She shouldn't be here. She knows that, despite not knowing anything else right now. Yet she can't leave, she feels a driving force pushing her towards the casino; her escape, yet the opposite of her safe haven. She could forget everything in there. Forget Johnny, forget Rob, forget Kate and Aidan, forget Liam and forget Paul. Forget that she was supposed to be with Nick right now, planning her wedding. Forget that her whole childhood, everything that she worked so hard to escape from, could have been avoided if only he had done something. Why didn't Johnny do anything? He could have saved her from the hell she was put through. He could have saved her from her mother and her step fathers and the drink and the drugs and the black eyes and the crying and the bruises. But then she remembers; she doesn't deserve to be saved. She never deserved to be saved and her mother had made damn sure she knew that from the start.
The only people who ever thought she deserved anything were Liam and Nick. Oh god, Liam. Their relationship had been morally wrong from the start, what with Maria and Tony being involved, yet she had loved him more than anyone she has ever loved in her life. But he was her 3rd cousin. Their relationship was not just morally wrong but wrong in every way. How could something so wrong have felt so perfect and so honest and so right? Who was she kidding? Nothing she ever does is perfect or honest or right. She deserves everything she gets. She needs to punish herself. So in she goes, to the place she promised both herself and Nick she would never return to.
It feels so familiar inside; the same carpet, the same windows, and the same chips that she thought she'd seen the last of. Not even the employees have changed. They greet her with wide grins and friendly voices and Carla knows that this is a money making scheme and that nothing about being in here is good for her, but she doesn't care. Nothing matters right now. She longs to feel the tension of gambling and to feel the pain of having lost more money than she can afford and the numbness of the money not meaning anything to her. So she starts playing, and she starts losing. And it hurts, yet she feels nothing. She still feels the betrayal of Johnny and the pain that Rob wanted to cause her and the guilt of having left Nick on his own, worrying about her and still she feels empty. How could that be possible?
Her phone rings and scares the life out of her. She thought she'd turned it off. Just another thing she can't do, she figures. It's Nick. The phone is in her hand and it would be so easy to answer it and let him in, so easy to ask for help when she so badly needs it. Now would be the time. But she doesn't. She lets it ring and ring and she can feel his hope slowly draining away as the ringtone comes to an end. She knows he will leave a message but she can't bring herself to listen to it, to remind herself of who else she is hurting in her quest to destroy herself. So she turns the phone off and returns to the gambling and the pain and the money loss that neither her nor her factory can afford. Because she knows, deep down, that she deserves it.