I felt like I was drowning when I woke up, gasping for air like I had been held under water and then allowed to surface. My entire body ached. My legs, arms, chest, eyes, finger-tips.
It is strange – that moment you wake up, whether the dream was good or bad, there is always that moment before your memory kicks in, the blissful ignorance between sleep and consciousness.
And then those memories you briefly forgot come hurtling back to you, slamming into your brain like a freight train.
My heart feels like it is made of lead, heavy and aching inside my chest as I remember what has happened. Tears re-surface, stinging my eyes, even though I thought I had cried so much last night I would never be able to cry again, completely dried up and empty. I fall out of bed as if my body has no energy despite my restful sleep and crawl into the dark space underneath it, the cold floor providing a strange comfort. I need the darkness. I don't ever want to see the light again. It is too bright and it hurts too much.
I have ruined my life.
That is what keeps circling around inside my head.
I have lost just one thing. One person. But it feels like the world has ended and I have been left here alone. And it's my fault. I did this to myself.
I feel sick and broken and it hurts so much. Too much.
I see my stele glinting at me on the floor. I realise I cannot take it anymore. My mind is in a frenzy and I need to try again. Try to heal myself from this agony. The pain may be deserved but it is becoming unbearable.
I grab it and lift my arm to its touch before I notice there is no space on my left arm for another iratze. I hold the stele steadily in my left hand then and trace the lines on my right arm instead. I trace carefully and slowly, making sure I mark deep. It needs to be deep because I need to start to heal enough to get up and face the world. It stings, adding to the pain I am already feeling, but this pain is good because it will help. It has to.

"All I'm saying is people break up all the time. Even people who think they are in love. He is not the first person to ever go through this, nor will he be the last. And he really needs to snap out of it because it is completely unhealthy."
Jace looked at her sharply.
"Well maybe you've never been in love before," Jace started. Isabelle avoided his gaze, setting her eyes firmly to the floor. "I understand what he's going through," Jace told her indignantly.
"Oh yes, of course, because no one has ever been as in love as you and Clary. Forgive my cynicism, but don't you think every couple feels that way at some point?"
Jace took only a beat to consider.
"No. I think only a few, very lucky people, ever experience that kind of love."
"And you think that was Alec and Magnus? Seriously? They argued constantly. You can't suggest they were right for each other? An eighteen year old Nephilim and an eight hundred year old Warlock? His father is meant to be a Prince of Hell, you know. Hardly a suitable 'life partner' for my brother in my opinion…"
"Exactly," Jace cut in, "Your opinion."

At that moment, Clary breezed through the door of the kitchen, her red hair escaping from the scruffy knot on her head. Jace's heart always seemed to skip a beat when she walked into a room.
"Hey guys," she said, sounding rather untroubled. She poured herself a glass of water and took a few quick gulps before she noticed the tension.

"Ummm, did I interrupt something?" she asked tentatively.
"We were just discussing 'THE' break-up," Jace told her as he walked over to her and shrugged his arm around her.
"Which is none of our business," Isabelle emphasised. She cut Jace an icy stare.
"Isabelle was just saying how she thinks Alec should stop moping so much. Because, you know, he didn't just break up with the guy he was in love with or anything."
"I was saying that there were a lot of holes in their relationship and they were bound to break up sooner or later. They were always picking fights with each other, making each other miserable. It wasn't healthy. And now Alec can start recovering and move on." Isabelle held up her head haughtily, as if she had spoken with profound wisdom.

"And I was saying that their relationship was so normal that I could see them being together, bickering at each other, for the rest of their lives," Jace parried back. "Any idiot could see how in love with each other they were," he finished.
"Well, the rest of Alec's life…" Isabelle interjected.
"Wasn't that the problem though?" Clary enquired. "Alec didn't want Magnus to be immortal and Magnus wasn't prepared to give it up?"
"I think there is more to it than that," Jace told her.

Isabelle let out a long-drawn sigh and slumped down onto a chair. Jace knew she was only looking out for Alec, wanting him to get better. Without Alec they couldn't really be a team, he knew that. They needed Alec back. He would be needed to fight pretty soon and in his current state he was only really battling himself.

"Jace, you know what he's like. He needs to start distancing himself now. It doesn't look like Magnus wants to return his calls. I tried myself and quite frankly he was rude to me. I think he is going to disappear any day now and Alec is better off without him if you ask me. You know we can't afford for him to be distracted."
She dropped her head into her hands, she was always the strong one but he could tell she was lost right now having to protect her older brother. She deserved someone to protect her.

"What do you want me to do?" Jace resigned. She was right of course; no matter how much Alec's heart had been broken they couldn't afford to lose him now, not with what was coming.
"Make him stop trying to contact Magnus, I think that would be a start. And then make sure Magnus doesn't contact him either. I think he may be enjoying my brother's attention a little too much and if Alec stops calling I am sure his interest will start to perk up and it will have the complete opposite effect. We can't let that happen." She spoke flatly, coldly, hardly any emotion touching her steady voice. She was so much like her mother in that moment it was a little scary.
A silent tension built up in the room and they all dispersed, saying their goodbyes for the evening in awkward hushed voices.

Jace knew he had to help Alec out and he had been trying, but Alec didn't seem to want to get over Magnus. It had come to a head this evening – Alec had been shut up in his room since it had happened and had shunned most human contact. When Jace had gone in Alec would just be lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling or asleep. When Jace tried to talk to him, Alec would just ignore him completely or give him short, non-committal answers or just carry on dialling Magnus' number and then hanging up like Jace wasn't even in the room. Izzy had been taking him food and drink, but he had barely touched anything and tonight Jace had felt a sharp sting go through himself and his parabatai rune and knew it was Alec. He had rushed to his room with Isabelle but Alec seemed fine, curled up on his bed fully clothed and sleeping. At least, he had looked like he was sleeping, but Jace suspected he probably wasn't. But it was that small scare that Alec may have physically hurt himself that made them realise they had to do something.

They needed an intervention.

Jace bit his lip as he walked up to the door of Alec's room, contemplating what he might say. He stood there for a moment, not wanting to go in and face him.

"I know you're out there Jace. Leave me alone," Alec's voice resounded through the door and with that Jace pushed the door open and strode inside. Alec was sitting on the floor, his legs folded up against his chest and his back resting on the side of his bed. He was hunched over and gazing wistfully at his phone that he was propping up on his knees.

"Well there's a surprise. I didn't know if you'd be here or not," Jace told him sarcastically and flung himself onto Alec's bed.
"Hey, get off my bed..." Alec told him pathetically, but made no move to make him. Jace peered over the edge of the bed – it looked like Alec was composing a text message.

"Ah, deciding on the less annoying texting tactic I see," he goaded. But Alec didn't reply. Jace's heart sank. If truth be told he was starting to feel lost without Alec. Jace needed to train a lot to try and control this fire thing and he wished he could train with Alec. They were parabatai and he knew Alec would help him better than anyone else.

Maybe he was being selfish; he knew how hard it was to not be able to be with the person you were in love with, but they all needed Alec to be on form. They didn't know what was coming exactly, but full-out war looked likely and they all knew it was going to get very bad and very serious soon.

"So…" Jace ventured. Alec was silent."You want to come training?" Alec sighed, but didn't reply. Now Jace was becoming frustrated. He swatted the back of Alec's neck with his hand and accidently made his jumper catch alight. Alec jumped up with a yelp and Jace scrambled from the bed and tackled his parabatai to the floor where he rolled him and extinguished the flames.
Alec looked murderous.
"Ummmm, sorry about that," Jace told him sheepishly and then grinned apologetically at him.
"You can't go round burning people who don't want to play with you Jonathan," Alec told him sternly.

Jace began to laugh and, to his surprise, Alec started to join in. And there they were, both lying on the cold floor laughing manically. If anyone else had been around, they would have probably thought both of them had completely lost it.
"Well now you have seen what happens when you ignore me, Alexander," Jace breathed out between laughs. "Fear my wrath Shadowhunter," he teased.
They were still breathing heavily from the laughter and the shock of the fire, trying to catch their breaths when Jace reached over and touched Alec's arm lightly. Alec started and stared at him.

"It's a relief to hear you laugh," he told Alec with all sincerity. He then immediately regretted it because Alec's deep blue eyes became forlorn and lost once more before he got up with a huff, retrieved his phone and perched on the end of the bed. Jace let out a long sigh before he stood up and went over to join him.

"Please will you come training with me?" Jace tried to plead sweetly. Alec snapped his head up and looked at him with a mix of surprise and disbelief on his face.
"You honestly think that if you ask me nicely I will come out with you? I'm not going out now it's dark and too cold and I'm really tired. So just leave me alone ok?"
"Ok, tomorrow then?"
"Why don't you get it? I don't want to go anywhere!"
Alec flopped his head into his hands, discarding his phone onto the blankets.
"Alec… The truth is I need your help." At that Alec peered inquisitively from behind his fingers.

"I don't think I can control this all by myself. Everyone is trying to help and Jordan's meditation techniques are – unbelievably - helping a bit. But I need my parabatai. I need my brother. I need you Alec. Please."
Alec stared at Jace's face for a moment, searching for but not finding a trace of a joke or a lie. Alec dropped his hands from his face, but kept his eyes lowered.
"I'm sorry," he whispered in a small voice.

"Let's go to the park in the morning," Jace suggested and Alec took a deep breath and sat up slightly, a determination spreading across his face.
"Ok, I'll come training with you. Don't want you burning down the Institute or anything…" he said heavily. Jace sprang up off the bed with a huge smile on his face. This was definitely progress. He bounded to the door and then turned back to face Alec who was still sat stonily on the bed. Alec grabbed his phone and pressed some buttons.

Jace coughed and Alec looked up sharply at him.
"You might want to throw that jumper away now, it's pretty charred," Jace told him with a smile before leaving and hearing Alec curse loudly behind him as he, no doubt, checked out the damage to his clothing.
This was progress at least. He had missed training with Alec a lot.