Disclaimer: Peacemaker Kurogane and its characters do not belong to me. Modern times fic. Slight OOC-ness expected
I am re-visiting the PMK fanfic-dom with a Christmas one-off special. This is modern times and may be considered linked to my modern-times fics Career Week and Onsen Vacation.
It is Christmas and they have a problem with Santa…
Demon Santa
Hijikata Toshizou hated the obligatory end-of-the-year Christmas party. For starters, he wasn't Christian and couldn't figure why folks get all sentimental at this time of the year. Second, he hated listening to the Comedians yodel their drunken carols at the party. Third, he hated being designated as driver and teetotaller for the night by good buddy Kondo Isami aka the local Shinsengumi police chief, who will be drunk as a skunk at the end of the festivities and 'ho-ho'ing in his Santa suit all the way home. To hell with the season of goodwill to all mankind. If he had his way, he would slap police duties on the bunch of them, starting with Okita, who was, for some obscure reason smooching the new trainee policewoman, in the doorway…
"Take it elsewhere and why is there a fucking bunch of leaves hanging up there?" he growled and pointed at the scraggly mistletoe hanging in the doorway.
"Aw, it is mistletoe, Hijikata-san," Okita chirped. "It's traditional that if you are under the mistletoe you gotta kiss…" Wearing a Santa hat and slightly inebriated with brandy eggnog, Okita's pet pig trotted up and nudged Hijikata's ankle. He only received a firm poke in the side from a foot.
"Take that down, we don't need that nonsense!" Hijikata shoved past the pair and slammed the files in his arms onto the tables of the Comedian Trio. "I want your report on these cases by Friday, even if you have to work all night!" Harada and Nagakura gaped at the stack of files.
"But that's the night of the Christmas party!" Harada protested.
"Kondo-san has us listed as helpers for the party, and my family will be joining…" Nagakura added. Toudou came running in from the cafeteria in a panic at this point.
"Guys! Call an ambulance! Kondo-san's in trouble!" he shouted. "He tried to eat a Mega-triple beef patty burger and I think he dislocated his jaw." Hijikata felt a tingle of impending doom and reached for his second cig of the morning.
"Sorry, Toshi-kun, it is traditional the most senior member gets to be Santa," Okita held up the offending costume before Hijikata. "You are the most senior member in the Kyoto Shinsengumi after Kondo-san. And Sannan is in Hawaii on his honeymoon. It is really quite simple. You need to give out the presents and wish everyone a merry Christmas at the party. And guess what?"
"What?" Hijikata growled and stubbed his cig out on the table top. "I've invited the local orphanage to join us for the party! There'll be balloons and kiddy games and a charity drive…" Okita chirped merrily. "SOUJI!" Hijikata hollered. The entire HQ shook with the force of a mag 7 earthquake.
"This sucks, no alcohol…" Harada grumbled as he downed his cola. His reindeer antlers were perched at a rakish angle on his head. "The next brat who calls me shorty gets coal in his stocking!" Nagakura grumbled and adjusted his elf-ears. "Aw, come on, guys… It's for charity…" Toudou grinned and tried to console his fellow comedians. "Hey, have you guys heard that joke about Santa and a prostitute…"
"Gingerbread?"Ayu-nee stuffed a gingerbread man into Toudou's mouth. "Watch it, you three. There are minors here tonight, so no off-colour jokes…" The Santarina drifted off to distribute cookies to their young guests.
"But I want a toy car for Christmas…" a youngster grumbled as he looked at his teddy bear. "Ho-ho, but I gave you a teddy, so suck it up, brat!" Santa Claus glowered at the little boy on his knee. The boy paled, leapt off Santa's knee and fled.
"Er, I think Santa ought to be jollier…" Nagakura nudged Toudou. "Since when did Scrooge get the job?"
"Shush," Harada warned as Santa Hijikata glared their way. "NEXT!" he shouted at a line of trembling orphans. All the children turned tail and fled bawling.
Okita was arriving late at the party, having made a detour to pick up the Yamazaki siblings. He was surprised when on entering the party hall he was immediately set upon by a mob of terrified children. "What's wrong?" he asked, lifting Saizou into his arms to avoid being trampled.
"Wah! Santa's so scary!"
"Souji-nichan! Help!"
"I wanna go home! I'm scared!"
"Someone needs a serious dose of Christmas spirit…" Ichimura Tetsunosuke nudged his brother between mouthfuls of cake. "How's the piñata?" he turned and choked at the sight of his poor long-suffering brother being hit by a kid with a baseball bat while the grinning piñata remained unscathed. "To the left, brat! To the left!" he ran to his brother's rescue.
"Wait your turn, kiddo!" someone pulled him back. It was Yamazaki Susumu. Tatsu should really learn to stand up for himself. Tetsu wriggled free.
"I am not a kid! I'm fifteen!" Tetsu yelled and threw a flying kick at the piñata. Candy flew everywhere, to the delight of the children. "Yah!"
"Toshi-kun, you are scaring the children," Okita chided. "You know I don't do the ho-ho thing and the jolly fat guy… This beard is making me itch!" the annoyed vice-chief tugged his beard off. He pulled out the cushion from his suit.
"Ah! Santa is not real! He does not have a beard!" a little girl cried.
"Listen up, kids! Santa is quitting because you lot have been such pains in the butt!" Hijikata shouted. He pulled out a cigarette and lit up in disregard of the no-smoking rule at the party. He stormed off in the direction of the back alley. "Toshi!" Okita put Saizou down on the buffet table and ran after the vice-chief. The piglet trotted over to the punch bowl, took a sniff and leapt into the punch with a splash.
"I can't be Santa, I am not jolly and I can't stand kids…" Hijikata complained. Okita was not going to talk him back into a Santa suit and back to that kids' party that easily.
"But we need a Santa."
"No, if you want a Santa, you can be Santa…" Hijikata pulled the Santa cap down over Okita's head. "If you need me, I will be at the pub… Merry damned Christmas…" he sauntered off.
"You can't be leaving the party so soon!"
Later, Hijikata was nursing a gin tonic at the pub when…
"Ho-ho-ho… Merry Christmas!" a skinny Santa Claus stepped into the pub. This Santa was hugging a dozing piglet. "Souji, I am not into Christmas…" Hijikata mumbled and pulled the beard off Okita's grinning face. "But I got one more present in my sack, Toshi-kun…" Okita fumbled at the bottom of the sack and fished out a silver-gilt lighter embossed with Hijikata's name.
"Arigato, Souji…"
"Merry Christmas, Toshi-kun," Okita yawned. He was tired after entertaining all those kids. Not that he was complaining. A hand patted his shoulder. It was his friend Hijikata.
"Merry Christmas, Souji… let's go home…get some rest," Hijikata smiled one of his rare smiles.
Author's Notes:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all readers.