Disclaimer: I do not claim any ownership over the ideas of others incorporated into this fic. It all belongs to its rightful owners.
I.
"Bella?"
The sound of her name pulls her out of the thoughts she'd gotten lost in. When she looks to the source, she finds Edward staring at her with clear frustration painted across his features. It's the expression he wears whenever he's failed at reading her mind.
"Sorry," She murmurs in apology, both for her distraction and the block on her mind she can't control.
He'd been playing another one of the songs he'd written and the melody had lulled her mind into a trance, repetitive but soothing. She figures he asked for her opinion on the piece and the lack of reply had given away her absent-minded state.
He just nods his head in return and says, "I have to return you to Charlie's soon."
Understanding it's now time to leave, she gets up and waits for him to open the door to his room before following him down the stairs.
None of the other Cullens are in the living room when she and Edward enter. She suspects the majority of them are spread throughout the house but none make their presence known so she leaves without bidding any of them goodbye.
To be expected, she muses with a sigh as she follows Edward out of the house and to his car parked in the driveway.
She hadn't seen any of them when she arrived with him, Edward having directed her straight to his room, and the lack of any encounter was an accurate reflection of the past few days. Even when she thinks backs, the weeks before everything had been messed up were similar. The other Cullens have never interacted much with her, nor she with them; except Alice at times, and maybe Esme, but even then only once in a blue moon.
So that hasn't really changed, it's only become more evident in her mind.
.:.
"Leah?"
She turns her head at the sound of her name and finds her mother staring at her from the doorway with a frown fixed upon her face.
"What is it, Ma?" She asks, annoyed at the interruption, wondering what she'd possibly done wrong now. The past few months have felt like everyone was turning against her, things fucking up one way or another, and her mother has been at her back more and more lately.
"I've asked you twice to go fetch your brother for an early dinner, and you're still sitting there. You know I have to head out in a few."
It's said with a tone of disapproval and a stern expression that tells tale of what will happen if her demand goes unheard once more, so with a sigh of resignation, she gets up off the couch to do as told.
Her steps resound heavily throughout the house as she climbs the stairs, making her way towards her little brother's room. She'd been watching T.V. before her mother had stepped in front of it, blocking her view, and her brother is not going to get any slack for causing her to step away.
Standing in front of her brother's door, she knocks three times in succession before loudly intoning, "It's dinner time, kid, you better hurry up before I go in there and drag you down myself!"
She waits a moment for a reply, but seconds later huffs in further annoyance when she's met with none. Knocking once more for emphasis, she opens the door to the room and prepares to shout much louder than before but ends up snapping her jaw shut when she comes face to face with an empty room.
"Seth?"
There's no answer to her question.
Huffing in annoyance once again as she's prone to do around her family, she makes her way back downstairs to inform her mother of her brother's absence.
Once she reaches the ground floor, she turns in the direction of the kitchen only to stop when she hears her mother's voice talking with someone in the living room. Rounding the rest of the way with slower steps, she freezes at the sight she's met with.
Her ex-boyfriend standing beside her no longer missing brother.
She hasn't seen him in a while, having gotten into the habit of avoiding his usual haunts to stop that very thing from happening. Him being in her home of all places brings to surface the turmoil of emotions the events of the past months have given her.
It's then that she catches Sam's reply, "It won't happen again Mrs. Clearwater, I'll be sure he gets back on time."
She watches in growing frustration as pleasantries are exchanged before Sam takes his leave, exchanging some words with Seth before finally going on his way. Once he's gone, she enters the room with a clear mix of confused anger on her features as she crosses her arms across her chest.
"What the hell was that?
.:.
The ride to her house is silent.
She stares out the window, once again losing herself in the turmoil of thoughts she's been falling into more and more these past few days. The steady blur of green lulls her just at the melody had beforehand, passing through her vision in flashes.
When she finally brings herself to glance at her side from the corner of her eye, she can tell Edward has noticed her state. He's sitting with an upright posture and his gaze is concentrated out the front window, watching the road. He gives no indication to any discomfort or annoyance on his part otherwise, and she fails in saying anything about her inattention and lack of focus.
She just can't bring herself to offer up an explanation, or any form of conversation at all, even in the face of his reaction.
And so they sit in silence just as they have the past few days while the car speeds along the road.
Moments later, he pulls the car up into her driveway, empty except for the cherry red pick up she hasn't driven in a while. The lack of a police chief's cruiser is noticeable but neither comments on it.
She waits in the stillness, unsure how to breach it without making her haste to be free of it obvious.
He does it for her.
"I'll come by tonight," He tells her, doesn't ask, and she only nods in acknowledgement before exiting his car.
Standing next to the porch, she watches as he drives away. He backs out of the driveway expertly and then heads off in the same direction from which they came, on his way back to his house, not once looking back at her.
With a sigh at the monotonous routine she somehow got sucked into, she looks up towards her house in slight trepidation. Knowing Charlie's not there and not wishing to go back to a room she'd spent hours upon hours sullen and depressed in, she decides to take a walk instead. She needs to clear her mind with some fresh air and the life felt in the wooded nature surrounding the town, something she'd done often in the weeks following her months of perpetual catatonia.
The cherry truck sits untouched as she heads off in the direction of the town square.
.:.
She ignores her mother's urging to stop, walking hurriedly to her truck. Knowing what exactly that was had pushed her to leave the house altogether, needing to get away for a while. Her brother had been hanging out with him of all people, and that was why he hadn't been in his room when she'd gone to get him. Sam had kindly brought him home, her mother said.
Please, he doesn't know the definition of kind, she scoffs, approaching her truck.
All that's going through her head besides the events of the past few minutes are thoughts of escape, and she complies readily with those urges.
Turning towards her mother right before she goes to open the driver side door, in a voice strained with the effort of controlling her anger and frustration, she tells her, "I'll be back soon, Ma, okay?"
Hopping into the car without waiting for a response, she turns on the engine and backs out of the driveway before making her way off the reservation.
She wonders if things will ever start looking up for her.
.:.
It's been three days since the Cullens returned with her to Forks.
Three days since she jumped off that cliff in a haze of pain and confusion, only the thought of brief respite clear in her mind. Since Alice had come back after failing to see her getting pulled out of the water by Jacob, and she followed her to Italy in an effort to save Edward from a severely misguided attempt at death at the hands of the Volturi.
Since she ended up with a set due date to be changed into a vampire.
And throughout those three days, she has found herself more and more unsure of the decisions she's made.
Of her desire to become a vampire.
It's become clearer and clearer to her in the few days following those events that she's not as vital a member to the Cullen family - or well, coven - as she'd thought.
All of them left her without a thought to how their abandonment would affect her, or even to how she might still be hunted by the remaining members of James' coven.
They left her with no goodbye and no explanation. None except for the cruel words Edward told her right before he left her out there, alone in those woods with no clue as to how to get back. It'd taken another coming upon her, a Quileute that had carried her back to her home after finding her out there what must have been hours after Edward had gone.
She hadn't been aware of much, then.
But his words still echo in her mind even now.
They echo as he goes to embrace her, and as he drives her to and from his family's home, and even as she talks to the other Cullens on those rare moments they approach her - over and over.
Those words that have yet to be followed by an apology, words that have been left hanging as a piece of truth that cannot be erased from her memories. Edward has just reverted back to how he behaved before everything went wrong, and the other Cullens fell right in line, seemingly disregarding those months she struggled to find the energy to even get out of bed to use the bathroom.
She doesn't think most of them are even aware of all she went through.
And that's what truly causes her to realize her lack of permanence within the Cullen household, her lack of importance. Not the abandonment where they all up and left with no problem, but the lack of notice of said abandonment and all she had gone through.
She thinks her doubts wouldn't have grown so much if they'd told her why. If they just apologized and meant it, and assured her it wouldn't ever happen again.
Edward just completely pushed aside those months they were separated by his hand. He never once brought it up, just embracing her when she diverted his attempt at exposure and not letting go of his hold for the longest time. Once they returned, it all went back to how it was before she was left with no one to talk to about all she'd been through, and that was that it seemed.
Alice, the person she'd considered to be her best friend up until those events, had brought it up once. She hadn't apologized but rather scolded her for her lack of care when she returned to Forks to see if she had truly died. And moments after, they'd had to leave because she'd had that startling vision of Edward's impending death, and the abandonment was brushed aside by her as well.
She wasn't as close to the other 'kids,' spending all her time at the Cullen's with either Edward or Alice, mostly the former these days, and she doesn't hold much anger at any of the others because of that.
Just disappointment, really.
Esme still treats her as a mother would, as she'd done before, but her gestures are tainted by the abandonment and she can't bring herself to fully believe in the motherly love the woman offers.
It's all changed for her.
And she's yet to tell them of Laurent's attack and his words of warning about Victoria, unsure of how to bring it up without mentioning what's become the elephant in the room.
Their months of absence.
So now, even though she's become aware that she might not have a happy forever after with the Cullens, at least not the one she thought she would've had, she no longer has the option to 'opt-out'.
She's tied to them, to him, for the foreseeable future.
There's nothing to be done now.
She's to become a vampire after graduating if she wants to live, the Volturi having told them to visit once more in June to be sure they've followed the order. It's clear to her that they will not hesitate to hunt her down and kill her if she tries to escape her fate. And so resignation to said fate has started to seep into her as she finds no way out of carrying out her part of the deal - subjecting herself to the change - that does not include willingly offering herself up to be killed.
That will never be an option to her.
Not anymore.
She'd realized right after she jumped off that cliff that death is not something she wants for herself, ever.
And really, that's the only true upside to her situation; immortality. She won't have to fear death for a long time now, won't even have to fear the effects of old age.
But that's not much of an upside, she thinks.
Headlights suddenly flashing to the left of her shock her out of the deep trail of thought she'd been in since choosing to take that walk into town earlier.
She looks at the oncoming truck with a mixture of shock and horror, a split second thought of how she's going to die despite it all passes through her mind before she covers herself with her arms in fright and the sound of screeching tires meets her ears.
And then nothing.
Looking up, she sees that the driver had managed to twist the truck around enough that it stopped just inches away from her. She gets up and rushes towards the driver, wanting to make sure they're alright and feeling at blame for not paying attention before crossing the road.
Death must follow her around, waiting for it's chance, with how many times she's come close to it in the past year alone.
.:.
She's tired of being dismissed again and again whenever others so please. Tired of having people abandon her for another. Just plain tired of all the crap that's been thrown at her since that day months ago. The day she found out her then boyfriend Sam had left her and gotten together with her cousin.
And things just keep piling up on her.
She'd thought Sam was it for her, the one she would be with for the rest of her life, until his sudden distance and then the reveal of his new relationship with Emily had torn that image apart.
He never even officially dumped her, just expected she'd know it's over once she found out he was with another now, her cousin, and that's part of what keeps her anger at him simmering.
His lack of consideration for her feelings.
On that day, she had arrived at her cousin's place to talk about the problems she'd been having with Sam only to find him wrapped around Emily, kissing her.
It had been the deepest of betrayals to her, from both of them.
After Sam and Emily got together, she no longer had a boyfriend or a confidant. She was left with no one to talk to, and her emotions just kept bubbling up inside her 'til they exploded at the most inconvenient of times. At school, at home, she was losing control steadily before a talking to from her mother calmed her somewhat (though not fully).
She started hanging out with her brother and his friends Jacob, Quil and Embry more after that.
But one by one, they all started to change until they each abruptly joined Sam's gang of assholes and left her to sit on the outside. And so her friends, the little she had then, have joined Sam's little gang, denying any answers to the growing list of questions she has about what the hell is going on with them all. It's like part of the initiation is to become an asshole and ditch all previous acquaintances.
What has her driving from the reservation in anger now though is that her little brother, Seth, the last person she ever thought would do so, is the latest addition to Sam's gang. Even after the past couple of months without the others and their shared dislike of the others' behavior, he still betrayed her.
Just thinking about it causes her anger to spike, and she fights to calm it down as her mother taught her to.
It's as she's taking in a deep breath, closing her eyes for a brief second and inhaling before opening them again as she releases it in a rush, that she becomes aware of the lone figure walking across the road in front of her.
She quickly hits the brake and turns the truck as fast as she can to avoid hitting the figure, closing her eyes in fear this time as the truck screeches to an abrupt stop. Not feeling or hearing the truck impact anything, she sags in relief.
Fuck, that was close, she thinks.
Then jumps up in shock at the sudden movement from her truck. She looks to the left through the driver's side window to see that the figure - the girl - she'd almost run into was trying to open the door in a panic. Figuring out that she must be concerned, she knocks on the window and puts her hands up in a calming motion when frightened, widened eyes fall upon her.
Gesturing for the girl to step back, she pushes open the door with just a bit of force and jumps down, a bit unsteady on her legs until the girl comes to her side and helps steady her.
It's then that she realizes who said girl is.
"Bella?"
.:.
Rushing to the driver's side, she tries to open up the door with no luck until a tapping sounds and she looks up to see that the driver of the truck wants her to back up so she can get out.
She does as asked, watching as the girl hops down after popping open the door that'd given her trouble. She quickly moves to assist the girl when she sees her stumble on her feet a bit, wrapping an arm around the girl to help her regain some balance.
The sudden sound of her name shocks her though, and she looks up to see that she does know the driver.
Leah, her mind provides. She's one of Jacob's friends at the reservation, or at least was. Thinking back, the other girl hasn't really hung out with them in the last couple of months. Not since Bella herself found out Jacob became some kind of werewolf.
She wonders if that's why she hadn't seen the girl the last few times she hung out with Jacob before the Cullens' return.
Her lips slip into a frown then, knowing how straining keeping a secret about the supernatural's existence can be on relationships. Charlie could not understand her level of devastation when he believed Edward was just a high school boyfriend she would've eventually broken up with. He'd tried to be there for her when she'd felt her whole world had just collapsed, but she'd lost a whole family she herself had believed to be her forever after, and she couldn't tell anyone.
Until she found out about Jacob and the pack.
When she found out that her childhood friend knew about the existence of supernaturals, of vampires, and that he himself was some sort of werewolf, her world got better. She could now talk to someone who knew, who wouldn't call her crazy and have her committed for talking about her relationship with a family of vampires.
He helped her regain a better perspective of life, and she's thankful to him for that.
But thinking of him for the first time in days makes her realize she hasn't been by since the day Alice came back to check if she had died.
I should visit him soon, she absently notes.
"Bella?"
She's brought out of her thoughts by the sound of her name once again, and she looks up in embarrassment to see Leah looking at her in confusion. She really needs to stop losing herself in her mind every other minute. It's truly become a habit now.
"Sorry," she apologizes, as always, before continuing in concern when she remembers how she had run into the girl, "Are you alright though?"
"Am I alright?" Leah asks her in seeming disbelief before gesturing to her truck, "I'm the one who almost ran you over because I wasn't paying attention to the road!"
She shrugs and offers, "I hadn't been paying attention either so I guess we're both at fault then."
It's what she believes to be the truth, she was partly at fault for her lack of awareness, but her words cause the other girl to look at her in consternation for a moment before shaking her head and asking, "Are you okay? I didn't think I hit you but I'm not so sure now."
The implication behind her words is lost to her so she just shrugs it away.
"Yeah yeah, I'm fine," She replies honestly.
A nod from Leah and the two fall into silence, unsure how to proceed. They never interacted much when she would go to the reservation. She usually stuck by Jacob and just stood around with him when his friends would join them, so she's unsure what to say to the girl she hasn't even interacted with in weeks.
The sudden rush of a car passing by them with a honk of warning causes them both to realize they're still in the middle of the road.
It breaks the silence.
She looks up towards the other girl as Leah offers to take her wherever she'd been heading.
"To make up for almost turning you into roadkill," she jokes.
And for a moment, she thinks about denying her. But then she figures with her state of mind as of late, she'll be better off accepting the ride and getting home in one piece, safe and sound.
Physically, at least.
.:.
Bella gives her the address to her house before silence once again falls between them.
The lack of conversation between them is not uncomfortable. Even when the girl came to the reservation to hang out with Jacob, the two of them never really talked except for polite exchanges.
She was just Jacob's childhood friend who would sometimes be there while they were all hanging out.
All she really knows about the girl is that she was with a Cullen before they all left. The legends the tribe have passed down happened to have the name Cullen in it, and so the family isn't allowed on the reservation and an eye is kept on their going ons around Forks. If you heard the legend, you knew a Cullen was dating the police chief's daughter by association.
Not to mention, Jacob would always whine about it.
He had broken up with her though, Jacob had told her, and that was apparently why she had been so down at first. The girl was visibly upset when she had started coming around, but she seemed to have gotten better as the weeks passed.
Looking at the girl from the corner of her eye now, however, she can tell that she's down again. Briefly, she wonders what could've happened since it seems the girl got back what she'd lost. The Cullens have returned according to the idle chat she overhears and Bella hasn't been around the reservation since then, so she must be hanging with them again.
She must have gotten back together with the Cullen, so she's unsure why the girl looks as down as she'd been before.
If anything, she looks even more hopeless.
Had Jacob still been talking to her, she might have told him about all that happened and her observation of how the girl seems to be feeling down. But he's not, so she just pushes it out of her mind.
It's not her business, she's just taking the girl home to make sure she gets there alright.
Not longer after she resolves to just ignore it all, she pulls up in front of Bella's house. She breaks the silence asking Bella to confirm it's the right place, pulling her out of the daze she seemed to have gotten lost in.
"Oh yeah, thanks."
The other girl mutters at her before picking up the bag she'd had on her and hopping out of the truck. Right before driving off again, she sees Bella waving at her and returns the gesture with her own wave and a nod of her head.
When she's far enough away not to be noticed, she turns to look back at the fading figure before refocusing on the road.
It's time for her to head back home and apologize to her mother before she heads off to work.
.:.
It's the third silent car ride of the day.
She's lost count of the number for the past few days. Most spent with Edward, an awkward one with Charlie when he picked her up from the Cullens the day she returned from Italy, and now Leah Clearwater.
An odd addition to her list, for sure.
Leah doesn't seem to notice the silence though, or maybe she just doesn't mind it as much as she herself does.
Their goodbye is as succinct as their whole encounter had been.
Her stomach growls as she's watching Leah's truck drive off, reminding her that she's yet to eat dinner, and she pushes the odd encounter out of her mind as she does with most things lately.
She makes enough dinner for her and Charlie, leaves his in the microwave and puts a note on the counter for him to see when he returns from his long shift at the station. Mindless television accompanies her dinner and the following hours before she heads up to get ready for bed.
It's a school day tomorrow, Spring Break now officially over, and she has to go to sleep earlier than she has been the past week.
Her dreams aren't really welcoming.
Edward's there when she enters her room, and she pauses for a second before continuing to her dresser.
She'd genuinely forgotten he said he'd come by tonight. It used to be what she looked forward to most nights, a disappointment when he wasn't there. But now, it's just become another part of the routine.
"I'm gonna shower," she tells him and waits for his nod of acknowledgement before making her way towards the bathroom she shares with Charlie.
As she's washing herself, she contemplates ending the relationship for a few solid seconds. She dismisses the thought almost as quickly as it comes to her mind though. It'll only make things worse, she decides. And so she commits to doing as he's done and reverting back to how it'd been before, continuing with the routine that's been established.
At least until she's figured things out.
Stepping out of the shower, she makes quick work of putting on her sleep attire, suddenly exhausted and just wanting to succumb to sleep already despite what it may bring her.
She'll push it all away to deal with at another time, again.
When she enters her bedroom, he's laying on her bed with his arms stretched out in seeming invitation and a big part of her hates that he no longer needs to be convinced to do so. Before he had left, even before her dreaded birthday party, she'd had to tell him that she couldn't sleep well without him holding her to get him to agree to lay with her.
She's not so sure it'll bring the same comfort to her now.
Still, she complies and settles into his arms once she's climbed into bed as she's done multiple times before. And it seems she was right. With the revelations of late and the doubt that's creeping through her bones, it's no longer the comforting embrace it once was.
Even the coldness of his body bothers her now.
At least she knows he'll be gone in the morning and she'll have seven hours of school to ruminate over things once more.