Gilbert Beilschmidt was the man everybody wanted. With his amazing looks – snow white hair and bloody-crimson-strawberry-vermilion-maple-leaf-red eyes no one could resist. He could have anyone he wanted, girls, guys, animals, aliens- but he was only into chicks okay!...ahem…anyone he wanted. His only improperly addressed fault?

He sucked at French.

So rather than ask his French friend for help he failed the class, forcing the teacher to assign him a student tutor rather than just flunk him like everyone else. At first Gilbert was infuriated that the teacher assigned some no-name loser named Matthew to teach him, but his opinion was immediately swayed when he saw him- or her actually.

She had curves in all the right places (and he knew when they weren't – why the fuck was that chicks boob on her thigh?!) and when she turned around he knew he was looking at an angel.

"Well hello there." Gilbert murmured seductively as he grabbed her chin, staring into her wide violet eyes framed by thin glasses.

She mumbled something as her face turned a brighter shade of red than a Lovi.

"What?" Prussia asked confusedly, because suddenly he was in a high school. How had he gotten here?

The girl tried again "U-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-uh eh….h-hello eh…my eh name eh is eh…M-Matthew…eh."

"And I'm Gilbert, Birdie." Gilbert said awesomely, because he awesomely knew it was unnecessary to introduce his awesome self since everyone awesomely knew his awesome name here.

"Birdie?" She asked confusedly, tilting her head in question an adorable 90 degrees.

"Yeah, because I like birds and I like you besides the fact that I've only known you for five minutes- wait, wait, wait! I remember you now! You sit behind me in all my classes!" he said proudly, because unlike everyone else he remembered her.

"R-really? Because I've always liked you!" Matthew confessed excitedly.

Gilbert didn't know why, but he could tell she was different – unlike all the other girls. She wore t-shirt while they wore short skirts, she never wanted to be team captain and preferred to sit on the bleachers. Then without warning, Gilbert leaned in and practically ate her face as he kissed her. Gasping sharply Matthew pushed him away. "What are you doing! I thought you loved Elizbeta!"

It was common knowledge around the school that she was the girl that ripped out gilbert's heart and ate if for dinner with her new boyfriend (who happened to be Gilbert's more talented cousin). Gilbert had proposed to her in grade 2 after a week of dating (which was the longest anyone has ever known him to be in a relationship) and he was ecstatic when she said yes, but then he caught her cheating on him with Rodrich. He gave her silly putty and when he walked into the play house the next day, there he was sitting in Gilbert's seat playing with the silly putty he gave her. Heart broken, he swore to never fall in love again.

But Matthew was the only exception.

At first he only talked to her because she was hot but now he knew she wasn't just hot. She was quiet, good at French, blond…was in his classes…had a boy name…it was meant to be!

"What about her? Sure I was ready to make a lifelong commitment with her and I still talk to her regularly. But what does it matter when I've clearly moved on, I mean look at my dating history! If the fact that I've dated almost every straight female in this school and turned a few lesbians straight for a night, yet none of them remotely interested me beyond sex after Elizbeta, doesn't prove that I'm over her I don't know what will." Gilbert said confidently as he started lovingly into Matthew's eyes.

"I…I'm still not quite sure but since I'm desperate I'll believe you." Matthew said with a smile before Gilbert swept her off of her feet and rode Gilbird off into the sunset.

But that's when everything went wrong.

Aside from the fact that Gilbird couldn't carry them.

"Birdie it's a misunderstanding I swear!" Gilbert yelled in hopes his voice would carry far enough for Matthew to hear.

Matthew was currently standing on the ledge of a building in the middle of a rainstorm after running out of the school in tearful disbelief.

"What is there to misunderstand? You were kissing her!" Matthew yelled back.

Gilbert had cheated on her.

It didn't make any sense! He said he was over Elizbeta, he had dated almost every girl in the school but he never dates people twice! How could this have happened? Everything was going so well, they had dramatic eye contact when they met, they kissed passionately, they only met two hours ago, they didn't know anything about each other…

Where did they go wrong? Even Gilbert's bird approved!

"Please Birdie I'm sorry! While I was kissing her I thought of you! I'm over her now! I…I love you!" Gilbert managed to shout over the rain without fear.

Matthew stopped mid-step.

"You…you mean it?" She asked hesitantly.

"Of course! Why else would I be here when I could still be making out with Elizbeta?" He said cockily as he watched Matthew back away from the ledge.

"Oh Gilbert! That's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me!" Matthew said joyously as she climbed down.

Everything was right in the world.

It didn't matter if her happiness was completely dependent one person, or that everyone else still ignored her existence except for when they needed something from her, or even that-

No…no.

She decided not to dwell on the negatives, she would enjoy this moment to the fullest.

"So when's the wedding?" Matthew asked with love struck eyes.

Rather than answer the question Gilbert pulled her into a kiss.

Or was about to before he was suddenly punched in the face.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY BABY BRO!1!11' Screamed Alfred as he dramatically saved his brother from being eaten alive by a vampire.

"Baby bro?" Gilbert repeated in confusion. "You're a dude?!" He asked in shock.

"You didn't know?" Matthew asked in disbelief.

"You know what, fuck this! I don't even care anymore! No homo? What the fuck does that mean!" Gilbert said to himself. Just rolling with it was much simpler than taking a moment to reflect on his beliefs and have a crisis over having them all destroyed in a brief instant, or even consider the repercussions of this in his life.

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU MAKE MY CHRONICALLY DEPRESSED BROTHER HAPPY YOU LOOK LIKE BAD NEWS EVEN THOUGH I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!1!'" Alfred yelled heroically as he picked up his brother and transformed into a dragon before locking Matthew into a tower.

But Gilbert would persist. He would be allowed to date Matthew if it was the last thing he did because Gilbert always gets what he wants.

But that's a whole other story.

Okay! Sobering up now I want to address some things before people lose their shit.

First of all: This is a parody.

I have nothing against people who use these plot points; it just gets real old real fast. This was mostly for myself to vent about it, I don't mean to offend anyone. Secondly I know you can't 'turn a lesbian straight' so back off sjw. Thirdly, suicide and depression are serious things and should not be taken as lightly as they are, especially in fanfiction when people romanticize it. Any relationship where one's self-worth is so heavily dependent on their partner isn't healthy and that among other issues I tried to point out comically are things most fic writers don't bother to properly address either.

Now fourth on the list, I don't know if I'll continue this (though not due to lack of material I'll tell you that) so I'll mark this as complete. Feel free to put clichés about PruCan, Prussia or Canada that you hate in a review to inspire me though. Thanks for reading!