Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, am merely borrowing them for the purposes of this story.
Rating: T for language.
AN: This is my first attempt at TWD fiction. This is set at some point in late S5, but really is just an excuse to have Daryl and Carol talk and say things they won't ever say on the programme. I'm calling it angsty fluff. All feedback welcome.
Gentle
They've been on the move since sun up, wearily trying to make their way back to something close to safety.
To their own version of normality.
For Carol it has been a long day, but a healing one of sorts. She finally let herself adjust to being back with them after her banishment and then sudden and fractious return. She has begun to accept that this is where she belongs, regardless of what that might have cost her.
And of what it will continue to take from her in the days she has left.
But tonight she wants nothing more than to lay down her head and try and lose herself in a few hours of rest. She feels like she has been scorched from the relentless heat of the sun, and aches for the pathetic sort of luxury she will enjoy now that they've managed to secure an abandoned house to sleep in tonight. There is not enough room for all of them, but that doesn't seem as important as the fact that they have lived through another sunrise and will endure another tomorrow after enjoying something approaching a good night's sleep.
They huddle together in the kitchen to eat a meagre dinner. If she is 'cooking' Carol has long since abandoned trying to make these meals anything other than they are; calories and a simulacrum of comfort. But the few foraged tins of vegetables, ham, and sliced fruit are consumed as quickly and enthusiastically as if they were actually tasty rather than merely partially filling empty bellies.
"Everyone got somewhere to sleep?" Rick doesn't wait for an answer before he continues, "I got first watch, then Glenn after me – everyone else get some rest. We'll work out what comes next in the morning."
With Rick on watch, Carol had expected to have Judith with her for the night but feels something approaching relief when she notices Maggie take the child into the small bedroom she claimed earlier with Glenn. Maybe tonight she will actually be able to close her eyes and find a little peace.
"You fixin' to sleep anytime tonight?"
She smiles at Daryl's gruff tone, allowing herself the incredible pleasure of looking back into his expressive eyes for a beat too long before she replies.
"I will, don't worry. I'm out of practise, and missed out on bedrooms or sofas, so I was thinking the kitchen floor would be my mattress tonight."
"You want company?"
She smiles again as the warmth of his words flushes over her, indulgently allowing herself to acknowledge – if only to herself – that this man is her happiness and home. Conscious that it is dangerous to allow herself the luxury of acknowledging this affection even for a moment, she clips her longed for response and falls back into the safety of how they are with each other.
"That an offer to take me to bed Daryl? I'm overwhelmed."
He blushes adorably, shaking his head at her in acknowledgement of their practised dance.
"Stop woman. It's you or sharing the hallway with Eugene and Abraham – an' you smell better an' don't snore so much. Come on now, I want to take my boots off and talking here ain't getting that done."
"Maybe I want to share with Eugene – what if he smells better than you and doesn't snore as loudly as you do."
"Carol…"
"Fine, sorry. Sorry. I'm tired, I mean I know you are too, but I'm just so tired. Of course I'll be your camp mate, ignore my snipping."
"Nothin' to ignore, just glad you're here."
The matter of fact acknowledgment almost brings tears to her eyes, and Carol curls her fingers into her palms to stop herself from reaching out to touch him. She wants to reach out for him and have him enclose her in his arms the way he did when she was returned to them. She wants so very much to have him solid and warm, and safe against her. But that is not their dance, and she refuses to be selfish enough to ask for more when Daryl has already given her so much. Instead she follows him to the kitchen, looking forward to the opportunity to spend a precious few hours alone with him in relative privacy.
"Got a couple of blankets an' some cushions, thought it might make most sense to put them down over by the back wall."
"That's fine. I could sleep standing up so a soft blanket seems almost too good to be true."
"Don't promise they're soft, but glad to be inside tonight – Judith shouldn't be spendin' all her nights outside."
For once Carol doesn't stifle her response to his innate kindness, instead she brushes her fingers softly against his wrist as they spread the blankets out to give themselves somewhere to rest. The wonderful jolt of awareness when their skin touches never fails to amaze her, but she keeps her eyes on the task and hopes Daryl will forgive her for the unasked for contact.
They both collapse onto their own sides of the makeshift bed, taking off their boots and weapons before laying back in the blue blackness of the night.
They have spent countless nights lying like this, close enough to know the other is safe but far enough away to respect each other's privacy. Carol lays on her back, closes her eyes, and settles down to enjoy listening to Daryl breathe. She refuses to acknowledge that counting his steady inhalations brings her comfort, but she smiles despite herself at the sweet comfort of his presence.
"You're smilin' about something. You dreamin' about food again?"
She opens her eyes to find Daryl laying on his side, closer than she thought, regarding her with an amused affection that almost takes her breath away. She rests her joined hands on her stomach and tries to calm her instinctive reaction to his presence, and form some sort of sensible response to his gentle teasing.
"I wish I were dreaming about food. I didn't know I was smiling, you want me to stop?"
"No I like it. Ain't seen you smile in a while is all."
"I know, I'm sorry. Been working through some things."
"You worked them through?"
Her instinct is to reply in the affirmative, to nod her agreement and then whisper to Daryl that they should rest. But tonight something about his nearness makes her want more, makes her want to confess her thoughts to someone whom she knows in her heart would never judge her.
"I'm getting there, Daryl. I am. I can tell you I'm not going anywhere, I'm not leaving. I don't want Judith, or Carl for that matter, to be spending their nights outside any more than you do. We're going to find something better than this, and I'm going to help with that. I'm going to do whatever it takes to protect them, and all of us. Okay?"
Daryl nods his acceptance, unconsciously moving slightly closer to the warmth of Carol's presence as he resists his barely acknowledged need to touch her.
"We'll find better than this, just gotta be patient a little. And not run into anymore goddamn crazy people for a week or two."
She sighs in agreement, enjoying the gruff rumble of Daryl whispers, smiling a little to herself in amusement when the word "pillow talk" floats through her exhausted consciousness.
"You smilin' again woman, that's starting to be a habit."
"Don't worry, I'll be mean to you again real soon. But I've resolved some things that I had been worrying over, and it feels sort of good. And I won't have too many bugs biting me while I try to sleep tonight, so maybe that feels like something worth smiling about too."
"You wanna tell me what you worked out that got you feeling so damn good?"
At his words the compulsion to confess overwhelms her again, she wants so very much to be honest for once.
"It'll sound stupid. Besides, you need to rest Daryl Dixon and I'm not going to get in the way of that by boring you with my stories."
Daryl reacts instantly to her words, moving so he is looming over her and she can feel his warm breath on her face.
"None of your stories ever been boring to me woman. And we got plenty a time to sleep."
Outburst over he realises how close he has gotten to Carol, and immediately withdraws from her so he can lie on his side beside her. He is not touching but remains so close that Carol can feel the warm pull of their connection across the short distance that separates them.
Later Carol will come to understand that it was this feeling of pure want, of sheer rightness that caused her to confess all that she had previously kept hidden.
She turns slightly, removing her gaze from the ceiling so that she can look at Daryl instead. He is clearly exhausted, but the laser focus of his attention on Carol makes her heart beat faster in her chest. She smiles softly, knowing that her words will most likely scare Daryl to running to the hall to sleep but her decision has already been made.
"I've come to terms with how things are Daryl, with how I am. I can look in the mirror again and be at some sort of peace with the woman I see looking back at me."
Her words are a quiet whisper in the darkness and Daryl can't remember ever being more willing to listen to a woman, or anyone else talk. He tries not to breathe too deeply for fear that it might scare Carol into silence.
"I have scars on my body, from before. You know I don't usually talk about it, and I'm not looking for pity but I have marks that Ed put on my body. Marks that me being me the way I was back then let him put there. I know I should have been stronger, but I just wasn't able to deal with knowing violence like that could live in someone. I'm smarter now, seen worse violence than that. Done worse if I'm honest. So now my scars, these marks don't mean as much as they used to."
Unconsciously she lifts her shirt slightly as she talks about the secret marks on her body, running the tips of her fingers across a large burn that she has low on her stomach. Ed had been angry about Carol buying candles, irate at the waste of money – so he used her purchases to teach her a lesson about obedience. Daryl can't tear his eyes away from the brief expanse of skin that she has shared with him like some kind of gift. The soft, pale skin of her stomach seems to glow in the moonlight, extinguishing the glare of the angry remnants of her burn with its understated beauty.
"Anyway, I used to think that my scars meant Ed had marked me forever, that he was on me forever and that I would never escape him. And in a lot of ways he will be, but now if I look at them I see survival alongside the ugliness."
Daryl is afraid to blink, yet utterly terrified of where to focus his gaze. He wants to keep his attention on the soft skin of Carol's stomach where she has unconsciously draped her hands while she whispers secrets in the dark. More than that though he needs the connection they share when he looks into her beautiful eyes. Her expression is luminous in the moonlight, and Daryl doesn't want to miss a second of this contact.
She blinks at him owlishly in the darkness, gathering her nerve to continue with this unpractised confession.
"I don't believe in God anymore Daryl, can't risk the opportunity for comfort it might give me again one day. But I do believe I have a soul, and I know I've broken it and ruined it but I can live with that too. Everyone we have lost and everyone still here, everything I have done right, and all that I have done wrong – I wear that in my soul. I can bear it, and I feel its presence just as obviously as Ed's scars – but it's made me who I am left with today and I can't regret it. I would lose everyone and defile their memory if I couldn't accept and live with what I have become to keep those I love alive in this world."
"You gotta keep stayin' alive."
The words rumble from somewhere deep in Daryl's heart before his conscious mind has the presence to stifle them. When he realises the universe has not stopped because of this admission he reaches out into the darkness and lays his fingers on the sleeve of Carol's shirt, relaxing almost instantly from the salve of their shared contact. This emboldens him to repeat his most desperate plea.
"Keep stayin' alive."
She smiles at him, warmed from head to toe at the beautiful burst of love she feels for this man.
"I'm doing my best Daryl, if you promise me the same."
The slim fingers of her left hand curl against Daryl's where they lay again her shirt. She strokes his long fingers with her own, hoping he will forgive her for her neediness and for what she is about to say.
"You have to stay alive too, and tonight I am going to be selfish enough to ask you to do it for me."
She moves their joined fingers to rest again her heart, encouraged when Daryl offers no resistance to her touch.
"You can feel that I am still here, that my heart still beats. Some days I am amazed that it hasn't just given up, but I am so thankful it still does. It's where I keep Sophia, you know. She is with me every day, every long day without her she is always with me. Here."
Daryl reminds himself to breathe, and caresses her fingers where they rest against his own. He doesn't have the words to give voice to what he is feeling, but he hopes that his gentle touch tells Carol a little of what she needs to hear.
"I wish with everything I am that she wasn't living in my heart. I want her with me here. I want her in my arms again. I want her here so much that sometimes I think I might will her back to life if I were left alone to do that. But I can't afford the luxury of losing myself in the madness of that grief, so I keep her as close to me as I can bear. So she is with me in every beat of my heart."
She is crying now, silent tears rolling down her face. If Daryl could will himself to move his fingers from resting over the steady beat of her heart then he would wipe them away, instead he is enraptured by their path down her beautiful face.
Carol knows she has gone too far tonight, and is waiting for the moment Daryl will inevitably retreat from her overly emotional confession. But she has gone too far to stop the words that she wants to say out loud.
"You're in my heart too Daryl. I know that scares you, and I know it's not something you want from me but you are. It's too late to do anything about it now, you are in my heart right alongside Sophia. I'll do my best to keep alive, but I wanted you to know that my heart beats for you both."
She closes her eyes, equal parts exhilarated and exhausted by all that she has shared. The tears won't stop now, and she is ashamed that she has embarrassed Daryl like this. She allows herself to the count of ten till she opens her eyes to apologise.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry woman, stop that now."
"But I am. All you wanted was to rest and I cry all over you and embarrass myself. I'm sorry, truly. I can go sleep somewhere else."
His reaction is as instant and honest as it is uncoordinated. He moves his arm to Carol's waist to pull her towards him, so that her head rests on the same pillow his does. Their knees bang together at the unexpected contact, but Daryl pulls her closer to him so that their bodies are pressed together.
"You're not leavin'. You need to listen a minute and don' go deciding what I want, and what you need to be sorry for. You're in my head woman, you're always goin' to be in my head. I might not be able to talk about hearts or souls – but don't mean you're not with me. When I think 'bout doing somethin', I think 'bout what it'll mean to you first. It's your voice I hear, an' I look for it, I listen for you. I need it. I always wanna hear what you've got to say, I like how you talk to me. I like how I am with you – it's your voice I hear an' not my daddies nor Merle's that's in me now. You know what that means?"
She can feel his warm breath on her face, and briefly wonders if this is a dream or maybe a construct of her own will.
"Means you matter more to me than anyone, woman. Means you're you, an' I'm me an' you made everything better. Ain't never had any gentle or kind in my life before you, and never much felt like being gentle or kind neither. But even in this crappy world, you make it better by being gentle. And you being all those other things you do that weigh down on your soul, all of that makes you special an' doesn't make you any less gentle. There's nothin' I wouldn't do for you, and nothin' you could do that will make me stop lovin' ya."
She's frozen, unsure of how to react to the most loving words she has ever hear in her life. She's afraid the wrong words, the wrong response, will scare Daryl away and she'll wake in the morning and discover that this was a cruel dream.
"Stop thinkin' so hard Carol, and stop cryin'. Your eyes are too pretty to spoil them with tears. C'mere."
Daryl surprises her again by wrapping both of his arms completely around her and pulling her body flush against his in a hug. Instinctively she wraps her own arms around him and buries her face in the warmth of his neck. He smells of sweat, and long days of hardship on the road, and she know in her bones that it's the smell of home.
"Can I tell you somethin' else woman?"
She laughs a little at his gentle teasing, nodding her agreement from where her head remains buried against his warm skin. Daryl pulls slightly at this so that he can once again look into her eyes while he talks.
"Those marks you've got ain't ugly, and I don' wanna hear you talk like that about yourself."
While he whispers this to Carol, and regards her with the most intense affection that she can ever remember experiencing, he has manoeuvred so that he can rest his fingers against the soft skin of her stomach. His fingertips are tracing the line of the scar she spoke about earlier, and Carol has to suppress the urge to moan in pleasure at the perfection of his caress.
"An' I don' want you thinking that they mean Ed is with you, that bastard is long gone. I want you to think of me touchin' you there like this. I want you to think of me kissing you over and over on every damn scar you got till you come to think of them as mine and yours – of just some of the places on your body that were meant to be kissed. I'm gonna kiss them every damn chance I get."
He proves as good as his word as he ducks his head down and places a line of clumsy kisses along her stomach. Carol is breathing so heavily she can't believe the whole house hasn't been disturbed by her, and then truly fears this when Daryl flicks his tongue against the raised skin of her scar and she moans in agonised pleasure at the touch. She buries her fingers in his hair, and tries to remember if she ever felt this good before.
Daryl is almost drunk with the pleasure of his the feel of his dry lips against Carol, and he knows he would happily spend the rest of his life lost in her taste. He distantly wonders at the moaning he can hear in the background, trying to remember when Carol sounded quite so masculine. He is brought back to reality when he feels Carol's hold on his hair slacken, and the distinct sound of her very feminine giggles in his ears.
"You laughin' at me woman when I'm tryin' to be lovin' an' shit."
She reaches down and captures Daryl's precious face between her palms and guides him up to lie beside her on their makeshift bed. She leans forward and brushes her lips softly against his, and then just because she can, Carol repeats the action all over again before offering him a vocal reply.
"I'm not laughing at you Daryl, just our luck. Listen."
Daryl does as instructed and realises immediately that the moaning he heard moments ago wasn't Carol, but Eugene snoring. Loudly. Loudly enough to have awakened just about everyone in the house, judging by the cacophony of voices yelling at him to shut the hell up.
"Guess we're not alone. Made me forget that woman."
Carol is stroking her fingers against his cheekbones, trying to tell him with touch all that she has been afraid to give voice to so far tonight. She is overwhelmed by all that has happened in the last few minutes, and feels calmed by the touch of her skin against his.
"You're the most gentle man I've ever known Daryl Dixon, and I've never loved anyone the way I love you. It makes me very happy that I made you forget. I want to kiss you, would that be okay?"
"Don't got to ask that again Carol, gonna be a lot of kissin' between us from now on. But I need to find us a room with a door that locks, and somewhere with a part way comfortable bed."
"Okay, I understand – no kisses outside of a locked room. Got it."
He pinches her side which causes a return of the giggles he enjoyed hearing so much earlier.
"Don't need to be smart mouthed, I just want you to myself Carol. I want us to have some quiet, I want some gentle with you."
Carol wonders distractedly when Daryl got so perfect while trying to burrow as close to his body as she can. She kisses his neck delicately, then nips at the warm skin softly before moving to rest with her head over Daryl's heart.
"I want some quiet with you too, we'll get there. Is it okay if I lie like this with you? Someone might get up and see us, so I can move if this will make you uncomfortable."
He tightens his hold on Carol at her words, curling his hand around her hip and savouring the feel of her warm and sleepy in his arms.
"I want you here Carol, don't want you movin' to make other people feel better. Want to be selfish and have you for myself if you wan' that too."
She doesn't answer him with words right away, instead choosing to turn her face slightly so that she can kiss him through the dirty material of his shirt. She feels him tremble at her touch, so she kisses him again because it's what they both need.
"I want you for myself too Daryl. I can wait for quiet, get some sleep and tomorrow we can work out what's next."
He gathers her closer to his body, amazed that he seems to have the freedom to do that now.
"Sleep sweetheart. It's gonna get better, I promise."
Carol lies awake listening to the beating of Daryl's heart as he drifts off into some sort of rest. She lays her hand against his flat stomach and fights the urge to weep with gratitude that she has been able to be honest with Daryl about what is in her heart. She believes him when he tells her it's going to get better. She believes in his strength and his goodness more than in her own character. She believes with her whole heart that there may just be room left in this life for gentle.
She sleeps.