I feel like a little kid. Like a little kid who thinks he's man of the house because he learned to piss by himself. Like, remember when you were a little kid, and you would do something like win a contest at school and your parents would take you out to McDonald's? That's exactly what's happening to me. Except replace my parents with Perry, and replace the school contest with me not getting hurt while solving our cases in a while, and also, Perry's not drinking heavily and swearing like one of my parents inevitably would on our family gatherings (true Kodak moments, those were).

Of course, Perry's gay, so I'm surprised he agreed to take me out to McDonald's.

"Where do you want to go out to dinner later?"

"You're letting me choose?"

"Yeah, since you've been such a good little… whatever it is you are lately. I am actually having trouble remembering exactly which case was the last that you got hurt on and how you got hurt."

It didn't even take me three seconds. "Randall case. I went into the house because you wanted me to get a tape we forgot, and her husband was there and thought I was breaking in and took a bat to my knees."

He actually laughed at the memory. Didn't even try to cover it up or anything… "Alright. Where do you want to go?"

"I haven't had a Big Mac in a while."

"Are you kidding?"

"No."

"Instead of letting that lard kill you slowly by making you fat and hideous over the years, why don't you just let me shoot you now?"

"I don't get a McFlurry if you do that."

"You're not getting a McFlurry anyway."

"…Aw."

And then when we finally did get there, he went back to being all strict and mean, like usual.

"So what the fuck are you getting anyway?"

"Wait, I need to read the menu first! Pull up a little further."

"Idiot, no one ever had to read the menu at McDonald's. They've got burgers and fries. And some chicken sandwiches."

"And something fish too, don't forget that."

"What? Now they've got fish?" His upper lip curled up in this really nasty way. "Fucking grotesque."

"Pull up further. Please."

He huffed and pulled it up a few feet further, all begrudgingly and stuff, like I had asked him to run over a puppy on the way. "Happy?"

"No, the menu's on your side!"

"Tough shit!"

"Can you tell me what's on it?"

He didn't even look at it. "Burgers, fries, more burgers, more fries, soda, chicken, hideous fish. More chicken. They've got a fuckload of chicken shit these days. Not actual chickenshit, but you know what I mean."

"Just tell me what's on the menu? Or… so help me I'll…" I tried my best threatening glare (I practiced it in the shower). I even narrowed my eyes and everything.

He smiled as he asked, "You'll what?"

I unbuckled my seatbelt and launched myself across his lap.

He didn't seem freaked out, just annoyed and kind of pissed. "Get the hell off my lap."

The little speaker made a really ugly scratching noise, then said, "Hello, may I take your order?"

"Yes, I'll have a four piece order of the chicken wings-"

"WHAT, you're not even getting a Big Mac you little shit!!" He wriggled like giant Perry-worm.

"A medium fries and a medium Dr. Pepper. Perry, what would you like?" I tried to ask him in such a civil manner that he would temporarily forget that my torso was on his legs, my shoes were up against one window, and my head was sticking out the other.

It kind of worked (amazingly!) because he said, "Uhhh… nothing. Thanks."

"What?! Nothing? Starving yourself? You're a manorexic."

"More like not poisoning myself, asshole. Are you done so you can get off my lap?"

"Can't I please get a McFlurry?"

"FINE, if it will make you get your ass up!"

"And an M&M McFlurry, ma'am."

"Make it two, and make one Oreo!" Perry added before jerking the car forward. He shouldn't have done that, because it made my shoulder hit the horn. Perry growled at me like a giant Perry-dog. "Get the hell UP."

"I'm getting! I'm getting! Shit!" I sat back in my seat.

Then we came to an awkward pause because the SUV in front of us was at the next window.

I was content with just sort of sitting and tapping my fingers to some song I had stuck in my head, but I couldn't help thinking about some things that were repeatedly crossing my mind due to my being on his lap.

"You got a McFlurry."

"Indeed."

"I thought you didn't want anything."

"I like McFlurries. A bit too much. That's why I didn't want you to get one. If you asked for one, I'd have to ask for one, now I'll be eating them like every day for a week. Bitch."

"So when I was on your lap-"

"Like when I almost killed you two minutes ago? How could I forget?" He sighed and drove the car up when that slow-as-shit SUV finally moved forward.

"Is that when you decided you really wanted McFlurry? Like, creamy and white? A McFlurry, you know?" I couldn't help but giggle (but men don't really giggle, for the record. That would be queer.)

He paid the person and then pulled up to the next window. "Harry, I bet you think you're a reeeaaalll comedian right about now. Really clever, Harry, really clever."

I shrugged and smiled, now trying to do the innocent act as he practically threw the warm bag of food at me (maybe I could even be somewhat adorable).

"And now you're trying to do the innocent little cutesy act."

Whoa, that was weird!! It actually made me choke on a fry a bit (a rather painful experience). To stop the painful choking, I started on my McFlurry (ha ha ha…) "This is really good."

He didn't reply. He had been busy driving, but we came to a red light, so he took a spoon to his like he was a starving little Ethiopian child.

I snickered. "Do you want to… try my McFlurry?"

"Yes. And shut the fuck up."