Once upon a time, a man got lost in a forest. It was getting dark, and he was getting hungry and cold. Normally, he would have been here drinking with his friends, but since they had been busy with work, he was left to sit in the snow and with no company other than his favorite drinks and the quietly whispering wind.
He shivered as the chill began to get to him. It was beginning to get dark, so he figured that a bit of alcohol would warm him up, and pulled out his last bottle of vodka. He drank it all at once, and it stung his throat for a moment, but the rough burning also seemed to warm his body.
This is going to be a long night. He thought, as it began to snow, sitting down and resigning to his likely fate of freezing to death in the snowy woods that he had visited so many times before. For a few minutes he sat in the silence, when he began to hear a distant rustling, as if a small creature was moving through the leafless bushes towards him.
"HIYA!"
The voice of a young girl broke the silence, and he only could see a blur of blue and white before he felt an incredible pain in his crotch.
"Shit!" He moaned in pain as he crumpled to the forest floor, face down in the cold snow. He could hear the thing laughing as it jumped on his back, driving its foot into his neck.
"I got one! I got one! I really am the Strongest!" It shouted as its movements intensified.
Suddenly, he felt a great heat and heard a crack as the girl stopped. The smell of burning meat filled the air, and something warm was dripping down his back and soaking into his jacket. He didn't know what was happening, or that in a galaxy far, far away, Kylo Ren had just killed Han Solo.
He slowly raised his head, scared to move in case whatever had just happened could come after him. He felt around for the bottle, realizing that it would likely be the only thing between him and whatever was in these woods. As he moved his had, he felt scraps of warm, damp cloth, and a few large shards of ice, before his hand ran over the familiar shape of the bottle.
Slowly getting up, he moved to put his back against a tree. He held the bottle in front of him, as if to ward off whatever had killed that little girl. The bushes began to shake again. From the sound of it, it was something much bigger, and moving much faster. Terrified, the man threw the bottle at the source of the noise.
"Ow." He heard someone monotonously mutter as the muffled sound of the bottle hitting something soft resonated through the area. The dark silhouette of a hooded person came into view, and she appeared. He had never seen her before, but with one look, he felt as if he had loved her forever. For a second, his mind wandered to the depictions of Venus he had seen in museums, but then he immediately was drawn back to the far more beautiful woman in front of him. She looked strong, but he thought that he could feel a loneliness radiating from her. Her hands would look so much better, so much more complete if they were held by another.
She sounded a bit tired, almost grumpy as she asked "What are you doing outside this late?"
His mind was drawing up a blank as he struggled to come up with an answer that wasn't "I love you, please marry me." before his head momentarily cleared and he managed to stammer out "I... I got lost."
For a second, she paused, and the whispering of the wind was all that could be heard as the snow began to fall more heavily.
She looks at him with a puzzled expression. "These woods aren't that big, and it's getting dark. You shouldn't even be here in the first place, there are dangerous creatures in this forest. You should know that they might want to come and feast on you."
"I want to come and feast on you." He mutters under his breath with a lecherous look on his eyes.
For a second, the girl shyly looks away, but then her expression hardens.
"Ha, so you're a youkai too? If that's the case, I think you will find me a bit hard to chew on. I'll go full Zidane on you for a starter." She shouts the last sentence, then flings her head at the man. The shock of seeing her remove her head caused him to freeze in place as the head slammed into his stomach and plunged his world into darkness.