I wasn't really sure what road this would go down when I started it and the end result may not be very agreeable to those who like Shenko. It is a Shenko fic just not pro-Shenko...maybe it's a little more pro-Kaidan. I guess it depends on how you look at it. Anyway if you can't stand anything that isn't pro-Shenko and full of happy endings this probably isn't the fic for you.
Kaidan and Shepard confront one another about their relationship. Rated T for slight violence. One-shot. Shenko-angst.
I do not own Bioware: If I had Shep wouldn't have worked for Cerberus.
Regret:
"Are you out of your mind!" Kaidan couldn't believe that she thought that it would be this easy...that she could just waltz in and pick up right where they had left off. Not after what she had done.
He found himself unable to look directly at her. Her image only made the bitterness within him burn deeper than he thought possible.
"I know your angry...you have every right to be...I would be too if I was in your shoes, but we can work this out." Although Shepard wanted to reach out to him in the hope that he might take her in his arms, she resisted. She had seen his anger before. One small mistake before he was ready would only cause him to react prematurely and walk out on her.
He shook his head, groaning beneath his breath.
Mustering the courage to look her in the eyes he said, " I thought I knew you...I thought that we were something special...I was just fooling myself."
The woman he had known only two years ago seemed like a distant memory...a ghost...a fading shimmer of the only good that had ever been in his life. He longed to reach out and grasp the image as it floated before his face, desperate to hold on to some remnant of the past, but it was gone before it had barely registered to be replaced by the cold hard facts of the woman that stood before him.
"I'm still the woman you've always known, Kaidan...deep down you know that." Her voice had softened and Kaidan imagined that he was once again back on the original Normandy. She had come to talk to him...to assess the crew. He remembered how his heart would race anytime she was near...how he nervously searched for the right things to say, and how he worried that he had said the wrong thing when she had left.
He had been surprised when she had voiced an interest in him...he had felt beneath her. He was convinced she could have had anyone she wanted and shocked when she had chosen him. What had at first seemed like battlefield flirting quickly grew into love...something he thought he would never find...at least not after Rahna.
The memories beckoned to pull him back into the illusion of what had been. He wanted to give in...wanted to go back to the way things were and perhaps, if he had not been so stubborn and walked away on Horizon they could have, but now as far as he was concerned it was too late.
"No...you're not my Shepard..you're not her," he muttered, " I don't know you."
The words hurt Shepard more than she could have imagined. Of all the people she had known in her lifetime, Kaidan had been the one who had known her the best. She had trusted him...still trusted him. As their relationship had progressed, she had found herself opening up to him in ways she never had with anyone before. She had told him of her past hurts, her dreams, and her hopes for the future. The little orphan girl from Earth had found someone to confide in...someone she could lean on whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on. She didn't have to be alone anymore.
He had been the first person she had thought of when she had awoken. He had loomed in the back of her mind even as she had quizzed Jacob about her crew and later, Anderson about his whereabouts. Finding him safe on Horizon had been one of her happiest moments and also one of her most devastating ones. Even the loss of some of her new crew mates had paled in comparison to the hurt she had felt when Kaidan had walked away from her. When he had left, he had taken her heart with him.
Now his rejection seemed trivial.
"Kaidan, you do know me...you know me better than anyone," she continued. Kaidan could hear the desperation rise in her voice.
"Why is she trying so hard?" he wondered.
"When you died...I felt like I died with you. The best part of me went down on the Normandy that day. I did my best to get past it...to carry on...try to live a normal life...but everything seemed empty. I resolved myself to the fact that I would probably feel like something... or someone...would be missing for the rest of my life. I had come to terms with it..." Kaidan once again avoided her face as he talked. He was afraid that his confession would move her to a response that he might not be able to resist.
"Kaidan...I," she interrupted.
"Let me finish!" He lowered his head.
"Seeing you on Horizon was the best thing that has happened to me in the last two years. You have no idea how much I wanted to...wanted to... just be with you, but you weren't alone. I saw Cerberus, and it was like you had chosen someone else...and it wasn't me. I know that sounds irrational, but it was how I felt at the time. You were supposed to be with me...with the Alliance...and you weren't. I felt rejected, and I was angry. I wanted you to feel the same pain I was feeling, so I walked away and for that I'm sorry."
Shepard swallowed hard. She had not expected him to explain himself, nor had she expected an apology. The confession should have brought her hope for their future, but instead she felt a foreboding in her heart.
"Kaidan, I got your email...there's no reason for us to rehash all of this," she said softly, as she gently lay her hand on his arm.
Kaidan jerked away and glared at her.
Shaking his head he said, "I wanted to apologize Shep, but this doesn't change anything."
"Why do you have to be so stubborn...we both know this isn't over!" Shepard found her voice teetered on the edge of rage and hysteria.
Her response only fueled Kaidan's anger further.
"I waited for you for two years...I couldn't move on and you took...what...two minutes to get over me," he hissed.
"What about your doctor on the citadel?" she accused.
"I never slept with her...what part of 'nothing serious' don't you understand. I thought you knew me better than that," he answered.
She had known as soon as she had read the email, but it had come too late..she had already been involved with Jacob. When Kaidan had walked away on Horizon, she had needed comfort, and in her vulnerability she had turned to the first person who had shown any interest. As soon as she had received the email, she had broken it off, but she had still been riddled with guilt...guilt that had compelled her to confess her indiscretion to Kaidan as soon as she got the chance.
I do know you Kaidan...I broke it off with him right after I got your email...you have to believe me," she replied.
"That's just it...I do believe you," he answered.
"Then why can't we just move past this...start fresh," she asked.
"Because if you had cared for me, you wouldn't have slept with him whether you had gotten the email or not," he replied.
Shepard threw up her hands.
"Is it so hard to believe that I'm human...that perhaps I needed someone to comfort me?" she asked.
Looking at her square in the eyes, Kaidan fought to hold back his own tears.
"You don't think I needed comfort after you died? I didn't go looking to find it the bed of someone I barely knew." he countered.
The words stung Shepard, and she visibly winced. Was he so much stronger than her? Or was it that he simply loved her more than she loved him? She didn't think she could stand it if she lost him now.
"Kaidan.." she started.
"I don't see anyway we can work this out," he said, flatly.
"We have to Kaidan," she pleaded.
He glanced at the picture of himself that sat on Shepard's desk. It seemed to mock him like everything else on the new Normandy. Each little improvement was a reminder of what had been lost.
Anderson had insisted that Kaidan take the assignment aboard the Normandy. The council and the Alliance needed someone that knew Shepard but was loyal to them, and Alenko had fit the bill. He knew his orders...if anything about Cerberus surfaced he was to report back to Anderson or Udina. At first he had been overjoyed at the opportunity to work with Shepard again...to just be with her again, but that was before he knew the truth.
"You know when I first came aboard this ship I could swear I heard Pressley's voice," Kaidan said.
Shepard smiled wistfully.
"He has been missed," she replied.
"There are just some people you can't get back..." Kaidan looked directly into her eyes as he stated the simple fact.
Shepard felt herself losing her composure. She had pleaded with him, confronted him, and begged him. He seemed unwilling to move.
"I made a mistake, Kaidan...a stupid mistake," she confessed.
"Did you? Was it really a mistake? Or was it who you were all along?" he asked, his voice rising.
"I missed you...You weren't here...I needed you...I needed someone!" Her face turned into a mask of both rage and sorrow, as her voice began to break.
"And anyone would do...maybe I was that 'anyone' two years ago!" Kaidan vilely spat the words out with the bitterness that had been building in his gut.
"You know that's not true...I love You!" Shepard screamed.
"Is that what you told him!" he shouted.
Shepard felt as if her head were going to explode. She searched the room frantically for anything that she could use to throw at him. Her eyes fell on his picture, but she was unwilling to part with it...even in her anger. Grabbing the empty picture frame from her bedroom she threw it, missing Kaidan's head by mere inches.
Instinctively, Kaidan used a biotic throw and pinned her against the wall. Moving to within inches of her face he glared at her.
"I loved you...I loved you more than anyone I've ever loved in my life, but all I can feel for you now is disgust," Kaidan snarled. Shoving away from
the wall Kaidan turned away and walked out.
Shepard slid to the floor and sobbed with no one to comfort her.
Okay, I know...it's not very uplifting but there are consequences for cheating. Personally I think that if you choose a new LI in ME2 that you probably won't be able to go back to your old LI from ME(since that would be the easiest decision concerning scripting). Never the less for the fic I took some liberties and put my own spin on it.
This was greatly influenced by Shep's greeting to Jacob in ME2. She sounded more like a slut than the woman we knew back in ME, and I just couldn't reconcile the fact that my Femshep would act or sound like that. I actually thought to myself that if that is who Shep really is then Kaidan deserves someone better...even more so if she followed through with her fling with Jacob. So that's how this became an anti-Shenko fic.
I'm still pro-Shenko but I don't want to see Kai Kai with someone who would hurt him by cheating on him...he deserves better. Hopefully in the future I'll come up with something with a much happier ending and a much more loyal Shepard. Comm Link Out.