Even though it's three months after the Hunger Games my life sucks.

Things still don't seem real to me yet. I won the games. I'm free to go home and continue living with my family and friends, the people I hold so dear to my heart. I seem free from the Hunger Games, but I'll never be truly free.

I relive the terrors every night in my sleep. I toss, turn, scream and cry, waking up with a shout and being afraid to close my eyes again because the pain is just too real. I remember a time when I dreamt about hunting in the woods, but now all that comes to my head is slaughter, pain and misery. These dreams blacken my soul, make me feel sick inside, make me feel like the whole world is against me, even though I know they are on my side. These dreams stop me from re-entering the world I had before. The world I once saw as a curse pales in comparison to this. This is my living hell. I don't want to go to sleep at night because I know what I'll have to experience the huger games, again and again and again. It's stopping me from truly living, stopping me from being myself. Or maybe I did that. After all I have lost myself along the way.

That girl you saw twirling around in her dress, blowing kisses to the audience has been replaced. Replaced by something far worse, she's turned into a killer, a cold-hearted murderer. Gale was wrong, killing people was very different from killing animals, it hurt, much more. All those people who had to die at my hands, they all had family and friends at home, hoping and praying that maybe they were going to be the ones to return.

And what about the rebellion, maybe I should have swallowed the berries when I had the chance. I would be dead, Peeta would have made it back safe, that's all I really wanted anyway. There would be no uprisings happening, which are causing many people to lose their life. Yes, it would have made everyone's life a hell of a lot easier. I don't want this life I have now, don't need this life, but do I deserve it? After all I've done, after all the people I've had to kill, maybe I do deserve to be dead. No, I won't be having suicidal thoughts, I want to live, or at least I think.

Think. That's what I don't want to do anymore. I've done enough thinking for one day, trying to wrap my head around all my thoughts. How does Haymitch do it? Not think about all he has experienced. But then I picture him in his drunken state, bloodshot eyes and stumbling wherever he went. That's how he does it. I consider my options, I can continue having to think about everything I'm trying to get away from or I can drink the way Haymtich does, which will make me forget about everything for a little while. I don't know why I pretend to think about it really, it's quite an easy option.

I slowly walk back to Haymitch's house. I don't see him as I enter the house but I can smell a stale alcohol sent emanating from the room. I'm not surprised when I find Haymitch passed out on the floor, a half empty bottle in his hands. I can see the contents of his stomach, around his face. The Smell makes me want to vomit myself, however somehow i manage to keep my lunch down I decide not to disturb Haymitch and leave him lying there. I walk over and run my fingers along the different bottles aligned on the table. There are so many option that I'm stumped at which one to choose: Brandy, Burbon, Vodka, Beer, Absinth and many more. Without thinking, I just take one and leave.

My vision becomes blurry and it's becoming harder to think by the minute. The alcohol burns my throat and I despise the bitter taste but its the only choice I've got. As I take more sips the dizziness become more apparent and I can feel my thoughts slipping away from me. This is what I wanted wasn't it? To not think and for all my thoughts to be gone. The pain is becoming stronger by the minute and I can't take it anymore. Even with the giant pounding in my head I concentrate so hard to pull my thoughts into place before they are gone for good. I hang onto them long enough to allow myself to decide that I wasn't going to drink anymore. This is not the way. Not the right way anyway.

If I want to truly be free then I have to remove my thoughts without any consequences. What's the point of relieving one problem just to bring on another? I lose grip on the bottle and it shatters on the ground. Good, I think. That way I can't drink anymore

I can't remember what happened between then and the time I found myself on Peeta's front porch later that night. I'm not sure what made me go there, but I knew it was for a reason. Along with all the bad there has been one other thought that's always floating around my head and failing to leave. The thought that's always stuck in my head is Peeta. No matter how much I try I cannot stop thinking about him either.

Did I make a mistake by telling him that it was all just an act? Do I actually love Peeta? Or is this all the alcohol left in my system playing tricks on me. He's such an easy guy to love, why must he be like this?

Then I think of Gale and all the time we have had together. Hunting in the woods and selling at the black-market, not to mention the numerous disagreements we had. I do love Gale, only in an older brother type of sense. Now I have to find where my feeling for Peeta lie. Even though I don't want to I can't help thinking back into the games and the times with Peeta. The way that I cried out his name when they announced that there could be two winners from the same district. How I risked my own life to get the medicine he needed to survive. How I couldn't kill him when it came down to it. How I didn't want my life without Peeta in it so badly that I was willing to die with the berries. We both were. I'm bound to Peeta, for better or for worse.

By now I have tears running down my face. I am about to ring his doorbell when I see a figure opening the door. I fall into Peeta's arms and he cradles me. I feel so safe having him holding me that I never want to let go. It's at this point that I realize I do love Peeta and it isn't just the alcohol talking. While I continue to sob I manage to say "I love you." He strokes my hair and replies in his calm yet loving voice "you too Katniss, you too"

When I wake up in the morning I have an exploding headache and my breath reaches just like Haymitch's usually does. I try to get up but sudden nausea overcomes me and I find myself sprinting to the bathroom. I vomit up all that was left in my stomach, feeling more ill by the minute. When I look in the mirror I can see tearstains and my eyes are red and puffy. I look like a wreck. In hope that it will make me feel more refreshed I take a cold shower. When I hop out I can smell coffee coming from the kitchen. Peeta has prepared me a fine breakfast of eggs and bacon along with a pot of coffee. I wonder if he could tell I had been drinking last night. "So katniss" Peeta pipes us with a small smirk on his face. "Did you really mean what you said last night, or was it the alcohol talking." So he does know. I sift through my thoughts in an attempt to find what he was talking about. The whole night just seems like a giant blur and I struggle to remember much. I do however remember a feeling, a feeling of safety and comfort. I was in Peeta's arms and… oh my god, I told him I loved him. I do don't I, so what's the big deal?

"Oh, what could ever have happened last night" I say in a cheeky giggly, sarcastic voice. I throw a pillow at him and he starts chasing me around the room. We laugh, run, jump, tickle, play and throw pillows at each other. This is the most fun I've had in a very long time. After minutes of running around we both sink onto the couch and he gives me a soft kiss on the lips. The way he kisses me if so passionate and pure that it makes my heart melt. "I do love you peeta"

Days later while I'm lying in bed I hear a noise on my front door. Silently I creep out to see who it is. There is a man standing there. His facial features glow in the moonlight. His dark brown hair and light brown eyes stand out most of all. "It's been so long" he says and strokes the bottom of my chin. "So long since the last time I saw you…. Katniss, I am your father"

"My,-my what" did he just say father. No he couldn't have, my father died years back in a coal mining accident. "I know it may be hard to believe, but it's true." Tears start to form in my eyes. I want to hit him, hit him so hard for leaving me. "Why are you crying Katniss, are you not happy to see me?" "Happy, Happy,why would I be happy" I practically screamed. "I was just a child, our family needed you, WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE US! WHY WOUlD YOU LEAVE ME! Surly you knew what would happen without you, but you left anyway!" He just looks down at his feet. I can see guilt all over his face. "You disgust me." "Katniss, listen for a minute" he pleads. "I didn't want to leave I had to." I look up at him. "That got your attention didn't it. I had to leave because the capitol was after me. That makes two of us I mutter "I did something horrible. I killed a very important person to the capitol." I gasp in shock, why did I need to hear this, why now. I begin to sprint off when I hear his voice again "Now wait, please, there is something you have to understand, i didn't realize what I was doing at the time, It was a complete accident. I was in the woods hunting when he came. I acted on impulse and shot him right through the heart. The capitol leaders where outraged when they found out what I did to their friend. I had to run or else I knew I was going to be murdered by them. So I faked my own death and escaped."

"It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. You hurt me beyond repair, I HATE YOU. Ok the damage has been done. You should have never have returned. I bet you didn't know that after you left I got stuck with looking after the whole family. I wonder if you were even thinking of me then. NOW PLEASE JUST LEAVE. You killed someone, you don't even deserve to be here." I scream while crying

"Like, you can talk, you killed many people." "How could you even bring that up! I didn't have a choice. Or would you prefer me DEAD! It was hard enough in the games but you coming here and telling me how I killed people. JUST LEAVE, I don't need you. I didn't before and still don't.

Why? Why did he have to come back? Why did he have to intrude in my life? Without thinking I run to the middle of town. I walk past an alcohol shop. "Well it worked last time" I say. I pay the man then walk of into an abandon street. I sit down in a spot and drink it. Just letting go of all the events in the night. "You never learn do you Katniss?" I manage to say before I become to wasted that I can't do anything else. The next thing I know a blurry shadow is making it's way towards me. Is it Peeta? I can't tell. Before I have a chance to do anything he has out his hands rapped around me, dragging me away from where I once sat. I want to scream or run but I can't. I can only stay paralyzed in fear because I know what's happening next.

My arms bleed heavily from being scraped across the floor. The man doesn't say a word but continue to pull me. I can make out more shadows staring down on me now. Two of them grab my arms and legs and pin me down. One of the men pulls something out of his pocket. I can take a pretty accurate guess and say it was a syringe because the next moment there is a stinging pain coming from my right arm. They are injecting something into my bloodstream, most likely a drug. Well whatever it is it knocks me out quickly

I wake up a few hours later in a pitch black area. While struggling with a hangover I still have to figure out where I am. If I didn't know any better I'd say it was the back of a truck. I hear a moan from the corner and immediately run over. I am not prepared for what I see.

Peeta is lying there on the ground, bloody and barely breathing.

I don't know what to think. Don't know what to feel. How can this happen? Why does it have to happen to him? He's the nicest, smartest and kinds person who has ever been in my life. All of a sudden the only thing I feel is rage. I'm going to find whoever did this; and I'm going to kill him, I promise you.

I slam my hand on the wall over and over again. "LET ME OUT" I keep screaming, even though I know no one is going to come. By now my knuckles are badly bruised and my palms are bleeding. "Enough, enough" I hear a familiar voice emerging from beyond the dark." Gale, has he come to rescue us. A wave of hope comes over me until I realize I was wrong. "Please, all the banging and screaming is doing my head in." He has a dark look across his face and instead of his green sparkling eyes all I can see is a pool of blackness. "Gale, pl-please help us."

"Is it just me or is it getting hot in here." I can see a smile forming that I've never seen on his face before. "G-Gale why are you here." He moves slowly towards me. "I want your love, I don't want to be just friends…. Give me everything tonight." He stares at me so hard that I can feel a chill beginning to form. "You don't want me Gale, please, I'm with Peeta now." "But I do, Because your love is my drug." I am horrified with what I hear, but to make matters worse he has begun unbuttoning his shirt. "NOOOOO, who do you think you are, tearing our love apart " Peeta exclaimed as he leapt toward gale. As he did Gale drew out his weapon, aiming it right a Peeta's chest. As they collided Gale plunged his knife deep into Peeta's heart. I could see the pain form on Peeta's face as he stumbled back into my arms. "I love you" he managed to mumble before he took his last breaths and died in my arms.

I'm too angry to cry. I feel too much hatred towards Gale to mourn. I pull the knife out of Peeta's chest, lift it up besides my face and begin to walk in Gale's direction. "You evil little monster, by killing Peeta you killed a part of my soul, the half the meant the most to me. I loved him gale" I take more steps closer and I can sense he's becoming nervous. "But don't worry, you will pay" I charge towards him with my knife but with his quick reflexes he manages to remove it from my grip. "I love you too Katniss" Gale begins. "Aren't I enough for you." "You'll never be able to compare to Peeta, NEVER" I scream. "Oh quit your moping, he was just an obstacle in the way of our love that needed removing. No harm done at all." "You don't get it do you. I LOVED HIM, something you and I will never have." For a moment I see a green sparkle in his eyes. It's like he distorted back into himself for a minute. The sparkle comes back, but this time he manages to catch onto it. "G-Gale."

He doesn't respond but appears to be clawing his face, almost like he's fighting with himself. "It's not my fault, the Capitol injected a high powered mind altering drug into my system to make me want you, to make me need you." Is all he manages to tell me before the sparkle leaves and all is left is the black pool of darkness I saw before. I don't know what to make of this knew information. On one hand it's good because I know he didn't do it intentionally but on the other, it's very, very bad. How do I kill him when I know he couldn't control what he did? How do I kill him if it wasn't really him who killed Peeta?

"Leave" He looks stunned at my response. "If any part of the real you can hear me, then get out of here. Start a new life in another district. One without me, because even though you say that this is only the drugs talking…" The Green in his eyes starts to come back, for good this time. "I know there is a part of you that does love me. I don't love you gale, please go."

He looks me in the eyes, and I look directly back into his. If I didn't know any better I'd say I could see little teardrops forming in them. "Is this truly what you want?" "Yes" I say without another moments thought, regret or hesitation.

He runs off into the night, never to be seen or heard of again.

Dear Diary

Love is about never having to say you're sorry

When you love someone you'll do anything.

You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain.

When you want someone.

When you need someone.

When you love someone.

You'd risk it all no matter what may come.

Love is saying that I'd cry for you.

I'd lie for you.

I'd do anything.

I'd lie for you.

Thank you Peeta.

Months have passed. I still miss Peeta and sometimes I do cry over him but I know I will always cherish the time I had with him. Even though it hurt I know it's better to have love and lost, than to never have loved at all. I am so lucky that Peeta was willing to open his heart for me. I will never forget him; but I pray he's in a better place. I don't think I will every fully get over his loss, I may never love again, but somehow I have to stay strong, and fight for the both of us. I know you died at the capitals hands. But don't worry, I'm going to bring them down.

I love you Peeta. Always have, always will, even in death.

Love Katniss.

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