A/N - Many, many thanks to LoneWolf16 who wrote 'Redwall Defense Guide, Aka, How to Save the Blinkin' Abbey…AGAIN!!' more commonly know as simply 'Redwall Defense Guide'. I used most of that for a basis for this story. And I got permission, so THERE! Ask if you don't believe moi. o.0
Don't you just love humour? Heh. Good, I can't write it, well though. Tell me what you think of my first Redwall 'parody'! R&R! Thanks!
Disclaimer: Who do ya think I am, Brian Jacques? Well, if I were, then hey, I would be famous, and write some of the best books in the world (contrary to popular belief) (hey, man, it's my opinion)! So, repeat after me (BJ excluded):
I do not own Redwall...
Got that? I do not own Redwall! Gr!
Saving Redwall
A small mouse scampered from the library of the Abbey, down to the cellar, to where the Abbot was practising with his bow.
"Father!" the mouse squeaked, whom was far older than a Dibbun, but still considered young by the Abbey elders, who were all experts with weapons, "Father! Vermin have been sighted at the main Gate! They want to parley!"
The elder looked up at the young mouse, and shook his head, as though clearing it of some strange thought. He fired his shot, without looking, and it scored a direct hit. He yawned, then leapt up, and grabbed Martin the Warrior's sword which was resting upon a pedestal near the other weapons, but beheld high. He dashed to the library, where the badger called Dillon rested, browsing through a copy of 'Redwall Defence Guide' by LoneWolf16. She looked up as the Abbot entered, and said, quite calmly, "More vermin, Father? I'm guessing you want another mad show from Lill and me?"
"'M 'fraid so, Dill. After all, Lill an' you are supposed to be the mad ones in this Abbey, 't says so in that very book. Remember LoneWolf16? That nice recorder was never happy with our results at wars. Hey, at least now we have proper records!"
"Mmm..." said the badger distractedly, as though thinking of something else.
Then she strode off into the gloom of the early morning when most Redwallers got up these days. She got to the walltop, and found Lillian already waiting, summoned by the athletic Abbot.
"Tiberius sent me, Dill." said the Warrior Vole simply.
"He sent me too. So what should we do? Try the ole BW?"
"Aye, it always seems to work... The vermin must be stupid to fall for it. Wonder what they want this time."
A gruff voice called out from over the wall, "Oi! Me 'onest mast'r Lord Viskin, an' me graychus Laydie Deyak 'ave da wish ta parlee wit' ye. So thank yer lucky stars we ain't comin' in there ta 'vade, cuz we'd kill da lot o' yers in an ins'an'. So, anyways, me Lord an' Lady will come to –"
"Shut up you insolent rat!" yelled another voice, harsh and grating, like steel scraping upon steel.
"Come on out, slaves, I mean, good beasts, we wish only to parley," Another voice spoke, honeyed with sweetness, but still harsh, like a bee which had concealed its sting.
The badger leapt up, teeth bared, and the vole swung the sword had brought with her, both yelling, "REDWAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!"
In the pretence of being contained by other beasts below, they ceased their yelling, and began kicking and thrashing, until the Abbot arrived and took swiftly over as the two creatures went down under the load of fictitious creatures holding them down. The Abbot stood up, and received a taunt from one of the vermin, "Lookit, an' ole mousie, this is the army we're up again' boss?"
At this remark, the Abbot looked down at the offending vermin over the tip of his worn spectacles, and retreated. This action gained him the phrase "Scared are ya?"
In a moment, however, he remerged, carrying something bulky with him. He lifted it, and without even sighting, shot twice from the bow he carried, pinning the paws of the insulting vermin instantly.
"Now," began the Abbot in a reasonable tone, "Whatever do you want?"
The big warlord snarled, and looked up at the Abbot. Tiberius, for that was the Abbot's name, could finally see what manner of creature the big beast was. In actual fact he was large fox, as was his wife, but she was a lighter shade of the reddish colour they both were. The male was looking intimidated by the Abbot's quick resolve to use weapons, so the vixen spoke for them both.
"We want your Abbey, mouse!" she spat, "Surrender!"
Dillon had been inching towards her javelin and Lillian to her throwing dagger. They both stood at the same time, one throwing slightly to the left, the other slightly to the right of the vixen, and she stood no chance. She was slain in an instant.
L--JL--JL--JL--JL--JL--J
A Dibbun, which had evidently escaped the sharp watch of Catru Triosa, the name given to the three strict hare wives who looked after the youngest ones in the Abbey, making sure that they stayed out of the way during war times, stumbled merrily towards the wall. It had been confined to its dormitory for three weeks now, ever since the scouts had reported vermin on the loose.
The young creature, which had been taught how to defend its Abbey from its birth, began to open the five hundred and twenty-seven locks on the East Wallgate, then swiped a card through a holder, a card which had been taken from Lillian, and the door began to open, slowly. It squeaked loudly on its hinges, and the young creature left it ajar, and ran to get some oil.
It returned soon, and oiled the whole door, stopping to pass its paw across the strange badger runes placed frequently across the steel door. The youngster recalled one of Catru Triosa saying she didn't know why they bothered. It saw an armoured mouse shaking his head in front of the Dibbun, but the vision disappeared in an instant as the little one shook its head.
The young creature slipped out into Mossflower Wood, closing the door gently behind it. It was time for an adventure! A miniscule spider nestled in its web, soaking up the glorious sunshine. The young beast ran towards it, and scooped it up between two tiny paws. The little Dibbun was having the time of its life, and as it trundled along the woodland, it noticed something. A fox was standing on the path, awestruck.
"Pretty!" yelled the young beast, as it strode towards the villain.
As Dibbun reached up to stroke the fox's shining coat, it let go of the spider it was carrying. The arachnid leapt up onto the vermin's nose, and a cry of fear ripped from Lord Viskin, as he leapt about, screaming.
"Help! Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeee! A spppiiideeeeeerrrrrrr! Aaaaarrrggggg!"
The Dibbun did not quite understand what was going on, but it saw that as the fox was leaping about, its coat did not look so pretty any more, but dirty and matted.
"Yucky," it muttered, and picked up a hardwood stick conveniently placed on the ground. It whacked the fox hard, very hard, very, very hard! So hard in fact, that it stunned the Warlord. As he fell, he became easy prey for the Warrior Vole, and ended his life thus, still screaming.
Then, at the climax of events, the Abbot yelled "CHARGE!" and as he did so, the main gate opened wide, as though accommodating, yet out swarmed hundreds of the old Abbey beasts, all armed with 'Sharp Pointy Things'. The Abbot himself, did an acrobatic flip, and landed at the head of his vast army, as did Lillian and Dillon.
"RRRRREEEDDDDDDDDDDWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL L!"
The great cry was taken up by all the Abbey elders, as they charged into the masses of vermin. Not a single one was left alive. Thus, the Abbey elders again saved Redwall from a fate worse than... death?