Hello. Welcome to Chapter One of my longest Fanfiction to date, and the first story I have ever posted online. I hope this works... Oh well. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda, nor do I own anything else I may have referenced. Seriously.

Chapter 1

One day, Link was walking along the path in the Sacred Grove, when suddenly, Skull Kid jumped out in front of him with his customary laugh.

"Mee hee hee!" Link just sighed as the little forest trickster did a silly dance.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"YOUR SOUL!" Skull Kid screamed, cackling evilly.

"Too bad, the Lakebed Temple stole it already."

"…" said Skull Kid. "I'll have to change my plans, then. Now I want… YOUR HAT!" At this, the crazily grinning creature leaped up and snatched Link's trademark green hat.

"My hat! It is gone!" Link cried, pointing at Skull Kid.

"And you'll never get it back!" Skull Kid screamed, hopping into the air, doing a little spin, and disappearing in a swirl of leaves.

Link just stood there, staring unseeingly at the spot where Skull Kid had been moments before. The little creature reappeared over on a rotting tree stump not far away, grinning as he placed the stolen hat on his head.

"You…" Link said, looking up at the creature, his mouth hanging open slightly, "You… took my hat…"

"Yup!"

"Do… you… realize… what… you… have… done…?" Skull Kid fidgeted nervously. It was never a good sign when someone used that many elapses in one sentence.

"GIVE ME THE HAT!" Link yelled, diving at Skull Kid.

"Aaaaah!" Skull Kid screamed, running for his life. Now, Skull Kid knew the Sacred Grove like the back of his hand (and yes, he spends a lot of his time staring at it), but Link had lots of experience in chasing Skull Kids; far, far too much, really. In a few moments, Link had nearly caught the thief.

"Wait!" Skull Kid cried suddenly, grinning, "This is silly! I can warp!" So he did. Link looked around franticly for his hat, muttering under his breath about vengeance.

"Mee hee hee! What's so important about a stupid hat?" Skull Kid giggled from the top of a tree as Link spun to face him. Link didn't answer, but began climbing the ivy that was mysteriously growing up the side of the tree… directly to where Skull Kid was.

Skull Kid made a small "eep" sound, and began to quiver in terror, once again forgetting that he could teleport.

"Why d-do you want it b-back so b-badly?" Skull Kid whimpered.

"Because, it's the only thing that protects me from BOTTOMLESS PITS OF DOOM!" Link said, continuing to climb after the terrified thief.

"Oh," Skull Kid said, forgetting his predicament. "I get it!" He dropped the magic green hat down to the Hylian below. "Why do you call them BOTTOMLESS PITS OF DOOM?"

"Because, you see, unknown to most, when you fall into BOTTOMLESS PITS OF DOOM," Link said, pulling his infamous green hat back onto his head, "You drop into a large, labyrinthine, (normally inaccessible) section of the Lakebed Temple that can never be escaped from without my hat. It's maddeningly frustrating, it's also where the Lakebed Temple managed to steal my soul… although what a temple would want with souls, I will never know. Anyway…"

Suddenly, a high-pitched scream of hysterical terror broke the silence of the forest. Link gasped, and dropped from the tree to dash off to the exit of the Sacred Grove.

"THAT'S THE WRONG WAY!" Skull Kid yelled after him, also jumping out of the tree. Link walked back meekly.

"I'll help you!" Skull Kid said, skipping off into the woods. Of course, Skull Kid's idea of helping was taking the longest, most roundabout way to the exit that he could.

"Um, thanks… I think," Link said, frowning.

"You're welcome!" Skull Kid laughed, dancing back into the Sacred Grove.

At the source of that scream was none other than Ilia, Link's childhood friend, a.k.a. Epona's self-appointed nanny. She and Epona were standing at the edge of the purple mist, the former screaming her head off, and the latter was… eating grass, glancing up occasionally as if to say, shut up, you IDIOT.

Link dashed through the deadly purple mist as fast as his lantern would burn it off, until he could see the pair. When he saw that Epona wasn't freaking out, he slowed down. Epona was a very smart horse, and he knew that she knew what real danger was.

"What's wrong, Ilia?" he asked, sighing.

"Oh, nothing! I just wanted to see if you where here, because I knew you'd come and save little old me!" Ilia said with a high-pitched giggle. Link's eye twitched; not a good sign. Something occurred to Link suddenly.

"Hey, how'd you get Epona to come into the woods? Normally, she freaks out at the very idea of this place."

"I don't know. She comes in with me, but I can only come in if Impaz is with me, because the kitties usually steal my purse when I come here, and she's good with kitties. Of course, Impaz can only come in here if all of her cats are here, too, so the Cucco Leader has to come along to make sure that the not-so-Secret Village kitties are okay, so the rest of Hyrule's population of cuccos come too, therefore Fyer and his buddy come to get their cuccos back, so the Zoras get curious and follow, and this sentence is REALLY LONG, and Iza and Hena, the tourist attraction people follow to see what's wrong, and…"

"I get the point," Link said, grabbing Epona's reigns. Ilia didn't stop chattering.

"…So then the Ordon Goats have to come in here, and they start turning that dangerous cherry red color and charging into stuff, so Fado, the goat guy that is REALLY incompetent has to follow, but he doesn't do a very good job, so my daddy has to come in here to stop them, but he hasn't any Iron Boots any more, so the Gorons get called in to help, but they can't go up the hill from Hyrule Field to the entrance to Faron because they run out of momentum from rolling, and they're REALLY slow on foot, so the Hyrule Castle Town Soldiers have to come and…"

"Shut up, will you?"

" So, then all the Light Spirits come down to help, but they turn into Light Arrows when they meet, so that's useless, so then Princess Zelda comes along to sort the mess out…"

"If you shut up, I'll buy you something from Malo Mart."

"... That reminds me; then little baby-faced Malo comes in and starts making everybody go broke because he fines us, saying stuff like 'It's illegal to turn into Dark Beast: Ganons here' and…"

Both Epona and Link were glaring at the ditz, about ready to snap; Link's knuckles were white around Epona's reigns, and the normally level headed Epona was pawing at the ground, her ears laid back against her skull. Link tried one last time for peace: "Ilia, I'll bake you muffins if y-"

Ilia was in his face at once, with an impossibly sized grin plastered onto her face. "MUFFINS? Muffins? Muffins, muffins, muffins,MUFFINS? Where are the delicious, warm pastries? What flavor, how many, how long'd ya bake them for? O' muffins, sweet muffins…"

"Scary." Epona said. Link, of course could understand her ('cuz he's a wolf).

"That is an understatement," he muttered under his breath to his horse. To Ilia he said, "Yes, yes, I'll bake you muffins, but only if you SHUT UP!"

Ilia had never been quieter in her entire life. She bounced in place, a pleading puppy-dog look in her eyes. Link turned around and tugged Epona after him, and out of Faron Woods, with a mute Ilia following close behind.

Link whistled happily as he moved around his house, collecting the various ingredients that he would need for the coming challenge of… BAKING MUFFINS! Ilia was standing in the corner, wide eyes tracking him across the room. Unnoticed by either of them, he was whistling the song known as Zelda's Lullaby, which he had once howled as a wolf to unlock problems in the Sacred Grove.

"Mee hee hee!" Skull Kid said, sticking his head through Link's window, "What are you doing?"

"Why are you here?" Link asked, looking up from what he was doing, which was stirring up muffin batter. By doing this he caused a single drop of batter to spill out onto his wooden table. In her corner, Ilia clutched at her throat while twitching erratically and pointing at the tiny speck of unbaked yummy-ness. She stuck to her word though, and remained silent.

"What's up with her?" Skull Kid asked, crawling through Link's window. "And to answer your question? I just got the strangest urge to find something here. Like I had no choice."

"Eh, I don't care. Now that you know my hat's secret, you can come over anytime. Ilia, here, is going to be silent until I give her muffins."

With a clunk, Skull Kid fell down Link's ladder and onto the ground, where he lay there, still watching the Chosen Hero stir the batter. "What are muffins?" He groaned, pulling himself from the floor, only to be knocked back down by Ilia, who was nearly throttling him, her jaw working soundlessly as she tried to express her alarm at his ignorance of her revered food without breaking her unspoken promise.

"You can have a muffin once I'm done, if Ilia will let you have it." Link said, pouring the batter into a pan he had bought from Malo Mart, (because he was smart). He stuffed it into the oven that had mysteriously appeared in his house after he had returned from Arbiter's Grounds (A/N: Not the first time, just after you first get the Master Sword. It's after the second time, after beating Ganondorf), along with a refrigerator, and a bed.

Ilia let go of Skull Kid, (who collapsed, and took several deep, desperate gulps of air), and spun around, doing a delighted wiggle, that was not unlike Beth's trademark movement, and hopped in front of the oven, where she started to stare at the door unblinkingly.

"Meeah. Heah. Heh." Skull Kid panted, "I take it she likes muffins."

"What could have possibly tipped you off?" Link asked sarcastically, pulling Skull Kid to his feet. Ilia was silent.

15 minutes later (a.k.a. the author's too lazy to write fifteen minutes worth of stupidity)

Clink, clank, clink, clank, rowr? Mreheheh!

Link burst up from the table, yelling, "POE!" and pointing to where the sound was coming from: the oven.

"…That's not a Poe."

"Hmm? Oh, I know. I'm just good at listening for Poes, so I figured if my oven buzzer sounded like a Poe, I would automatically hear it." Link said, opening the door and grabbing the muffins from the oven.

"Shouldn't that have burned your hands?" Skull Kid asked past the drool that was dripping from his open mouth.

"Yes, but I also should have been incinerated in the Goron Mines, so therefore, I hopefully should be able to hold a hot muffin pan with my bare hands."

"Ah, touché."

The second Link set the muffins down on the table, Ilia was upon them, stuffing them into her mouth, one after another. Skull Kid and Link barely managed to snag three before the ravenous girl consumed the entire pan. Skull Kid nibbled at his muffin tentatively, before grinning widely and popping the entire thing into his mouth.

"Mmph, 's gud!" he mumbled past his mouthful. Link nodded in agreement. Skull Kid reached greedily for the last muffin, before he gasped and stiffened.

"What's wrong?" Link asked.

"It's… MAJORA'S MUFFIN!" Skull Kid screamed as he pointed at the muffin that he had wanted only seconds before. It was a purple muffin with little yellow spikes and big, orange eyes.

"Hah, fools! I have succeeded in possessing this muffin! (Although how everyone failed to notice me is a mystery)." The muffin squeaked menacingly.

"I noticed," Ilia said, happy that she could speak again, "But I thought you where just a pretty-colored muffin!" Skull Kid looked at her like she was an idiot, which she was.

"Wait a sec. Majora's… Muffin? Isn't that just a tad… y' know… silly?" Link asked, an incredulous look on his face.

"Are you implying that my (totally-not-a-knock-off-of-my-real-title) name is STUPID?" Majora squeaked, hopping up and down on the table with rage.

"Yup," Skull Kid and Link said in unison.

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!" the muffin screamed, hopping angrily towards Link. Ilia, however caught the little muffin and began petting it, cooing in a sticky-sweet voice; "Aaaaw, aren't you just the cutest little thing? I'm going to take you home and name you Timmy. And you'll be my Little Timmy-Muffin, and I'll take good care of you, and…"

"Wow, I think that this is the first time that Ilia has actually been useful in her life!" Link said, his eyes wide with belief.

"Let me GO!" Majora yelled, "I'll get you for this!" Ilia laughed and grinned like an idiot before running out Link's door with her newfound friend.

"Ilia there's a-"

WHUMP!

"-ladder…"

"Hey, who put a cliff here?" Ilia pouted from outside. "Hey, come back here, Timmy!" As the sounds of Ilia's clumsy, stumbling gait faded as she headed back into Ordon Village, both Skull Kid and Link heard the unmistakable cry of a distraught muffin.

"Nooooooooooooooooo!"

A/N: Well, there it is. I certainly hope somebody liked it. Um... Reviews and suggestions are certainly appreciated. :)