Title: Walk Away
Author: Makoto Sagara
Category: Angst, Dark, Songfic
Rating: R/NC-17
Pairing: 2x5
Warnings: angst, mention of BDSM, very dark, songfic
Disclaimers: Don't own Gundam Wing. Don't own the lyrics to Walk Away by Christina Aguilera. If I did, I wouldn't be writing. I'd be vacationing in Tahiti right now. Make no money, so I will never have that vacation. *sighs*
A/N: This is my first venture into something this dark. I don't know how this came to me, but, this song is truly painful to listen to, if you know the feeling behind it. *shrugs* It's another evil, bastard Duo….
Summary: A love gone wrong, and there is no end in sight for the one in the most pain.
Symbols: *blah* emphasized words
Blah song lyrics
[Spoken]
What do you do when you know something's bad for you, and you still can't let go?
When we started, I was ecstatic. I thought I had finally gotten through your mask. Needless to say, I was seeing everything through rose-colored glasses. You'd think with all I've seen and done in my life, I would have known better.
You are utterly gorgeous. That was always my downfall. When you touch me, my whole body burns for more. At first, you were soft, gentle, and almost loving. I was so lost in everything you did. Then, the changes came.
I was naïve, your love was like candy
Artificially sweet, I was deceived by the wrapping,
By the time you changed, I was so gone that I ignored the signs everywhere around me.
When you suggested taking things a step farther, I just went along with it. I didn't even stop to it when you tied me up for hours, continually cutting small marks across my chest, stomach, and legs. I was so hooked on the totally helpless feeling it gave me. Not to mention the way your face shone with the power it gave you was a turn on.
Got caught in your web and I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed and devoured completely
It hurts me to know that I can't leave you now. Every time my hand touches the doorknob, I instantly snatch it back, as if burned. Every ounce of resolve I had just dissolves when I reach the door.
If anyone heard me say this, they'd be amazed, if they even believed me. Who would have thought that you, of all people, could have such a side? Everyone thinks that I'm the one in control. Wouldn't they die if they only knew the truth?
And it hurts my soul cause I can't let go all these walls are cavin' in
I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show that I've lost control cause II keep goin' right back to the one thing I need
To walk away from
I know that this relationship is far from healthy. I know that I can just not come home from work. But, that didn't work last time last time, did it?
I need to get away from ya, need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away…
It was harsh; the way I found out I wasn't the only one; that I was just the one you played your sick little "games" with. Do you laugh at me behind my back?
I should have known that I couldn't have kept your attention for very long, but you have me *so* wrapped up in the way you touched me that I was blind to everything else.
I should have known that I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smoke, it was all an illusion
I spent the last time away, trying to repair my heart. Damn you, I was dying, it hurt so bad. And yet, even away from you, I could only hurt worse. The longer I was away, the more it ached. There was only one cure for what ailed me, but I just had to move.
The next thing I knew, I was intertwined in you snare again.
You smiled, and I melted. You spoke, and… Well, I ended up back in your bed, screaming in pain and pleasure as you drug your knife across my stomach. I cried out as you whipped me, saying I had been a bad boy, and needed proper punishment. I sobbed as you tied me up again, and ruthlessly fucked me till I bled.
Oh, yes, I know that I initially seduced you into my bed, but you… You are the master at seduction… Especially over me.
Now I've been lickin' my wounds, but the venom seeps deeper
We both can seduce but darlin' you hold me prisoner
I hurt all the time now. I can't tell the others about any of this. There's no way they would understand how I feel. Not even *him*. It aches all over, whether you are near or far. I'm like some sort of sick junkie failing at the twelve-step program every five seconds.
And every times I move, there you are. I always, *always*, end up right back here…
Oh I'm about to break, I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure, and I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take leads to one mistake,
I keep goin' right back to the one thing that I need
I gave you love, and got nothing back. Can you tell me what I did that makes it ok? I slowly die every moment, but then I still physically live. My body yearns for you, even through all the pain and anguish I endure. Shit. I am so fucking weak.
I can't mend, this torn state I'm in, getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve the pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn I keep goin right back to the one thing that I need
To walk away from
Oh yes, I need to leave. Just walk away, and never look back. I need to pack my things, grab my coat, and walk through that door. But, I can barely move from this bed of infamy and pain. I just curl into a ball until you come home, ready to begin again.
I need to get away from ya, need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away…
I feel everything that I used to have before you slipping away from me. No matter what I try, I fall farther and farther into this hole of despair and misery; never-ending, cyclonic, and disastrous.
I will never get away, will I? Even in my sleep, you plague my thoughts. There is only one escape from all of this, but I'm too weak to go through with it.
I've prayed to every god that I can think of to just take pity on me and let me end it all. Even to Shinigami, especially him. I just want to fade away. All of them have turned their backs on me.
Every time I try to grasp for air, I am smothered in despair it's never over, over
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare, I let out a silent pray
Let it be over, over
I scream in my head, begging that one day, you will cut me too deeply, and I will just die. I don't care how painful that will be. Nothing could ever compare to this emotional pain that you give me. I know, I'm just showing how incredibly weak I really am.
Inside I'm screaming, begging pleading no more
I'm at a total loss as to what to do. I can't leave, and yet, I can't stay. Will I never be free from your grasp?
Damn, it hurts to even live now. My heart just beats, and every time it does so, your face appears in front of me. Your beautiful face, eyes, hair, body… Everything that made me fall in love with you. Just let it be over and done with, please?
Now what to do, my heart has been bruised, so sad but it's true
Each beat reminds me of you
Everyone has noticed that I am far more withdrawn than I used to be. I go to my office, shut the door, and silently sob. I can't let anyone see what being with you has actually done to me. I will *not* let them know that I am no longer able to control myself and my emotions any longer. That I can't just walk away, without coming back, tail between my legs.
It hurts my soul cause I can't let go, all these walls are cavin' in
I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show that I lost control
Cause I keep goin' right back to the one thing that I need, Oh
Yes, you are a drug with no magical antidote to correct. You break down my walls, and open my life up to new volumes of pain and agony. You've shown me that I am not the person I thought I was. That in reality, I am just a weak boy, trapped in a man's body, and that no matter what I say I will do, I can't leave my addiction alone.
I'm about to break, and I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure and I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take leads to one mistake,
I keep going right back to the one thing I need, oh
I have no way of repairing the damage that has occurred to my body, mind and soul. My love wasn't what you wanted, but then, I really don't know what it is that you *did* want out of this. Did you want to see me break under your control? Did you want to see how much of myself I would give up to you, and how much you could take?
Because that's what you do. You take, and never give anything good. And, now, even the pain you give is not enough to make me want to stay. Nothing really could.
I can't mend, this torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return what did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
I'm leaving you, finally. I have my things packed, and this time, I really mean it. I'm tired of all the pain, misery, and torture that has become my life. I was a *Gundam* pilot, dammit. I am stronger than my emotions.
My hand is on the door, my bag in my car, and I slowly turn the knob. I take one last look around the place that used to be ours, but is now only yours. It feels me with sadness, and yet, there is a tiny seed of hope. I turn away from the familiar scenery and open the door. Preparing to take the first step, I walk into something solid.
"Going somewhere, Wufei?"
Shit! I can't…. No…
"No," I say, and you smile. A sick, twisted smile, laced with the promise of more pain for lying to you.
"Come, my pet," you say sweetly, and I close the door, following you back inside. I know what you will do, but somehow, I just can't *not* do as you command. I just can't walk away……
And everywhere I turn I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from