Tony sat in the chair overlooking the valley, staring into nothingness, whiskey glass in his hand. He could barely keep his eyes open but he hadn't been able to sleep in days, not since….
…. William's cries of hunger could be heard as they drifted through the kitchen to the patio outside, followed by Jaden's annoyance that his sleep had been interrupted. He could hear the screams, faint echoes in the background as another sip of his whiskey drowned them out. Too numb to care but too hurt to forget a tear ran down the side of his cheek. "Daddy." The little girl tugged at his sleeve, "Williams crying daddy." She tugged again. Once, before, he would have scooped her up in his arms, held her tight and promised her everything would be all right. What a joke that would have been, how heartless to promise a little girl such a thing when truth was that this world brought you absolutely nothing but fucking agony. He tightened the muscles in his arm, trying not to flinch as she continued trying to grab his attention. How he wished he was like that eagle out beyond, able to spread his wings and just fly away, no commitments, no fake emotions trying to make everyone believe you're all right. If only he could jump that railing, he'd walk out into the desert and never come back. The little girl rested her head on his arm and wrapped hers around his, holding him tight. "When will mummy be home?" The hole in his chest exploded, he could feel himself suffocating as he took another sip, and another and another anything to make the pain go away. He couldn't look at the little girl, long brown hair and chocolate eyes like her mother, the resemblance was so strong. Then something changed, something was different. William and Jayden were silent. Thank God. A far off voice called the little girls voice, she raised her head, kissed him on the cheek and ran off into the house. Now was his chance, one leap and he'd be free one way or the other, dead from the fall or walking off into the sunset. He sculled the rest of his whiskey and put the glass down, grabbed the side of the chair tight and prepared himself to stand up. It was only an eight foot drop, there were a few rocks below but he was sure he could avoid them. He leaned against the rail, too far gone to stand on his own two feet, and counted to three. "One, two, th…"
"Tony!" The strong hand held him above the elbow, he tried to shrug him off but Tony stumbled backwards, the man caught him and held him straight. "Let me go." Tony was furious, who was he to tell him what to do? In his own house? The man let go and he felt himself stumble around for a second, then grabbed the railing for support.
"Fine. It's your choice but not here, not like this. Think of Rose."
"Rose." That beautiful, sadistic image of her mother. How could he love but hate her so intensely? He gripped the railing tightly, the wood almost splintering his hand.
"Come on." The arm extended itself again, trying to guide him back into the chair.
"Bill?" The familiar voice asked from the doorway.
"Not now." He ushered her back, as she held William over her shoulder after his feed. As Rose came to her side she pattered her on the back of the head and lead her back into the nursery.
"It's just going to take some time. We'll all be here as long as you need us, whatever you need. We'll look after the children for you, you just look after yourself. They've already lost their mother, they shouldn't have to loose their father as well."
"What would you know?"
"You're right. I don't."
"Huh."
"Like I said, time. Take as much as you need."
*****"What was going on?"
"Leave it Chloe." He said, referring to little ears nearby.
"I knew it." She hissed, "How could he."
"No one can understand the pain he's going through right now. We need to be supportive."
"Yeah. Well what about them?" She asked, jiggling William up and down as Rose sat in the miniature table in the corner, drawing a picture of her mum. "How could he ignore their cries like that?"
"He's rejecting everything that is a reminder of her."
"Well he needs to snap out of it. They need him."
"Hmm." He scoffed as the little girl smiled at him, she ran over and showed him her picture. "That's beautiful sweetheart."
"That's mummy and that's the angels…"
"Come here." He said lifting her up into his arms, "Is daddy still crying?"
"Yes honey. Dad's a bit sad at the moment."
"Because of mummy?"
"Yeah. Because of mummy."
"Is he going to visit the angels too?"
"That's it." Chloe went to storm out to kick some sense into him. He grabbed her arm gently, stopping her in her tracks.
"Don't."
"We'll they're not staying here, he's in no condition to look after them."
"If we take them away now there'll be nothing stopping him."
"Well the drinking has to stop."
"It will. When he's ready."
"You don't know that."
"Yes. I do." He said looking at Rose and William. "If he can manage to stay alive, he'll come around."
"What makes you so sure?"
"they're her children, he could never walk out on them."
"He just tried."
"That was the grief talking."
"I hope you're right." Jayden stirred in the nursery. "Come on." He said to Rose, "Let's see what your brother wants." From the nursery where they checked on Jayden and tried to put William back to sleep, Chloe heard the sound of the keys scraping across the kitchen bench and the front door slamming shut behind him.
"Wait." She called out.
"He'll be back."
*****Tony came through the door, bumping into everything as he stumbled through the door at 3am. "Shh" He whispered to the pot plant as it fell to the floor then continued onto the kitchen. He looked at the coffee pot, then reached behind into the biscuit tin. "Damn it." He cursed, empty. Maybe he still had a bottle left in the back of the kitchen cupboard, but it only had half a drop left. He rummaged through all his familiar hiding places, behind the fridge, in the laundry hamper, in a box marked tools in the garage. Nothing. Then he found the locked box hidden high up on the shelf, her box. He pulled it down, and held it carefully in his hands. He knew what was inside, he tried to fight it but the urge to open it was too strong. He looked around for the key, but impatient as he was he decided to use the crowbar instead. Smashing the lock he slowly opened the lid and confirmed its contents. Neatly wrapped to keep it clean, it still held the aura from when she'd last touched it. He ran his fingers over the smooth metal, then picked it up out of the box and held it to his lips, the cool metal melding with his skin. He grabbed some bullets from the top of the cupboard and loaded it. How poetic, he thought to himself. He hung his head, twisted the gold metal around his finger took the safety off. He knew how much pain he'd put Michelle through last time he'd fallen of the wagon, he couldn't put his children through that, they were better off without him. He put the gun to his head, whispered I love you and I can't live without you and pulled the trigger.
Misfire. How the hell could that happen. She was always so careful. He checked the gun and tried again.
"I told you. Not here." Bill stood in the doorway, wiping the sleep from his eyes, between feeding the twins and watching out for Tony he hardly slept anymore.
"This is none of your business."
"I told you. My only concern is for Rose."
"Don't you think I know what's best for her, for all of them?"
"Of course you do. But when you're gone someone will have to pick up the pieces…"
"You'd like that. Wouldn't you?" Tony's tone grew angry, possessed even.
"What?"
"You always wanted her, you tried to steal her from me."
"You nothing ever happened."
"Because she loved me, not you. Now you want my children as well."
"No. Tony. It's not like that."
"No that's fine. Take them. What do I care."
"Tony Please." Bill stepped forward, worried he'd actually try again. Tony took it as an invitation, he dropped the gun and went to take a swing at Bill. Bill ducked out the way, but he had to swing back to defend himself and before they knew it they were in a violent slinging match. Blow after blow they fought for control, for the memory of Michelle, for Tony. Tony hit him hard, and Bill fell against the garage door as he held his jaw. "That's enough Tony."
"Get out of my house."
"No. I'm not going anywhere."
"Get out."
"what's going on?" Chloe asked, wrapping her dressing gown around her waist as she went to see if Bill was all right.
"Both of you. Get out." He said, turning around to pick up the gun and get it over with. He'd dropped it, he remembered that much, but he couldn't find it anywhere. It wasn't under the bench or behind the shelves. Damn it.
"Tony?" Chloe still wanted her answer, but the look on Tony's face as he searched frantically confused her, until she saw the revelation in bill's eyes.
"where is it?" Tony screamed at her.
"Where's what?" She asked again. Bill looked around, "Bill?"
"He's looking for Michelle's gun."
"Her gun. Why would I know where it is?"
"It was right here. Where is it?" He'd beat it out of her if he had to.
"Tony. You're scaring me." Then the room fell cold.
*****'Bang' It was enough to sober him right up. Bill looked at him, he was as white as a ghost.
"Oh god." What had he done? His body felt like jelly, too scared to see what was out there, but desperate to see what had happened. Bill was the first out of the door, followed closely by Tony then Chloe, still confused. Bill held her in his arms, the gun on the floor beside her. He wanted to go to her side but he couldn't. As the room started spinning he bent over and the four litres of bourbon he'd been drinking emptied out onto the floor.
"Call 911." Bill yelled as the twins screamed from their cots nearby. He looked at his baby, lying there on the floor, then vomited again. What had he done? It wasn't meant to happen like this, not like this. Michelle would never forgive him, he'd never forgive himself. Standing there, only a meter and a half away he couldn't bring himself to step any closer. He stared, motionless, numb as he shut himself off from the world around him, the walls quickly blocking him from the sadness which was too much for even him to bare.
"Tony." Bill called, still holding her in his arms. "Tony." He didn't say anything, but he watched himself move closer, kneeling down beside her. The blood trickling through her beautiful brown locks. He reached out to touch her, to stroke her cheek but it was too much. "Oh god." He grabbed her out of Bills hands and held her tight.
"Tony . Tony. You need to let me look at her."
"I'm so sorry." He said, rocking her back and forth. "Oh god baby. What have I done?"
"They're on there way." Chloe said, returning to help.
"Tony." Bill grabbed his arms while Chloe tried to take Rose. "Tony you need to let her go."
"No." He shook his head.
"Damn it Tony." Bill grabbed his hands and Chloe took Rose, lying her back down on the ground. Bill held Tony back, then when Tony spun around to fight him off Bill got around in front of him and pushed him back into the wall. Tony threw his hands up in defeat as he watched his little girl lying there on the floor.
"Chloe.?" Bill asked, as he returned to Rose.
"I'm not sure?" Chloe said, looking at her cold body.
"There's a pulse, just." He said looking at Tony.
"I shot her. Oh god." The wailing noise coming from him was like nothing Bill had ever heard before as he slide down the wall and held his head in his hands.
"Tony. Stay with me." Bill ordered as he held the towel tight. Tony could see the gun, still lying there on the floor beside her.
"I'm sorry." He said standing up and grabbing the gun. He didn't deserve to live.
"Daddy." Rose mumbled as she came tu. Overwhelmed Tony dropped the gun,
"Rose." She was talking, talking. She was alive.
"Hold still honey." Bill reassured her, but Tony ran over and scooped her up in his arms, he'd never held her so tight.
"Oh god Rose."
"Dad…" She drifted off again. "Damn it. Where's that ambulance?"
"They'll be here." Bill placed a hand on his shoulder, "You need to put her down, she needs to keep still."
"We can't wait." He said lifting her up and heading for the door."
"Where do you think you're going?"
"To the hospital."
"You're not driving, not in your condition." Bill said, grabbing the keys from the kitchen bench. "I'll drive." He knew he couldn't argue with him. "Chloe."
"Of course. Call me." She said, knowing she had to stay with the twins.
Tony back and forth as they worked on rose in that tiny cubicle. It felt like the whole emergency room had dropped everything when he ran through those doors with Rose in his arms, then quickly judged him when they smelt the liquor on his breath, and saw the bruise forming on Bills face. Bill stood by his side, silent. They hooked up al sorts of monitors, put in an IV and checked her pupils every five minutes. Why weren't they taking her to the ER? His skin felt like it was on fire, itching all over as he rubbed it to sooth away the pain. How could he have let this happen? As the machine beeped, he stepped forward, pulled back by a firm hand. "Let them do their jobs." He'd said. Tony sunk his head into his hand, rubbing his forehead then holding his chin. He felt sick to his stomach. The doctors rushed around her, comparing notes, then all the commotion stopped, the nurses left and Rose was left alone with one nurse.
"Oh god." Tony looked around for something to hang on to. The white bandage wrapped around her head was overwhelming. He ran his hands through his hair, holding his hands behind his head
"Look." Bill nudged him. "She's all right." The monitors showed a steady rhythm.
"How could she? She was shot Bill. She shot herself with Michelle's gun. I'll never forgive myself."
"It wasn't your fault. You can't blame yourself for this."
"Then who? I left that gun out."
"I distracted you. Blame me."
"Don't." Tony couldn't handle the pity right now. The doctors gone he went to see his daughter. Her eyes were still closed, and they'd given her a nasal oxygen tube. With all the monitors and the drip she looked like some science experiment. He wanted to stroke her hair, to kiss her forehead but the bandage covered it all. He settled for kissing her cheek and holding her hand. "I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry." Sensing her fathers touch, the one she'd longed for these past few days, Rose began to open her eyes.
"Rose." Bill asked.
"Daddy."
"I'm here honey."
"I'm sorry Daddy." She whispered sluggishly.
"Oh Honey." He said holding her tight, "This wasn't your fault. It was daddy's fault." His tears almost drowning her.
"Sir." The stern voice said as it stepped into the curtain. "I'm going to have to ask you to step away."
"What?"
"Now please sir."
"No. My daughter needs me."
"I'd rather not cause a scene."
"What's this about?" Bill stepped in between them,
"It's just routine."
"Routine?" Bill asked again. Why was this guy being so cryptic?
"We are required by law to report any injuries of this kind." The doctor stepped in, defending himself, "My hands were tied."
"What are you saying?" Tony started to get mad, "Are you saying I did this to my daughter?"
"Sir. I'm going to ask you to step outside one more time."
"Daddy?" Rose reached out, stressed by the altercation.
"It's ok honey." He said, "Get your hands off me." Tony spun around as the guard grabbed him to escort him out.
"There's no need for that." Bill jumped in again, "He's just concerned for his daughter."
"As am I."
"Daddy." Rose cried again.
"Tony, maybe we should step outside." Bill could see how much it was upsetting Rose.
"Don't make this any harder than it has to be."
"Will you just let me know if she's okay first?"
"She's fine Mr Almeida." The doctor assured him, "It grazed her scull leaving nothing but a gash above her right eye that will heal in time. With any luck it wont even scar." Oh god. Scar? He hadn't thought of that. She could have a reminder for the rest of her life about how her daddy got drunk and tried to kill himself.
"Sir."
"All right." Tony shook his hand loose, kissed her and stepped outside.
"What are we looking at here?" Bill asked as Tony kept his eye on Rose.
"Why don't you tell me? I can smell the liquor on your breath from here, my guess is you really piled it on tonight."
"So?"
"While in charge of a minor?"
"I was in charge of Rose tonight officer. It was my fault. I took my eyes off of her.."
"And how did she get the gun?"
"It was my gun, actually it was her mothers gun."
"She died recently." Bill added, as Tony felt the stabbing pain pierce his heart again, with all that had happened he'd almost been able to forget for a few minutes what had started all of this,
"I was cleaning it…"
"Uh huh. At 3am in the morning. Drunk?"
"You calling me a liar?"
"Yes."
"How dare you."
"Calm down Tony." Bill held him back again, "Look officer. You seem like a smart man. I think we all know what Tony was really doing with the gun."
"That's a felony in itself."
"So charge me then."
"How did she get the gun?"
"We were fighting." Bill continued.
"He was trying to stop me…" Tony clarified.
"And in the confusion, Rose must have woken up and seen it."
"Does she handle the gun often?"
"NEVER!" Tony was angry at the accusation. "What do you think I am?"
"Obviously there are some extenuating circumstances here, but I'm afraid I'll have to take this matter further."
"Is that really necessary?"
"Look. I sympathise but reality is we have a drunk with access to guns and children who may or not be in a neglectful situation and a three year old with a head wound."
"Why you.." Tony wanted to strangle him, he'd never hurt his children. Who was this asshole.
"Now I'm not going to charge you right now."
"Thankyou."
"But Social services will be following up. Now are there any other children involved?"
"I'm not telling you that."
"Tony please." Bill insisted again, "Four month old twins. Boys. Myself and another family friend are looking after them for the time being."
"And you say your wife is deceased?"
"Huh." Tony didn't know what to say.
"Two weeks ago."
"And how did she die?"
"What are you implying?"
"It was a car accident."
"And who was driving?"
"I was." Tony spat at him, "Are you going to blame me for that too?"
"Were you drinking?"
"I can't believe this. My wife is dead and you're asking if I was responsible?"
"No officer." Bill answered for him, "The drinking started afterwards. Look officer. You have to understand that Tony loves his children and his wife very deeply. We've all been hit hard by her loss and non of us would ever do anything to put those children in danger."
"Why do you have a gun in the house in the first place?"
"We work for the government. Or we used to. Counter Terrorism Agency."
"CTU. Yeah I've head of that."
"Then you know what we do there?"
"I have an idea."
"So can we come to some sort of an arrangement here?"
"I'm sorry. My hands are tied. But if it's any consolation, I believe you. But your friend there." Pointing to Tony who had left to watch Rose sleep. "He needs some serious help."
"I know. I have it covered. He just needs some time."
"Social services will be in contact with you shortly. Do what they say, let them look around the house and make it clear that you are the children's temporary guardian and you should be all right."
"Thank you. We appreciate it."
"And my condolences. Poor guy. He's really torn up. He must have really loved her."
"You have no idea."