In DREAM TEAM Mac said something that, while seemingly innocent, was very telling and has been bothering me ever since.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
What exactly did she mean by 'yet'? I realize it was probably written in when it looked like JAG was moving to San Diego and Vukovic would be the 'new Harm' but since that didn't happen the 'yet' just seems to be begging for some serious analysis.
This, obviously, goes AU after Harm and Mac have their little chat in his office, which doesn't say much because, timeline wise, there was about two and a half days left for Harm and Mac to be in the same country without one of them making a major life change.
Please let me know what you think.
Mel
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
The words that had slipped so easily from her rosy lips echoed in Harm's head continually starting from the moment Mac had spoken them.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
Yet.
She hadn't said "we haven't slept together, if that's what you're asking". She had said "yet".
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
Three tiny letters that had the same crushing affect on his heart that a certain diamond ring had once had as it sat on Mac's right hand for several months and then on her left hand for a while longer.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
Harm had never thought it possible to have feelings of hate towards a word, but he was seriously reconsidering that point of view.
Yet.
Three letters. Two consonants with one vowel in the middle.
Yet.
Letters. Words. He had made a career out of letters and words, stringing both together to form sentences. Impassioned pleas. Opening arguments through closing arguments. Cross, re-cross. Direct, redirect.
Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me. Children, while naively brilliant in many aspects, had never been able to get that one quite right.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
Harm had thought of little other than those words all night. He had driven out to Blacksburg on mental autopilot and had spoken with Mattie's doctors for a while before sitting with her for a few hours. When the nurse in charge of the ward came in to kick him out he didn't fight her for the first time. Harm just kissed Mattie's forehead and promised to be back the next day and then he left, driving home without any real thought. He reheated some soup that Harriet had made up and brought by on the weekend but he couldn't eat more than a few bites.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
After giving up on watching the TV that was only there because Webb had left it there years earlier while trying to covertly help solve a decades old mystery, Harm took a shower and flopped down on his bed, praying that sleep would come to him and give him at least a brief repose from what was turning out to be a gut-churning statement.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
It was almost two in the morning before he got up the nerve to address the issue, and he knew that if he waited around for the morning to come he would lose his nerve again, so he got into his car and drove from his apartment that was near Union Station to her apartment in Georgetown.
His knocks went unheeded so, in deference to her neighbours, Harm used his key and let himself in, locking the door again after he was inside.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
She was asleep on the couch, files stacked up on the table in front of her, the lights on and the TV on quietly in the background. She was wearing fuzzy pink pyjama pants and a tank top that could barely contain her luscious chest and Harm took several long moments to take in the images before he went to her side and gently woke his partner up.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
"Mac, wake up," Harm said gently. He prayed that she wouldn't kick his six to La Jolla and backwhen she found out that he had let himself in at two in the morning.
Mac groaned and tried to move away from him, but Harm wouldn't let her. "Mac, I need to talk to you," Harm pleaded. "Please," he said softly.
Slowly Mac came around and frowned, confused more than shocked at the sight of Harmon Rabb in her living room in the middle of the night. She couldn't remember falling asleep but, apparently she had. "Harm? What are you doing here?"
"I need to talk to you," Harm said.
"And it couldn't wait until we get to work?" Mac asked as she rubbed her eyes and yawned widely.
Work. JAG. The place where Vukovic now spent his days. The place where Mac had uttered the heart-wrenching sentence that had been driving Harm insane since it left her lips.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
"If I waited I would lose my nerve," Harm admitted.
Mac looked at him for a minute and then nodded. "What's on your mind?" she asked as she tucked her hair behind her ears.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
"When we were talking today… what did you mean by 'yet'?" Harm asked.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
"Harm, I'm in no mood for guessing games," Mac said tiredly.
Harm sighed impatiently. "What did you mean when you said you and Vukovic hadn't slept together 'yet'?" Harm asked. "Does that mean you're planning on sleeping with him in the near future or that you're trying to find a way to make this fling work without screwing your careers up or what?"
"I hardly see how this is in any way your business, Harm," Mac replied coolly.
"Look, I know we haven't been all that close lately, but before Mattie got hurt I thought we were actually going somewhere, moving forward," Harm said gently. He had gotten in trouble more than enough times by going in too hard and fast against Mac's men in the past and he did learn from his mistakes, even if he didn't always act that way. "I… I guess I just need to know if the way I've been acting lately has… reversed the headway we've made in the past few months."
Mac closed her eyes tightly and then said, "Harm, this is really not an issue."
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
"I think it is."
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
"Fine, maybe it is, but it's not one that requires visits at zero-two-sixteen and it is certainly not an issue that needs to be addressed right here and right now," Mac said. Harm didn't even blink and Mac relented, too tired to fight with him. She tucked her hair behind her ears and looked down at her hands. "But, since I know you're not going to let this go, I guess we're going to talk this out right here and now. Can you at least let me make some coffee? You woke me up from the first real block of sleep I've had in weeks."
Harm nodded guiltily and Mac got up and padded into the kitchen, starting a pot of coffee and waiting for it to drip down into the pot before making two cups and bringing them into the living room.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
She curled up at one end of the couch and looked at Harm for a minute before she spoke. "You're right. For the past few months I thought that maybe you and I were finally… I don't know. Getting back to the way things were in the beginning. Before Paraguay and Australia, before you went back to flying, before I left JAG for the deceptively un-glamorous civilian life…" she trailed off, knowing that he knew what she was trying to say.
"Back when our friendship was the most important thing," Harm said softly.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
"Exactly," Mac nodded. "And I'm not going to lie and tell you that I'm not hurt by how you've been pulling away since Mattie got hurt, but I can't help but think that if I had taken that call from you while I was in San Diego things would be better between us right now." She took a sip of her coffee but found it hit her stomach like a cannonball and she set the cup down on the coffee table. "And I hate that the reason I didn't take that call was the fact that I wanted to spend time with Vukovic."
Even though he had been the one to force the conversation, Harm really hadn't been prepared to hear Mac say that.
"We… Vukovic and I had a… uh… a moment, I guess you could say. We were talking and he made his intentions very clear. I was… flattered…" Mac admitted, finding the words harder to get out than they had been to realize, and that was definitely saying something, "but other than an inkling of physical attraction that I can't seem to deny, there's nothing there. Certainly not something worth risking my career over, and definitely not something worth risking my relationship with you over," she said softly.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
He had to ask. He wished he didn't feel that way, but he had to ask. "Then… if it's not worth the risk… why 'yet'?" Harm asked.
Mac shrugged. "I don't know. I… I don't know. I didn't even realize I had said it until you came here tonight," she admitted. She looked at Harm. "Is Vukovic the reason you've been pulling away from me since Mattie got hurt?"
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
"Maybe a little," Harm admitted, though he did recognize Mac's attempt at changing the subject. Mac looked at him, shocked. "Mac, I think everyone knows by now that I care enough about you to sit back and watch you create a life with someone else if that's what you really want. Plus… Mattie needs me. Tom's drinking again and things are still so shaky where her health is concerned… and Mattie is one of the things I've always been sure of."
Not even trying to hide how hurt she was by the fact that she hadn't always been the most reliable person in Harm's life—she had always known that but hearing it directly from him was something else entirely—Mac pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs tightly, curling up as tight as she could. Maybe making herself into a smaller physical target would help cut down on the connecting emotional shots.
"You want to know what I want the most?" Mac asked softly.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking."
Not wanting to admit how completely lost he was on that count, Harm decided for a flippant answer instead of saying nothing at all. "A good man, a good career, and lots of comfortable shoes?" Harm asked, remembering their conversation from the beginning of their partnership.
Mac shook her head. "I've got the career, I've got the shoes. What I want most is you, Harm."
It took a lot to shake Harmon Rabb Jr. Mac herself had only been able to do it a handful of times during the nine years they had known each other. But hearing her say, flat out, that she wanted him threw Harm for more loops than a handwritten alphabet contained.
"If it was just about sex Vukovic could be the answer," Mac continued, seemingly unaware of the fact that Harm's mind was currently orbiting Pluto. "But what I'm feeling now… what I've been feeling for a long time… is… I… I want more than just sex. I want friendship, intimacy… love…"
This time it was four letters that conspired to change Harm's world completely.
Love.
"I know that the same reasons that we've never gotten together still stand—work, other people, our own personal histories, yadda, yadda, yadda—but in any relationship there have to be compromises, sacrifices... and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be with you, Harm. I've been trying to find the right time to tell you for months, now, but with everything with Mattie and all our cases and everything…" Mac said, trailing off. She looked up at last, her eyes searching for Harm's, finding them easily.
As many things in their relationship had been, and would remain, the motion was unspoken, as was the emotions driving them to action. But it didn't matter because they were on the same wavelength at last.
Mac uncurled her body as Harm leaned in and slipped his hands over her belly and around her back, caressing her exposed skin with his slightly callused fingers while she tangled her own fingers in his hair. They rested their foreheads together and just enjoyed the closeness for a moment before it got to be too much and they couldn't hold back any longer.
Their lips touched tenderly at first, wanting their first kiss that didn't have extenuating circumstances—the final farewell of a doppelganger lover, a goodbye at an engagement party for a wedding that would never happen, a crafty matchmakingfriend who had pointed out that they were standing under a sprig of mistletoe—to be everything that a first kiss should be.
She tasted like sweet summer raspberries, Harm noted with great pleasure, and she felt like warm chocolate. He chuckled softly when she made a soft purring sound in the back of her throat when his tongue snuck out and swept over her lips.
They kissed until the need for oxygen became apparent, and then they only pulled far enough apart to look into each other's eyes.
Breathing heavily, Mac smiled brilliantly at Harm. "Damn, sailor," she said breathily.
Harm grinned and nuzzled her nose with his own before brushing his lips over hers and pulling back a little. "How do you feel about being the mother of a rebellious teenager?" he asked.
"I think that even though she may not have your looks and my brains but she's still perfect," Mac said softly. Though she longed to give Harm a child of his own, a son to carry on the Rabb name or a daughter for him to dote upon and protect, Mac knew that the chances were slim that they would ever get the baby with his looks and her brains or her looks and his brains that she had been dreaming about ever since the tumultuous day that little AJ Roberts was born. "Does this mean I'm allowed to visit Mattie now?" she asked.
"I never said you couldn't," Harm said innocently.
Mac swatted at Harm before curling up against his chest. "Can I go back to sleep now?" she asked as she snuggled against his body.
"Wouldn't you rather go to bed?" Harm asked as he ran his fingers through her hair.
"Mmm… I don't sleep with guys before we've had a first date," Mac mumbled, a sleepy smile spreading over her lips.
"Funny, Marine," Harm said before scooping her up in his arms and carrying his precious cargo to the bedroom.
The next day Harm and Mac had lunch with Bud and Harriet who they hadn't really had time to see lately. Other than work they hardly saw Bud because he was either working tirelessly at JAG or working tirelessly at home, and Harriet had her hands full with their four little boys.
"It's nice to get together like this again," Harriet commented. They all knew that she missed being around all her friends at JAG but it was also well known that she wouldn't give up the time spent with her children for anything in the world.
"Yeah, it is. We should make this a regular event," Mac said.
"Definitely," Bud agreed.
They chatted for a while, catching up on the happenings at the office and getting updates on the boys and Mattie, but, before long, Harriet caught on to the changes between Harm and Mac.
Cutting Bud off in the middle of his impassioned recount of little AJ's baseball game the weekend before, Harriet said, "Okay, what's up with you two? Something is different…" she trailed off. "Oh my god!" she exclaimed when she realized what had changed. "When?" she asked, her eyes darting between the two dark haired lawyers.
"Last night," Mac said. "Or, early this morning, really. No one could ever accuse this one of having great timing," she added, nodding to Harm who frowned in mock offence at her comment even though he knew it was the truth.
"What's going on?" Bud asked, clueless as ever.
"They finally came to their senses, Bud," Harriet said as if she were explaining something to a child. "They're together now." She whipped her head around to face her friends. "You are together now, aren't you?" she asked.
Harm and Mac shared a look before looking back at Harriet.
"We haven't slept together yet, if that's what you're asking," Mac said with a playful grin.