"I love you! I love you so much it hurts!"
Tears were spilling from my eyes as I showed him my heart to the fullest, daring him to make a move that would either make or break me. He did not speak, and I soon became frustrated with his silence. "Did you hear me?" Stupid. Of course he heard me! How couldn't he? I had all but screamed my confession to the world! Yet, he remained silent.
His refusal to speak should have been a blessing in disguise, for it would give me but a second more of wishful thinking. Yet, all it did was make me apprehensive. 'Why isn't he saying anything?' I thought angrily. I very rarely became irritated by anything; the times were few and far between. But when my temper was triggered, it wreaked havoc among anyone and everyone who crossed my path. This was one of those triggering moments, and when he still refused to say anything, I threw my hands to the Heavens and cried, "I said I love you! Don't you have anything to say?" I wept harder now, big fat tears slipping their way down my rosy cheeks.
Silence greeted me, and the air was so thick that I felt I could not breathe. Although I was upset, I knew that he wasn't talking because he was trying to take in everything I was saying, thinking through his answer thoroughly; he was that type of person, and that was what attracted me to him in the first place.
He was always the silent, stoic type, never really talking much and always looking like he was ready to deck someone at any moment, yet everybody loved him. I never understood it; why did he always look so indifferent if he was the most popular boy in school? Not that popularity means anything in college, but still, it captivated me. And thus, after much time dwelling on whether I should talk to him or not, I decided that the best way to get inside his head was to send him a note. It was a tad childish, I knew, but I didn't know if he liked direct conversation or not.
I expected to receive a spiteful comment in his replying note, yet when I read it, it was anything but spiteful. His response to my simple "can we meet somewhere and talk?" message was not a "no", but it was not a "yes". When I read the note, I was met with a riddle that read:
What always runs, but never walks
Often murmurs, never talks
Has a bed, but never sleeps
Has a mouth, but never eats?
The riddle had confused me, yet I felt as if I knew the answer. The wheels turned in the empty void others considered my brain, and my eyes widened when I came up with the answer. "A river..." No sooner had the words left my mouth then I was already making my way toward the river that lined the outskirts of our campus. There he sat, the brilliant color of his hair shimmering in the setting sun.
We had talked for hours, and that's when I found out that the silent character that often showed apathy toward everyone held such stimulating thought, captivating beauty, and astonishing brilliance. We had remained best friends ever since.
Snapping back to the present, my ocean-blue eyes slid up his form to meet his amber ones. Gold taunted sapphire as he finally opened his mouth to speak.
"You know that I care about you...more than anything in the whole world..." My heart snapped in two, and I turned away from him before he could continue.
He cares about me? What the hell was that supposed to mean? There I stood, with my heart on my sleeve, and he could say nothing more than that he cared about me?
I could feel his confused aura from where I stood, and a sudden thought crossed my mind. What if I was thinking too hard about this? My father often told me that that was my problem, women's problem in general. Maybe I had acted too harshly toward my love; maybe he hadn't finished what he wanted to say. 'There I go, messing things up again.'
Turning quickly, I was relieved to find that he had not left his spot. "C-continue, bishounen..." I stuttered, willing myself not to start trembling. My eyes were already stinging with unshed tears, for I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say next.
He nodded his head, his soft eyes never leaving mine as he reached out to curl a strand of ebony hair behind my ear. "Thank you..." Cupping my face in his hand, his cognac-hued orbs drilled into me, caressing my very soul. Silence ensued, and the tension was back with a vengeance; I hated it when he didn't talk. "I want to tell you that I love you..." he finally said, and my heart leaped into my throat. Success! "But..." 'Oh no...' "I know that I cannot." Turning away from me, he shook his head. "I'm sorry, bishoujo."
My heart dropped, smashed into a billion pieces by his words. Feeling a sob start to creep its way up my throat, I clenched my fists tightly, praying to every god I knew to help me stay strong in his presence. I could not break down in front of him; who knew what would happen, then. I gulped, finally managing to utter a simple, "I see..." before slowly spinning around and making a move to walk away.
I hadn't gotten far before I felt two strong arms wrap themselves around my waist and anchor my back into a warm chest. Struggling to turn my head, I found the my love had come after me, and was now hugging me from behind. "You did not let me finish, koibito," he whispered in my ear, and once more, my heart ceased beating. Koibito...my love...
Spinning in his grasp, I nailed him with a confused look. The hurt had dissipated, and in its place was pure curiosity. "But...I thought..."
"I said that I could not give you a declaration of love, and I meant it." And the tears built up once more. "But the only reason I feel I cannot do so is because I'm not entirely sure what love is," he finished hastily, wiping the tears from my eyes. "I could tell you what you want to hear, but it would be meaningless if it was not sincere." He nuzzled my neck, and, despite the way my cheeks burned in reaction, I could not shake the confusion from my thoughts. "Give me time, koibito. Time to understand. Time to know you better. We have the rest of our lives to worry about love; let's live it one day at a time." And with those final words, he tilted my head back and gently kissed me on the lips.
Tears slipped from my eyes once more, yet these were not tears of pain or frustration. They were of the much better variety. I wept tears of joy as I was suddenly lifted from the ground and spun around. Laughing, I only briefly acknowledged my emotional 360 before grabbing onto his face and kissing him again.
"We have the rest of our lives to worry about love; let's live it one day at a time."
His words echoed through my thoughts, and I decided that it wasn't such a bad idea. Someday, I would get him to tell me he loved me. Until then, I was perfectly content in just being by his side.