Hey, I did what I could, hopefully it's all clear now =]
Its night. You are walking furiously into the dark room, you are waiting. He opened the door, he is walking into the room. He leaves his jacket on the couch and raises his head to see your face.
"Tomi?"
You don't answer. You run, grab him and lead him to the bedroom. You fall over him on the bed, he gulps but you don't care. You start to kiss him, his face, his hair, his neck. Your hand is running frantically above his soft, white skin. You are panting. You want more from him, everything he can give you. You suddenly hear his voice, or now it's the first time you pay attention to his words.
"Tomi, easy. Please..."
"Take off your clothes."
"Tomi?"
"Now!"
He obeys. You watch him as he releases his beautiful body of every kind of cloth. His body stays naked, welcoming your kisses, touches, bites. It's yours. Bill reminds you every single day, hour, minute.
"On your knees and hands."
"Yes, Tomi.''
He never disapoints you, he never refuses anything to you.
"Take me Tomi, I'm yours. Oh, yeah, my love!"
He moans at the top of his lungs as your member thrusts inside him. Unprepared, fast, hard. He screams your name in euphoria. He wants to pleasure you, yes, everything he does is for your hapiness, your entertainment. He breathes to make you happy. After all, you and he are one, right? You begun as one single entity, and you continue to be.
Like now, he is staying on all fours, you are pulling his hair as you fuck him like it's the last time you'll feel each others touch. Every cell inside you gets excited as you feel the hotness from his body. You enjoy making love to bodies swept, lustful, unique.
You take a cigarette. It's one of your after-sex habits.
"Tomi."
You hear the known nickname. He turns into a ball next to you, like a playful cat. So seductive, he gives you his body like Eve gave the apple to Adam. He gives you the sweetest sin you ever imagined. Himself.
He starts to kiss your neck, then your chest, he sucks your nipples, he travels his mouth on your flesh. You are moaning, your eyes closed, you feel grateful for his gift.
"Oh God, Billa!"
You feel his tongue in your member. What a hot, lust feeling. It drives you crazy. His mouth runs up and down your cock, fast and good, making you see stars. You came violently, screaming in pure satisfaction. Suddenly, his lips meet yours in a slow, silent kiss that lasts only a few seconds. He smiles.
"I love you, Tomi."
Aww, you are the love of his life. So sweet.
He is yours, too. Right?
Right?
Why are you stressed, Tom? You are feared, I know. You talked with your mother. Hmm, Simone is a really good woman, but let's be honest. What if she finds out that you and Bill aren't just brothers?
Oh sorry, I forgot, thinking about it makes you sick.
"What the hell, if someone..."
If someone saw a fleeting kiss from Bill in your lips, if he saw your hand rested on your brother's hip, if a hotel assistant hears your moans when you have your most sacred time of the day? Can you even imagine the scandal? Your mother's eyes when she is informed that her beloved boys are commiting incest? Oh God. What about your father, Gordon, Gustav, Georg, the fans?
You throw your cigarette in an ashtray, nowdays, you are smoking a lot. You want to make things clear. Oh, my boy. An hour later, you are taking deep breaths, you opened the door and you walk into the room. He is watching TV, waiting for you.
Your presence in the room made him leave his seat so he could welcome you.
"Tomi, I missed you!"
He tries to kiss your lips, but you turn your head. The happy expression disappears from his face. It's not replaced by a sad nor an angry grimace. He's just worried. What's wrong with his Tomi?
"My love, are you alright?"
"Don't talk to me like that..."
Your eyes look to the floor. When you lift them, you see a frozen Bill staring at you like you are insane.
"Tomi, what?"
"I am leaving."
Silence. No sound from you, no sound from him. And suddenly, you see his hands trembling, his eyes watering, blood abandoning his cheeks.
"Wha-what? Tom, what are you talking about?"
"I... I said I am leaving, I have been talking with Georg, I will stay at his house for a while. Please, let's pretend that everything is okay. Deal?"
Now you are in front of your wardrobe, putting some clothes into a bag. He stares at you, shocked.
"Wh-why the hell, why?"
He is heart is arching but this has to be over.
"We can't be together anymore, Bill."
You feel his hands on your shoulders, his head on your neck. You feel his tears. "Tomi, Tomi please, what have I done? Please tell me and I will fix it."
"There's nothing wrong with you."
And you broke that last, weak hug.
"Tom! Tom please, don't leave me... TOM!"
"Hush! It's over!"
"No, no, my God... but why?"
"Bill, how the hell can't you think about people when you know we are doing something like this? They will find us disgusting! They won't even approach us!"
A sudden passionate spark in his eyes made you to stop your speech.
"Oh really? Do you care about the others?"
You don't eyes try to read his, wondering what will be his next move.
"Do you fucking care about the others? Why? Where the fuck were they when that asshold Jorg abandoned us? Where were they when bullies made our lives a living hell! Where were they when mum was unemployed and we couldn't even afford our dinner? Where were they when we had only each other to support! Eh? Answer me!"
Tom, you get scared when you hear your brother's violent confession, don't you? And what was more frightening? The cries?
Or the truth?
"Bill, stop yelling, fuck, stop. Shut the fuck up!"
"No, I won't!"
"That's okay! Anyway, we're over!"
You tried to grab your bags from the floor. You felt his cold trembling hands on yours.
"Tom, Tomi, I am sorry!"
You look straight into his eyes, to his beautiful, amber eyes, identical to yours, now watery, desparate.
"Bill, I can't handle this anymore. Okay, screw everyone, but mum? What about mum? What if she finds out? She will kill herself!Did you ever think about it, Bill? I don't know about you, but I am sure as hell that I don't want her dead or crazy!"
You can't see his face, it's hidden behind his raven hair as he stares the floor. You just hear his whisper.
"Mom gave us life to live happily. As we want, as we will feel that we are pleased..."
He stopped talking. He took a deep breath, he's a complete feel sorry for him but you don't change your mind. Oh, poor Tomi.
"If we have to be lovers instead of brothers to live happily, and she really loves us, she will understand. If not, then she doesn't love us. Simple."
You roll your eyes. Bill is always so absolute in his thoughts.
"Tom, we've been together since we were in the womb. We are meant to be together."
"What the fuck are you talking about? Every pair of twins should be a couple and lovers?"
"If they are like us, yes! The majority of children don't have a band at 13, don't work in a studio half of the day, don't have to face the music industry with no-one to support them, got it?"
"It was our choice!"
"Exactly Tomi, music is our choise. Like our love."
You feel embarassment about your 'love'. You just want it to be finished.
"Bill... we are just 2 different people."
"No, Tomi, no! We are the same. Same blood, same cells... same soul."
He stands right in front of you, he touches your arms, he rests his face to your neck. You can feel his breath on your skin.
"Your are mine, like the blood, it runs into my vains. I am yours like the heart beats in your chest. We are one."
You grab his hands, releasing yourself from his embrace.
"No, we are just two different pieces of the same glass. But the glass is broken. Goodbye."
You take your suitcase, you start walking to the door. He didn't follow, his body is too fragile to do it.
"Tom! Tomi, please... I haven't got anyone else!"
Last glance to your brothers tearful face.
"Neither have I, Bill."
And you left. You left your Billa, crying, yelling, hitting the walls, until he rests his exausted body to the carpet. One word escaping from his lips.
"Liar, liar..."
You are a liar, Tom. But not the only one. Bill made it known that he belongs to you. You never said that you belong to him. He just believed it.
Your fault? His fault? In one way or another, he was lying to himself. With lies of love.
You feel guilty, but things will be fixed soon, for both of you. Or that's just what you hope. The world is so unfair! It's not easy for you, either. You want him. It's like you are addicted to him. How will you survive away his smell, his laugh, his kiss? Difficult but you have to.
Times passes, what a weird feeling. Like you are watching a never ending hourglass. "Everything is better now," you say. You miss Bill. Like someone took the half of your soul away... maybe Bill was right, but you don't want to think about it.
And Bill.
It was few days ago when Gustav found him unconscious and brought him to the hospital. Too much alcohol. You ran to visit him. He didn't accept you. Maybe it was better. Nobody wants to run a knife in an unhealed scar.
Well, it must be said that you are professionals. No problems in studio, interiews etc. Good. In conclusion, lying is your speciality.
Liars.
To people.
To each other.
To yourself.
Four months have passed. Four suffering months. You stayed at Georg's until you found an apartment to rent. You lie on the bed, you wish you could touch your brother's soft skin.
"I will get used to this," you say.
And now you can't stand it anymore. You are drunk. Whiskey doesn't help you, neither does smoking. You don't think about it anymore. With keys in your hand, you run to the garage. You don't mind that you have drunk too much to drive. You started the engine.
You knock on the door. The crummy black haired boy stays with his face on his hands, crying. Bitter habit of the four last months, offered by you.
"Billa? Billa, open up!"
The cries stopped. He was staring at the door.
"Go away."
"No, Billa please!"
"Well, you were really deaf when I was pleading to you."
"Billa, I am sorry, I am so sorry! I was so afraid when you needed to go to hospital! I can't forget you and I am worried about you!Please forgive me... please!"
Tomi, Tomi, Tomi... impressing enough that you can defend your desicion but you cannot keep it. Small steps, a body trying to keep its balance and two pale hands turned the key to the door. At least, you know that his love for you is way bigger than his selfishness.
But, wait.
You already know it.
"My love."
You hug him tighter than ever. You kiss his lips hungrily, your tongue tries to take every taste of Bill's mouth.
"Billa..."
You don't feel it when you lie down on bed, naked, biting his neck, licking every part of flesh on his delicate, pale spread his legs and push yourself in him, both of you moaning, wanting more and more. You thrust fast, wild, his moans and screams making you more aroused. You came almost together.
And now you're sleeping next to him. But you can't dream his thoughts, Tomi. He's afraid that you are still confused. That you wiil leave him all alone again. And he can't stand it, Tom. So he found a solution. You will descover it soon.
You wake up. You pull on your boxers from they were thrown to the floor.
"Billa?"
Eyes without sparkle, lips without colour, face as pale as death.
"Billa, are you okay?"
"Yes Tomi. Now you can be sure about it. Let's-lets rest a bit."
A weak smile only for you. Sweet.
And you sit next to him, welcoming him into your hug. Few minutes of silence, he is just like a scared kid in his mother's lap. And all of a sudden, you feel him trembling.
"Billa?"
"It's, oh, it's okay. It will be over soon."
"What? What are you talking about?"
You pull his face from your chest. His eye are unfocused. You saw black liquid running from the sides of his lips.
"Oh my God, Billa! What have you done?"
You're terrified, although you try to hear his little whispers.
"I couldn't stand to... lose you again. So I ended it. I can- I can't live without you, but I can die in your hands. That's- that's a happy death for me."
You lay him to the sofa, searching for your cellphone.
"No, Tomi please. Let me die. Please hug me, my love... please... please."
You disobeyed.
"How is he?"
"He will make it, but he is in bad condition, sir. Have you any idea why he took the poison?"
"Ehm? Eh... no, no."
Liar.
Tomi, you can't stop tears falling over your cheeks. "What the hell have I done?"
Well, that's a really interesting question, Tomi.
It's time to see him. He is still unconscious. Thank God no tubes are around his mouth, that means he is in good condition. You take a seat behind the bed. You try to stop crying. You want to talk. He won't listen to you but that's okay.
You won't be able to tell him these things if you knew he could listen. Maybe he knows it already. You can't hide from each other.
"I want you to know that I love you. More than everything in this wolrd, mre than my life. And that was my worst mistake. I thought I could keep my life away from yours. But I was so scared, about people, about our friends and most of all, about our mother. Remember when she married Gordon, a year ago? She is so happy, she admires us for being so close, like when we were children. She said me that she is so proud that I take care of you."
"I felt my knees tremble. If she knew what kind of care it is, she would lose her mind. I am afraid. That what we have is abnormal, unholy, disgusting for the majority of people in this world. They don't understand us, you said. Well, you were right, Billa. How the hell are we the only ones who feel that this relationship was sacred, normal? For us, it's the most normal thing in the world."
"Yes, we aren't like the other twins. We aren't just brothers. We are much more than that, people cannot get it. Sometimes, when I talked about you, I was avoiding calling you my brother. I don't feel you as my brother Bill. I feel you as my soulmate. People want to call us brothers, we aren't. We are a soul separate in half. My beloved lover, my other half..."
As tears continue to run over your face, you bend your face really close to Bill's. He is so innocent when he is sleeping, like a beautiful little angel. You touch his lips with yours, a sweet, light kiss. Just to feel the creature you care the most for. You don't give a damn if everyone notices. It doesn't matter.
Bill is like the water you drink. He gives you life. He is your life. But he suffered because of you, Tom. He would never make you feel so much pain.
"I... I just didn't want to betray my mother, my friends, my fans with lies..."
Oh, your excuse... really, Tom? You don't want to betray people?
But you commited the worst type of betrayal.
You betrayed your own blood.