"Collins!" I didn't realise I had opened my mouth until I heard my own voice calling his name, and by then it was already too late. He had already turned around and was facing me.
"What do you want?" he said coldly.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what I wanted. I just knew we had to talk. I hadn't expected to find him in the apartment with Mark and Roger. After seven months he just shows up again and acts like nothing happened. I guess I was just shocked to see him. And we didn't exactly get a chance to talk at the Life Café after Maureen's protest. He treated me almost like a stranger. Maybe that's all I was to him. But we still needed to talk.
"We need to talk."
"About what?" he said, his face expressionless. "I thought we already said everything there was to say."
I didn't answer, just looked at him without blinking. Finally he sighed.
"Fine", he muttered. "I was on my way to the Life Café. I guess you could join me."
We walked there in silence. I didn't even try to start a conversation. I mean, what are you supposed to chat about with your ex-lover, who you haven't seen for seven months? Weather? Football? Politics? No, I didn't think so either. So I stayed silent.
The waiter at the café didn't' look too happy to see us. Who could blame him? But we ignored him at sat down at a table. Collins looked at me and raised his eyebrows.
"Angel will be here in half an hour, so you better start talking."
"I… We… I mean…" I sighed. "I'm sorry, Collins."
He nodded.
"You're sorry, ok. Now what? I forgive you, we kiss and live happily ever after? It doesn't work that way Benny!"
"I know that!" I looked at my hands, resting on the table. Nervously I brushed off non-existing crumbs from the cloth. "What I did was stupid, but…"
"Stupid?" Collins laughed bitterly. "Is that the best you can come up with? Stupid? You left me, Benny! I loved you, and you cheated on me, and left me! And for what?" He shook his head. "I could've understood if you fell in love with someone else. But you left me for a woman. You left me for money. You left me for nothing!"
I looked up and saw the wetness in his eyes. He looked so hurt, and so lost, and so completely unlike himself. And the fact that I'd done that to him made my chest hurt, and I felt tears stinging my own eyes.
"Fuck. Collins, I never wanted to hurt you, please, you have to believe that!"
"I know you didn't want to hurt me", he said quietly. "But you did."
"I'm sorry", I said again. It seemed so inadequate, but I didn't know what else to say. I reached for his hand, and surprisingly enough he let me take it in my own. "Do you think that you'll ever be able to forgive me?" I asked and held my breath as I waited for his answer. He looked me in the eyes, seriously, for what seemed like an eternity, and I was almost starting to feel dizzy.
"Yeah", he said finally and I let out my breath in a sigh of relief. "You know me, I never was slow to forgive. Forget regret or life is yours to miss, and all that shit."
I squeezed his hand.
"Thank you", I said simply.
"Just tell me one thing", he said. "Why did you do it?"
I absentmindedly stroke his fingers with my thumb as I bit my lip. How could I explain?
"I had to do something. I mean, you had your teaching, Maureen had her performances, Mark his films and Roger his music. What did I have? Nothing! I just… I had to be something!"
Collins raised his eyebrows.
"So you married Allison to prove that you weren't a failure?" he asked incredulously.
I smiled sheepishly.
"Yeah… It made sense at the time."
He laughed, and the sound went straight to my heart.
"You're a fucking idiot, Benny!"
"I know", I nodded solemnly.
"Look, I'm sorry if we shocked your father-in-law", he said, changing the subject.
I frowned.
"No, you're not", I said.
He looked perfectly innocent for a moment, and then he laughed again.
"No, I'm not", he agreed.
I was considering sticking my tongue out at him, but was distracted by the sound of someone coming in through the door. By instinct I let go of Collins hand. He looked at me, then at the newcomers, a middle-aged couple, then at our now separated hands, and then back at me.
"What happened to you, Benny?" he asked and actually seemed concerned about me. "You never used to be ashamed of being gay."
I sighed.
"Collins, I'm not ashamed, it's just that… do you really think that my business partners would do any business with me if they thought I was checking their asses out in the shower after we've played tennis?"
He smirked.
"Do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Check out their asses?"
"Collins!" To my great dismay I could feel that I was blushing.
"You do!" He roared with laughter. "I'm so relieved! There's still some of the old Benny in there."
I had to smile, more because of the sound of his laughter than anything else. Then I changed the subject.
"Angel seems nice."
Collins smiled happily.
"He's everything I ever dreamed of. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. I only met him a couple of days ago, but I feel like I've know him forever."
"I'm glad", I said honestly. "If anyone deserves happiness, it's you."
"Thank you." Then he smiled devilishly. "And, no offence, Benny, but he is prettier than you."
I huffed and rose from my chair.
"I think that is my cue to leave!" I reached down and gave him a quick, and somewhat awkward hug. "You have no idea how much this meant to me, Collins."
He just smiled in response.
"I'll see you around, Benny." He waved at me as I exited the café.
I stepped out into the street, and found myself face to face with Angel.
"Hi!" I said surprised. "Collins is waiting for you inside."
"Have you two talked yet?" Angel asked.
"Yeah, we've talked. Everything's ok."
Her smile was like a sunrise.
"Wonderful!" She looked me in the eyes, and for some reason I felt like she was looking straight into my soul. "You're gonna be ok, Benny, don't worry." She kissed my cheek, smiled again and went to join Collins.
I stared after her for a moment. She was right, I was gonna be ok. I shoved my hands into the pocket of my coat and started walking. I had some living to do.
The very, very, very end.