When I wrote this, it was like 11pm, and my brain was all like 'yay, switch-off time...' so if you notice any errors (grammar, spelling, punctuation etc) please tell me?

Also please leave a review cause it means a lot to hear what you think..

I'm gonna shut up now...

Here you go...

I picked up the pen and stared at the paper I had resting over a book on my lap. My initial intention was to write to him, I didn't want to block him out as such, I just don't want to hurt him. I'm a walking disaster that way, I feel like I hurt everyone I get near, that's one of the reasons I left DC I guess, and I couldn't take it, couldn't take just being his partner anymore, couldn't take the loss I felt there, Aba, Ari, the Director... I know there is still the sense of loss here in Israel, my mother's gone, Tali is gone, Ari and Aba are gone from here too, I feel so lost sometimes, like I'm never going to figure out how to fix everything.

During my thinking, my hand had begun to sub-consciously write, I looked at the paper,

"Dear Tony,

I'm sorry that I put you through all this, sorry for not telling you how I felt 5 years ago, I guess a part of me thought I'd ruin our friendship, now that I'm not with you I'm pretty sure that's not possible, pretty sure we were too close for that. But what if it had... What if I'd said something, and it had ruined everything, what if we messed it up.

I over-thought it and that's a big regret of mine. I wish I had just went for it, instead I tried to get over you, with Michael, with Adam, with Ray. I'm sorry I did that, I'm sorry I hurt you.

If I had a chance to see you again I wouldn't let you leave me, I'd stay with you, whether it be in DC, or here, I do not care, because now that you are gone, all I feel is this empty pain inside, it's almost numbing, but it hurts bad. I do not believe I have felt like this before. This amount of, well this amount of love towards someone.

I can't even begin to explain in a letter what I mean, but I thought it would be worth a try...

All my love, Ziva."

I stared at the paper again, a single tear falling down my cheek, I didn't even bother to wipe it away.

I took the letter and carefully put it into an envelope, neatly writing his address on it, and placing on a stamp. After a few minutes of internal debate, should I post it? Should I not? I shoved the letter into a drawer, and locked it, I couldn't do that, I couldn't pour my heart out into a letter, post it to him, and let him read how I felt. I don't know how it'd affect him...

I sighed in defeat and looked at the clock, it was 1am, I don't know where the time had gone. I got ready and went to bed, fully expecting yet another sleepless night, after the letter had be written though, I had felt some of the weight lift off my shoulders, not all of it, he still didn't know, but I guess I preferred it that way. I found myself drifting off to sleep for the first time since he left.

So, um... Yeah... what'd you think please?

(This is only my second fanfiction, first one-shot...)