It was just another day at the office, the bullpen should have been renamed "the playpen", because Tony was being particularly annoying, flicking paper bullets with a ruler, or making paper aeroplanes. Ziva had decided she really should clear out her rucksack, I mean how many paper tissues does one need to have lurking? Tim, he was trying to find out something on the internet because he had had a strange dream and was looking for some place called Loch Nagar, which if Ducky had been there, would have told him that it wasn't a Loch but a mountain, called Beinn Chìochan.
"Hey Tony stop that, that one hurt," as Tim held his ear.
"Sorry McMoany, but what is so interesting in your space by the wall?" Tony sneered sarcastically.
"If you must know I had a strange dream last night and have decided that I will write a children's book," Tim answered now looking up and smiling.
"Well as long as we don't appear in it as Elf-lords or gnomes or…" but Tony didn't finish as Abby ran into the bullpen flapping her arms about.
"Where's Gibbs, we need Gibbs, oh Tony, it is awful I was talking to Ducky over the camera phone when he suddenly went a strange colour and keeled over." As she now saw Gibbs stride down the stairs from MTAC.
"Gibbs, Gibbs, Ducky's collapsed….Jimmy is there with him and we dialled 911, but we need you," as she grabbed Jethro's hand and started to pull him to the elevator.
"Hey slow down," as they now entered, and the door shut, they just caught sight of the team race to the stairs.
WEE
Abby and Gibbs ran into autopsy closely followed by the team and finally by the paramedics, only to find Ducky in the "W" position, his feet on the floor and his legs to his chin, back against the wall.
"Mr Palmer, please do not fuss, I am perfectly fine, I just came over a little faint, I forgot to have my porridge this morning. I had the most chronic indigestion during the night, which will serve me right for eating cheese and gherkins last thing. Now gentlemen," as he looked at the paramedics, "I was a GP in Blighty, and in the R.A.M.C., before I decided that Post Mortems were more interesting than treating some auld biddy, for something she had read in the Sunday Post", Dr Mallard now replied indignantly, as he offered his hand to Gibbs who pulled Ducky to his feet. Gibbs just looked at his old friend and wondered, "And I know what a heart attack looks like, and mine was not. So I am sorry to have bothered you good gentlemen," as he looked at the medics, "I hope I have not killed a true urgent case."
"As long as you think you are fine, but I would suggest a visit to a cardiac doctor, Sir," the senior medic said as they left the room.
Gibbs helped Ducky to his feet, as Abby pushed the chair into the back of Duckman's legs, "Hey Abbs watch what you're doing you almost did give Ducky a heart attack," Tony shouted.
"Sorry, but he must take it easy, he should relax, I mean you aren't getting any younger," she smiled.
"ABBY" they all shouted.
"Abigail means well Anthony, but yes I do feel slightly weak now. I am still unpacking boxes of mothers', and still giving some items away. But when I do find something she has kept, it makes me a little homesick for Scotland."
"I think you should go home Ducky, it is the weekend, relax we'll pop over and help you either put things away or give away, and if you don't mind I think you should have company just in case you take another funny turn, so I'll drive you home since I am the only one here who can drive a shift stick, Tony can follow in a pool car," Gibbs finished saying.
"But,…there is no need," as Ducky now stood and staggered slightly only to be caught by Tim.
"No Ducky, I will stay the evening I want to ask you a few questions on your homeland anyway," Tim now replied, "I am thinking of writing a children's book and need to run it by you if I may? So I will come over when I finish here, if that is ok?" as Tim now looked at Gibbs, who nodded.
The team now looked at Tim and then each other, Tony went to say something only to get an elbow in the ribs by Ziva, "I hope Agent McGregor will not be making an appearance?" she questioned, "McGregor being a Scottish name."
"No I have learnt my lesson on changing your names, although it was only a little change, a little lie," Tim answered sheepishly, as he now helped Ducky on with his jacket, and the team made their way out of autopsy to the parking lot.
Chapter 2
Tim duly arrived at Ducky's new apartment, he was wondering if he was doing the right thing. No, this was something he needed to get out his system, so he chapped the door smiling, Tim knew that in Scotland a "chap at the door" either meant a man or a knock, and of course he was both.
"Come in Timothy," Ducky ushered as the door swung open, "Here let me take your bag, I see you nipped home for some things."
"No it is ok, and actually Ducky, I am a Boy Scout so am prepared, I actually do carry, in my trunk, a light holdall for emergencies…..you know when Gibbs shouts "grab your gear, you're going to Arizona" that sort of thing."
"Quite, so if you want to sling your hook in that room over there and refresh I'll see you in a moment or two in the lounge," as Ducky pointed to a door at the bottom of the corridor.
Tim thanked Ducky and went to his room, changed into something more casual and went to find the lounge, as he opened the door he saw Dr Mallard looking through boxes trying to sort, so he went to help. Tim had insisted that Ducky didn't do anything, but when it had come to eating Tim was at a loss.
"Timothy, in the freezer you will find a beef stroganoff, there is some wild rice in the cupboard if you could steam up and I have a very pleasant Cadaretta, a Washington Columbia Valley Syrah,…2007,it isfull-bodied and satisfyingly rich, this wine has a deep, dark character, or there is the Seven Hills, Columbia Valley 2007 Merlot, it has more focus and has tighter tannins than many contemporary Merlots, but this wine impressed me with its depth of flavour, plumy fruit, but it also echoes of dark chocolate and savoury spice, it was also slightly less expensive than the first, but then you decide."
"Dr Mallard, both those wines are outside my price range but I will go with the second," Tim replied smiling, "So we eat when?"
"I usually eat about 7.00 ish,"came the reply.
WEE
After the pair had eaten, and Tim had been shown how to stack the dishwasher, the silver cutlery washed and dried by hand, Ducky and Tim proceeded to the lounge. Tim looked about; the room was so much smaller than what Dr Mallard had been used to, but adequately furnished. A recliner now placed beside the living flame gas fire, a settee with cushions scattered along the back, Tim wondered if Ducky ever did a Gibbs and sleep on the couch or on the recliner, now spotting a tartan rug folded neatly beside the chair, he knew the answer.
"Now Timothy, if you could perhaps pour us a nightcap, I would like to hear your story, or should I say you regale me of your tale of home."
Tim poured a whisky for Ducky but asked if he could have the wine.
"Dr Mallard, but this isn't going to be a story similar to the "Old man of Lochnagar" by Prince Charles the future King of England." Tim replied, "Which I have googled, and know quite well, that Lochnagar is in fact a mountain."
"Technically, Timothy, the English name is a misunderstanding, being named after Lochan na Gaire, the 'little loch of the noisy sound', a loch can be found in the mountain's northeast corrie. Today the lochan is popularly called Lochnagar too. The summit itself is usually referred to as Cac Càrn Beag, meaning "small cairn of faeces."
"Quite Dr Mallard but….." as Tim started to talk.
"And Timothy, may I just say again, you are again wrong, Prince Charles will be the future King of the United Kingdom, but yes, the way Scottish politics is going you may very well be correct, I mean the referendum on Scottish Independence will be held on Thursday 18 September 2014. But I digress, please excuse my interruptions," Ducky answered.
"Are you snuggled down Ducky then I will begin my tale?" Tim asked as he smiled at Ducky on his recliner, the tartan rug round his knees, and the Macallan sitting on the table by his side.
"I am quite relaxed, so yes begin," Ducky now answered waving his hand at Tim.
WEE
"It all began many moons ago, when the world was young and there were many mystical creatures roaming a far and distant land. This was a land where there were no Counties, but Shires," Tim began to narrate.
"Shires….I hope you are not going all Hobbity on me," Ducky shouted.
"No Dr Mallard, these Shires were introduced if you remember, in the 12th century. The office of sheriff was introduced by Malcolm the third, and the areas under the jurisdiction of the sheriffs became the shires. But I so do like the word Shire."
"Oh yes Malcolm Canmore, Malcolm Big Head, you realise that he was so called because, either literally he had a big head or in reference to his leadership," Ducky added wagging a finger.
"Quite but one of these Shires was really a Kingdom, it was a kingdom of a tattooed people and the King of the Kingdom was called Fib," Tim continued, "Fib was actually one of the seven sons of Cruithne, a Pictish King who divided up his own Kingdom of Alba."
Tim looked at Ducky waiting for an interruption but none came, so Tim continued, "Anyway Ducky, going back to my story, there were 3 ways to get into this Kingdom of Fib, one was across an expanse of water called the Tay, another across the Forth, this being dangerous as the Island of Inchgarvie was inhabited by the ferrymen, and you had to pay the ferryman to cross, and sometime they only took you half way and you had to pay again…"
"That would be Captain Fibbs then, "Ducky laughed, the wine and whisky beginning to react, but he saw the dead eye Tim gave him and said, "Sorry I couldn't resist but please carry on."
"Thank you Ducky, and the third was along the Hillfoots. These hills are also known as the Ochils, and although they bordered Fib, they belonged to the Shire of Clackmannan, but that didn't stop the bandits of Fib taking a toll, at the villages of Muckart and Dollar, so even in times of yore you still had a place to pay," Tim now smiled, "And of course we all know the Scottish Robin Hood, Rob Roy McGregor."
"Timothy, Ziva said you were not to mention McGregor, but then again you were not going to mention that Rob Roy lived in Glen Shira were you?" Ducky asked smiling and shaking his head.
"Dr Mallard," Tim began to laugh, "Would I do such a thing? But now I digress from my story." As he rose to check that Ducky's glass was fine, and the blanket was keeping him warm.
"So where was I, oh yes bandit country, but within the confines of Fib, there were the painted people, they adorned their bodies with designs and lived around Lindores Loch, particularly a place called Ab-die," Tim continued now smiling, "The village elder was a woman called Coblaith, and why were woman all Elders?" Tim now asked as he looked at Ducky, "Because usually the men went off to hunt and fight and so you never knew if they were coming home, so women took the main roles," as he saw Dr Mallard nod.
"But this was a friendly kingdom, and in this Loch there lived a creature, a long slinky creature," Tim continued, the wine now also making him relax. "It wasn't an evil animal, it was more like a glow worm, and when it moved or swam, it had the movements of the heavenly dancers, which as you know are the Northern Lights or Aurora Borealis. The painted people worshipped the dancers, the blues, greens and purples, hence the colours of their tattoos and of their plaid," Tim continued to relate, "But they didn't keep written words, they kept stories on standing stones, these standing stones were the information centre of the Kingdom." Tim watched as Ducky nodded replying, "Yes so true."
"Sorry Timothy I was thinking, I know this is your story, but you maybe didn't know, to the north of Fife, sorry Fib, there is a hill, that when you stand looking towards Fib it almost looks like a man lying down looking at the sky, in fact Benarty Hill is called "The Sleeping Giant" you could incorporate that."
"Dr Mallard that would be a good idea, I could make it out that some wicked witch turned the good giant into the hill and when in time of trouble, he could awake and help save the Kingdom," Tim answered smiling at Ducky, who now too was smiling and nodding, "But going back to my glow worm, it had cousins in the form of giant seahorses. These could be found at West Weymss and hey Dr Mallard I could use them as transport for the giants or at least the Pixies to surf the Forth," Tim exclaimed as he saw Ducky drain his glass and offer to Tim for a refill. "Is that wise Dr Mallard?"
"Timothy it is Friday night, I have no intention of retiring at present, and since you seem to have finished the wine, and your car is outside my door, I suggest that you pour me another whisky and you may open another bottle of wine, so please," as he shook the empty glass at Tim and laughed. Tim rose and went to replenish Ducky's glass and fill his own. He returned, made sure Dr Mallard was comfortable and then returning, to his own seat, sipping the wine, he continued.
WEE
"Right now, where was I Ducky?" Tim asked.
"We had got to the part of the giant seahorses in the Forth," Ducky replied.
"Oh yes, so the giants or maybe the Pixies surfed their way across the waves to a place called the Seven Hills, which were inhabited by a people called Votadini."
"Very good Timothy, I am impressed so far with the connection, but can you name the seven hills?" Dr Mallard now enquired.
"I have to admit I have forgotten them, but you will enlighten me won't you?" Tim now asked.
"Of course, the Seven Hills are, the Castle Rock, Carlton Hill, Arthurs Seat, Blackford Hill, Braids Hill, Craiglockhart Hill and finally Corstorphine Hill, out by the Zoo. They are, as you know, the remains of Volcanoes and the Castle is a Volcanic plug," Ducky replied, "And as are you are also probably aware, the Bass Rock and the Law in North Berwick are also plugs of extinct volcanoes which dotted across the Central Belt."
"I know…so are the Lomond Hills or Paps of Fib," Tim continued, "These Paps, also had hillforts, always good for looking out for…."
"Bandits Timothy…..and what if," as Ducky began to say, having had a little too much of the water of life, "You were to take the plugs out the Forth, then all the water would go down the plug holes, and they could walk across the land."
"Very funny Ducky, but I think you have had enough for tonight, and I too am getting slightly slurred and the mind befuddled, and I need to think how to incorporate Tony into the story," Tim concluded with a sly smile, "But I have an idea. So Dr Mallard if you don't mind, I think I'll call it a night if you don't mind?"
"No I don't mind and I am quite content to rest here, so I bid you goodnight Timothy," as he pulled the blanket over his knees and set the recliner to recline.
Tim watched as Ducky slipped into a peaceful sleep before rising and going to his room.
Chapter 3
Tim woke the next morning, his mouth was dry and his head ached slightly. Where was he? But then hearing the music coming from no-where and a man singing, Loch Lomond, particularly the last chorus…Runrig. Oh no, had he made a fool of himself, it now began to seem such a bad idea to write a children's book, maybe it should be left to someone-else. Tim rose, dressed and went to find Ducky, he would shower later.
"Ah Timothy, good to see you, I trust you slept well. Porridge?" Ducky asked holding up the spurtle, "Good for your cholesterol and for lining the stomach." Tim felt himself nod.
"Dr Mallard, I didn't make a fool of myself last night, did I?"
"No my boy, you were doing extremely well, we were just surfing across the Forth to Votadini land when….," as Ducky demonstrated the surfing.
"When, you pulled the plug, so to speak," Tim began to laughing.
"Now, you wished to include Anthony in your story did you not?" as Ducky watched Tim eat and nod, "Then I think I have an idea, if you don't mind some input into your story?" as Tim shook his head. "Good we were talking the Seven Hills of Edinburgh, tell me, where else is built on Seven Hills?"
"Lynchburg and Richmond, both Virginia and….." Tim began to say.
"I was thinking of more in ancient times….in Europe?" Ducky interrupted.
"Oh…Rome."
"Yes and the Romans came to Scotland and built a wall called?"
"Hadrian's, but what has that got to do with Tony?" Tim queried finishing the porridge.
"Toast?" Ducky asked, "No there is another wall called the Antonine Wall, it started at the Seven Hills on the Forth and spread along the Forth to the Clyde. It was built to keep out the Venicones and the Verturiones, although popular opinion says they were the same, but the Romans being the Romans…"
"Dr Mallard, Venicones….Veni…I came, and the Vert from the Latin viridis or French vert, the green people, they came to visit," Tim began to say, "And…..I could make them the Green Men, that mythology is always mentioning. And this Antonine Wall will keep out the Plebs. Oh Dr Mallard, you are brilliant, I need to write all this down before I forget," as Tim rose and hurried to find pen and paper.
"Timothy," Ducky shouted, "I have them handy here," now watching Tim return, "I hope Timothy you don't think I have taken over your story?"
"Never Dr Mallard, I would never have come up with the ideas you have given me, I just hope you enjoyed too."
The rest of the morning was spent writing and revising. Tim began to realise that Ducky had not really been that drunk last night as he had made out.
"Ducky, you were sometimes winding me up weren't you?" Tim now asked in all seriousness.
"Oh yes, but I did find it invigorating, remembering, visualising my homeland from an outsiders eyes, my Capital, and of course, The Kingdom."
"Ducky, will the Kingdom ever disappear?" Tim now enquired.
"Timothy, I do so hope not, but many years ago, 1994 to be exact, the then Conservative Government passed the Local Government etc. (Scotland) Act 1994, the Government's Lord Wheatley's recommendation had been to split Fife between Lothian and Tayside, at a regional level of service. But the Fifers were far too canny in the first place to confuse a proud sense of identity, with the Kingdom of Fife, than with the changing necessities of local government, whatever those would have entailed."
"So the Kingdom stayed intact?"
"Oh yes but the three District Councils died."
"Ducky, does the Kingdom have any special features?" Tim now asked of the learned Doctor.
"Timothy, have you ever looked properly at Fib, the Kingdom of Fife, through the eyes of a child? See," as Ducky went to his bookcase and produced an atlas, opening at Scotland, "Look, tell me what you see, as a child might?"
"Dr Mallard…it's a dog…a Scottie dog, look the ear, and the nose and the chin," as Tim pointed to the map, "Oh Ducky, the Kingdom is special."
Epilogue
Six months later and the book "Land of Fib" by Thom E Gemcity, hit the book-stands. Tim had found a young talented art student, who had willing drawn, and added the pictures to the book, albeit for dinner and a couple of signed copies of the book.
As Tim waited for the doors of his book signing to open, he could hear Ducky's words "Aye laddie, a' kent fine weel you'd come up wi' a winner," as he looked at the now lengthening queue.
WEE
But as he exited the elevator on the Monday after release, there was an eerie silence round the bullpen. Tim thought he could hear a snigger or two, but the smell of fresh ink was over powering. Tim gingerly made his way to his chair and fired up his computer.
"Thought Rob Roy McGregor, you were not going to mention us?" Tony shouted from his part of the Shire.
"I didn't really," came, the reply, Tim not looking in the direction of the voice.
"Oh yeah, and what about, Captain Fibbs, and Glen Shira, and Ab-die?" Tony questioned.
"Not to mention the Antonine Wall," Ziva now added smiling.
"But the Antonine Wall does border Fife sorry Fib, along the banks of the Firth on the Edinburgh side," Tim added in his defence.
"And this Wall it keeps out the Plebs?" Ziva replied.
"Yes… you realise that the Plebs were an order lower than the Patricians in Roman times, but the word generally became to mean anyone of lower rank or class or society, so needed kept out."
"So Timitus, was Captain Fibbs, a Pleb or a Patrician?" Tony now enquired standing and walking to Tim.
"I would say he was probably more a bandit from the Hillfoots, and that would definitely NOT make him a Pleb," Ziva answered.
"Ya think Ziva, yes I come from a long line of horse traders, and yes a few got hung, but grab your gear dead Petty Officer, Rock Creek Park, and Tim you said you would not use any of our names," Gibbs shouted at McGee, but with a sly smile on his face.
"Sorry Boss, but och it were only a wee fib," he smiled at the team in a very bad Scots twang, who just shook their heads, as they ran to the elevator.
The End
PS, bad Fib joke, "How does a Fife cow get a vacation? It has a wee calf." Boom, boom.
Ok, all Fifers, I apologise if I have embroidered and mixed ages and generations of fact, but it is fiction, and for outsiders, the Kingdom does exist, and if time and people would like I could always embroider more. The Land of Fib had a colourful history.