Who's That Man?, a psych fanfic

A songfic I wrote about a subject very close to my own heart. The song used is Toby Keith's Who's That Man? There are overtones of both Shules and Lassiet, so if you don't like that, this story may not be for you. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Not mine!

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Autumn really was a beautiful time of the year.

Shawn Spencer briefly admired the changing colors of the leaves on the trees as he drove past them. He had missed this place. He slowed his truck down as memories began to assault him, some good and some heartbreaking.

He reached a familiar hotel, one that he remembered all too well. It hadn't changed at all since the last time that he'd seen it. A long time ago, this was the street that he took to get home.

Home. That was a word he had avoided for almost five years. The meaning of the word for him and the memories that accompanied it still had the power to bring him to his knees.

Breathing deeply, he made a left turn. The road beneath his wheels was much smoother than he remembered. Someone probably complained enough, and the state finally fixed it. He remembered how his wife had hated it.

His wife.

The truck moved slower and slower as he drove down the street. He hadn't been here in almost five years, but he remembered every inch of the street, of the whole damn town.

He just wasn't sure he was welcome here anymore.

Turn left at the old hotel

I know this boulevard much too well

It hasn't changed since I've been gone

This used to be my way home

They paved the road through the neighborhood

I guess the county finally fixed it good

It was getting rough

Someone finally complained enough

Tears suddenly sprang unbidden to his hazel eyes, and he stubbornly wiped them away. He had no right to be upset. It was his own damn fault.

He parked a safe distance away from the familiar house and turned the engine off as the memories washed over him. Five years ago, he had had everything he'd ever wanted. A wife, two beautiful children, a home of their own…even the dog that his dad had denied him when he was a kid. He'd had it all.

Then he screwed everything up and lost it all, and it was all his fault.

"Shawn, you're overreacting," Juliet insisted, her arms crossed over her chest and her beautiful mouth drawn in a harsh frown.

"Overreacting? I think I'm underreacting!"

"You don't even know what happened! All you have are your psychic guesses!" She held her hands up, frustrated.

"Oh, come on, Juliet! We both know that's a load of shit!" His expression was challenging, angry, and just a little frightened, all at once.

She stared at him, her luminous cerulean eyes wide with confusion and anger. "I knew it," she finally whispered.

"Obviously not."

Shaking subtly, Juliet pointed at the door. "I want you out, Shawn. Now."

"Great." He turned and stalked toward the door, not noticing the two children sitting at the top of the stairs who had witnessed the entire scene. He walked through the door, slamming it hard behind himself.

He opened his hazel eyes as another wave of anger at himself hit him. When he walked out the door, their relationship was over. He didn't even try to fight for them. Instead he had gotten on his bike and disappeared for a full year. He didn't even keep in contact with his father or Gus. He just left.

When he came back, the divorce papers were waiting for him. He hired a lawyer at his father's suggestion, and he only saw Juliet once. She had told him that the kids were finally adjusting, and she didn't want to upset them.

With his head down, he had agreed, because Juliet seemed to know exactly what was right for their children. And who was he to argue with her? He had left for an entire year and didn't even bother to call or send a postcard. Of course Juliet wanted to protect them from that.

He didn't blame her it all. In fact, he was grateful. She wanted what was best for them, and he had no right interfering with that, even if he did miss them. With time, maybe he could regain their trust. Maybe.

But what right did he have to even hope that, let alone ask?

Fight the tears back with a smile

Stop and look for a little while

Oh, it's plain to see

The only thing missing is me

Leaning forward in his seat, he rested his arms on the steering wheel and studied the place that he used to call home. There was a tree by the fence. He had planted it a couple of months after they moved into the house. When Juliet asked him about it, he had declared that their children needed a tree to climb and something to attach a tire swing to.

She had looked at him with such adoration, such love…

He sniffled. Just two months after he planted the tree, Juliet had told him that she was pregnant. Michael Shawn Spencer had been just as stubborn as his father, and the pregnancy was hard on Juliet. After Mikey was born, Shawn had been reluctant to try for any more children, but he knew that Juliet wanted a little girl. And the truth was, he wanted one, too.

Not long after Michael's third birthday, they found out Juliet was pregnant again. Shawn had been a wreck, but unlike with her first pregnancy, Juliet had been the picture of health and energy. Much to Shawn's frustration, she worked until just a few days before giving birth. When she was pregnant with Michael, she had been forced to take leave at just five months along.

Two days after her expected due date, Annabella Carly Spencer arrived in the early afternoon. Juliet's labor had been much shorter and less complicated, and a day later they were all home, one happy healthy family.

Now that seemed like a lifetime ago.

Shawn lifted his head when Juliet stepped out of the house. She looked radiant and happy, the picture of contentment. Behind her, Annabella and Michael followed, and Shawn felt his eyes mist up all over again. His baby girl had gotten so big, and her blond hair was almost to her waist. Michael was much taller, a young man, and Shawn saw a frightening amount of himself in his son. But he had his mother's eyes and her smile.

A man followed them out of the house, carrying a bag of charcoal and plate of meat. Shawn felt the pressure on his heart intensify when he finally recognized the man with his family.

That's my house and that's my car

That's my dog in my back yard

There's the window to the room

Where she lays her pretty head

I planted that tree out by the fence

Not long after we moved in

There's my kids and that's my wife

But who's that man running my life?

Annabella snuck up behind her brother and jumped on his back, knocking both of them to the ground. Juliet laughed while the man beside her set his things down, then knelt down in the grass with the children.

He knew that he had no right to be angry, and he wanted Juliet to be happy. He really did. But the thought of Carlton Lassiter raising his children…

Shawn sighed, shaking his head. He was in a hell of his own making. He hadn't fought for his marriage, and he had committed the worst crime by abandoning his children. He had left them alone, and of course Juliet had moved on.

His finger ran lightly over the key that was still in the ignition, overwhelmed by the desire to hold his kids in his arms. His dad had told him that both of the children were well-adjusted and thriving, and it broke Shawn's heart to know that his father was more involved in their lives than he was. Of course he was. Shawn had put his kids through hell. He wasn't going to disturb them.

He watched as Lassiter picked up Annabella and tossed her in the air, catching her fearlessly and bringing her back to his chest while she laughed. Shawn remembered doing that when she was just a little baby and laughing when Juliet worried.

His eyes strayed to Mikey, who was leaning against his mother and watching his sister intently. That was one thing Shawn had to be grateful for. Even though he had a rough exterior, Carlton Lassiter was a good man, and he would teach Michael to be a good man, too.

But Shawn found himself wishing that he hadn't screwed it all up, and that he was the one teaching Mikey to be a man.

How could he have left him like that?

If I pulled in, would it cause a scene?

They're not really expecting me

Those kids have been through hell

I hear they've adjusted well

After a while, Shawn finally turned the key in the ignition and pulled his old truck into a neighbor's driveway. He knew they wouldn't recognize him; he'd sold his bike not long after he had returned to Santa Barbara, after the last time he'd seen Juliet.

From his new position, he could see them up close, and he saw the matching wedding rings on Juliet's and Lassiter's hands. He watched them kiss, then Lassiter lifted Annabella into his arms again and kissed her while she squealed and laughed delightedly.

His kids were happy, and Juliet was happy. That was all that really counted.

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the gold band that Juliet had placed on his finger years ago. He had held onto it all this time not because he wanted her back; he did, but he had messed everything up so badly he was sure it could never be repaired. No, he held onto the ring to remind him of all that he had lost, all that he'd once had.

He hadn't deserved any of it.

Turn around in the neighbor's drive

I'd be hard to recognize

In this pickup truck

It's just an old fixer-up

With a sigh, he dropped the ring back into his pocket, deep out of sight. Then finally pulled out of the neighbor's drive and headed back down the street, away from the life he'd once shared with Juliet.

As he drove away again, it was almost like history repeating itself, except this time he wasn't angry or blind to what he was leaving behind. This time, he knew exactly what he was leaving behind.

He reached the hotel again and turned back the way he'd came, but he did so with great reluctance. He had no right to miss them, no right wanting to turn around and beg their forgiveness.

So he continued to drive, well-aware that he was leaving his heart behind with them.

Drive away one more time

Lot of things running through my mind

I guess the less things change

The more they never seem the same

A half-hour later, on the other side of town, Shawn pulled over in a deserted parking lot and pulled out his phone. Then he slowly dialed his father's number.

The conversation was short, and when it was over, Shawn tossed his phone onto the passenger's seat. Then he rested his head against the steering wheel. He had known that Juliet had remarried, and his father had confirmed everything that he had thought. Carlton Lassiter was raising his children as his own, and he worshipped the ground that Juliet walked on.

Much like Shawn used to, and in some ways, still did.

His dad had urged him to call Juliet, to get back into the lives of his children before it was too late. Shawn was worried that it was already too late. He had burned a lot of bridges, and maybe they were better off with their mother and Lassiter.

But at the same time, he wanted to know his kids. It was entirely selfish, and Juliet had every right to refuse him. He wouldn't blame her if she did.

His hand slowly reached over, closing around his phone. He brought it back up to his face, studying it for a long time before trembling fingertips slowly dialed. Then he put the phone against his ear, exhaling shakily.

"Juliet? It's… it's Shawn. Hey…"