretly found my self looking forward to our bimonthly meetings. However, something felt different in the air that I couldn't place my finger on, and Relena's return to that rather unsightly color bothered me, maybe more than it really should.

I stepped into the small shop and immediately spotted my company. I felt the icy chill of anxiety run up my spine as I surveyed her from door, she seemed distracted, almost worried about something. I clutched the manila folder I had placed my report in harder, as if trying to force courage out of the pile of paper, and absorb it, meanwhile wiping my free palm on my pants trying to rid myself of the sweat that had beaded up there. I took a moment to scan the rest of the restaurant. What can I say, old habits... and all that. Well anyway I didn't see anything obviously different from the last time hundred times I had been there with her, but something about tonight was still unsettling.

I stepped over to the table, and stood over it for a few moments, watching her, to see if she would notice me. She fidgeted with her dress for a few moments; always looking down as if she was ashamed of something, and it started to frighten me. After five minutes she didn't invite me to sit, or even seem to notice me at all. I started to second guess my self, and started to inch toward the table to see if she would even look up. It was kind of strange for her to be this despondent; she usually calls to me when I enter the door.

"Going to invite me to sit?" I asked softly with as much amusement as I could muster under the unusual circumstance. She visually jumped at the sound of my voice, but recovered remarkably fast with as much of her diplomatic charm as I had seen in a long time.

"I ordered your usual, Heero" she drawled a little to confidently for it to be genuine, but then again this was Relena. She is rarely genuine when she drawls. I just grunted, and nodded as I took my sit across from her and dumped the manila folder on to table in front of me, and praying to whatever god would listen that it was just a precaution, but then she had asked me to meet her on one of our off weeks. Not that I truly mind; it's just different, and I guess working in the beurocracy of the high level preventers I had come to expect consistency.

"So how is work?" Relena shattered an uncomfortable silence that had settled over us while I had been distracted be Relena's suddenly strange behavior. I'm afraid the fear must have been plainly visible in my face, as I rested my hand on the paper folder and slid it over to her. I felt my mouth go dry as she reached down for it, but she just opened it, flipped through a few pages, and closed it. If I didn't know any better I would say disinterestedly. She looked up at me catching my eyes again, and began to recite the newest political rumors. I just sat back deciding to play along with whatever game she was playing, for now. Right about then the waitress showed up with two white cups filled with black steaming liquid. I politely listened to whatever Relena was prattling on about, and waited for the lady to finish serving us, and leave us in peace. I wanted cut to the heart of the matter. I waited until the waitress was out of earshot before I rounded on Relena.

"Alright cut the crap, Ms President, why the hell did you call me here?" She was obviously taken aback, and I could see the anger distort her features, but I didn't wait for a response. "I thought you and I had gotten past these stupid formalities. What's with the sudden resurgence?" I waited a moment before pointed adding, "Ma'am." I was surprised when she looked down defeated, and blushed, just a little too brightly.

"I'm sorry Heero," she mumbled. I'm afraid I must have been staring, because she quickly added, "is an apology from me really so bizarre?" I did my best to regain my composure, but it still bothered me; the way she seemed to be embarrassed around me tonight.

"Well, you called me here to tell me something, I'd kind of like to know what it is." Relena looked away from me, and out the window to right. We always sat in the same spot, in the east corner, she said it was for privacy reasons, but if you ask me; I think she wants to see the sky. I think she misses space. I guess she was the foreign minister for a reason. She interrupted my brooding in a small and far off voice.

"You know; you act more, and more like him every day." What was she talking about? "You must miss him; what's it been three, four years?"

"What are you talking about, Relena?" A flash of frustration rippled across her face, and she regarded me for a second before continuing.

"How long has it been since you've heard from Duo?" She practically spelled out. I felt anger welling up in my stomach, and it must have shown, as she shrunk back into her seat a little.

"I don't know, and what makes you think I would miss that, Baka!" it might have come out a little harsher that I had wanted it to, but I guess it got the point across.

"You loved him, I could see it! But, he isn't coming back. You have to accept that." I'm actually glad that that she had us meet that late, because the place was mostly empty. Of course the small group of people who were there; I very much suspect were watching our little scene play out in the corner damned intently.

"What?" I'm sure I spat into her face. Of course by then I was too mad to realize what I was doing. "Anyway, why do you care?" Her response deflated me a little, and I guess I should have expected it, but it totally caught me off guard.

"I won't give up, Heero. I love you."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I don't know how I got home, but I guess I did safely; all except this damned head ache. I can only guess I had been drinking, but really, I couldn't remember anything about last night. After Relena had made her little confession to me. God, I can't believe she did that, I mean, did she think it wasn't obvious? How many times did I tell have to tell her I just wasn't interested in her. I lifted me hand to cover my eyes. Normally I love to lay back and watch the light filter through the white curtains of my bed room, but this morning it was just too intense. I snatched at the covers to pull them over my head, and curled up in the comforting dark that they offered.

I guess I had fallen asleep again because when I opened my eyes again the light in my bedroom seemed stronger, but it was softer, more indirect. Normally I would have a pretty good idea of what time it was, but my internal clock must have been drown in the astounding amount of alcohol I had consumed last night. I started to put together the fragment of memories, and slowly constructed something that resembled a plausible situation. Apparently I had gone to a bar, and drank myself under the table. Anything after that was just a big blur. I remember speaking to someone, I think we were in my car, but I couldn't be sure. The rest is lost to the alcohol haze.

"Damn it, didn't I pull you over my head?" I growled a little too angrily at my covers, and sat up to snatch them from where they had pooled around my waist. The sudden movement made my head spin. I can only assume I fell back down onto my pillow because when I came back to I was laying on my back, and to my eternal frustration the covers had slipped further down my legs. That was when the brunt of my hang over hit me. I pulled myself to the edge of my bed and dry heaved onto the floor. I guess this would be a good time to mention, that I don't handle alcohol very well, and hangovers even worst.

"Who are you talking to, hun?" I didn't recognize the voice at first, and jumped out of bed, and backed up against the wall. Which I'm sure you can guess did wonders for my hang over. When the haze of pain finally faded enough to allow me to open my eyes, I saw Relena in my bed. My god damned bed, and what's worse she was wearing one of my night shirts, and by the looks of it nothing else.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I shrieked. Now I'm sure you've guessed that shouting is not conducive to hangovers. I reached for the sides of my head trying to keep it from splitting down the middle, I felt my knees go slack and the rough surface of the wall behind me rub against bare skin. Wait, bare skin? I was wearing underwear I was sure of it, but why was I not wearing a shirt? Right about then it struck me, what the situation I was in looked like. I raised my head and looked at her dumbfounded, trying to put something intelligible together before just spitting out something I would regret.

"Why the hell are you in my bed, Relena?" Oops, too late. The look she gave me served to infuriate me more than anything. She looked a little embarrassed, and a little confused, like I had done something wrong. I tried to collect myself; I mean yelling can't really help in this situation, can it?

"There was no where else to sleep." She said it so softly I almost didn't hear it. "I brought you home from the bar. You don't have a guest bedroom, or even a couch, so where do you suggest I sleep?" It made sense, but still something was nagging at me. What if, I did something, I mean I was drunk, or even worse what if she did something, and in my state, didn't or couldn't refuse her. I could feel icy fingers of anxiety touch my spine, as the idea of sleeping with Relena slowly sunk in. I fell slack, and looked down at my legs, because I couldn't stand the thought of looking at the woman. Mutant thoughts began parading through my mind like: can it really be as bad as it looks, or if I was inebriated, and consented, can I still consider it rape?

"We didn't... You know... Did we?" I was mumbling before I could stop myself. Damn my mouth, maybe she was right, maybe Duo really did wear off on me. He and his damnable mouth.

"No, Heero." She replied, and it was the tone of her voice that surprised me. It was like she was holding back tears. I guess I could have handled this situation better, but I guess I just wasn't in my right mind. Before I knew it, I was snatching her clothes off of the ground, and throwing them at her.

"You can change in the bathroom, it's down the hall to your right. I want you out of my apartment after you have your cloths back on." the strangest part of it, was that I wasn't yelling; I had regressed into the cold voice I used so often during the war. Once she was out of my room; I changed into an old shirt, and jeans. I stepped out to the kitchen, and made myself a cup of coffee, it was soothing to drink the stuff. I even set out a cup for, my guest. I stepped out of the kitchenette, and over to the sliding glass door in the living room that lead to my balcony. I closed my eyes and leaned up against the glass. It's cool surface pressed against my body, and all I could think of Duo, I opened my eyes and looked out toward the sky, wondering if I would ever see him again.

"Maybe, I do love you..."