A Dream
I wake up in the middle of the night feeling sick to my stomach, I feel as if I can't breathe, my heart is racing and my head is spinning. Sweat is pounding down from my face. Even though years have past since the games, its memories still haunt me. Sometimes I feel that when I wake up from my sleep I'll still be in the arena, sleeping in a tree, blood splatter everywhere with the sensation of death lingering. There isn't one moment where my thought aren't Capitol related.
When I close my eyes all I can see is the deaths that the Mockingjay caused. I see the deaths and the bombings the rebellion were responsible for, what I was responsible for. When I close my eyes all I can see is what a disaster I truly am.
What stupid berries.
I jolt up when I see a black shadow at the end of my bed. I rub the sleep away from my eyes but it's still there. I can't imagine what Peeta would be doing at this time of hour.
"Peeta?" I whisper but receive no response. I search on the left side of the bed for his body, but I feel nothing.
"Peeta's not here Katniss" The shadow says, in a delicate girls voice. That voice, that little lost beautiful voice, a voice I'll never be able to forget. It's the voice of a young girl who was killed in my games.
"Rue?" I choke out trying to hold in the sobs which so desperately want to escape. "Rue is that you?" She turns towards me so I can see her. I let out a small cry as see her blood stained hair and tiny body. I reach out to hug her when I see she still has the spear lodged into her. The very spear that took my Rue away from me.
Neither of us say a word, we just maintain an unspoken eye connection. The silence between us is a new level of torture I've yet to experience. I am trying to find something to say to her, but nothing comes to mind. Finally Rue screams, killing the unbearable quiet. "You let this happen Katniss, you let me die!"
"No Rue." I say as I being to cry. "I tried to save you, you know that right. If it was down to me and you. I…I would have let you win. I swear." I tried to do everything possible to protect her, I love her, but that wasn't good enough. She was still killed. "Please Rue don't do this to me not again." The little girl I once new slowly makes her way towards me. Rubbing her hand along the sheets making them stained with blood.
"But Katniss would you have really let me. You told me yourself that you would try to win for your little sister. Were you lying?" That last part took me off guard and I automatically became a bit defensive.
"Rue no! That was before I met you! I couldn't have killed you even if I tried. You were to much like Prim."
"To much like Prim, eh? Didn't you let her die too? Oh well at least you gave me somebody to play with in Hell." She sneered.
"You met Prim? Rue, tell me, is she fine?" Thoughts of a dead Prim begin to deluge in my mind.
"Oh Katniss just shut up already! Of course she's fine she's here isn't she?" She laughs. I turn to my left and see a bloody girl staring at me from the other side of the room.
"Pr..Prim?" I cry.
"Oh, so as soon as she gets here you forget about poor little old me? That's not fair Katniss!" Rue screams, shaking me to my core.
"Katniss she's right you know. You let her die." Prim begins to walk my direction, her soft beautiful voice bringing me to knees. I've missed that voice so much, it's all I think about, but not like this, this isn't how I wanted to hear it again.
I'm too startled to speak. Two children that died. Two children I never thought I would see again are standing here before my eyes.
"No, I loved you both don't forget that!" I yell back at them. But I quickly shut up when I hear a man's voice coming from the door.
"But Katniss did you ever love me. I did save your Peeta and I died for you in those tunnels."
"Finnick? Why? Why are you all doing this to me?" Finnick walks out of the darkness. I can see his wounds that are oozing with blood, wounds that I caused.
"You need to understand why you are the one who lived! You need to understand why we died for you and for the rebellion! You need to understand why you have to move on and forget us. You are killing yourself for thinking that you are the one who killed us." He bellows at me. I stare at all three of them with tears in my eyes. Do I really think I'm the one who killed them? I guess that's true. I do blame myself for their deaths. I blame myself every single day.
"Katniss, you need to let go it's been ten years. Let go, but never forget us. Please. You're holding us back. You need to let go." Prim wails. I stare at her blond hair which is all knotted and frizzed and disintegrated in parts. I don't think I could ever let it go.
"I do blame myself for your deaths. How can I let go if I blame myself?" I ask
"We are all responsible for our own actions, I was stupid enough to let myself get caught in a net. I should have looked around better." Rue whispers. I can see her spear disappearing, the clothes changing to white, the knots in her beautiful hair becoming strait. She looks like the beautiful girl I saw at the interviews. She looks like my Rue again.
"And I made a choice to follow the Mockingjay. I made the choice to go with you. To die for you." Finnick adds as he grasps my shoulder. He turns back into the man I saw at his wedding. The glowing, charming gentleman I love.
"You know I never could have let helpless kids die Katniss." My little sister Prim explains to me before she turns into the girl I saw at my first reaping. I look at my three friends. They faced so much before they died. They did so much for me.
"That doesn't matter, it's still my fault, I still blame myself, and you are dead because of me."
"Katniss listen to me," My sister pleads as she comes over and give me a hug. "We didn't just do it for you; it was for all of us. We wanted it as well; we needed to what we did, not because we felt obligated, but because we really wanted to. We did it so future generations, like your own children can be safe."
I begin to cry even more at her words. Her words of truth. When did she become so wise?
"I know, I just can't help but feel guilty. But I know in my heart that it wasn't just for me. It was for everyone." I look at their beautiful faces. "I love you guys."
"That's what we needed to hear Katniss" Rue says as she walks over and kisses my cheek. A bright light forms behind them and Rue turns around and sees it. She smiles and yells.
"Grandma? Katniss, its Granny!" She turns around and smiles at me.
"Go to her Rue." Rue hugs me one last time and runs into the light. She runs towards the light, and in a blink of an eye, is gone. As tears streamed down my face Finnick walks to me and wraps his arms around me. I lean on his shoulder.
"Katniss, watch over Annie and my son." He kisses me on the cheek and backs away into the light. "I promise, Finnick." Right before he disappeas forever, he looked over his shoulder and told me something I will never forget.
"Katniss, if you truly love something, set it free." There was a small flash of light, then just like Rue before him he was gone. I turned around and looked at my baby sister, and started to cry again. She walked over to me and put her arms around my neck and let me cry into her shoulder.
"Prim, don't leave me. Please." I plead over and over again.
"Katniss, I have to. Don't worry about me, I'll be okay, I will be with Rue and Finnick. They will miss me if I don't go." She whispered. Then all of a sudden behind her the light started to shine brighter. "They're calling me Katniss. They need me." I slowly remove myself from her and stand up with her. She smiled at me one last time. I gave her a little pat on the back and said. "Go on then little duck have fun."
To which she replied with a little "Quack" then giggled. She took off running into the light and she disappeared the light with her. I cried for what seemed like ages before my whole world started shaking. My heart felt as if it wasn't there anymore, yet it felt better than before.
That was when I woke with a jolt.
"Katniss you okay?" Peeta asked me from his side of the bed.
"Yes Peeta, I think I'm fine."
"You were crying in your sleep." He asked with concern in his voice as he gently caressed my face, whipping away the tears.
"Its fine really, just go back to sleep." I tell him.
"Are you sure there's nothing you want to talk about?"
I kiss him gently on the lips silencing him. "Really, now sleep."
"Fine…." Peeta replied sleepily. Then within a span of five minutes he was asleep.
I stare up at the ceiling thinking of all the friends I lost. I need them in my life, but when I truly think about, they never left me. They're still here and always will. Under my breath I whispered. "I will never forget you."