"Homophobiaphobic"
ACT I
TITLE SEQUENCE
ESTABLISHING SHOT - EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY
INT. FOURTH GRADE CLASSROOM
Mr. Garrison writes a detailed explanation of the plot to Inception on the chalkboard. The students in the class are already covertly packing up.
The SCHOOL BELL RINGS.
Mr. Garrison turns back to find only Kyle remains in his seat.
GARRISON
Impatient little shits.
Kyle clearly heard him and looks at him with disapproval. He walks toward the door but notices a marble notebook on a desk. "CRAIG" is written in big block letters on the cover.
INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
The hallway is empty, with the exception of Craig sorting through random shit in his locker.
Kyle runs across the hall, giving more weight to returning the notebook than the situation warrants.
KYLE
(out of breath)
Craig. You forgot this in class.
Craig, nonchalant, looks to Kyle and spots the notebook. His eyes grow wide.
CRAIG
Oh. Shit. I mean, thank you.
Craig yanks the notebook from Kyle's clutch. A large, folded collage falls out. Craig's expression becomes more frantic.
Kyle unfolds the collage, his eyes darting to the paper and back to Craig. Shirtless pictures of members of One Direction fill the page completely.
KYLE
So you're a big fan of One
Direction?
CRAIG
Sure, they're cool, I guess.
Craig reaches for the collage but Kyle looks closer and finds a hand drawn picture of one of the members (doesn't matter which), naked with an erect penis.
KYLE
A huge fan...
Craig yanks the collage away and throws it into his locker.
KYLE (CONT'D)
Is there something you need to get
off your chest? I won't judge.
Craig slams his locker shut and walks away but Kyle doesn't budge.
KYLE (CONT'D)
Are you gay?
Craig stops for a moment, a bit affected.
CRAIG
(quietly)
I like guys, no big deal.
KYLE
Because you know I'm not a
homophobe.
Kyle follows him, though from a distance.
KYLE (CONT'D)
It's okay if you don't want to talk
about it. But openness can be
rewarding, y'know. So just, just
tell me.
Craig turns around to face Kyle.
CRAIG
I'm gay. I said it before but you
didn't...
KYLE
(cuts him off)
Whoa. You're so
(pause)
brave. Am I the first person you've
told?
Craig won't answer. Kyle takes this as affirmation.
Craig looks unphased but Kyle approaches Craig, eyes closed, and embraces Craig in a hug.
KYLE (CONT'D)
I'm here for you dude.
Kyle smiles. He pats Craig on the back.
Craig flips off the air as if it's Kyle.
ESTABLISHING SHOT - EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY
INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY HALLWAY
Crowds of kids and a few teachers flood into the hallway. Craig is among them.
Craig makes his way down the hall but as he does, a few girls lurking in the shadows WHISPER to each other.
Craig halts and looks around. The girls hide deeper into the shadows. He continues. The girls GIGGLE.
The girls, now revealed to be Fourth Graders, cluster behind Craig. He pays no attention as he opens his locker. He pulls out two books then turns around.
A horde of Fourth Grade Girls surround him completely. Bebe leads them as she makes awkwardly close eye contact with Craig. Bebe's mischievous smile, along with the other girls, is creepy as hell.
CRAIG
Uh. Good morning?
BEBE
Is it true?
Craig looks from side to side as the girls inch closer.
CRAIG
Is what...?
BEBE
(cuts him off)
Are you gay?
Craig turns around and shuts his locker. He turns back around and they are all ecstatic.
BEBE (CONT'D)
(super fast)
Kelly was told by Mandy who was
told by Nicole who overheard Lola
being told by Timmy as translated
by Jimmy that Nelly learned from
Nancy
(takes a deep breath)
who was given a note from Jason
about overhearing Kyle telling
Wendy that you were gay.
An eerie silence follows. A random girl from the crowd breaks the silence in a loud, high-pitched voice:
GIRL IN CROWD
Is it true?
Craig, still inexpressive, looks down then up again. He holds his books tight and backs up.
CRAIG
Yeah, sure, I guess.
The girls SQUEAL in unison. The girls grab Craig's arms and surround him completely. They move as a herd down the hall, Craig in the center.
CRAIG (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
Two of the girls lock arms with Craig. They exit the school.
EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY - CONTINUOUS
The girls continue leaving. Craig tries to pull out of their grip but to no avail.
CRAIG (CONT'D)
Where are you taking me?
HEIDI
To the mall, silly.
RED
Totes. Every gay guy needs an
alternating attire.
CRAIG
But class.
The girls GIGGLE and rush off the school property, Craig stuck in the mix, now noticeably worried.
MONTAGE BEGINS
The music doesn't really have lyrics. It's just a bunch of danceclub bass sounds with random stereotypical girl words being said in autotune.
INT. DENVER, COLORADO MALL - DAY
The crowd of girls, with Craig still trapped, flood through multiple entrances.
INT. HOLLISTER - CONTINUOUS
Two of the girls force Craig into a dressing room and throw piles of clothes over the door.
INT. HOLLISTER DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Craig, in underwear and hat, collapses under the weight of all the clothes as it lands on him.
INT. HOLLISTER - CONTINUOUS
Craig stands in front of a row of mirrors as the girls gawk at his varying outfits. One after the other, the outfits get more flamboyant.
Craig is deadpan but the girls are getting a kick out of it.
GIRLS VOICES
Sexy! You're so fierce! Work it
gurl!
INT. DENVER, COLORADO MALL - CONTINUOUS
Craig, now with a flashy v-neck and tight skinny jeans, is rushed in the center of the girl storm. Some of the girls carry bags of more clothes.
INT. HAIR SALON - CONTINUOUS
Everybody in the salon is smiling at the sight of Craig as he's ushered into a stylist's chair.
A few women with an obscene amount of makeup on sit with their hair in steamers. They eye over Craig while reading from overtly Photoshopped-cover magazines. They smile profusely.
The hairstylist, so happy for him that her smile seems plastic, yanks off Craig's yellow-poof hat.
She shaves off the sides of his head and grabs a handful of a mix of hair products. She jams all the products at once through his scalp, much to the chagrin of Craig.
The chair is spun around to show Craig how he looks in the mirror. His hair is a modern pompadour with a certain boy-band quality to it.
The girls are wild with excitement. They pull him off the chair.
INT. DENVER. COLORADO MALL - CONTINUOUS
The herd of girls plus Craig continues down the mall again.
INSERT RAPIDFIRE MOMENTS:
Craig given huge sunglasses and hipster glasses to try on.
Craig having eyeliner forcebly drawn around his eyes at a kiosk.
Craig squirming as he gets one of his ears pierced.
Craig narrowly making his way out of the mall while carrying a stack of shoeboxes.
INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY HALLWAY - DAY
The girls walk in slow-motion with Craig in the center. The music in the montage shifts to that slow-motion quality.
Some of the girls take selfies with Craig while still walking forward.
END MONTAGE
INT. FOURTH GRADE CLASSROOM - DAY
Craig stands out with a certain air of gawdiness and discomfort. The girls fixate on him periodically.
Mr. Garrison is still illustrating, to the best of his abilities, the plot to Inception.
Cartman, who is getting a kick out of the new Craig, sits in the row behind him. He makes escalating psst sounds behind Craig, trying to catch his attention.
Craig pretends not to notice.
CARTMAN
(quiet yet somehow loud)
Craig. Hey Craig.
Craig tries harder to ignore him.
Cartman rips out a wad of paper, crumples it up, and lobs it at Craig's head. He still refuses to acknowledge Cartman.
Cartman GRUMBLES, then decides to toss a notebook at the chair. Cartman cups his hands around his mouth.
CARTMAN
Craig.
CRAIG
(pissed but whispering)
What?
Cartman smirks with an air of overconfidence.
CARTMAN
I read in the Gayly News that you
have a certain boner for people of
the male variety.
Craig goes to say something but then:
NICHOLE
Shut up Cartman.
MILLY
Yeah, Cartman. Learn to mind your
own business.
Craig turns back to the front of the classroom, trying to ignore it all. Cartman gets a bit louder.
CARTMAN
I think it's great, Craig. It's
truly inspirational.
There's a pause between them all. Mr. Garrison is still lecturing, unaware.
GARRISON
And the hollowed-out bishop totem
is a metaphor for Ellen Page's
vagina...
NICHOLE
So wait, you like that he's gay?
And you're not going to rip on him?
(pause)
I'm not buying it.
CARTMAN
(fake offense to it)
Come on Nicholisha.
NICHOLE
NICHOLE!
Mr. Garrison stops, but then continues scribbling on the board.
CARTMAN
Right, right, Nicole. I respect and
admire Craig for being brave.
His smile looks way too fake but the girls just shrug.
Cartman extends his right leg and nudges the back of Craig's seat.
CARTMAN
(whispers again)
Hey Craig. Hey Craig.
Craig turns around to Cartman and gives a death glare.
CARTMAN
Dude, all I want to say is, you're
brave and cool and just, I don't
want you getting any false hope.
There is an awkward stare between the two, Mr. Garrison mumbles off more stuff about Inception.
CRAIG
What the hell are you getting at?
CARTMAN
(cuts him off)
I don't want you thinking that I
may switch teams, y'know. You may
be enamored by my bulging
muscles...
Craig rolls his eyes but Cartman continues.
CARTMAN (CONT'D)
My firm ass, my flowing mane of
chestnut hair...
Craig closes his eyes and holds the bridge of his nose in frustration.
CRAIG
Please stop embarassing...
CARTMAN
(interupting)
No! You should never be embarassed.
I may not be attracted to you but
you should never be embarrassed of
your unmitigated sexual fixation
towards my body, coursing with the
testosterone your people so desire.
CRAIG
Are you seriously...?
The SCHOOL BELL RINGS. The kids jump out of their desks like before but Mr. Garrison scorns their behavior with a point of his finger.
GARRISON
You sit your butts down.
Everybody, with various degrees of being startled, sit back down.
Mr. Garrison continues writing on the board.
GARRISON
And with the combination of
overexplanation and loose character
threads, we can conclude that
Leonardo DiCaprio would never
receive and Academy Award...
Mr. Garrison circles Ellen Page's name on the board multiple times.
GARRISON
And Ellen Page was gay the whole
time. Now, did everybody write that
down?
Mr. Garrison turns around and they are all gone like before.
Garrison, frustration building up inside, spins around and kicks the desk against the wall. He collapses on the floor from the adrenaline rush.
INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Craig rushes the hell out of the school without even going to his locker.
The kids notice this.
Some of the Fourth Grade Girls conglomerate near the lockers of some of the Fourth Grade Boys (Stan, Bradley, Butters, Jason, Kenny, and Clyde).
BEBE
Did you hear that Craig came out of
the closet?
There is a very long pause despite the other activity in the hall.
BUTTERS
Woah...so he likes weiners?
CLYDE
That's so brave, to be out of the
closet at our age. Why hasn't he
told me yet?
RED
(snarky laugh)
Well you can't expect him to be
brave enough to tell all of you
guys.
BRADLEY
But we're proud of our gay friend,
right guys?
ALL OF THEM EXCEPT STAN
Right!
Bebe notices Stan, head in locker and not saying a word. She nudges Stan in the shoulder.
BEBE
Have you heard about Craig? Isn't
it amazing?
Stan's posture and expression reeks of boredom. He closes his locker and looks at the girls, now growing in numbers.
STAN
Yeah, sure, I guess.
The pause between the kids is noticeably awkward. All the kids, except for Stan, look back and forth to each other with certain contempt. Red steps up.
RED
You guess? You guess!? Do you
realize how hard this must be for
him? What if he was suicidal about
this? Haven't you watched the news?
STAN
I mean; it's no big deal.
CLYDE
No big deal?
(pause)
But he's gay.
STAN
So?
Stan tries to walk away but Jimmy, who somehow joined the crowd when this started happening, slams him against the lockers with his crutch.
JIMMY
You don't get it, you fu-fu-
FUH-king retard.
Stan's eyes widen in fear.
The other kids get closer to him and start pushing him around.
BEBE
You need to learn some respect you
homophobe.
TOKEN
Bebe's right Stan. You're just
being prejudiced.
Stan crawls his way past their legs but they continue chasing after him.
BUTTERS
Stan. Stop being so gosh-darn
ignorant.
Clyde throws a book at Stan but it misses.
NICHOLE
How could you be such an asshole?
Stan runs faster, his bookbag sliding off his shoulders, as all of the kids in the hall chant:
HALLWAY KIDS
HO-MO-PHOBE! HO-MO-PHOBE! HO-MO-
PHOBE!
BEBE
BASH THE BASHER!
Dozens of things are tossed in Stan's direction as he makes it out the door.
EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - CONTINUOUS
Stan jumps behind bushes, shaking, and holds his body in a fetal position against the wall. He shuts his eyes.
INT. CRAIG'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Craig enters, maintaining his deadpan demeanor.
Craig stops dead in his track when he sees his parents seated at the kitchen table with sympathetic demeanors.
CUT TO:
INT. CRAIG'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
Craig's parents show reassuring smiles as they sit on either side of him.
CRAIG'S MOTHER
Craig, you know your father and I
love you very much.
CRAIG'S FATHER
And we always will.
Craig rolls his eyes.
CRAIG'S MOTHER
And we want to talk to you about
something.
CRAIG
(pause)
Okay.
CRAIG'S MOTHER
Well you see honey, we've noticed
that you've been dressing... well,
different.
CRAIG'S FATHER
Which is okay.
CRAIG'S MOTHER
Very okay. And we've noticed that
you've had a certain... interest in
One Direction.
CRAIG'S FATHER
Which isn't something to be ashamed
of.
CRAIG'S MOTHER
Not at all. We just want you to
know that we, both, love you very
much and we are always here for
you if you want to tell us anything.
Craig's parents are very much in Craig's personal space now, their smiles never changing. Craig is unaffected.
CRAIG
(long pause)
Okay.
Craig steps off his seat and prepares to retreat from the room but then his parents stand up.
CRAIG'S FATHER
Are you...?
CRAIG'S MOTHER
Gay. It's okay if you are, we won't
judge.
CRAIG
(mumbling to self)
Not again.
CRAIG'S FATHER
What was that?
Craig breathes out, looks to his parents. Their expressions are super creepy.
CRAIG
I'm gay. Can I go to my room now?
Craig's parents lunge at Craig with open arms. They kneel down to embrace him. They SOB loudly.
CRAIG'S FATHER
We're so proud of you son.
CRAIG'S MOTHER
Our brave little boy.
Craig flips off the air behind them.
INT. MARSH HOUSEHOLD - DAY
Stan is utterly destroyed. He drags his bookbag behind him, not even bothering to close the front door as he enters.
The house appears empty. Stan climbs the stairs, the bookbag THUMPING on each step.
The rims of his eyes are pinkish, as if he has been crying.
INT. MARSH HOUSEHOLD - STAN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Stan collapses onto his bed, staring at the ceiling.
His bag and the contents of it are strewn across the floor.
CUT TO COMMERCIALS