You're the reason I go on

And now I need to live the truth

Celine Dion – I Surrender

Looking back now Rodney understands what has been happening between them all these years. He guesses you could say that it hit him suddenly when John tried to ride that ancient shuttle down out of orbit. Though it seemed much as his many other flyboy suicide runs it felt much different. When he didn't answer their hails on the com Rodney nearly has a panic attack.

John would never realize that he's what keeps Rodney going. With his smirk and Kirk like attitude John keeps Rodney focused so that he can save everyone again and again. It happens way more often than it should and John has saved Rodney more times then even John knows.

Rodney needs to tell John the truth but he is afraid of what may happen if he does. A confession such as that could destroy their team, the expedition, Atlantis, and even Earth if it happened at the wrong time.

He's there in you life, he's sharing your nights

I'll never be, never be, never be right

Ruff Endz – If I Was The One

For weeks Rodney walked in a daze he couldn't figure out the right time to tell John or if there ever would be one. He had started to spend even more time in his labs or walking the city after everyone had gone to sleep for the night.

Rodney stopped his walk hearing familiar voices around the corner. Stifling a gasp he turned away after looking around the corner for a short second. Halfway down the hall standing in front of Ronon's quarters is John and Ronon.

Looking back around the corner he notices that they are speaking quietly. Ronon has John practically pinned to the wall but is standing with his hands on the wall beside John's head.

"Ronon this is…" he started

"Shep look both of us know that neither of us can have what we really want so we take what we can get. It's that simple and always will be," Ronon stated

"I guess so," John laughed

Ronon took that as an accent and kissed John holding him firmly against the wall. Seconds later the two men disappeared into Ronon's room the door closing behind them without a sound. Rodney continued to walk finally ending up on the far pier where he stayed until the sunrise knowing he would never be good enough to share John's nights.

Can you save me from this world of mine

Before I get myself arrested with this expectation

You are the one look what you've done

Train – Ordinary

"I don't really know how or when it happened but it did. I think it's been coming for a long time," Rodney said

"What are you talking about Rodney," John asks looking around the deserted hall nervously.

"What I'm trying to say is that I…I love you," Rodney answered softly

John shot up straight and looked at Rodney for a moment before rushing off in the other direction. He didn't say a word and soon John turned the corner. John knows not what he has done to the man he calls his best friend.

Rodney hurries back to his labs his hands deep in his pockets his eyes trained on the floor. For so long he had wondered what John's response would be in his mind he had created his own world. John was supposed to make him come out of his daydream world. Without John's answer Rodney is trapped there wondering how he's going to get out.

And if you ask me if I love him

I'd lie

Taylor Swift – I'd Lie

Rodney sat down at his normal corner table one he has sat at for the last year and a half. When they first came to Atlantis Rodney would always sit by himself but when he became part of John's team he hadn't sat alone for nearly three years. Now he is relived for the silence his confession has given him. He ate silently looking over his notes on his latest project. The small ancient device Rodney had found in an abandoned lab was no where to be found in the Ancient database and no one could figure out what it did or was made to do.

He looked up hearing John and Teyla coming into the commissary deep in conversation. His two teammates grabbed trays going through the lunch line before sitting down a couple tables away from Rodney. Teyla decided to sit with her back to Rodney so John takes a chair on the other side facing towards Rodney.

Minutes later Rodney is interrupted from his thought of John by a hello from Carson as he takes the seat beside Rodney. Rodney returns Carson's hello returning to his study of John.

"What are you doing Rodney," Carson asks following Rodney eyes to his contemplation of John.

"Just thinking about a conversation I heard last night," Rodney answered realizing the Scots look and returning to reading his notes

"You've been acting strangely for the past couple days what's up Rodney," Carson asked knowing his friend wouldn't give him a straight answer so he doesn't ask.

"Nothing really," Rodney says giving into the lie.

Rodney and Carson both know that if anyone asked of Rodney if he loved the military leader of Atlantis and his best friend that he'd lie. It was a sad fact and Carson and Rodney both hate that they know the truth.

Here we are

Isn't it familiar

Haven't had someone to talk to

In such a long time

Levi Kreis – I Should Go

Rodney and John walked side by side out of Elizabeth's office and she smiles. For the last couple weeks everyone in the city had been noticing the distance between the scientist and the flyboy who had become best friends since coming to Atlantis almost four years ago.

As if something unspoken John and Rodney had noticed the distance and they wordlessly agreed to make it get back to normal. The conversation in the hall was pushed from John's mind though Rodney couldn't forget and just sent it into the back of his mind.

Everything was familiar again after two weeks of practically avoiding each other it was nice to talk and joke with John again though everyday that passed it got a little harder on Rodney.