Title: Beyond Memory
Summary: Natsume had everything: A good job, a good family, and a lovely, lovely wife. But when his beloved wife had been diagnosed with permanent amnesia after her accident, he wondered whether he could ever have that perfect life of his again. AU, Un-betaed.
Pairing: Summer Tangerine Pairing (NatsuMikan)
Genre: Romance, Family
Rating: T
A.N. : Another accident fic. I think I'm getting a bit addicted to this premise, don't you think? But it provides a very convenient (if very cliché) setup. It merely started when my mother told me a story of my deceased father having temporary amnesia once after a soccer ball bashed him hard on the head during a match (and yes, this story is true, but it sounds so ludicrous even I was like 'What? Umi, really?' and she merely laughed and said, 'Yes, really.'). It made me wonder, if my father's amnesia was permanent, would my mother still love him? Thus, this fic was born.
Disclaimer: If I own Gakuen Alice, Mikan's character development would have been so thorough; she would have been unrecognizable by the end of the series. Eh, no offence to Higuchi Tachibana though, she did a good job.
Warning: I'm a law student, not a med student. So I apologize in advance if the facts here are incorrect. I've done my research prior to typing this fic, but nevertheless, I doubt it'll be enough. So I'm sorry if I ruffled a few feathers. Please correct any factual mistakes I've made if you managed to spot any though.
Edited in 19th September 2016
Edited again in 30th September 2016
Natsume thought he was prepared for the worst. He never thought of how much it would affect him though.
Doe eyes finally opening. A confused look. A polite smile. Then…
"Who are you?"
He could feel his hands shaking, recalling the doctor's words before his wife woke up.
"During the accident, your wife received a hard blow to her head, causing a severe concussion. Her brain tissues were harmed in the process. We've done our best, but there is a chance that she may suffer amnesia."
The doctor warned him of what could happen. He knew it was a possibility. But still…
…he desperately wished that it would not come true.
Immediately after she woke up, Natsume called the doctor and alerted him. In a matter of minutes, the doctor together with his two nurses came and checked up on her. They asked questions, and with a sinking heart, Natsume and the doctor himself could see that his wife really had amnesia. His prayers were unanswered. Natsume stood up and texted his family and Imai about Mikan's condition during the the check-up. They should at least now about this. They were worried about her too.
After the brief medical check-up, the doctor told her of her circumstances. Mikan listened and said nothing, the confused look was still there. Her eyes looked a bit overwhelmed and lost. After the doctor and his two nurses left, Mikan looked at Natsume.
"You're someone important to me, right?" she asked. Natsume had to hold himself back when he suddenly felt an onslaught of tears threatening to spill. He didn't answer her question, merely schooled his expression and maintained his trademark poker face.
"You've just woken up. It wouldn't be good if you try to force yourself to remember. Just rest for now." With that, Natsume stood up and went to the door. Before he left, without looking at her, he said, "I'll come visit you tomorrow. Bye."
Mikan gave him a smile. "Goodbye. Be safe."
"You too."
He left and drove back home. When he finally arrived at his house, he could no longer control himself.
His knees became week as he leaned against the wall. For the first time in many years, Natsume allowed himself to cry.
"They said you are my husband. Is that true?"
Mikan asked him the next day while he visited. She asked him that with the same polite smile she gave him when she first woke up. Natsume hated that smile. Mikan always reserved that polite smile for strangers. She never gave him that smile. The smile she bestowed to him was always warm, and open, and kind, and loving and-
He took a deep breath and calmed down. "Yes."
Mikan tilted her head at that. Her eyes glanced at the matching gold bands on their ring finger. "I see." There was an uncomfortable silence before she finally speak, "There are so many things I've forgotten. It's very frustrating."
The only thing she remembered was her name and her birthday.
She never remembered her life before the accident. That included the people in it. She doesn't remember her childhood, her school years, her job, her likes, her dislikes, her relatives, her best friend, her parents, her uncle, her in laws.
She does not remember her first time meeting Imai, her experiences with her friends on her first school trip, the day she graduated from her school, her time in university, their marriage, the first time they met, their first date, their first kiss, their wonderful wedding night when they shared their first time together. She remembered only her name and her date of birth.
The doctor diagnosed her with dissociative amnesia. He told Natsume that since the damage to her brain was so severe, there was a good chance that her amnesia could be permanent. Natsume had his poker face the entire time he was with the good doctor. The elderly doctor was sympathetic of his plight, but he had done all he could to save her. Natsume couldn't very well blame him.
In fact, the only person he could blame is his own self. If only he had been more protective of Mikan. If only he hadn't let her went grocery shopping alone, she wouldn't have been involved in a hit-and-run. She was trying to push a child out of the way, disregarding her own safety.
The child was safe with minor injuries, but Mikan wasn't so lucky. The parents of the child offered him their condolences but the damage was done.
Mikan may never recover her memories. She won't be the same person she once was, the person he fell in love with.
But that will not stop Natsume from hoping that she would retain back all her memories.
It's been two weeks since she woke up. He visited her daily. Most of the time, he went alone. Sometimes with Ruka, or Aoi. Other times, his mother accompanied him. Imai went alone. All of Mikan's family members died a long time ago, the most recent death being her uncle a year after they married. She was an orphan. The only family member she had left is Natsume.
They tried to jog her memory, telling stories from the past. Mikan would listen attentively, never interrupting them when they were on a roll. The whole time she would smile with the same polite smile that Natsume was getting used to seeing on her, but still hated nevertheless.
They brought her personal belongings, their mementos of the times they shared with her. Picture books and videos were used very frequently. She would stare at all of them before shaking their head, giving them an apologetic look. "Sorry," she would say, and Natsume could feel the frustration everybody must feel. They left feeling defeated, but they'll try again the next time they visited her.
Natsume only stayed by her side, never saying anything. Natsume knew his silence and lack of participation in their efforts bothered Mikan. The others tried their best, but Natsume never attempted anything. He was her husband, so naturally wouldn't he try the hardest out of all of them?
Mikan voiced her thoughts after they left. "Why aren't you saying anything to me? Don't you want me to gain back my memories?"
Natsume gazed into her eyes for a long while. Curiosity was definitely there. She fidgeted slightly at the intense staring she was subjected to, but never broke the eye contact.
He replied, "You just woke up. I don't want to cause you any further stress." Then Natsume added, "When everybody came here, telling stories about yourself, you're burdened by their expectations, weren't you?"
It was the smile she wore the entire time that gave her away, the smile that Natsume hated. It was polite, devoid of the bright emotions that usually came with her smiles but Natsume could see that she was extremely bothered by everything. Not remembering everything, having to rely on other people's opinions on her; it was probably not a pleasant experience.
She gave a broken sigh, her face twisted into a look of despair. She was more open to him than to anyone else, even Imai (and that's saying something considering how strong their friendship was before the accident). She talked to him more compared to everybody else. Perhaps it was because he was her spouse or perhaps because he never tried to remind her of anything about herself.
She sounded very dejected as she spoke. "From what everybody told me, I sound like an incredibly nice and selfless person. I was very cheerful and very naïve. The videos and the pictures all show me the same thing; that I was a good person, with the only apparent flaw that I have was that I was very childlike and slightly feisty." Her head bowed down. "I'm…very afraid that I won't be that person anymore, the person everybody is waiting for. I don't want to shape myself to everybody's expectations of me but at the same time I don't want to disappoint them. I…" Her body shook as she continued, "I don't know what to do about this."
The urge to comfort and console her came over him. Impulsively, he pulled her into his arms. Her body stopped shaking and she became as stiff as a brick.
Shit. Natsume cursed himself. She didn't remember him either. Of course she wouldn't feel familiar with him. Why the hell did he hug her?
Regretfully he pulled his arms away from her when Mikan hugged him back. Slightly astounded by her actions, he gave her a puzzled look. She was embarrassed, her cheeks were flushed prettily, but she didn't let him go as she said, "Don't."
"You don't feel comfortable when people touch you," Natsume remarked. It was the same when his mother hugged her, when Aoi threw herself on her, when Imai grasped her hand. He didn't want to do the same thing.
She shook her head. "You are probably the most affected out of everybody else. You are my beloved husband, and yet I don't remember you anymore. Without my memories, I'm not the same person you married. I lost my memory, but you lost your lover. You must feel terrible about it, having me here but losing your wife all the same. So it's alright if you hugged me. I don't want you to feel sad or miserable about this. You are within your rights as my husband. I'm letting you hold me. It's fine."
Her hugged slightly loosened. "Besides, although it is unfamiliar, it is not unpleasant. I like it when you hugged me. You feel very warm. Maybe, I'll remember more about myself when I try to be more familiar with you." Her admission left her even more embarrassed than before, but there was compliance and acceptance. It was clear that she would accept his touch.
Natsume couldn't bear it anymore. For two weeks he was deprived of her. He missed his wife terribly. Mikan was right. He was miserable, relieved, and yet so very hurt at the same time. And right now she was so accepting, so kind, so very much like his Mikan-
He immediately embraced her, his arms tightly wounded around her, his lips in her hair as he breathed in her sweet scent that he so loved. Mikan went stiff again, but she slowly relaxed as she lifted her hands and caressed his back with hesitant yet soothing strokes.
She gently leaned her head against his chest. She said to him, her voice soft, "Everybody who visited me was so kind and understanding. You're the kindest and strongest out of them all. You are the closest one to me before the accident. I can't promise I'll gain all my memories, but I promise I'll try my best, so that all of you won't be so sad anymore."
Even after having amnesia, she still possessed that caring trait of hers. "You don't have to try so hard for us," Natsume murmured reluctantly. "It's alright if you don't force yourself. All that matters is that you're fine."
That was a lie. It wasn't fine if she didn't recover her memories. But Natsume didn't want to strain her. The only reason why she was being so accepting towards him is because he is her husband. That was the sole reason why she was closer to him than everybody who visited her. He didn't want to force what little he had with Mikan now by imposing his beliefs on her.
There was a knowing look in her eyes, and Natsume realized that she had seen right through him. Even without her memories, she was perceptive towards him; she knew what he felt.
She gave him a smile. It wasn't her usual cordial smile, but it was bright and warm, a reminiscent of what her smiles used to look like.
"I'm going to try anyway," she insisted. "At least, for your sake…" She stopped. Then shyly and hesitantly continued. "…Natsume."
Warmth engulfed him. She was willing to remember. Even though the amnesia could be permanent, she was going to try.
That reassurance was enough for Natsume. For now, at least.
It's been three weeks after she woke up. Her wounds had closed completely. The doctor declared that she was healthy enough to be released from the hospital but still needed regular check-ups to see if there is any side effect from her injury.
When the doctor allowed her to leave, Mikan requested to be checked out of the hospital. She wanted to see their house with her own eyes.
Their house. Hearing her say that made Natsume irrationally happy. He didn't know why.
She was still physically weak, and the doctors advised that she didn't strain herself too much. So Natsume had to help her move around in a wheelchair. He doesn't mind it though; it gave him another excuse to be near her at all times.
Natsume had shown her a picture of the house once upon her request. It was a normal two-storey house, in the suburbs, not too far from the city, but far enough to be peaceful. It's a perk for Natsume, he is a successful novelist, so he needed all the peace and quiet he could get.
During the first few months of their marriage, while they were house-hunting, she said she liked this house out of all the others they've seen, because she said it looked similar to the house from her childhood. That house no longer exists after the fire that took away both her parents life though. She spent the rest of her teenage years under her uncle's wing. She sometimes reminisces of her golden childhood. It made her happy yet melancholy.
Natsume, eager to please her, bought the house almost immediately after the trip. The money he profited from his novels was a lot, and Mikan herself was famous in the world of children's books, so it had not been difficult for them to buy the house.
He watched silently as Mikan roamed around the house. The kitchen where they cooked together, the living room that Mikan personally decorated, their mini library that held all of their works as well the books they liked and reference materials, the bathroom in which they sometimes bathe together (which more often than not caused them to spend hours in their bed making- best not go there), the spare bedrooms for guests and the master bedroom. The bedroom in which they sleep together, pun completely intended.
Mikan endlessly walked around the house as though she was looking for something, but she was unable to find it. There was a mild look of frustration and disappointment on her face.
It continued until late at night, with Mikan slowly pacing around the house as much as her weak body allowed her to and Natsume silently guarding her. When, it was time for dinner, Natsume silently took her hand and gently guided her to the dining room. After he helped her make herself comfortable, he stepped into the kitchen, put on his plain black apron and started cooking.
He didn't know what Mikan wanted to eat. During the entire time she was at the hospital, she never complained about the food nor was she ever picky. She dutifully polished off everything and thanked them for the meal.
It was too late for him to start on making anything elaborate, and he didn't have the shrimps to whip up Mikan's favourite dish, tempura, so he decided on curry rice. At least that wouldn't take too long. He toned down the spiciness though; Mikan never could stand spicy dishes, even though Natsume liked them.
After he was done, he turned around to set the table when he found Mikan staring at a photo on the wall. It was a picture of the two of them in Hokkaido during their honeymoon. It was spring and the cherry blossoms were scattered in the air almost ethereally. Mikan found everything to be so beautiful she decided to take a picture of them both there so that she wouldn't forget their wonderful experience in Hokkaido. It was one of the very few pictures they have that captured a moment of them both smiling, Natsume's face softened from his perpetual cold façade and Mikan with her ever smiling countenance.
He quietly set the table and Mikan snapped out of her reverie. Both of them sat down and started eating. It was silent, with only the sound of spoons scraping against the plates occasionally heard.
They collected the plates and tableware after they were done. Natsume guided her to their bedroom once again. When they reached the door, Natsume released his hold on her. "I'll be cleaning the dishes. If you want to take a bath, the towels and clothes are in the wardrobe. You can put the dirty clothes in the hamper near the corner of the room."
"Alright then," Mikan replied.
Natsume left her. As he busied himself with washing the dirty plates, he thought back on Mikan's behaviour. Ever since they arrived here, Mikan had become significantly quieter and more pensive. It made him worry; was bringing her here a mistake? Was it too soon? Was everything too much for her to take in? He sighed. He didn't know what to do. About the only thing he could do is stay by her side every step of the way.
After everything was clean, Natsume went back towards the bedroom and found Mikan staring at the vanity. Her long hair was slightly darker than its normal hue and it looked damp. She wore a pink satin yukata, one of the many wedding presents given to her by Imai.
When he came in, Mikan didn't notice him. It was only after he stood behind her that she noticed.
"Natsume."
"What's wrong?" he asked
Mikan bit on her lower lip, a habit that even amnesia was unable to take away from her. She looked conflicted.
Natsume knew it had something to do with her strange silence for the whole day. "If you don't tell me what's wrong, I wouldn't be able to help or do anything," he tried encouraging her to open up. At that, Mikan muttered something, her lips moving, but Natsume didn't manage to hear it.
"What is it?"
"…-el nothing."
"Hmm?"
"I feel nothing."
At that admission, Mikan's body began to tremble. "I should remember this house," she whispered. "I should remember all the pictures, the furniture, all of my belongings on the vanity and my clothes in the wardrobe. But I don't remember. In fact, I can't feel anything when I looked at them." Her arms wounded themselves around her body, as though trying to stop the trembling, and failed. "I should remember the books I've written, the reason why this house appealed to me and so much more. But nothing's working and I can't remember and it's so frustrating, I…" Mikan stopped her rambling and gave out a sound which sounded like a sob.
She looked defeated. Her petite frame looked smaller than it usually was, so small she looked almost childlike. The Mikan he knew had her weak moments, but she was never so pessimistic, and never a defeatist. Seeing her like this made him acutely aware that this Mikan, while the same person as his wife, did not have traits that made Mikan Mikan. She was missing so many parts of herself, parts that were created and formed from her experiences and her memories that the moment her memories were gone, so too those traits that came with it.
This Mikan was not his Mikan.
With widened eyes, Natsume now knew the severity of the situation. If her amnesia was permanent, then he would lose his wife as well. She would still be his spouse, but it would be as though he married a stranger. She would never be the same ever again.
But even though he knew that, he'll be damned if he let things the way it is. He would have to try having her go through everything that Mikan went through before. Not quite the same of course, he couldn't very well made her experiences the major events in her life all over again (particularly the fire from her childhood), but he'll try to help her.
If he wanted to have Mikan back, it would have to be done together by the two of them. Simply relying on her wouldn't work. If he went ahead with this plan, she wouldn't be quite the same as before, but close enough that Natsume wouldn't feel so alien towards her.
Natsume reached out to her and gently unwounded her arms, clasping their hands together. "It's alright if you don't feel anything now," he consoled her. "These things take time. You can't exactly expect to remember everything simply by coming here. If it were that easy, you would have remembered everything the moment you saw the pictures and videos. I'll wait for you."
"And how long will it take until I remember?" Mikan asked him. "Will it take months, years, decades? Will you still wait for me even though it would take a very long time until I remember everything?"
"Of course," he answered without hesitation. Mikan was slightly taken aback by his rather confident answer. "And even if you'll probably never recover, I won't abandon you. I promised you once that I will stay by your side until death do us part."
He stepped closer and told her, as clearly as he could, "Just because you lost memories doesn't mean I'll leave you. After all, I-" love you, was what Natsume wanted to say but what came out instead was, "-am your husband."
Natsume didn't know if his words had any lasting impact on her, but Mikan visibly relaxed after he spoke. Seeing her finally calming down, Natsume released her hands and allowed her to sit on the bed.
"We'll take things slow," he said. "Don't worry, I'll help you in every step of your way." I won't leave you, I won't let you suffer alone, I love you so very, very much, please don't disappear, please don't leave me.
That night, after Natsume had finished taking his bath, Mikan shifted to the right side of the bed, leaving the left side empty. Hesitantly, Natsume climbed up onto the left side and lied down. Their bodies weren't far away from each other, but it wasn't close enough for them to brush against one another. The empty space between them somehow felt out of place but neither moved.
He felt cold, but it was better than sleeping in a bed for two alone without her beside him. With that, sleep embraced Natsume like a long lost lover, welcoming a peaceful slumber after three weeks of aching emptiness.
The next morning, Natsume woke up with Mikan snuggling comfortably against his back. He didn't know when she moved, but it felt nice. It was definitely nicer to have her closer to him than away from him.
He continued to stay in that position until Mikan stirred, a sign that she was about to wake up. Natsume sat up and got off from the bed. He grabbed his towel and clothes before he went to the bathroom.
When he was done bathing, he found Mikan rummaging her wardrobe, a towel slung around her shoulders. Their eyes met. Mikan smiled at him. It was a bright smile.
"Good morning," she greeted.
Recalling the warmth of her body against his back, he wondered whether she was aware of her movement last night. Probably not. He wondered if she would be uncomfortable if she found out. She probably would.
"Morning."
It was the start of a new beginning for them. Natsume determined to make the best out of it. It wouldn't be good to jinx it by telling her she practically pressed her body against his this morning. He'd probably ended up freaking her out instead.
He wondered how long it would take for her to accept his affections though. He hoped it wouldn't be for too long. A man can only restrain himself for so long near the person they love before they snap. Natsume may be a lot of things, but patient and composed is not one of them.
In his honest opinion, Natsume had what he would call 'a perfect life'. He had a good job that he liked and skilled in doing, he had a wonderful family, good friends, and a lovely, lovely wife. But now, with the way Mikan is, he wondered if he'll ever that perfect life of his again.
It took almost a whole year for Natsume to be almost as close to Mikan as he was before.
To Natsume, it felt like he was dating and wooing her all over again. They went to a lot of places together and experienced a lot of things. In spring, Natsume took her to see the sakura trees blooming near the university, where they first met. He also took her to hanami with his family, where they spent a good deal of time conversing with each other. Mikan also had the time to get herself reacquainted once again with everybody. He could tell that she was still rather hesitant about everything, but she looked like she was trying for everybody's sake. That had Natsume frowning a bit. It was starting to feel as though she was doing everything in her power to remember all of them in order to please them all and not disappoint anybody. That wasn't good. He was doing everything for her after all, not for them.
After the hanami, Natsume cornered her and said to her, "I've told you, don't force yourself. It's alright if you don't remember everybody now. But I don't want you forcing yourself. It's not an obligation for you to remember everybody. They'll understand if you don't remember."
Not for the first time, Mikan looked conflicted. "I don't like to see them so sad. They're good people."
Natsume went close to her and wrapped his arms around her. It was quickly becoming a tactic of comfort for them both ever since that day they had the conversation at the hospital. Whenever one of them feel out of sorts or upset, the other would hug them. He had no qualms resorting to such methods, and Mikan no longer flinched or stiffened at his touch. In fact, dare he say it; she had actually grown quite comfortable with it.
"The one who would be affected the most when you gain your memories is you, not them. It's all about you. You're not obligated to please everybody. Take things slowly, and see how it will turn out."
Mikan hugged him back. Natsume could feel her head nodding against his chest. "Alright," she responded.
But Mikan still continued to try her best in order to remember everybody after that. Some things never change.
In summer, Natsume took her to the beach near Oshima. When they were still dating each other, Mikan once took him here to spend the holidays. It was a nice experience. Under Natsume's watchful eyes, Mikan learned to swim at the sea and make a really mean barbecue during the trip. Natsume remembered soundlessly asking for seconds. Mikan always indulged him whenever he did.
They had also started the ritual of making dinner together. Natsume almost always made breakfast whenever he did not feel tired or did not overslept. Mikan would sometimes fix them with a light lunch using recipes she learned from cook books. But they would always make dinner with one another, with Natsume usually deciding their meals. Mikan would just follow his instructions. Even after amnesia, Mikan still managed to retain a few of her abilities, such as an affinity for cooking. Mikan had always been good at cooking, much better than he was.
During that time, they would exchange words, and rare banters would sometimes come up. Natsume cherished those moments, especially when they start to mildly argue about nonsensical things such as 'what would go with the spagetti' or 'should they use these spices with these dishes'. It was proof that Mikan was starting to become more open towards him; she never exchanged so many words with anybody else aside from him, after all.
It was also during that summer that Mikan started to read the books she had written before her amnesia as well as Natsume's works. Mikan would sometimes spend hours near the beach, reading the books underneath an umbrella wearing a rather flattering sundress. Whenever she would ask him about his input regarding the books, it would often lead to debates about the themes in the books; another moment Natsume thought he would never have again with Mikan. Mikan engaged with him on equal grounds even though she had only recently read the books. She managed to parry everything he directed to her and at the end of those discussions, Mikan would always gave him a satisfied smile, thanking him for always answering her questions.
At the end of that summer, they watched fireworks together. There was a festival to celebrate the ending of summer and Mikan was more than happy to go along with him. Clad in a simple, light yukata, they went to the festival. There were a lot of booths and after pretty much trying a few of them, they went ahead to the shrine to see the upcoming fireworks. Sitting next to each other, colourful lights pierced the darkness with brilliant neon colours, Mikan asked Natsume, "Just for the sake asking, what would you do if I never get my memories back?"
Once again, it was her major concern in this trip. Just like with the house, Mikan felt nothing here, even though she admitted to him that it was a very pleasant trip here in Oshima. Her memories did not return upon coming here. Although it did not dilute the happiness she felt during the entire time in Oshima, it was still disappointing for her that her memories did not return.
Natsume's hands reached out towards her. Big hands gently clasped her small, delicate ones as he replied, "I'll still stay with you. I won't leave." I'll still love you, even though you won't be you anymore.
One might question, why is a person like Natsume Hyuuga doing so much for his amnesiac wife even though it's evident that the woman he loved is gone? Mikan Sakura is a good woman, one blessed with beauty both on the inside and out. But she's not the only woman who had all those qualities. She's kind, but there are others who are even kinder than her. She's well respected and talented in her field of occupation, but so are others. She's beautiful, but her beauty is a common one. Simply put, Mikan Sakura is a good individual, but not remarkably so. And Natsume Hyuuga, despite his status as a married man, many women would gladly allow him into their lives for he is indeed a desirable and enviable person. He would have no trouble finding another wife, one who could also love him as much as Mikan Sakura did, perhaps even more.
He could feel all the questionable looks he received from his neighbours and his editor as well as other authors burning at the back of his neck whenever he went out or whenever he decided to drop by the publishing company to deliver his newest works and manuscripts.
Well, it's quite simple. Natsume is a person who doesn't love easily, but when he does, he tends to do so wholeheartedly, passionately and without any reservation. And when he first fell for Mikan, his fate is pretty much sealed.
It does not matter if she's no longer the same, he would still love her. His love was encompassing, almost to the point of being self-sacrificial, because that is the kind of person he is. A very passionate person, with fiery spirit whose temper can only be tamed by the one bright soul in his life who constantly offered him a beautiful, honest, kind smile and who also loved him not because of his looks, or his bank account, or his talents. The woman who loved him as deeply as he loved her for who he truly is.
He would never betray her for another woman, for he had fallen too deep. And he had sworn to always be with her no matter what the future may hold for them.
Before the accident, she once told him, in one of the rare moments when she was feeling sombre, "I know my own family will leave me all alone one day." It was after Kazu Yukihira's burial. There was a strange tone to her voice as she gently traced a picture of her uncle in an almost longingly fashion. Her back was against him. Natsume did not see her face, but her cheeks were wet and flushed.
Natsume hugged her from behind. "I won't leave you," he whispered, his lips against her hair. Mikan grasped his hand tightly, as if afraid of letting him go.
He silently vowed to never leave her alone, never make her feel lonely. And he'll continue honouring that vow. Even if his wife would probably no longer be the same person he knew. He'll repeat it as many times as need be, to remind her that he would always, always be with her.
In autumn, they spent a good deal of time in the house or out at the park.
Mikan, after reading almost all the books in their mini library, had started writing stories again. Granted, since she no longer hold any interest in writing children's books (what with her memories gone, though she still find reading them to be enjoyable), Mikan decided to write a fantasy novel. A story about a young girl from the 21st century Japan getting sent to magical universe with a rather Medieval European setting. The girl, desperate to find a way back home, somehow gets thrown into the fray between the warring kingdoms eager unite all of the kingdoms under one rule. Mikan didn't write any romantic pairings in the novel, but from what Natsume had read, there's a lot of romantic subtext going on. Mikan didn't want to make any official couples in her novel, for she believed that everybody can make out whatever they want of it and she didn't want to disappoint any of the readers if the characters they ship didn't become canon.
Natsume had to snort slightly. Mikan was a romantic and a dreamer at heart, so it really was no surprise that she could come up with such a fantastical story. There is even that small part of her that was such a crowd pleaser hinted in the novel, a part that became evident when she decided not to pair any of her characters. Natsume preferred crime and mystery novels over fantasy, but Natsume had to admit that the story so far is good. Or perhaps, that could be his biased side talking. It was his wife's work after all.
But the mere fact that Mikan had started writing was enough to overwhelm Natsume, for it was her previous occupation before her accident. She had not recovered any of her memories, and yet there are still some traits of her that are so ingrained, even amnesia cannot take it away. The traits that Natsume had so far seen were her desire to never give up, her willingness to please people, her ability to push herself to the limits of her capabilities, and her accepting heart. However, her previous optimistic demeanour had slightly weakened and a more realistic side of her often came out. She was still a dreamer, but she had opted a rather pragmatic and practical view of life. Whenever something bad happened, she did not do anything to change it. She simply took things in stride and make the best of everything.
It was a change from the Mikan he was used to, but Natsume had weeks to prepare for this. Even though Mikan often tried to remember, even Natsume can see that her memories would probably never return. During her medical check-ups, the doctor has determined that there is nothing wrong with her and decided that she was alright. Physically, she was healthy and there seemed to be no further brain damage. The doctor wrote her off with a clean bill of health. But she still can't remember everything from before.
However, it's better to have her here anyway. The accident could have robbed her her life, and yet she's still here with him. Perhaps Natsume was being morbid, but Natsume knew that he was still lucky enough to still have Mikan with him, especially after the head injury she suffered from it. Normally, people would have died from the impact alone, and yet Mikan survived it. He was grateful for that alone.
Another good note that came out was their intimacy with one another. Due to all the time they spent together, Mikan had become quite used to being near him. Before, whenever he was close to her, she would either flinch and blush or turn her head slightly to the side and discretely scoot away from him. Now, they had grown closer with one another and had developed an understanding of each other's behaviour that him being at close proximity with her no longer bothered her. Often, they found themselves standing closer than what they both expected.
One such example was when they were cooking together. When Mikan first started to cook together with him, she had maintained a respectable distance. However, as they grew more comfortable with the routine, the gap between them had slowly closed to the point when they were in the kitchen, they would stand so close their shoulders would occasionally brush against the other.
The occasional hugs and hand holding had grown rather intimate too. Not in a sexual way, of course, but it was enough to indicate that there is something growing between them. He had a very good hunch on what it was, and he could safely say that he did not mind it. Nope, not at all. In fact, he welcomed it, though admittedly, it unnerved him at first.
It somehow felt as though he was falling in love all over again.
Which didn't make sense when he had that epiphany. Mikan was still his wife. She was his lover, his partner in life, his soul mate. How can one person feel as though he was falling in love with the same person twice? He had always been in love with her, for she was still the same person she was no matter what-
Oh. He realized it now. Not for the first time, he was remembered of Mikan's condition.
This Mikan whom he is with now is not the same Mikan he first fell in love with and definitely not the same Mikan he married. Physically, they are the same. But in terms of her personality and character, her traits and oh Kami-sama, it finally dawned on him that this Mikan had grown into a slightly different version of his Mikan. She had become a different person than the Mikan he knew. She was the same, and yet she was different.
That was where he had finally understood that he could never have that Mikan from the past again. That Mikan is gone, if her amnesia is permanent. Instead, in her place was another version of Mikan, a more mature, realistic, solemn version of her.
That didn't mean that he wouldn't fall in love with her all over again.
But that realization left him feeling out of sorts. It was akin to having a very important person in his life leaving without the chance to say goodbye, and that person was replaced with her identical twin, similar yet not quite the same in essence.
Natsume had been lying on his side right next to her in their bed in the morning after he woke up when he had thought up and went over everything so far. Mikan had once again shifted closer to him some time that night. Her head was comfortably placed at the crook of his neck and her arms were loosely wrapped around his waist. Unable to control the slight upturn of his lips, he lazily placed his free hand on her hip. He closed his eyes in bliss as he savoured the warmth emanating from her petite body. It was at times like this that Natsume would just like to stop thinking and just-
"Good morning."
His eyes opened at the greeting, the soft voice slightly rough from sleep. Warm brown eyes met his as an unreadable look graced her face.
"Hmm. Morning," he greeted back.
Her hands slightly shifted from her position as she placed one hand on his chest and the other on his cheek. Natsume couldn't help but lean towards the touch, letting out an almost inaudible sigh as he did.
It was another evidence of how close they had become, another act that was so very intimate, and yet so very innocent as well. Sometimes, Mikan would touch him and he would just let her. Perhaps it was Mikan's way of reacquainting herself with Natsume; Natsume is her husband, yet it would have been logical to think that since her memories of him are gone, so too any feelings she held for him. Natsume wouldn't talk unless necessary and Mikan didn't know him well. It must feel like marrying a man at first sight to her.
Besides, who was he to deny her anything? He also craved her touch, and since Mikan is, by all accounts, a naturally shy person, it was likely that it would be a long time before she would be willing to be more open to his advances. So he would take whatever physical affection he would get from her. He couldn't very well be too hasty or too forward, lest he scare her. The one who will be taking any initiative in this relationship now would be Mikan, not him.
As Mikan gently caressed his cheek, she whispered, "Something is bothering you."
Another ability that Mikan still possessed; her ability to read and see right through him. Natsume wasn't sure whether it would be a blessing or a curse, now that Mikan had become rather unpredictable for him. He can no longer quite read her as well as he used to. She was an open book before, now Natsume wasn't sure.
It took him a while before he could find his voice again. "It's nothing major."
Her face scrunched into a cute frown. "This isn't fair."
"What is?"
"The way you're treating me," she clarified. With a dissatisfied tone, she told him, "You treat me like I'm someone special, and you help me a lot in many things. But when I want to help you or find out what's wrong with you, you wouldn't let me. It's not equivalent exchange. It's not fair for you."
Natsume sighed, this time in exasperation. "I told you, it is fine. There's nothing for you to concern yourself over."
Mikan was silent. The hand that had been absently caressing his cheek slid down to his shoulder. As her fingertips let a trail down his neck, Natsume had to refrain from shuddering in delight at the unconsciously sensuous touch.
"…I thought marriage was between two adults sworn to each other. You have done your part as an honourable husband, always so understanding, always with me. But in my point of view, I haven't done anything for you, anything that a wife is supposed to provide. And worst still, you are not giving me any chance to help you in return." She paused before continuing, in a rather guilty yet honest voice, "I want to be angry at you for that. I feel like I want to scream at you until you finally understand my view. But that would not accomplish anything. So, now, I don't know how to deal with this."
At the thought of letting her do any 'wifely' duties, Natsume's pent up libido kicked things up a notch and his mind went straight into the gutter. So far, Mikan had helped him in household chores and she had never denied him her companionship as well as her voice of reason. About the only thing that she had not provided him is sexual intercourse.
Does she seriously know what she's saying? Does this mean she's willing to engage in… primitive acts with him? Even though she doesn't remember anything about him?
"So you want to fulfil your responsibilities as my wife?" he asked, disbelief lacing his tone. Even more surreal is when she nodded earnestly. "Yes."
"Do you even realize what you're saying?"
She tilted her head. "What's wrong with a wife wanting to do her role?"
Natsume swallowed. "You want to do everything?"
"Yes."
"You want to aid me?"
"Yes."
"You want to honour this marriage."
"Yes! Yes, of course I do."
"…are you willing to sleep with me?"
The moment Natsume let out those words, Mikan became as stiff as a rock from the shock. Then, predictably, her cheeks flushed red from embarrassment. Her pink lips trembled slightly, and Natsume could feel her heart beat rapidly.
I knew it, Natsume thought. She really wasn't ready. Natsume admitted to feeling disappointed, but he was expecting it. Just as Natsume was about to start teasing her, Mikan moved closer to him. Natsume remembered her doe eyes glittering with determination. Then, he could feel a very pleasant warmth on his mouth, a soft pressure pressing against them.
Natsume's mind was reeling from shock. She was kissing him. She was actually kissing him!
His heart rejoiced, his mind practically screaming in glee at her bold move, something that he never would have thought Mikan would do. A sweet, undefinable taste filled his mouth as Mikan deepened the kiss. Her hands tightly fisted his shirt in their small grasp. Before he could do anything, Mikan retreated, her expression one of deep shame. Her body shrank as she started to draw back into the comfort of the pillows and blankets.
Oh no, like hell would he actually let her retreat back. She started it, she might as well take responsibilities for it.
He gathered her in his arms, effectively cutting off any escape routes she might have in mind. His head bent down as he closed his lips around hers. Her gasp offered little protection against the sudden assault as he plundered her mouth, deepening the kiss.
Kami-sama, he missed this so much. He missed kissing her, he missed holding her, he missed feasting on her bare skin, he missed having her writhe underneath him in pleasure.
Damn it, he missed it so much. Having to reign himself in everyday for more than half a year, not doing anything while having the woman he loved so close to him, with no outlet for all his pent up frustrations- there's only so much control he had over himself. And she had just destroyed any chains of restraint he held with that one move.
He's too far gone now.
Mikan could only hold tightly onto his shoulders in mindless abandon as Natsume hungrily kissed her. She tried to keep up and responded as much as she could and Natsume's heart crowed in delight. He revelled in the fact that her body trembled uncontrollably due to sudden onslaught of pleasure from his actions. It's been so long, so very, very long.
As the need to breathe grew more urgent, he broke the kiss. Mikan gasped for air, her chest heaving rather alluringly. Her lips were swollen and they were no longer a soft pink. Her cheeks flushed, her awareness slowly regained as she stared back up at him. Natsume could see realization in her eyes, and once again, determination.
Mikan's hands slowly went to his shirt and she started unbuttoning. Natsume covered her hands with his, stopping her from unbuttoning any further.
In that moment, she knew what he wanted from her, and she was going to give it. Natsume wouldn't refuse her, oh of course he wouldn't, he would be the biggest idiot in the history of mankind if he would, but he needed to make sure Mikan was sure of her decision. He didn't want her regretting any of her actions.
"I want you to come to me willingly and when you love me. If you're doing this because this is your obligation as my wife, don't."
At that, Mikan gave him a smile. A smile that immediately stopped his brain from working, because it was the one smile that held so much emotion, the one smile he had yet to see grace her face after amnesia, the one smile he was looking forward to seeing, the smile that had captured and enslaved his heart before.
The one smile she reserved just for him.
"I'm not doing this out of obligation," she admitted. "I'm doing this because I want to, because you have stayed by my side even though you could leave anytime, because you gave me hope when I was in doubt, because you are the most important person in my life right now, because you made me fall for you all over again."
This must be a dream, Natsume thought, stunned. It must be, for only something as miraculous as this could happen in dreams. Yes, that must be it. He probably hasn't woken up yet. Mikan couldn't possibly have said what Natsume heard her say, it's just-
"I want to do this with you because I love you, Natsume."
-just too good to be true.
His vision blurred and heat accumulated around his eyes and Natsume realized, to his consternation, that he was crying. Crying because he was so happy, because even though Mikan no longer remembered him, she still fell for him. Crying because Mikan said she loved him, crying because all of this is too good to be true, crying because of the happiness he felt in his chest bursting forth it almost hurts, crying because its too cruel if this is a dream please please let this not be a dream-
Mikan wiped his tears with gentle hands, and oh this touch felt so real (its not a dream not a dream), and Natsume noticed her eyes were also gleaming with tears, her beautiful smile never faltering.
"I love you, Natsume."
With that, Natsume knew that his wish came true. Happiness filled him to the brim and he finally smiled back at her, a real smile, a smile that lit up his face beautifully, lovingly and wholeheartedly as he hugged her tight, Mikan repeating the words in his ear over and over again: I love you, I love you, I love you.
Life continues.
Mikan still had trouble reconnecting with people, but she's getting better. She had grown closer to his family and her efforts to be friends again with Imai were well on their way. Imai still feel a bit awkward about the slightly different personality Mikan has now, but she took matters in stride and went along with it. Mikan was very happy that she managed to be friends again with her dear childhood friend. She took Imai's newfound friendship with her seriously and it's quite clear that Mikan adores her.
She had started writing new stories again too. After her success with her first fantasy novel, Mikan had continued writing more stories of adventure and magic. It had gotten to the point where Natsume, feeling rather competitive, managed to write two more best –selling novels that gained international acclaim. He supposed he went a bit overboard, but Mikan's infectious spirit gets to him often.
On a happier note, Mikan is now pregnant with their first child. Ever since that morning when Mikan finally confessed to him, he was now free to do what he had always wanted, something Mikan had indulged him in almost every night. The result of all the nightly escapades they engaged in resulted Mikan to be with child. They were not in a hurry to have children, but nevertheless this was a happy occasion. Mikan was ecstatic when she found out, Natsume doubly so after he managed to get over his initial shock.
Looking back, it was to be expected wasn't it? Both of them were fairly young, only in their twenties, but it had totally slipped Natsume's mind. All he cared about was the beautiful woman he had in his arms.
Mikan may not be the same person she once was anymore, for there really is no indication that her memories would ever return. It frustrated Mikan to no end, but Natsume's fine with it. After all, in place of the memories she had lost were new memories formed after her amnesia, memories that had been gained through everything they had been through and their efforts to gain back what was lost. They were good memories too and Mikan was not severely affected in a negative way. Natsume was very thankful for that.
In his opinion, it was not the same perfect life Natsume had before, but this life is also perfect in its own way too. And for Natsume, that is enough.
A.N. : Cliché sappy end is sappy. But I love my sappy endings as much as I love my tragic ones.
Thank you for those who read this silly monstrosity of a one shot. I guess a lot of people were expecting Mikan's memory to return, or at least parts of her memory, but that is too overdone for me. I bet a lot of writers had already pulled that stunt.
Nevertheless, it was a fun ride. I hope you guys had fun reading this as much as I had fun writing it.
Reviews are appreciated and criticisms are welcomed.
Until next time.
P.S.: Those who are waiting for me to update Songs and Flowers will have to be patient. It's well underway, and at the rate it's going, I might be able to reach the deadline after all. Yaaay.