The Bad, the Good and the Weird chapter 1: The team is formed.
The Bad.
Sakura Haruno scowled. While a scowling five-year old looked adorable, as they tried to emulate their parents, this was actually belying the girl's surprisingly adult outlook on life. The reason why she was scowling was because she had failed to recruit the one person with a comparable intellect to hers.
"That damn lazy Nara! If I could get him to work with me, then I could conquer this village by the time I become a full kunoichi! But no, he thinks that it's too much EFFORT to get off his lazy arse and actually DO something with his brain! GOD, I hate you, Shikamaru."
It was a fucking annoying obstacle, but she could live with it. The Nara were known both for their laziness and their intellect, after all. She'd just underestimated the extent of the boy's laziness. But it wasn't just the laziness that got her blood boiling, it was the lack of drive that the boy had that really infuriated her. For someone of one of the most powerful ninja clans of Konoha, he had the drive of the common plant. And that was an insult to plants. More like the drive of a ROCK. Yeah, a rock. She wondered whether he'd even breathe if it seemed to be too much effort to breathe. Probably, he would. How he even got up in the mornings was only to be known by his mother forcefully having to get him out of bed. Thanks to that little bit of information, she'd hoped to blackmail him into becoming one of her advisors to become a Warlord. However, he'd turned her down because it was a well-known fact that he was too lazy, and it would actually seem plausible, rather than scandalous enough to waste the gossips' time with a titbit they probably knew about.
Sakura knew that, physically, she was not much. Then again, if she could learn about the chakra control techniques of Tsunade, then she could be strong enough to actually conquer through brute strength. However, she needed some muscle and brains to support her rise to power. Sakura knew what her biggest advantage was- her mind. Going into a standard IQ test revealed a score of 200, which was probably the level of Shikamaru, despite his lack of book smarts. Well, he was the stupid one- strategies were all well and good, but give the well-read person a bucket of household chemicals and they could make bombs. Give Shikimaru some household cleaning supplies and he'd go 'too troublesome' and just look at some cracks in the walls.
Oh well, at least she still had access to him in the form of her friendship with Ino. By befriending Ino, she could talk to Shikamaru about her plans safely, since he would think it was too much effort to actually tell anyone else. She could describe them in a game of Shōgi, and he'd point out the weaknesses and not even bother telling anybody else. In short, a very good de facto advisor. But she still needed strong people to back her up.
Her room was covered in maps, pictures and diagrams, as she looked through, hunting down the best ones to support her ambitions. Chouji Akimichi was out, as he was going to be in this generation's Ino-Shika-Chou trio. Kiba would be a good choice, but he was WAY too unsubtle for her tastes. The Inuzaka were powerful, but they were front line, hunter-nin and scout-nin, not really what she was looking for. Other children of her age were either unsuitable or just not good enough for her liking, such as the Hyūga- they were simply too well known to blackmail easily. Finally, she'd narrowed her search down to two people who matched her criteria. Sakura's mouth twisted into a cruel grin.
Oh yes, this would work…
"Heh… Heh heh HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The Good.
Sasuke Uchiha scowled. Itachi-nii had been called away by the ANBU yet again, meaning that he wasn't going to train him yet again. He sighed, and kicked morosely at a stone. Cousin Shisui was at least willing to help him train his fireball, unlike his father, who felt disappointed that he wasn't growing as fast as his brother. Well, he was growing, it was just not as fast as his brother had been when he'd been Sasuke's age. Always meant to be as good as his brother, always in Itachi's shadow… why'd Itachi-nii have to be so good at everything? Oh, yeah, he was the eldest, the heir of the Clan Head. He had to be the best, or else his father would be deposed as the clan head and replaced with someone else.
Still, it wasn't too bad. At least he was allowed to practice his fireball under Shisui's supervision. Standing near the jetty, Shisui nodded to him. Sasuke ran through the handsigns and tried to breathe a fireball, but what happened was that he coughed up smoke instead. As he tried to clear his lungs, Shisui clapped.
"That's actually very impressive what you just did. Hell, when I was your age, I don't think I would have even gotten smoke."
"Itachi-nii did it on his first try."
"Actually, he didn't. Our clan's gift may be the ability to learn any technique, but even then we have to learn some techniques the hard way. The Fireball Technique is one of those." Sasuke nodded, listening to a tale he practically knew by heart.
"The Fireball Technique is one of the clan's oldest techniques. Ever since Madara's day, it has been used to prove that an Uchiha was worthy of being seen as an adult. It is the mark of a true Uchiha, not some fake." He turned to look at Sasuke seriously.
"Just because you can master any technique you see, doesn't mean that it's right for you. Take the time to improve the techniques you know, and always keep some old favourites. That's the lesson of the Fireball technique." Sasuke stared at him.
"Did you really think that sounded cool?" Shisui rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment.
"Well, it sounded good in my head. But seriously, the Sharingan is nothing but hard work and guts to obtain, and way too easy to use. And there are some odd techniques out there that we can't copy, such as clan secret techniques and Kekkai Genkei." Sasuke nodded again. This talk had given him a lot to think about.
"Sasuke! It's time to come in!"
"Coming!" As he walked past, he waved to Shisui, who waved back happily, proud that the boy at least had listened to him. Whether or not the lesson stuck was up to Sasuke- if he wanted to be a stuck-up little prick, then he could do that, but he hoped that his cousin would stay the way he was- a sweet little boy with so much going for him.
As Sasuke ate with his family sans Itachi, he kept going over what Shisui had said.
"Take the time to improve the techniques you know." With Shisui's words echoing in his ears, Sasuke decided that he would become the best Uchiha in the clan, like his brother and cousin. This path was different from the path that his parents had felt was his, but it was his choice, his conviction- his Ninja Way.
That night, he slipped through the house, as quietly as he could, going to the jetty. Once there, he started practicing his Fireball, outside of the prying eyes of his clan. No matter what, no matter what technique he learned, this would be his favourite.
Unknown to him, Shisui and Itachi were watching him from the shadows, watching his determination.
"Wow, that kid's really got drive, right, Itachi?" Itachi just smiled.
"Sasuke… I'm so proud of you."
"He's only going to get better, and you want him to." Shisui stated the obvious.
Itachi nodded.
"Hopefully, he'll grow strong for himself, and not just to best me. Then, maybe our clan will see Sasuke as who he truly is- a strong ninja in his own right, not just mine."
"You think he knew that you were just transformed into me, right?" Itachi shook his head.
"I think that if they saw me at the pond with my brother, our political stock would have been lowered even more. After all, if I'm not there with ANBU, then the village will just assume that I'm trying to free the Kyūbi or something." Itachi turned to Shisui.
"Speaking of foxes… where was Naruto?"
"…" Shisui just sagged.
"… You lost him, didn't you." Shisui just nodded.
"Shit."
The Weird.
Naruto was currently perched on the top of the Uchiha building, giggling under his breath. Since the Uchiha-jerks weren't very nice to him despite him being the most awesome thing since instant ramen, he was going to get them back with a little prank. Sneaking past Crow had been surprisingly easy, despite him having some kind of freaky teleporting technique. Man, that would be awesome to have! It would be like he was the Fourth Hokage or something!
Currently, he was going to remove the sticks from their butts with a totally awesome prank. This one called for skill and subtlety. With a grin, he hopped over to the nearest fan and, dipping his paintbrush into the pail he was holding, began to paint over the red with a nice, cheery orange. Orange made everything better in his opinion. Then, he ran over as quietly as he could to the next one, and repeated the process. After that, he started to get more daring.
It started when there was a guard near the huge fans on the gates. Sticking his tongue out at the slow-witted guard, Naruto painted over the fan with a brilliant orange. Then, he got an awesome idea. Seeing the large clan symbol on his back, Naruto snuck up behind him, pulled out a smaller paintbrush and started painting over the fan. Running away when the deed was done, Naruto decided to have a little more fun with the various guards.
One guard who'd placed the Uchiha fan on his breastplate had it painted when he'd briefly fallen asleep. Another guard who'd shaven his head and had it tattoed into his scalp had it drawn on while he was too drunk to see anything. The best one was when he'd managed to sneak up on a pair of policemen he disliked and, while painting the little fans on the back of their armour, he snuck in a porno that the Dog-faced ANBU had accidentally left in his apartment. Try explaining THAT to Fuckyou (as he'd taken to calling the chief of police in his head.) Then, he saw the Uchiha laundries and got a really AWESOME idea. He pulled out a couple of dye packets and grinned horribly. Then, he snuck into the laundry.
When he walked out again, it was with intense satisfaction of a job well done. The yellow dye would react with the red fabric in the clan symbols to make them orange, while making the white bit of the fan yellow. Even better, the blue shirts would now be a really cool shade of green thanks to the dye. Satisfied with his awesome pranks, he decided to make like a tree and get the hell out of the compound and back into the orphanage. While he knew that it would only delay matters and force him into a confrontation with the Hokage, it was still amusing when he just outright lied to the Uchiha in their freshly dyed garments. With a chuckle, he ran through the Uchiha rubbish dump. They threw away totally awesome furniture that they didn't want anymore. Seeing a rather nice, if slightly dirty cushion along with a rather battered looking armchair, Naruto appropriated the cushion and swore to come back for the armchair another night. Finally leaving the land of stuck up prissy bastards, he looked out to the lake, where he saw a young boy breathing… smoke? Well, whatever. He'd just sneak back home with his new cushion, wash them, and then sit down on them rather than just sit on the floor. At last, his arse would be warm in the winter.
By the time he'd made it back to the orphanage, he estimated that the Uchiha had only just now discovered his pranks. Still chuckling, the boy walked into the boiler room. Looking both ways, he pulled up an ordinary tile and stashed the cushions in the small room that he knew was below there. Satisfied that his treasures had been secured, the boy decided to get some sleep, as he'd probably be lectured extensively by the Chief of Police really early in the morning. As he fell asleep, one thought stole through his mind.
Man, I really want to do this for a living…
Meanwhile, the Third Hokage just rubbed his nose as he looked at his chief of police.
"Hokage-sama, I really must protest about the brat. I have just found out that every fan has been painted orange, including the armour of the clan guards. Not only that, but the clothing of half the clan had now been mixed with yellow dye, which will take special chemicals to remove."
"Would you rather he start killing people to gain attention?" Fugaku shook his head.
"No, it's just that this prank-"
"Was also done to the Hyūga, Akimichi, Nara and Inuzaka clans. Your point is?" Fugaku briefly considered telling the Hokage that those cases were less severe when he realised that, technically, he didn't have a leg to stand on with that statement. The boy's humiliations were limited to glitter traps, glue bombs, stink bombs and paint. No prank had ever had the potential to kill anybody. It was simply that the pranks were simply so ingenious that it was prime trap-making training- which indicated a much greater level of mental stability than most Jinchūruki ever had. In short, if Naruto ever read a law book, the Police Force was doomed.
"Well, here's to hoping that he doesn't get a friend that knows the law book off by heart. Imagine what the brat could do with that kind of knowledge." The Hokage just glared at him.
"I just hope that Naruto will actually make some friends at this rate."
Author's note:
Please, read and review.
Any comments that I like I will reply to them in the next chapter. Until people comment on something I find interesting, I will not update another chapter.