Mercy

A/N: So this is basically the result of 2 hours of sleep and being awake at 4 in the morning with nothing to do. It turned out like a stream of consciousness so let me know if it doesn't seem to flow correctly.

Obviously this is totally un-betaed and all errors are evidence of my insomnia.

Story takes place immediately following the 100th episode and ignores any other episode following.

After that night, Booth sat in his living room replaying the conversation he'd had with Brennan. He couldn't stop thinking about it. She was so vehemently against them being together that it startled him. He was SO sure. He'd felt the moment was right. He didn't know why he'd thought that she would just fall into his arms and declare her feelings for him just like a Kate Hudson movie. That would be so… not her.

He'd been waiting a long time, years if he was being truly honest, to tell her how he felt for her. And these past months after his 'coma dream' had been the worst. He really had no idea why he had even told anyone about it. He had to have known that Sweets, boy genius, would have taken it and used it as ammo in his unending battle to get them get together. Seriously, he was worse than Angela in the subtlety department.

This is why Booth couldn't figure out why these last few months Sweets had been telling him keep his feelings to himself. As if just because he took a prolonged nap his feelings weren't real. He knew what he's been feeling for the better part of 6 years. It was like he had blurted out to Brennan, he knew, right from the beginning.

So needless to say, he was surprised when Sweets jumped ship so rapidly and right in front of Bones. He basically declared their love for one another FOR them. Booth didn't really feel that because they were attracted to each other when they first met, it should change ALL of Sweets' conclusions so drastically. Besides, who wouldn't be attracted to Bones? Admitting that didn't seem like such a big deal. He's told people that he thought she was beautiful, Brennan included. But Sweets was pretty hung up on that first kiss.

He and Brennan had done a pretty stellar job convincing themselves that kiss didn't matter. The fact that neither of them had told anyone else about it didn't mean anything either. Even though Bones was so candid about most subjects, almost uncomfortably so, it didn't necessarily mean that she put any weight in it. Clearly it was unimportant. And obviously she didn't sit around on the slow nights after a case had been closed while drinking a beer and think about it for an inordinate amount of time… neither did he… obviously.

He wondered if this one would go unacknowledged as well. Even in the light of their 'conversation'.

To be fair, it was less of a conversation, and more like him begging her to give it a chance, to give him a chance. Her response was to throw several excuses at him. The old standby excuse about the FBI's rules was offered first. He knew he had to convince her that this was bigger than the FBI, bigger than their rules and protocols could control.

He kissed her. For five beautifully heart aching seconds she was responsive and happy and every star was aligning in his favor. Until that logic switch somewhere in her over-analytical brain got flipped and she pulled herself away and protested.

Brennan said she was trying to protect him from her. He had no idea what she meant. Didn't she know that he was in this for the long haul? Forever. He wasn't some guy that would leave her, abandon her at the first fight or second broken date. He knew her. Completely. He loved every single facet of her hyper-rational self. She told him that she couldn't risk it. She wasn't a gambler like him.

She clearly didn't understand that this was the biggest risk she'd have to take, just deciding to try. After that he was sure, he knew that everything would just work for them. It would be like a real life romance movie. He'd make sure of it. That's what she deserved. She'd been through enough in her life that this should be something that should just work out for her.

When he told her that he knew, from the beginning, Brennan wasn't buying it. She had tears in her eyes and her struggle just made him want to convince her more. To show her how he could help her, how they could help each other. But she was insistent. She said that she was a scientist and she wasn't capable of changing. He couldn't make it clear to her that she didn't have to change and he didn't want her to try. He wasn't going in blind here. He wanted what was right in front of him; flaws, real or imagined, and all.

Booth didn't know what else to say. He was feeling the hopelessness of the situation. When she asked him not to look so sad he had no more words. She was actually rejecting him. He agreed that they could still work together but he didn't know how long he could do that. He'd said he had to move on and find someone else who'd love him the rest of his life, but he knew that wasn't really the case.

Sure, he'd go out with other women, he may even like some of them, but he'd be biding his time. One look from Bones and he would be out the door. So his solution had to be suck it up or get away. He was certain if he left they would both crumble. Even with Brennan's supposed grand ability to rationalize and compartmentalize, she couldn't handle yet another abandonment. He could see the fear, the desperation in her eyes when she asked if they could still work together. He didn't know what her reaction would have been if he'd said 'no'.

He knew that should make him uneasy, being the one responsible for Brennan's emotional well-being on that type of scale. But it didn't. He wanted it. He wanted the chance to be the one allowed to take care of her and love her for the rest of their lives. 'Til death do they part, at the very least.

But that's not what she wanted so all his wishing was wasted. She wasn't interested in him. They were just friends. God he had never hated a single word so much in his life. It didn't seem to encompass the intricate relationship that they had somehow cultivated over the last 5 years of their intrepid and sometimes tumultuous partnership. But that's what they were, friends. And partners. And if that was all she ever offered to him for the rest of their lives he would latch onto it as eagerly as a drowning man to dry land.

Because she didn't want him.

Right?

He'd spent hours already going over their conversation and he could still hear it as clearly as if someone was playing a recording. She gave him a lot of reasons why they couldn't even attempt a relationship. Citing bureau policy, her fear of hurting him, her unchanging personality, and terrible track record with relationships. But he was totally certain that she didn't include not returning his feelings, or not wanting it.

How could it be that this had escaped him? He had been so preoccupied with the fact that she was rejecting him, all her heard was her shouting the words 'NO NO NO' instead of what she was really saying. Maybe there was still a chance. Unless she was trying to spare his feelings. Let him off easy by blaming their circumstances instead of him.

But this was Brennan, she didn't spare anyone's feelings. No matter whom it was. She believed that the facts were all that mattered and that was that.

Of course, she'd said it right to his face. She didn't want to end up hurting him with her perceived dysfunctional romantic nature. All the excuses she gave him were in relation to her own shortcomings. Not his.

He knew it, he knew he wasn't wrong about them. If he'd only pushed a little harder maybe he could have gotten her to admit it out loud. He was just so defeated by the look on her face that he lost his steam. He so badly wanted to go back and do it over. To let her know how wrong she was and that even if she was insecure about it that he was sure enough for the both of them.

But he'd let it slip by. He didn't even tell her he loved her. Sure he had a few months ago, but then he got so scared of her reaction that he covered it up in the most pathetic manner. And if it had been anyone else but Brennan, with her innate inclination to take things at face value, he would have been called out.

Suddenly it seemed clear what he had to do. He had to talk to her. Now. Tell her exactly what he was thinking and what he should have said the first time around. He didn't think about the time or of calling her to ask if it was alright, he just grabbed his keys and flew out the door.

He got to her building absurdly fast. Partly because of the light traffic at this time of night and partly because of his flagrant abuse of the police lights on his dashboard. Technically it was only supposed to be used in an emergency. But honestly he could recall a time when he'd felt more of a sense of urgency. Perhaps only when she'd been buried alive.

He threw the truck into park in the parking garage and took the stairs two at a time instead of waiting for the elevator in her building. He was panting by the time he reached her floor. He took a moment to regain his breath and walked up to her door.

tbc

Note: i realize this is injustly short but I didn't want to continue in my state, it would go more south than it already is. But if you made it this far I am totally open to suggestions and i DO have a plan for the rest of the story. Which, although was mostly narrative in this chap, will have ACTUAL CHARACTER INTERACTION in the next chap. 'mtired.