My darling Sybil,
Two year ago today was not only the happiest day of my life, but also the most heartbreaking. It was the day you gave me the most precious gift of all, our beautiful daughter – but, it was also the day that you were cruelly taken from me – from us. I miss you so much, love.
It feels strange writing this, knowing you won't ever get the chance to read it…I feel you around us all the time, so maybe you already know what's going on. At least I hope you do. God, there's so much I want to tell you, so much I feel like I need to explain.
I'm still at Downton…I know, it wasn't what we had planned, but really, none of this was, was it? It just didn't feel right moving back to Dublin without you – not yet anyway. And it's not just that, I know I could get a job writing for the paper again, but financially, I'm better off here. I'm smiling as I write this, because I'm picturing you shaking your head, asking me if that's a good enough reason to stay, and am I happy here? And you know – I am… as happy as I can be without you anyway. It's not going to be forever, but, for now, this is what Sybbie and I need. It comforts me knowing I am providing her with somewhere safe to grow, and that she'll learn to walk and talk in the same house you did…That doesn't mean I can't wait to take her home to Ireland. We will go back, I promise.
Mam came to visit just after you… when Sybbie was a month or so old. Your mother surprised me by bringing her over, which I'm grateful for as I needed to see her desperately. I have to admit, seeing our mothers' sitting across from one another in the same room – getting on, was quite bizarre. They now regularly write to each other, which I still can't quite get my head around – but it's nice. I know mam worries about me, so that helps.
Your father has also warmed somewhat to me being here, I can thank Sybbie for that. He's smitten with her. I sometimes catch him in the nursery, talking to her – about you. Telling her how happy he'd be if she grows up and becomes as wonderful a woman as her mother – I never let him know I'm there, that I'm listening, but darling, he's so proud of you. I only wish he told you this while you were still with us.
Mary is doing a little better. She misses Matthew terribly, of course she does, but George has been a blessing. She's great with him. I sometimes find myself watching her with him, wondering if that's what you would have been like with our little one. You would have been such a wonderful mother.
I know Edith misses you awfully, and feels extremely lost without you. I promise I'm keeping an eye on her for you. Whenever I see that she's having a bad day, Sybbie and I take it upon ourselves to try and put a smile back on her face. Sybbie usually wins; it's not easy looking at her and not smiling. God, she reminds me so much of you that it hurts sometimes. She's already trying to do things herself, like hold her own bottle. I don't know if I'm quite ready for her to be so independent yet. I told your mother and she said that, that never gets easier. That I'll never be ready for her to grow up and that she'll always be my baby. I know she's talking about you when she says this. You were her baby – and no mother should ever have to bury their child. This brings me back to why I'm still at Downton – having Sybbie here has been wonderful for the entire house. It's given everyone a purpose… a reason to smile again. And goodness knows everyone has needed a reason to smile.
I love you so much, darling. As a smart woman once promised me, "believe it or not, I will stay true to you"
Yours forever,
Tom