In a fit of madness, I have finished THIS utter piece of CRACK to soothe my broken HEART. Do not blame ME, please. In fact, if you should blame any in the making of this, point your fingers at fickle, fickle people who cannot even brave inclement weather and the luminous-if-slightly-crack-inducing Moontear and the awesome third chapter of Choice of Words. Damn you, woman! Damn you and your fic-making magic for unleashing this upon the world! I hope you enjoy this madness greatly!
...And looking back on this, I just ended up parodying a couple of my OWN stories, among them, Hour Before Us, Wake Of Tomorrow and the upcoming Project Break My Own OTP. If you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of? ;)
Still, without further ado, may I present...
Title: The Revenge of Nabokov, a.k.a. Who Died and Made You Underaged Booty?!
Fandom: Final Fantasy XII
Characters/Pairings: Larsa/Penelo (kinda, maybe), Various Combinations, Total madness in the telling.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ivalice's most creepy would-be child ---bride--- groom has some plans in the offering.
Note: This is total crack and madness, a parody of at least 3 of my own previous L/P stories. PLZ to be not taking this seriously! I do it to make the sweet Moontear smile for lo, her own fic makes my heart sing!
Also symbols like these ---- denote strike-outs in the original fic. This looks horrible in the version up on this website and much better in the version up on my livejournal, however.
Meet Larsa Ferrinas Solidor, age 12 and a BOY, though you wouldn't know it from looking at him... or hearing him talk... or hearing others address him as LORD Larsa, apparently. On a random trip to the Lhusu mines to ferret out more information about the nethicite his brother might or might not be trafficking to increase his power base and further some truly disturbing personal goals (which might or might not include making sweet, sweet love to the most evil yet awesome Cid the FF series has ever known) he gets the chance to meet up with a rather comely young lass named Penelo Majus, recently kidnapped from her home-town of Rabanastre by rilly, rilly evil giant lizards who moonlight as extras on Japanese monster flicks when they're not out searching for precious pirate booty, if y'know what I mean and I think you do. Baby.
Now Larsa, who has more or less grown up on stories of heroism and chivalry and courtly love, is instantly intrigued, if not outright smitten, with said fair maiden ---and the stylized panty lines her... jump suit sports. No, seriously, who the feck came up with THAT idea?---. After rescuing her from a ---ferocious, fire-breathing dragon no wait he runs from them like any sensible person would--- rather bitchy Judge Magister who might or might not have some oompa-loompa-doopity-do ancestry in his veins, he adds her to his cortege ---as his slave of sweet, seductive, silky seduction---. For a while, he plans to release her to the party that sallied forth to Bhujerba to rescue her, even though his heart actually burns at the thought of her in the arms of another man, ---especially one who looks like a fecking dead chocobo was stapled on his head or something---.
However, the fair damsel in distress herself has more agency in this matter than he initially thought. Overwhelmed by ---the charms of the manliest 12 year old ever--- gratitude, she impulsively asks how she might be of any help to him. Intrigued by her boldness ---and panty line designs---, he asks her to travel with him to Archades and various other places on his quest to understand what on earth might be going on with his brother. Well, besides the sweet sweet love Vayne might be making to Doctor Cid-- that Larsa wants to know nothing about.
Though startled by his request, Penelo feels for a little boy who seems to be old beyond his time and who seems so earnest (if a little odd) in his quest to right all the wrongs in his world ---and also to get into her stylized panty lines---. She agrees and thus they form an ---sexy crazy creepy--- interesting partnership together, with him offering his innate cunning to formulate plans for them and she kindly but firmly bitch-slapping any ideas of his that are too outlandish and teaching him the meaning of stealth. ---Because for god sakes, his idea of going incognito is to roam the country side wearing his family's big-ass emblem on his chest. The hell was that about?!---
In any case, Larsa soon becomes smitten with his friend, in a way that shades kinda into creepy Calvin Klein perfume ad territory because (1) Penelo is pretty and witty ---and possibly ever so gay but really that was more Vaan's thing---, (2) She ain't no gold-digger, nuh-uh, FO' REAL, (3) Have I already mentioned the stylized panty line thing?, and (4) The inbreeding and patented Solidor Obsessive Genes finally got to him. We're lucky he fixated on just making Penelo his own and not, y'know, PWNING everybody. Penelo, on the other hand, knows it and is ever so madly freaked out about the fact that someone who hasn't even had his voice crack wants so badly to get into her stylized panties. What next, underaged incest? In this fandom? And then what? Pandemonioum on the streets?!
And meanwhile, all this time, Larsa is officially Making Plans for ---His--- Ivalice's Future Happiness. He'd do anything for the ---evil--- empire, baby.
Larsa and Penelo regroup with the main party at Garif village, where Larsa cuts a deal with Ashe out of the ear-shot of his Clueless Lady Love Who By Now Thinks He's Officially A Bit Crazy. He tells her that they both know that they're going to have to smack a bitch up where Vayne is concerned and that he'll be next on the Archadian throne right after that, 12 years old or no. Apparently, puberty is not a pre-requisite for the Archadian people! They're openminded to people with stunted growth and limitless ambition, apparently.
And though he wants to offer Dalmasca Archadia's full co-operation in helping them rebuild after all the present unpleasent results are over, he would appreciate a token of gratitude for those future efforts. Say, perhaps the ---hot-spots pleasure-points stylized panty lines--- hand of the fair Penelo, once Ashe elevates her to being something a little above that of a psuedo-lap-dancer ---not that he's been getting too many lap-dances from her, damn it, where IS that puberty fairy?!---
Ashe the woman seethes at Larsa's gall. Ashe the would-be-queen is insulted that he thinks she would prostitute out one of her own subjects. Ashe the politician sees how immensely useful this would be to Dalmasca in the future. And Ashe the angry but conniving harpy is delighted at the chance to wreck some havoc. If Larsa thinks any Dalmascan girl would be so easy to woo, has another thought coming, ---even if he IS the manliest 12 year old in all of Ivalice---.
In Mt. Bur Omisace, sometime between the MANY VERY CRAZY that occurs, Ashe finds time to elevate Penelo to the position of lady-in-the-land for her valiant efforts in restoring Ashe to her throne and, after that, Larsa finds time to let himself be wed by the Grand Kiltias, who is also looking to screw Vayne over a bit more before his imminent death. ---Shaudenfraude, shaudenfraude keeps the non-Archadian nobility of the land together. And also, the old bastard is CANNY.---
And thus, Larsa Ferrinas Solidor ends up as the creepiest child ---bride--- groom in all of Ivalice to an absolutely dumbfounded Penelo. And then they ride off into the sunset on a dashing white ---horse--- chocobo, knowing only marital bliss for the rest of their lives...
...Or until their wedding night, wherein Penelo panics, locks herself in the bathroom and manages to crawl out of the Archadian palace via an air vent, leaving poor, long-suffering Basch to soothe Larsa from hyperventilating himself to death, while Ashe, all the way back in Rabanastre, laughs at the retroactive revenge she takes on the empire that took her lover's red-hot when-he-isn't-wearing-thongs-that-were-rubbing-against-dead man-bits uncut Landiser schlong away, and Vaan ---who has already run off to be a sky pirate with Balthier and Fran because Penelo's otherwise unavailable--- is waaaaay too sore ---because he is always the bottom when they have a threesome, always!--- to even consider helping his childhood friend out. What the fecking hell, Vaan-- can a girl get a HAND getting away from a MANIAC EMPEROR HERE?!
And then they all live happily ever after. THE END, EVERYBODY!